"no matter the question jesus is the answer"

[Ava]

that's what a sign said today when i was returning home after lunch with a friend. i told my friend "did you know that 2+2=jesus?" to which they laughed for about five minutes. apparently i'm hilarious when being sarcastic as hell :P


seriously though, it was an absurd sign. i'm a christian, but church signs like that make me cringe.

[ghostsofgiants]

1. It takes Jesus licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

[Ava]

2. apparently

:rofl:

[ghostsofgiants]

8. Jesus let the dogs out?

Jesus put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong?

[Ava]

12. Whooooo are you? Who Who? Who Who?

:rofl:

[ghostsofgiants]

16. I am Jesus? Jesus Jesus? Jesus Jesus?

[DarkTirade]

3. ... me I'd go the potty humor route.

How do I get those unsightly stains out of my underwear?
Jesus.

What's the best way to get that cute girl to have sex with me?
Jesus.

What's the best lube to use while trying anal sex for the first time?
Jesus.


... I know, I'm a bad person. :P

[RevolutionaryActs]

5. You're going to hell on the bullet train.

But that's ok, because I'm driving.

:rofl:

[DarkTirade]

6. Woohoo, crank up the speed!

I wanna get there so I can hang out with all the cool people down there.

... except Hitler. He may be in hell, but he doesn't get to hang out with the cool people down there.

[RevolutionaryActs]

9. I was *this* close

to saying Jesus was driving, but I thought would be wrong. :rofl:

[PaddyBlueEyes]

10. Are you saying that Jesus aint your copilot?

:rofl:

[RevolutionaryActs]

13. *snort*

:rofl:

[EastTennesseeDem]

4. No wonder I didn't get into MIT

All my test and homework questions were far from correct.

Damn. I want a do-over.

[PaddyBlueEyes]

7. Why didnt Kurt Warner win the Super Bowl??

Does that mean Jesus hates his favorite fundie QB?

[Ava]

11. "Does that mean Jesus hates his favorite fundie QB?"

Jesus

[Frank Cannon]

26. Troy Polamalu's known to be a devout Christian, as well

Jesus obviously likes Polamalu's team better.

[flvegan]

14. Guess that answers the "Who was the second JFK shooter?" question then.

Yep, to Hell I'm going.

[Ava]

15. you already were anyways

you liberal vegan you!

[flvegan]

17. Originally, Satan wouldn't take me.

Food in Hell isn't vegan, and getting a new chef wasn't in his budget.

[PaddyBlueEyes]

19. I though he didnt want you

because you would take over.

[flvegan]

20. That's the real reason.

He makes shit up to hide his cowardice. Besides, Satan being overthrown by a vegan? Come on, that's just bad press. And a vegan running Hell just isn't going to pack a punch in Catholic churches anymore.

[Danger Mouse]

18. Nice post Alistair Crowley.

:eyes:

[Jamastiene]

21. Who cut the cheese?

Jesus

:rofl:

Oh, this could go on all night.

[nomorenomore08]

22. Well, I can tell you that no less an authority than Wesley Willis agrees with that sign:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbBYr6aVO6o

:P

[Robeson]

23. E=MC2 Jesus. Who'd of thunk?...

...:shrug:

[XemaSab]

24. I found a mixed animal in the woods. What could it possiblty be?

:shrug:

[rcrush]

25. I believe this man disagrees with you.

[MajorChode]

27. Apparently Jesus hates gay marriage

The worst thing about some Christers is not that they think Jesus is the answer to all their questions, it's what they THINK Jesus had to say about their questions when in reality they are getting their answers from Pat Robertson (who claims to have a no-shit direct hotline to Jesus).

Why so many self-professed Christers continue to vote for the pro-war party that takes from the poor and gives to the rich is beyond my understanding.

[Bertha Venation]

28. omg, some "christians. . ."

:eyes:

[LynzM]

29. LOL

Nicely done!!

There's one I drive by routinely that says "If you died today, where would you spend eternity?" (or something similar). I want to get some spray paint and climb up there and write "Dead." :rofl:

[MissMillie]

30. I thought the answer was 42.

:shrug:

[Iggo]

57. Yes, but 42 = Jesus.

[Deep13]

31. Q: What's the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

A: Jesus.

[guitar man]

39. African or European?

:D

[Deep13]

40. Jesus. nt

[meegbear]

32. Welll that certainly puts a damper on watching Jeopardy!

[BurtWorm]

53. 'The categories are Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus and Jesus'

'I'll take Jesus for $200, Alex.'

'Jesus.'

*crickets*

bzz bzz

'No one? Oh, I'm sorry. We were looking for "Who are Tiny Tim and Miss Vicky." All even at $0 apiece, next answer please.'

'Why bother, Alex? We all know it's Jesus.'

[raccoon]

33. "no matter the question Clinton Tyree/Rhett Butler/ Mr. Darcy is the answer"

one might as well say. :shrug:

[MissHoneychurch]

34. The answer is 42

Who are those people that they don't know that :rofl:

[Strong Atheist]

35. "no matter the question jesus is the answer"

:eyes:

"signs like that make me cringe" - agreed.

[SOteric]

36. Who's Madonna dating these days? Jesus!

http://entertainment.oneindia.in/music/international/2009/madonna-dating-jesus-030209.html

[TZ]

37. So Jesus wanted me to be a heathen Jew?

Since I was born and raised that way? Who knew?
:rofl:

[Sebastian Doyle]

62. So was He

Well, He was born and raised a Jew anyway. Probably not the heathen part.

[Richardo]

38. That *is* hilarious

You and my niece would get along famously. She also has a highly-developed sense of sarcasm. :thumbsup:

[guitar man]

41. hehe

What should the spark plug gap be set to for my 1965 chevy truck with a 283 cid V8?

:evilgrin:

[LeftinOH]

42. When will I receive my tax refund check?

[SoxFan]

43. Who should be the Red Sox starting catcher?

[Upton]

45. Varitek

[Upton]

44. Science before superstition

[MountainLaurel]

46. So Jesus had my car keys this morning?

Jerk.

[montanto]

47. I wondered who broke into my car!

[montanto]

48. I wondered who let their dog shit in my yard without cleaning it up.

[montanto]

49. you know what? this really solves a lot of

problems for me in my life. Jesus really is the answer!
I HAVE FOUND JESUS ON DU!@!!!one1!!!

[old mark]

50. If I had known that back in the '60's, I would have passed all my exams and

graduated from college.

mark

[La Lioness Priyanka]

51. why are you such an asshole? jesus. why are you such a bigot? jesus.

sometimes jesus does NOT want to be the answet

[Arger68]

52. Who is the anti-christ??? n/t

[lightningandsnow]

54. Maybe you can help me with my homework then!

How did feminism develop in Europe from the 17th century to the present day? :P

[NuttyFluffers]

55. what syrup do you want on your pancakes?

Jesus.

[SacredCow]

56. You're laughing, but it isn't far from the truth in their world...

I attended a fundamentalist private school for 6th, 7th, and 8th grade (:scared:). Over time, I figured out that you could work Jesus into the answers for test questions and often get full or at least partial credit. Over my 7th grade year, I theorized and tested just how ridiculous I could go with my answers, and it turned out that there was almost no ceiling. By the time I was in 8th grade, I had it down to a science. Minimal work and studying, I played their game and pretended to be all excited by Jesus, and I was on the Honor Roll and in National Honor Soceity. Scary stuff.

I left the school after 8th grade to attend a public Magnet and performing arts high school, and my 2+ years of not having to study came back to SERIOUSLY bite me in my proverbial ass!!!!

On edit: Talk about an efficient way to make a kid cynical and anti-religion!

[Initech]

58. What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Jesus.

[FloridaJudy]

59. Poor Jesus.

Christians are always asking if I've found Him. You know what, people? I have a feeling He wants to stay lost. I mean if you had to hang around for all eternity with some of these folks who claim to have a hot-line to Him, wouldn't you run away from home too?

Personally, I think He's hanging out in Key West, sunning on the beach and splitting the occasional pitcher of beer with Buddha. They're both avoiding Mohamed, who has a problem with that beer thing, being in AA and all. Moses drops by every now and then bringing a little nosh.

But I'm not going looking. It's time to give the Dude a little peace for a change.

And I'm definitely going to hell, having just insulted four major religions including my own.

[DarkTirade]

70. Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw a while back...

Jesus, save me from your followers. :P

[Hell Hath No Fury]

60. So Jesus is responsible for my feminine itch?

Bastard. :D

[edbermac]

61. To quote a Frank Zappa song: Jesus Thinks You're A Jerk.

There's an ugly little weasel 'bout three-foot nine
Face puffed up from cryin' 'n lyin'
'Cause her sweet little hubby's
Suckin' prong part time
(In the name of The Lord)

Get a clue, little shrew
Oh yeah, oh yeah
Jesus thinks you're a jerk

Did he really choose Tammy to do His Work?
Robertson says that he's The One
Oh sure he is,
if Armageddon
Is your idea of family fun,
An' he's got some planned for you!
(Now, tell me that ain't true)

Now, what if Jimbo's slightly gay,
Will Pat let Jimbo get away?
Everything we've heard him say
Indicated that Jim must pay,
(And it just might hurt a bit)
But keep that money rollin' in,
'Cause Pat and naughty Jimbo
Can't get enough of it

Perhaps it's their idea
Of an Affirmative Action Plan
To give White Trash a 'special break';
Well, they took those Jeezo-bucks and ran
To the bank! To the bank! To the bank! To the bank!
And every night we can hear them thank
Their Buddy, up above
For sending down his love
(While you all smell the glove)

Jim and Pat should take a pole
(Right up each saintly glory-hole),
With tar and feathers too --
Just like they'd love to do to you

('Cause they think you are bad --
And they are very mad)

'Cause some folks don't want prayer in school!

(We'd need an ark to survive the drool
Of Micro-publicans, raised on hate,
And 'Jimbo-Jimbo' when they graduate)

Conviced they are 'The Chosen Ones' --
And all their parents carry guns,
And hold them cards in the N.R.A.
(With their fingers on the triggers
When they kneel and pray)

With a Ku-Klux muu-muu
In the back of the truck,
If you ain't Born Again,
They wanna mess you up, screamin':
"No abortion, no-siree!"
"Life's too precious, can't you see!"
(What's that hangin' from the neighbor's tree?
Why, it looks like 'colored folks' to me --
Would THEY do THAT...seriously?)

[bif]

63. Who is Matty and Philipe Alou's brother?

[Manifestor_of_Light]

82. And if Boog Powell married Moises Alou.....

He'd be Boog Alou.


:rofl:


Bad baseball jokes here...... And I'm not even a baseball fan.

[Lex]

64. "Who loves the gayz?" Jesus.

Just trying it out.

[catzies]

65. What's for dinner?

Jesus?

He's "The Other White Meat®?"

Somehow I don't think they thought this all the way through.

[Initech]

66. Is Jesus the "Leader" from "The Simpsons" by any chance?

"And who invented Morse Code?"
"OH! OH! The Leader?"
"Very good Bart!"

[Left Is Write]

68. I don't know, but Jesus made Steve Guttenberg a star.

[Initech]

75. Save me Jeebus!!!!

[Left Is Write]

67. I can think of a good many questions that some people would NOT want answered with "Jesus."

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

69. Who was the most influential fictional person ever? -nt

[no name no slogan]

71. Jesus is like the Christian version of Chuck Norris

Except Chuck Norris never would've been crucified. He would've beaten the crap out of the Romans with the cross.

[Nevernose]

83. Chuck Norris...

...would have nailed HIMSELF to the cross.

[FloridaJudy]

72. To quote one of my favorite bumperstickers

"Jesus loves you -
the rest of us think you're an asshole".

[deucemagnet]

73. But sometimes you don't wan't the answer to be "Jesus".

Does this look infected? Jesus!
So, how does my stock portfolio look? Jesus!
Is it going to snow tomorrow? Jesus!

etc. :P

[Cabcere]

74. Heh, my friends and I used to laugh about that when we were kids

My parents had a Statler Brothers gospel album, and one of the songs was "Jesus Is The Answer Every Time." At about the age of ten or so, we started brainstorming on how to use that to our advantage in school...never really came up with a good plan, though. :hi:

[crimsonblue]

76. Bob Kelso sure is going to be pissed

Jesus stole his "who has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap" line.

[woo me with science]

77. That would make for a mighty boring game show channel. nt

[GreenPartyVoter]

78. Makes me cringe too. And Jesus isn't always the answer. Sometimes

"42" is. :P

[CreekDog]

79. well, if you aren't paying attention in Sunday School and get called on...

that advice might come in handy. :think:

[SPKrazy]

80. what should i wear tomorrow?

Jesus!

[PaddyBlueEyes]

81. that might be uncomfotable

dude..