So there's this man I like at work ...

[Lauren2882]

I posted this on another thread as a response, and then thought "What the hell?" ... I'll jump on the bandwagon and start yet another DU post about romantic troubles. But seriosly, I'm curious as to what you guys think. Lot of smart people here. (I just hope no one can figure out who I am!)

I'm an early-20s female, and I've been attracted to an older (30s) male at my office for a long time. There's also been what I guess you could call "subtle flirting" but there was more of it earlier than there is now. I feel like I can't really do anything because it would be inappropriate, and I've kinda come to terms that nothing will happen and it's just a crush. Although every now and then I do wonder...

[rucky]

1. The wondering will be the best part of the relationship

don't shit where you eat.

[Lauren2882]

2. Or "don't fish off the company pier?" :) n/t

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. Why would it be inappropriate?

is he your boss?

Speaking as a gentleman in his late 30s, if I had some early 20s woman I was attracted to, I would be VERY hesitant to initiate anything for fear of appearing to be a lech or a cradlerobber or something. I think my thoughts are fairly typical (not absolute, just typical) of late 30s guys attracted to early 20s women.

If it actually wouldn't be inappropriate to explore a relationship, your only real chance is to take initiative and ask him out. you really have to let him know you are interested and not just playing or "accidentally" flirting (which he may also think, and please don't condemn him if he is thinking that way).

[Lauren2882]

6. Well I've assumed for a while that he knew ...

I've assumed for a while that he knew I was interested. I feel like the way I am around him makes it pretty obvious. But who knows, maybe men are even more dense than I ever could have guessed?

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. Partly it could be denseness

But mostly it's because of the age difference - he's likely assuming you're just playing him or doing it accidentally/innocently and don't mean anything. Women do do that, you know, sometimes, unawares. And the age difference adds a tremendously different dynamic.

[Philosophy]

15. That's a good point

I think it's just understood (perhaps unfortunately) that a younger female flirting with an older male coworker with some level of authority over them is doing it mostly as a way to advance their career within the company. I think that's not an issue in my case because the girl I am flirting with is pretty much at the same level as I am, so neither of us have anything professionally to gain by this.

[Lauren2882]

17. That's not really what I was getting at...

... that does happen a lot, but in my case he doesn't really have any authority over me, but it's more that it's a small office and I would worry about bringing romance into the office, and more what other people would think.

[LastKnight]

18. forget what others think.

do whats right for you, but dont jepordize your job, if you do end up in a relationship set borders... like things stop when your on the clock, or... something... i donno.

-LK

[kevinam]

4. Don't butter your bread, where you make it.

Just my suggestion. Although if it is like a different department or something it may not matter that much. Think if you two are together for a while, and then it doesn't work out. That would not be a fun situation...Kevin.

[absyntheNsugar]

5. Being a man in my dirty thirties

Most men at this age don't take women in their early 20's flirting with them seriously. If you want to get his attention, go beyond the flirt, and let him know you're serious.

[Lauren2882]

8. Why don't you take it seriously?

Just curious... Do you assume that they wouldn't actually want to date an older man?

[absyntheNsugar]

9. Well a few reasons

We do assume that women in their 20's are more interested in 20-something men. We also know that there is a cultural divide between us. And (please don't take offense), we remember when we were in our 20's that a lot of women played games at that age. Granted, I'm not saying ALL women, but there were a much higher number that did. I notice that most women in their 30's have stopped playing games and are serious about what they want in a lover.

[rucky]

10. What do you think all those unavailable women were doing

when you were in your twenties?

[absyntheNsugar]

11. I'm not sure I follow you...

I was just saying that it is the consensus of many of my friends who are my age that when we were in our 20's, you never were sure whether a woman was really interested in you or if she was playing games - and agaain it was never really clear what she wanted.

Guys were this way too - in our twenties we played games (classic one is the 3-day-rule for callbacks). Now 30-somethings aren't perfect, but most of us have refined what we want and expect those who we date to be the same way.

Point: if you want to attract a 30-something be clear about what you want, and be to the point. We respect that.

[Lauren2882]

12. hmmm

Well I think more 20s men play games than 20s women, but I could be biased (as I don't date women). But I really don't have a clue how 30s men think at all, so this is enlightening...

[I AM SPARTACUS]

21. all this "you have to tell him" is a bit of an overstatement...

...just casually bump it to the next level - maybe lunch during the workday? maybe a drink/coffee after work? if that goes well enough, maybe you won't have to follow-up with the next casual bump...

[LastKnight]

13. YOU! i know who you are!

wait... no, i dont...

anyway... id say no harm in letting him know your serious, its easier for us guys when women just tell us what they want instead of playing all those games.

-LK

[Lauren2882]

14. Yeah, but it's easier for US ...

... when men *know* what we want without us having to risk making idiots of ourselves by telling them1

[LastKnight]

16. well, if you want him to exactly what you want...

only way is to tell him... id like to think im a smart person, except when it comes to other people, especially women... its almost impossible for me to figure out what one wants if im not comfortable with blatantly asking. and id also like to think im a pretty normal guy and my opnion is the norm out there, for most guys, but it may not be, who knows.

-LK

[WiltedFlowerChild]

19. Go for it

OK, I'm 50. When I was 20 I has a short-lived, totally inappropriate, intense affair with a 35 year old man. We had very little in common beyond a physical attraction. We had great fun for a couple of months. A few years later, I found my real mate. My marriage is 27 years old, my kids are amazing and I still have that nice little memory tucked away. I take it out and look at it once in awhile.

[Lauren2882]

20. That's such a nice story :) n/t