ok well, let me just spill it right here, my BF got out of rehab today

[KurtNYC]

I drive 4 hours to pick him up and I am late because traffic is heavy. We are supposed to have a meeting with his therapist before the discharge because I have no idea how to avoid derail his recovery AND I have had no treatment at all for the absolute hell he put me through for the last 2 years -- physical, verbal abuse, all kinds of trauma and crap. I am really conflicted because this has been years coming and he finally got help. I have lingering fear, anger, etc that is unresolved.

Then there is no meeting, nothing. Nobody tells me how I can help him or myself and Security wants us off the premises ASAP. So I drive him home, 4 hours, I do all the driving bc he has no license. By the time we get home what I am hearing from him is that he is a stronger person, he has heard sob stories for the last 21 days, doesn't want to hear anything from me, wants to be alone and 'thanks for the ride'. So he is now like this heartless sober bully (after $24,000 worth of therapy).

This is not at all what I expected or had in mind. I have not been allowed to see or call him for 21 days. I have been supportive in every way I could be of this move -- house sitting dog sitting, messages, cleaning, driving bill paying etc. But tonight he is alone getting high on weed and tells me to take my loneliness and crying to Al Anon.

And I would But I can't get through to Al Anon at 11:30pm on a Friday because apparently I am supposed to have a crisis 9 to 5 Monday through Friday.

[Shell Beau]

1. I am sorry. I really don't know what to say.

:hug:

[KurtNYC]

3. thanks - I just have to let go of some of this

I can't discuss this with my family bc I don't want them to think less of him. I have become somewhat socially isolated during the last 2 years. Went to 2 Al Anon meetings and heard stuff much worse than what I have gone through and that helped a little. But tonight I just feel like I am on my own. He gets $24K worth of therapy and I get an answering machine.

[madeline_con]

15. I don't understand your use of BF best friend, boyfriend?

It makes a difference in my first post to you. The comment about social isolation reminds me of my 2nd husband. I couldn't have any friends or family around. It was years before I read his profile under the entry for sociopath in a Psych text.

[flvegan]

2. A bully drunk and a bully sober...

I really don't know what to tell you. I do wish you the best, though. Take care of yourself.

[KurtNYC]

4. That says something to me.

Really, I didn't think of that earlier but the bully part is not alcohol related.

Thanks I needed some perspective

[flvegan]

14. Good. I'm glad I could deliver that gently.

Not something I'm particularly well known for.

[KurtNYC]

23. I think you got it in a nutshell

and sometimes the truth is the truth, gentle or not.

[noamnety]

5. I'm sorry.

There's probably not much I can say that you don't already know ... if he's getting high and being abusive on his first day back, I think fears that things are unresolved are probably valid.

:hug:

[KurtNYC]

8. the smoking weed part is just weird

since he is going to transitional living next Monday.

And I have forgiven him consistently, partly because I don't want to hang on to a lot of anger, but I can't forget. Forgiving is the easy part. Forgetting and expecting (therefor enabling) better behavior has turned out to be the hard part for me.

[SeattleGirl]

11. Forgetting is not a part of forgiving.

And expecting better behavior? It's just fine to have expectations of being treated well, but you might want to give some thought as to whether your BF can or would ever meet those expectations.

Just don't forget that you're important, too.

That's one of the things I experienced, and I've seen many other people experience: that if someone is mean to you, somehow you must deserve it. Unless you are a bully too, you don't. You deserve better treatment.

[Haole Girl]

6. Before I sign off, I just want to let you know...

you are not alone. Many people, myself included, have been abused by addicts. It's difficult to realize HE - and HE alone - can decide to change for the better. No amount of money, rehab, and certainly not another individual can make him change.

This little tidbit I've learned throughout my wicked life probably will not make you feel better... but I wanted to let you know anyway.

Hope things turn around soon. :hug:

[KurtNYC]

13. thanks for sharing

He is working on himself. I think I have to look at myself and ask some tough questions about why I have gone down this road. I thought sobering up would change things but what it seems like so far is, as was said above, I now have a sober bully. So why did I let myself be bullied ? Part of that answer is that I just refused to see it that way but with alcohol out of the equation it is hard to avoid that question.

[Left Is Write]

7. I don't have any answers for you...

but I can give you this. :hug:

[KurtNYC]

24. that helps, Thanks

[SeattleGirl]

9. What kind of rehab place was he in?

I worked for several rehab places, and we always had family days on the weekend, complete with lectures and presentations just for them, so they could understand 1) the alcoholism/addiction that had a hold on their loved one, and more importantly 2) what they could do to heal from the effects their loved one's addiction had on them, how not to sabotage recovery, how to enhance their own recovery, resources, books, etc.

I'm very surprised that this place did not have that.

Can you look online for a local AlAnon meeting? Perhaps you can find one that way. I just tried a Google search typing in "AlAnon meetings in Seattle" and found a number of links to meeting times and places. That might help you find one without having to wait until someone is there to answer the phone.

And BTW, if he's getting high, he's not clean and sober.

Do what you can to handle your feelings. Get to a meeting. Hook up with friends. Read a book on recovery for yourself (not his recovery, yours).

I know it's rough, and challenging, and sometimes just stab-you-in-your-heart painful. But you can still get help for yourself, regardless of what he does.

You have my good thoughts as you deal with this. :hug:

[Shell Beau]

18. I agree. He shouldn't be smoking pot if he is clean and sober.

[KurtNYC]

20. thanks - this was an in-patient detox and rehab facility near Philadelphia

I went to Al Anon about 6 weeks into our relationship. It was helpful to me but I did kind of get the vibe from others that I should just leave this guy.

The facilty had a family education program and I went through it. Setting boundaries was good, understanding addiction was easy but there wasn't much on how to let go of lingering anger over things that have happened. And even if we break up I do want to let go of the anger.

[SeattleGirl]

22. Letting go of the anger may take awhile. I know it did for me.

First, I dealt with my anger at my dad, who was the alcoholic.

Then, I pretty much let go of that, and what do you know? I found I had some anger at my mom too. But I dealt with that too.

As I said, it takes awhile, and the time it takes differs with each person. And you may take 3 steps forward, and one step back. Recovery and letting go is not a straight line; it's more like a mountain road where sometimes you go down, then you go up.

Just start, though, and don't push yourself to let go of anger in X amount of time.

I wish you the best.

[KurtNYC]

26. thanks

I'm fairly good at letting go of anger. Tonight I just am a whole messed up ball of confusion, disappointment, jealousy (that he can afford and get professional treatment and I can't), loneliness and exhaustion.

[madeline_con]

10. Let me get this straight...

he was a substance and friend abusing asshole, and now he's just an asshole. He obviously has issues. I'd think he'd want to be with you and talk, not tell you to fuck off and find a meeting!

Consider the idea he might just be a hateful loser, count your losses, and get out while you're still physically o.k. and young enough to take care of yourself. Look at it this way. The 21 days you spent alone was the rehab that helped you kick him.

spell edit

[KurtNYC]

21. our dog died of cancer and he went on an extended major league binge

I broke up with him. 2 days later he called the rehab facility at 5am (drunk of course) and they talked him into plunking down $24K and checking in ASAP. I didn't want to stuff defeat into the jaws of victory -- in other words at that point I felt like I have to help him so I have been very supportive during the rehab.

Self preservation kicked in when he pushed me on the stairs in the subway. I didn't fall but could have and really had had enough.

He is very charming with other people and with me when he wants to be but when we're alone....

[madeline_con]

25. I don't think you've forgiven, nor will you do it anytime soon.

This is a heartwrenching thing you're going through. Beleive me, I know.

Just like the other post said, I want to tell you no one can change him but him, however well intentioned and loving you are.

If he really wants to be with you, he will get sober for real. You deserve real love and should be with someone you can trust. You should never have to worry if you're going to get hit or pushed down the stairs. I wish I could help you more, but all I can say is what I went through. I know what it's like. It's the most difficult thing to walk away, but you have to decide whether you want more of the same or something better for yourself. I'm sorry. :cry: :hug:

[KurtNYC]

28. thanks - part of the crisis tonight is that he left rehab to come home for

just 3 days then he is going to transitional living for 90 days. So I feel like I have to decide right now if we are breaking up for good and I go on with my life (and I would feel guilty about abandoning him in the middle of this process), or, if I hang in and basically house sit and live celibate and somewhat alone for another 90 days and then see how things are between us.

I have always wanted to believe that he is a good person with a bad disease but I may have just been too stubborn or romantic to see that he might be the flame to my moth.

Back at ya :hug:

[madeline_con]

29. Listen to your heart, it won't steer you in the wrong direction.

Best of luck.

[ThomCat]

12. Kurt, I am so sorry.

:hug:

You are such a good person. I am so sorry you have been going through this and I didn't know. I would have liked to have been there for you. :(

PM to follow. :hug:

[KurtNYC]

31. Hi Thom

I made too many compromises in the last 18 months and letting myself get isolated was one of them. I'm sorry and I look forward to you PM.

:hug:

[EFerrari]

16. If he came home from rehab, lit up and was mean to you

it didn't work. No one in real rehab would do that.

I'm sorry, Kurt. :(

[KurtNYC]

30. well he was kind of cold, like tough love then after he had me leave

he smoked and called me on the phone. The rehab was for alcohol only.

[EFerrari]

34. People in rehab for alcohol don't smoke pot. Edit:

That is, people who are newly sober don't do pot because it lowers your awareness. At 21 days, that's barely sober at all.

[Drunken Irishman]

17. Is it worth it?

The guy sounds kinda like a dick and the only difference between a dry drunk and a drunk is that they can walk and talk better.

Don't get hurt. I don't know what to say other than that.

[Lex]

19. Kurt. Take care of yourself.

Do whatever it takes to take care of yourself.

[Barack_America]

27. My advice (that I am not qualified to give)...don't take his actions too personally.

With the level of anxiety you are probably both experiencing tonight, the possibility of slipping into bad behaviors to "cope" is high.

Take a deep breath, give each other some space, think about the codependent mantra (accepting what you can and cannot control, etc.), think about what you want and need from this relationship, etc, but leave the heavy conversations until later.

This too shall pass. You're going to be okay.

:hug:

Here's the song I'm listening to right now. Not sure if it's your thing, but it's great to dance around to. I love it, and on the off chance it could cheer you up a bit...(just don't analyze the words, okay)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhPh6ou8Kbk&feature=PlayList&p=D2E79E1CD7B62C10&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=7


ETA: I just read some of your additional threads about the abuse. That clearly is unacceptable. I don't know what to say other than that I'm sorry. I hope that you can get that counseling set up soon. :(

[KurtNYC]

33. thanks for your level headed response

all the driving didn't help my mindset at all today. Will have to get to sleep soon.

:hug:

[Richardo]

32. Kurt, Google Alanon in your area and there's usually a list of meetings and schedules

And even here in deepest Houston there's a weekly GLBT meeting.

Best of luck, pal. :hug:

[KurtNYC]

35. Thanks to all for listening - I'm going to call it a night but will read any other

responses in the AM.

Thanks, truly, for your thoughtful and perspective-that-I-didn't-have-right-now responses.

:hug:

[mockmonkey]

36. Maybe

Breaking up with him might wake him up to what his actions have cost him and maybe that will enable him to move forward in a positive way in his next relationship. I'm not for staying in an abusive situation like a dutiful hausfrau. A new beginning for you and for him and it's up to both of you to make your own lives work.

It sounds like he is angry at you. You can't fix you and him. So work on fixing you by getting away from him.

I'm sure he has wonderful qualities but if the negative outweighs the positive it's time to move on.

I hope you can find some peace in whatever you decide.