A very old joke about going to school...got any jokes?

[Stuart G]

JOKE IS CALLED..Wake Up, Son!

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the
PRINCIPAL!"

[blondeatlast]

1. How does an elephant hide in a cherry tree?

Gotta go, so the answer is...

Wait for it...

Here it comes...

S/he paints their toenails red!

Ba-da-bump!

(Lame but it always seems to get a laugh out of people who've never heard it--adults included)

[HopeHoops]

2. The Three Irish Brothers

(NOTE: This isn't intended to offend anyone Irish, it just works best with Guinness and he has to be an immigrant from SOMEwhere).

A man comes into a neighborhood bar one Friday evening and orders three pints of Guinness. The bartender gives him a weird look, but sets him up anyway. The man sat and alternated sips from the three glasses until they were empty and then left.

He does this every Friday. The bartender can't contain his curiosity, so one day he just flat out asks, "Why do you always order three beers? Wouldn't they be better served one after the other?"

"No, you see," he replies, "me brothers and me, we left Ireland together, but we had to split up to different cities here. Back home we always shared a pint on Friday night. Since I can't be with me brothers, I have one for each of them along with mine. It makes me feel like we be together."

All of the regulars at the bar heard his story and were deeply moved. He continued this tradition for years, every Friday night, three pints. The bartenders all knew to have them ready at 5:00, and the regulars would break in the new bartenders out of respect for the Irishman.

One day, the man arrived a few minutes early. The bartender had already drawn two pints and was starting to pull the third when the man shouted "WAIT! Just two today." The entire bar fell into silence. The bartender brought the pints over and set them in front of the man and turned around. All of the other regulars were motioning him to ask - why just two? The man sat quietly and alternated sips from the glasses, just as always.

The bartender turned back to the man and put his hands on the bar. "I'm sorry. I noticed you only ordered two pints today. Which of your brothers died?"

"Oh, they're both fine," he replied. "I just quit drinking."

[blondeatlast]

3. I know a racier version of much the same joke.

Man walks into a bar, sits, and orders two beers.

Man proceeds to pour one through his hand, then drinks the other. Bartender cleans up the resulting mess.

Man orders two more beers. Bartender fumes a little, provides.

Man proceeds to pour one through his hand, drinks the other.

Bartender is visibly angry as he wipes up yeat another mess.
Man proceeds to order--Bartender says "No way am I gonna waste a perfectly good beer on my counter which I thenm have to clean up. why do you keep ordering two beers, then pouring one through your hand--and forcing me to clean up?"

Man says, "I'm sorry, barkeep, I was just trying to get my date drunk."

Hilarity ensues.

[HopeHoops]

4. Was her name "Rosie" by any chance?

[blondeatlast]

10. Miss Rosie Palms, to be exact. Amazing coincidence! nt

[trof]

9. 7 year old comes home from school.

"Mom! We learned how to make babies today!"
Mom, very reluctantly: "Um...how, Jimmy?"
"You just change the 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
barumph bump
;-)

[hippywife]

5. My other half got this one emailed to him

from a friend yesterday and just had to share it with me. :eyes:

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.

He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms
folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just
sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old
biker,

'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the
young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny
new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and
starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a dead mouse
in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the
chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

[Amelie]

6. Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

It's rated "ARRRRRRRRGH!"

[Stuart G]

7. Another old joke

An elderly woman had just
returned to her home from an
evening of church services
when she was startled by an
intruder. She caught the man
in the act of robbing her home
of its valuables and yelled,
"Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and
be baptized, in the name of
Jesus Christ so that your sins
may be forgiven.)


The burglar stopped in his
tracks. The woman calmly
called the police and
explained what she had done.


As the officer cuffed the man
to take him in, he asked the
burglar, "Why did you just
stand there? All the old lady
did was yell a scripture to you."


"Scripture?" replied the
bewildered burglar, "She said
she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

[Stuart G]

8. About married life..and knowing your wife..

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Asia a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

.... Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."

[DarkTirade]

11. A priest, a rabbi and a beluga whale walk into a bar.

The whale turns to the priest and says, "Brrrraaaaaaaaaggggggg"