Holiday card addressee etiquette question.

[Witchy_Dem]

Got a holiday card today from hubby's aunt and uncle. They sent the card to us addressed as "The Joe Smiths".

WTF is that all about? Do I not exist that I become my husband's property or chattel? Is this correct envelope addressing etiquette and am I overblowing a minor thing? If so, why does it bug me so much? Would this bug you?

[MineralMan]

1. I wouldn't sweat it...

At least they sent a card.

My wife uses her maiden name. I can't tell you how many times I get mail with my first name and her last name. We just ignore all of it...it doesn't matter.

My mother, who is 84, addresses mail to us in the old-fashioned way:

Mr. and Mrs. MyFirstname MyLastname

She knows that my wife uses her maiden name, but that's what she was taught to do. She's a lovely woman and my wife loves her, so we just ignore all that and get on with loving and being loved.

[Witchy_Dem]

2. At least your mom is acknowledging your wife's presence.

I get what you're saying. In the 12 years we've been married they've never acknowleged me. I guess this year it just got to me.

I get the impression had I kept my maiden name it would never have mattered in the least.

Sigh.

Thanks for responding.

[MineralMan]

3. Sorry. That sucks.

I've never quite understood the in-law problems people have. By that I mean I don't understand a family not accepting a member's spouse. Very odd, it seems to me.

I guess I'm really lucky that way.

[SocratesInSpirit]

4. Speaking as someone who writes correspondence for a living

(mainly thank you notes to donors for their gifts), I have to say I'd probably be fired if I ever did anything so strange. If one was going for formality, the appropriate thing to do would have been to address the card to "Joe Smith and Family" or "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith." Since it's family, I would have addressed the card to "Joe and Jane Smith." You gotta wonder what runs through peoples' heads sometimes... "The Joe Smiths" - sounds like a band.

As a pretty staunch feminist, I never liked the whole "Mr. and Mrs. Man's Name" thing (but I did take my husband's beautiful last name, because I liked it a lot better than my ugly maiden name). My reaction to such a card would depend on my relationship with the senders. Unless I knew them to be malicious or thoughtless people, I'd probably just show their card to my husband and we'd have a good laugh over it.

I can understand your being miffed, though - my first name is Sarah, and people leave the "h" off it all the time. Strangers or acquaintances I can understand, but it's annoying when family does it (they should know better!). One year, I arrived to a step aunt's house for Thanksgiving (and I had known her for about 7 years, so she definitely knew my name) to find the placard "Sara" on the table. My first act was to find a sharpie and correct the misspelling. Her reaction was to laugh and say she "knew I'd do that." Not surprisingly, this thoughtful person is no longer my step aunt - they are now divorced. I admit my action wasn't the most gracious at the time, but I was a teenager. However, if something like that happened nowadays I would still correct my placard - but much more discreetly. :)

edit: grammar, tsk!

[Witchy_Dem]

6. Thank you!

I feel validated. Hahahaha. Thanks!

I have never met them. I know they know my name since I have signed many a holiday card to them in return. Dh's family is a strange lot so I have written it off in the past but you'd think after being married so long my name might slip in there somewhere.

I told dh that if his family is writing to him specifically it's going to be up to him to respond.

I would love a witty comeback. Happy Holiday from The Joe Smiths...?

[SocratesInSpirit]

10. They do sound a bit odd...

Personally, I'd find it tempting to say "Happy Holidays from The Joe Smiths," but you'd probably just be saddled with the title for the rest of your life. Could make for a sly, tongue-and-cheek joke, though.

I'd probably send them a hand-written card with a gracious little "wishing you health and happiness/here's what's going on with us" message of some sort (writing nice letters to donors I have met at events and don't particularly like has given me good practice). I'd sign the card with my and my husband's name (in that order). Perhaps next time they write you, they'll remember your lovely card and address you both (the old killing them with kindness routine). Or perhaps they'll just keep on being obtuse, but at least you would have tried. :)

[Witchy_Dem]

13. I like the idea of putting my name first. I have years to figure this out at this rate.

To add to this, dh's paternal grandparents (aunty's parents) never acknowleged his mom, if that's any indication that change may not be imminent.

[Phentex]

5. Sometimes I don't know what to put...

I like to put "The Smith Family" but what to do when there are two names? The Smith and Turner Family? Joe Smith, Susie Turner and Family? Joe Smith, Susie Turner, Terry Smith and Bobby Smith?

Which is least offensive?

[Witchy_Dem]

7. I have addressed many an envelope that way and even signed our names as such...

I'm not going for offensive and the more thought I put into this the more humor I want to put into the response. :o)

[SocratesInSpirit]

8. There really is a fine line...

since nothing is standardized. Generally, I'm of the school of "find out what someone wants to be called and honor their wishes," but if you don't know, there's a few things you can do. If it's family, I'd put "John and Jane Smith and Family" (family if they have kids at the same address) on the envelope. Then on the inside of the card, "Dear Uncle John, Aunt Jane, Joe and Judy," For more formal situations or people, I'd put "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" or "Mr. John Smith and Ms. Jane Jones" (for different last names).

Like so many things, it really depends on the person and situation. :)

[Witchy_Dem]

9. and since my name is NOT Joe, I'd like to not be referred as such. LOL

[SocratesInSpirit]

12. Sounds like they're doing their cards on autopilot...

"Okay, who's next?" "Our nephew." (hastily scrawls name) "Wait, doesn't he have a wife?" "Oh, yeah!" (adds "the" and "s" at the end of salutation) "There - that ought to do it!"

[Witchy_Dem]

14. Ding ding ding! ITA I get that this may be more of the reality of the situation.

Which also means they aren't being malicious. I'd rather think they weren't.

[Chan790]

11. I have an uncle who is a bit of a wiseass...

who sends mail to my mixed-name family addressed to "Hey Yous!". I'm guessing that's the most offensive.

I really shouldn't be surprised, he did wear all-white Pony sneakers with a tux to my mother's second wedding and wears Hawaiian-print shirts with suits and ties.

[Witchy_Dem]

15. Which I would *get* - noting his being off all the time.

Care to trade?

[FloridaJudy]

16. I just sent off a collection of gifts to my sister

Addressed to the A_____ family. Since it included kids and grandkids that don't all share the same last name (and one kid's last name has been changed so often I'm not sure what it is now), I guess that's lazy of me. But it sure beats having to write "Alice Smith, Adam Smith, Joy Smith, Joe Smith, Joyce Jones, Timmy Johnson, Nicky Johnson...etc).

But the "Joe Smiths"? That's just plain weird. If they can't remember your name, or whether or not you have kids, "The Smith Family" covers the lapse quite nicely.