Let's talk campaign strategery with Newsman Matt Drudge

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

Attention Liberals:

I'd like to pull back the curtain a little bit today, and talk about what Unkie Dick and Big Cousin Karl have in store for the next 8 months, as our Glorious leader, the Majestic Man of the People George W. Bush takes on Taxachussets Liberal John-Michael Dukakis-Kerry. It's going to be fun, and we have some super good ideas in store for assuring that the election is the formality we all expect, eliminating the need for a violent blood bath.

With that, I'd like to open the floor for any of you liberals that may have questions about what's in store between now and November.

Best Warm Wishes,
Matt

[TheMightyFavog]

1. Are the Republicans

Planning a big song-and-dance number for the Convenetion choreographed by the governor of Texas?

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

3. Republicans neither sing nor dance

It's not manly enough. The plan right now, is to swill piss warm beer that will be sitting in the bed of Genuine Texas Cowboy George W. Bush's Ram Hemi Pickup™. We'll be wearing dark jeans, denim shirts and cowboy hats, we will be talking about sports (NASCAR in particular), and doing none of your sissy liberal activities like reasoning out problems, or trying to make the world a better place, or sipping Starbucks.

Afterward, we will all retire to a Gentleman's club, whereby we will hoot and holler and think that the ladies all love us. We'll get home late, not tell our wives where we were, get up with massive hangovers, but still go to church the next morning and feel like we are good people, but more importantly, big manly men.

Cheers to you and yours,
Matt

[RobertSeattle]

2. Does Rove Call you on the phone, email you, or fax you?

(When he needs you to shovel some dirt)

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

5. He puts up a spotlight over DC

shaped like my Very Important Newsman Hat™ and I know that the time is nigh to make up a story which implicates a prominent Democrat into some scandal which never happened. I'll retract the story a few days later, but people are stupid and hopefully won't bother reading about that on either my site or page F68 of your local paper.

Best,
Matt

[XNASA]

4. Tell us about the October Surprise, Matt.....

What's gonna happen?

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

7. Well, I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise

Let's just say it involves a prominent Democrat, a tube of tootpaste, a grouper filet, Nitro West Virginia, hookers and a vat of industrial waste.

It's going to take me a while to make a story...err, I mean to report the facts on this!

Warm Regards,
Matt

[gulfcoastliberal]

6. Where's the Sex?

Dear Matt,

Your first attempt for a juicy SEX SCANDAL this election year fizzled out like a wet firecracker. I know your penchant for pushing sex is great, so I'm wondering when we can expect the next 20-point font and flashing siren indicating to the world something to do with democrats and sexxx will appear on your website?

Sincerely,

Waiting with Bated Breath for Sex Scandal

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

9. Dear WWBBSS,

There will most certainly be a Newsman Matt Drudge World Exclusive Sex Scandal™ coming up again this year. I'm unable to go more than a few weeks without talking about others sex lives. That's why I need to post lots of Newsman Matt Drudge World Exclusive Sex Scandals™. I love talking about sex and about the penis. I can't get enough of it. It's just a fun word, penis. Penis. So when I write something it will most certainly involve a penis. Probably a really interesting penis. Mmmmm. Yes, it will most definitely involve a penis.

I'm not gay.

Best Wishes,
Matt

[myrna minx]

8. When will bu$h trot out Osama bin Laden?

Also, are you invited to the RNC convention or are you assigned to the "Newsman Matt Drudge's World Headquarters" desk located in your basement? If you are invited, will you mom let you go?

[theorist]

11. I don't think he likes to talk about his mom/dad. n/t

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

13. He'll use a "selling point" like Martha

As soon as his percent of likely voters dips to 39%, we'll pull that trigger. I mean, it won't be too hard, since Osama bin Laden doesn't actually exist anyway, and even if he did, it's not like one man was in charge of all terrorist activities. I mean it would be pretty ridiculous to assume that be eliminating this one person that suddenly birds would start chirping in the green trees and children could sing in the streets. It's one guy. Sure he might have put some money into terrorism, or even had the idea for it, but one guy didn't do everything or even near everything, but isn't it more important to figure out why people hate us, and see how to fix that than assuming that there's some bogeyman out there? Life really isn't a Bond movie. But I digress. You'll hear about that soon!

I will be covering the convention from Newsman Matt Drudge's World Headquarters™, since we can be completely obvious that we're all in bed together. There has to be at least an appearance that they aren't the ones paying my checks!

Happiness and Regards,
Matt

[theorist]

10. Is the presence of curse words on Kerry's site the best you could do?

C'mon, it's just after the primaries (unofficially). You'll have to do better than that. Wouldn't this backfire by making Kerry look like a regular guy? A couple more questions:

1) Why are you here?
2) In light of the fact that your hat makes you look like a total dweeb, are you bald?
3) Is the Democratic VP going to be have to be hot in the sack?

-theorist

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

15. Curse words are the greatest threat facing our country

That and the gays. If we could have a country without cursing and gays, it would be like utopia. And by utopia, I mean a non-commiecrat utopia. The cursing and the gays cause evil. So we have to be afraid ALL THE TIME. BE AFRAID ALL THE TIME. Luckily Genuine Real Man in a Genuine Real Cowboy Hat and Dungarees George W. Bush™, will smite the gays and eliminate the cursing and thus, fear.

Now to your other queries:
1) I'm here because I'm hoping that one of you liberals will slips up and give me a new Newsman Matt Drudge World Exclusive Sex Scandal™ to report.
2) I wish I were bald! But sadly, I wear the hat because I have thin skull. It's on accounta my brain being so small, that my head collapses into the void that exists where my brain should be. The hat keeps everything in place.
3) Penis.

Warm Wishes,
Matt

[underpants]

12. Why aren't you mentioned in this Time article?

Are you covert? The secret weapon?

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=104&topic_id=1206972#1207392

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

16. I am the secret weapon

See, this is all part of the plan. Since I'm a Genuine Muckraker™, they keep me below the mainstream radar, until one of my fabrications gains traction. Then they can pick it up, report and when it's found to be complete bunk, they just blame me and no harm done. Since my readers will come to my site anyway despite the fact that I constantly lie, it shields your so called "mainstream press" from having to hold themselves accountable for my lies.

Best Wishes,
Matt

[bushisanidiot]

14. Who Will Write The 9/11 Broadway Musical for the GOP?

and what will be the stage production's official name?

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

18. There will be no musical

again, we Real Men Conservatives™, aren't sissies like you liberals, with all your singing and dancing and high fallutin' "artistic integrity". It will be an invective filled movie, staring Bruce Willis, the Governator, James Woods, Stallone, and directed by me. Rest assured there will be much violence, lots of stereotypes, hate spewing forth from all the characters, but no gays and no cursing.

Regards,
Matt

[bushisanidiot]

23. But Will You Have Time to Film it and get it into theaters by 9/11

so the GOP can CAPITALIZE on it?



“You know, I was campaigning in Chicago and somebody asked me, is there ever any time where the budget might have to go into deficit? I said only if we were at war or had a national emergency or were in recession. (Laughter.) Little did I realize we'd get the trifecta. (Laughter.)” — White House press release dated February 27, 2002

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

25. Oh, it's been in production for some time

We will do everything we can to make sure we scare people into voting for the Glorious George W. Bush. After all, if they ain't scared, why in the hell would they even consider voting for him?

Best,
Matt

[Richardo]

17. Newsman Matt Drudge: In your opening statement, you refer to Kerry as....

..."Taxachussets Liberal John-Michael Dukakis-Kerry". Beltway scuttlebutt has it that the campaign will refer to him simply as "Jean-Michel" to enhance the perception of "Frenchiness" among their base of morans.

Care to comment?

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

19. Well, we group tested that

and found that most people that would be swayed by doing that, didn't know that Jean-Michel was a French sounding name. So we're going to stick with John-Michael Dukakis-Kerry, and make sure that when we use photos of him in our Glorious Campaign ads, he's wearing a beret, red and white striped shirt, has a pencil thin mustache, and is standing in front of the Eiffel Tower sipping on an espresso and smoking a thin cigarette.

Best Wishes for Happiness, Wealth, and Love,
Matt

[Richardo]

20. I have a follow up?

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

21. No. No you don't.

[Richardo]

22. Yes I do. You ignored the gratuitous use of the word "scuttlebutt"...

...in my original post. Why is that?

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

24. Because the word "butt" is offensive to me

As you know, I don't like cursing. Please refrain from that sort of thing with me. I let it go, because normally you don't offend my sensibilities, Richardo, but as you are pressing the issue, I must let you know how that evil word frightens me.

Best Regards,
Matt

[theorist]

26. Don't you mean "b**t"? n/t

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

27. f*****g s**t, yes I g*****n did mean to f*****g write it like that

f*****g ch***t, I can't g*****n believe I f****d that s**t up.

F**K

Warm F*****g Wishes,
Matt

[theorist]

28. LIBERAL SEXXXX!!!!!

Did that get your attention? I just have a quick question about what's in store: Are there any new buzzwords a la Newt Gingrich that we should look out for? "Terrorist sympathizers", "French", etc.?

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

29. Sex??????

That was a real let down, I was expecting this to be something else. That said, here are some terms we're kicking around:

Security Gap Democrats
Pro-recession Tax Mongers
Anti-Defense Terrorist Enabling Liberal Peace Mongers
ANTI north AMERICAN freetradeagreement DEMOCRATS


That's some for now anyway. We'll focus group these.

Regards,
Matt

[suegeo]

30. Physical intimidation of the opposition: any new ideas?

Does Karl Rove have any innovative ideas for physically intimidating the opposition democrats/communists this season?

Or is he sticking with his tried and true methods of anthrax and rubber bullets?

[populistmom]

31. Any inpending scandals or juicy tidbits regarding...

potential running mates? Inquiring minds want to know.
We missed you, Matt. :)

[terrya]

32. Newsman Matt, is Jeb Bush going to help his broither "win" Florida....

As he did in 2000?

Terry