Okay, you wicked, judgemental people, tell me not to write him and refrain

[crim son]

from reminding me how he sucks. You are a last resort, knowing as I do your weariness with the subject. He sent me a note last night; it wasn't kind but I've obsessed over it all day. Why write if he doesn't still care? Well, DUH. My dear DU Loungers know why I should not date a repuke who, desite his extreme cuteness, wit and unbearably delightful qualities, still likes to toss me around and basically hates me when he's not loving me.

Please? Last resource.
No wonder it bores the hell out of you. I just wish I felt the same way.

[GOPisEvil]

1. Why spend time with someone who causes you pain?

From what you describe, his bad far outweighs his good.

[crim son]

2. Because without him there is no good at all.

I'm old and experienced and know good and bad. To me he's good; to him I'm bad. I'm just about willing to lie down and let the train roll over me, if you know what I mean.

I don't think there is anybody like him, for better or worse. That's why.

[GOPisEvil]

4. Well, I'm not in your shoes, so I can't really know.

But for me, that kind of good isn't really good. It's a false good that brings only pain in the end.

[crim son]

6. Unless you accept the exchange.

I want to accept the exchange. God knows I'm not happy without him.

[GOPisEvil]

9. That's the thing about happiness.

It's different for us all and no one else can define it for you. If you're willing to accept it, I wish you good luck in it all.

[crim son]

11. I love him. I have a thousand reasons.

If only it were up to me. Thanks for your comments, GOOPisEvil. :loveya:

[GOPisEvil]

12. All I wish for my friends is that they be happy.

And thus, this is my wish for you. :hug:

[PassingFair]

35. Are you Rhianna?

Hasn't this guy been physically ABUSIVE to
you?

Why would you let him ANYWHERE NEAR you
or your CHILDREN?

If you are a glutton for punishment, at
least think of the effect it will have on
your children in the long run.

Do you want to put THEM in the position
of having to RESCUE YOU?

[bluesbassman]

3. He'll never change on his own, and YOU can't change him.

He's probably missing you, sure, but only for selfish reasons.

[crim son]

5. Yabbut, why can't I change him? I know why:

because I refuse to compromise. Now, that can be wonderful or that can be the worst possible failure. I'm old and have been described as a "ballbuster" and "manipulative' too many times! Maybe I'm both and need to settle down a bit. I do know that if I did that, he would have fewer objections. And before anybody freaks out, maybe I AM a wicked bitch who wants to control everything. Shouldn't I try to fix that?

[bluesbassman]

7. Sure, but do it for yourself, not for him.

You'll both end up resenting the results.

[crim son]

8. He wouldn't notice.

I guess that's sort of the crux.

[bluesbassman]

13. So there you have it. If that fact doesn't speak to you,

then you're only going to compromise yourself.

You're an attractive, caring and intelligent woman. Why waste your time with a man who by you own admission would not notice a major change in you?

edit for spellcheck. bbm

[crim son]

16. Not wishing to be either self-deprecatory or ridiculous,

but if I were in high demand, I'd have noticed by now. I think maybe my standards are too high.

[crim son]

10. Maybe I'm wrong.

I would do it for me, because to make him happy is to make me happy.

Shoot me now! Laughing.

[bluesbassman]

14. See, you're operating under a false assumption.

You would not make him "happy", you would just make him satisfied that he had "won". How long before he craves a new battle?

[crim son]

15. I can't help but think I've taken that into consideration.

I am the very best battle-prize he will ever win. That isn't the issue, though, and perhaps that's your point.

[miss_american_pie]

17. Hey sweetie

You have kids and they are learning how women deserve to be treated from you.

:hug:

[Deja Q]

18. Excellent point.

:thumbsup:

[redqueen]

20. +1

[PeaceNikki]

27. Words of wisdom.

A voice of reason.

:thumbsup:

And the OP implying that people who tell her what she should (but doesn't want to) hear are "wicked" or "judgmental" is so far off base that it's, quite frankly, sad to watch.

He "hates her when he's not loving her", sent her an unkind note, referenced in this thread that he's gotten physical in the past... these are all things that have NOTHING to do with his political affiliation. He's bad news.

[Whoa_Nelly]

45. Actually, the inference to the implication of"wicked" or " judgmental" is

an indicator of codependency.

crim son! You are casting asparagus on Loungies! :eyes:

Kidding aside, if you want things to be different, no amount of posting support and advice for you here is going to alter your need to fall for his bullshit.
It's up to you to want and make things to be different in your life or stay the same.
We can't fix it.

:loveya: crimmie. :hug:

PS Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He has it.

[RetroLounge]

47. ...

:hug:

RL

[Ptah]

19. What does that mean? "still likes to toss me around"

What does that mean? "still likes to toss me around"


What does that mean? "still likes to toss me around"

[Midlodemocrat]

33. Exactly what you think it means. He hits her.

[Ptah]

37. I was trying to get her to form that thought.

[Midlodemocrat]

38. Oh, sorry.

[Ptah]

50. Maybe we can make a long sub-thread that will catch her eye.

Get her to answer what she means when she says, "still likes to toss me around."

or not

[graywarrior]

21. Is your real name Lisa?

[Chemical Bill]

22. I spent lots of money...

learning to love myself enough to not confuse addiction with desire. I suggest you invest in yourself.

Bill

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

23. It will not get better.

He's jerking your chain because he knows he can, and he won't stop. He's a user. He will not change. You need to respect yourself, recognize that you can do better, and walk away from this turd.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

24. He sucks. Write him anyway.

There are reasons.

[Inchworm]

25. Acoustic Hendrix?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCQBbgb_Lvo

and a hug.

:hug:

:hi:

[bicentennial_baby]

26. If I remember correctly, he hit you in the past

There's your answer. That type of behavior is not likely to change.

Is that the example you want to set for your daughter? Really?

:hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

28. crim son, don't write him.

I repeat: do not write back. Just don't.

[DS1]

29. have some goddamn self respect

narwhals wouldn't put up with that shit

FUCKING NARWHALS!

[Aristus]

30. Please, for once, listen to me, crim son. You don't need an SO to have validation as a person.

You are a wonderful, vibrant, charming, appealing, lovely, sexy and funny woman. You don't need a man in your life to make those things true. Especially not a man of such dubious merit. Don't settle! You deserve better! Much, MUCH better! Ditch him! Once and for all!

I want you to be happy, my darling crimmy; it doesn't sound like he makes you happy. The man who makes you truly happy is worth waiting for. I know the waiting may be awful and depressing. But when you find him (and you WILL), it will be worth it.

There, that's all the wicked and judgemental I can do for one day... B-) :hug::loveya:

[JNelson6563]

31. Trust me on this

In time all the "good" of your relationship will be gone and then it will totally suck and you will be desperate for a way out.

After a 24 year relationship that was much like you have described in the beginning, I could practically write a book on this will go for you if you stay in.

Julie--one who knows this play and will never take a role in it again

[Midlodemocrat]

32. The biggest reason you shouldn't have anything to do with him

is that he hits you. And you don't want to tell your boys that it is acceptable to hit a woman and you don't want your daughter to think it is acceptable to BE hit.

Don't give him the fucking time of day, crimmy. He's a POS and deep down, you know that.

[begin_within]

34. Love yourself more than that.

You're doing this to yourself. You deserve much better. Love yourself and say goodbye to him in your heart, for real, and mean it, no matter how painful it might be to let him go. Letting go of someone is painful, but it's pain with a purpose. Hanging on to someone who doesn't love you is endless pain that goes on as long as you hang on, and serves no purpose. Love yourself by getting out of that now.

[SPKrazy]

36. because you are so much more than someone who mistreats you

and I know this and you know this

and as Miss American Pie said

your kids are learning how to treat a woman from this...

So I am glad you didn't write him.

I know you hurt.

:hug: :hug:

:loveya:

[AlCzervik]

39. If one of your daughters was dating a guy like this what advice would you give her?

[I Have A Dream]

41. That is exactly what I thought. nt

[SammyWinstonJack]

52. BINGO!

:thumbsup:

[SarahB]

61. Our choices and behaviors ARE our advice to our daughters.

I dearly like Crimson, but she needs to seriously think about this.

[TZ]

40. Someone who hits you doesn't care about you.

Let the jerk go. Please.

[Whoa_Nelly]

42. He's into Power Over Control

Get mad about allowing yourself being manipulated!
Get angry about his tactics because now you recognize them.
Get on with being happy with yourself from the moments that actually are healthy and joyful.
You can't control or change him. That is impossible.
You can make choices about yourself, and for the sake of your kids.
You know the truth and the red flags. And, by this knowledge, you can become better equipped to recognize the start of healthy relationship someday when it does come your way.
You have so many positive changes happening in your life right now. Take advantage of this to heal and grow.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

He is trying to control you by drawing you back with his narcissistic bullshit notes, email or other contact.
Your choice--You can feed his need to control and manipulate, or you can ignore him and not allow this kind of bullshit in your life ever again.

You know :loveya:, crim. I am a friend reaching out to you to give you strength you can claim as your own over time. :hug:

PS
Am not being judgmental of you, dear one. As happens with many, you need the support of those who love you.
However, I am bringing down the judgemental hammer on him. He is a sick puppy who enjoys ensnaring and targeting vulnerable people. It makes him feel powerful. Those who seek the power to control are those who are most out of control. Truer words never said. :hug:

Controlling People: Controllers use verbal abuse to subtly undermine their victim's perceptions, to manipulate them into doing what they want, to foster dependency, to isolate them from truth, from outside contact and even from their own children. They may withhold information while lying to their victim.. Controllers create confusion, emotional pain and mental anguish, while periodically "rescuing" their victim by seeming to offer the balm of love that alleviates the victim's pain drawing the victim ever closer. Controllers gain and maintain power over people while often presenting a perfect persona to the world.

http://www.verbalabuse.com/indexmain.shtml

[Deep13]

43. "...still likes to toss me around and basically hates me..."

If he is abusing you physically, then he has no respect for you as a person. Get away from him before he kills you.

[I Have A Dream]

44. crim son, he's so close to "breaking" you.

That's the decision that you're making right now.

I'm not judging you; my heart hurts for you. :hug:

Your situation really reminds me of the Rolling Stones' song "Under My Thumb". Here are the link to the song and the lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DI6WA-2CgyE

UNDER MY THUMB
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around

It's down to me
The difference in the clothes she wears
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb

Ain't it the truth babe?

Under my thumb
The squirmin' dog who's just had her day
Under my thumb
A girl who has just changed her ways

It's down to me, yes it is
The way she does just what she's told
Down to me, the change has come
She's under my thumb
Ah, ah, say it's alright

Under my thumb
A siamese cat of a girl
Under my thumb
She's the sweetest, hmmm, pet in the world

It's down to me
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb
Ah, take it easy babe
Yeah

It's down to me, oh yeah
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb
Yeah, it feels alright

Under my thumb
Her eyes are just kept to herself
Under my thumb, well I
I can still look at someone else

It's down to me, oh that's what I said
The way she talks when she's spoken to
Down to me, the change has come,
She's under my thumb
Say, it's alright.

Say it's all...
Say it's all...

Take it easy babe
Take it easy babe
Feels alright
Take it, take it easy babe.

[leftofthedial]

46. Man, this clown must be hung like a mule.

[Midlodemocrat]

48. Dude. Not funny. Seriously.

[leftofthedial]

49. You're not kidding. No wonder my stand-up career is in ruins.

I even gross myself out.

But I'm not entirely sure I deserve a "seriously."

I'm sorry.

:spank: :thumbsdown: :blush: :spank: :spank: :spank:

[SammyWinstonJack]

51. .

:yoiks:

[Arugula Latte]

53. You are better than he treats you.

You deserve better.
Your kids deserve better.

Get him out of your life.
He's not wonderful; he's a mean asshole who hurts you.

Cut off contact.

[RiffRandell]

54. You're pathetic and lame.

If I battled with these issues, I would be way too embarrassed to post them on the internets.

[SammyWinstonJack]

55. !

:evilgrin:

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

56. And you're mean.

You should be ashamed to reveal your meanness on the internets.

[Rhythm]

58. Riff, I'm really hoping you simply forgot your 'sarcasm' tag there...

Else you really may be what i think you are right now.
:eyes:

[BarenakedLady]

57. Sweetie

:hug:

When I have my new house, I'm going to drag you here to get away from there for awhile. You deserve more than that. But 1000 people can tell you that, and you won't believe it unless it comes from inside of you.

:hug:

[BikeWriter]

59. Texas WhoopAss. It sounds as if the bastid needs a big can of it...

...opened up and poured all over him.

[Zavulon]

60. So he hits you, treats you like shit and you can't be happy without him.

All I can advise, other than agreeing with people who tell you to let him go and forget about him, is to read this thread from start to finish and try pretending that your posts belong to someone else. Then think of what you'd tell this person.

With any luck, it'd be "please seek help, you honestly need it very, very much." Get help before this guy kills you - whether emotionally or physically, either is a distinct possibility.

[Wapsie B]

62. Just put him in a room with a few of us.

We can straighten things out. Just say'n............

[raccoon]

63. Two suggestions.

1- Go to Al Anon.

2- Read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH by Robin Norwood.


As some others have said, by your choices and behaviors, you are teaching your daughters how women deserve to be treated.

[TK421]

64. Dump him...seriously, just dump his ass

this has been bothering you for how long now? You know you deserve better treatment than that. I thought you said this guy hit you before...if so, it should have ended right then and there. Plus, I wouldn't want that around my kids. I'm sure there is someone out there who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated, it's just not this guy. :hug: