Things I would do if I were a Bond Villain...

[MrScorpio]

- Instead of white Persian cat, I'd own two secret agent eating Rottweilers.

- If I capture him and lock him up, I'll just shoot fifty bullets in James Bond's ass instead of coming up with an elaborate secret agent killing device.

- Never ever send a hot woman to kill James Bond. He'll just end up screwing her before killing or turning her, and that, my friends, is a poor waste of fine ass.

- When designing my massive hideout, remember not to store petrochemicals side-by-side with high explosives.

- No Nehru jackets... Hugo Boss suits all the way.

- Train my henchmen to shoot straight with automatic weapons, especially when they're on skis.

- Instead of having James Bond take all of my money at the Baccarat table, I'd just go casual and hit the slots when I'm at the casino.

- If a smarmy, white guy with a British accent that I've never seen before shows up at my place of evil business and starts asking all kinds of probing questions, chances are he's James Bond and in that case I'd shoot fifty bullets in his ass, right then and there.

- Rigorous training for my henchmen in tried and true secret agent killing tactics. It'll save me the time and money of killing them for failing. Good henchmen don't grow on trees.

- How about this: Sharks with freaking lasers on their heads!


How about you?

[TreasonousBastard]

1. I would have it in my contract that I don't die so I can...

be in the next Bond flick-- and bigger and badder.

(And I'd have another clause in the contract saying I get the girl first and Bond gets sloppy seconds.)

[SeattleGirl]

2. Never saw myself as a Bond villan, but I'll give you extra points for

the Hugo Boss! :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

[Lucian]

3. How about ill-tempered sea bass with lasers on their freaking heads?

[MrScorpio]

4. Is that that hard to get freaking sharks, with freaking lasers on their freaking heads?

Am I asking for too much?

[Lucian]

5. It's easier to get a giant "laser" on the moon.

[kentauros]

6. So you can spell out "Cha"

on the facing surface of the Moon :P

[RoyGBiv]

7. Rules for Being an Evil Overlord

Many of these would apply:

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

142 more rules ... http://quoll.uwaterloo.ca/mine/overlord.html

[Deja Q]

8. LOL - great post!

:rofl:

Very true though; but many Bond villains would pin it on the henchmen... or the consumers. :D

[DarkTirade]

9. My hideout's air ducts would be too small to crawl through.

[MrScorpio]

10. Some more

- When running James Bond off the road, leave the expensive sedans at home. Use a couple of Mack trucks instead,

- Anything on him can be a hidden gadget that he can use to escape. Strip his ass naked, then shoot fifty bullets in his ass.

- If I hear a twangy guitar solo off in the distance, chances are that James Bond is close by.

- If I'm already bloody rich enough to build a massive inner sanctum and hire hundreds of henchmen to staff it, there's no reason to hold the world hostage for even more money. All that will do is draw James Bond's attention... I don't need the added trouble.

- With enough cash I can get enough of my own MPs elected to Parliament, change the Government and keep MI-6 out of my evil business.

[miss_american_pie]

11. I'd be a Bond girl, not a villain

So, hmm, that requires being painted gold? Wearing small bathing suits? Seducing old men?

I think I've got that covered.

:hi:

[seemunkee]

12. This post is worthless without pictures

Had to be said