Question about cemetery/headstone etiquette

[southerngirlwriter]

I like to take walks in cemeteries.

Yes, I'm morbid. So sue me.

This is a story about something I saw in a cemetery. I am aware that regional vocabular about such things differs. (Just like some of you drive on freeways and others of you drive on parkways, LOL).

For my purposes, cemetery = graveyard, the place where dead people are buried and gravestone = the marble at the head of a grave with the person's name and dates of birth and death. Some of you call that a "headstone," if my Yankee friends are reporting accurately. Just so there's no confusion.

Yesterday I was walking in the oldest cemetery in the state of Alabama. There are hundreds of Confederate soldiers buried there, and a number of 16th, 17th, and 18th century historical figures.

The cemetery is enormous -- there are more than 120K graves there and plenty of room left. Within the cemetery there are pockets -- I'm not sure what other word to use -- of people who died at similar times, especially children. In the northwest corner, for example, there's a section with about 20 graves of babies and children who died in the early 1970's.

Well, I went to stand for a moment at the grave of a friend of mine. She died in a car accident in 1995. She had just turned 18 -- she died on the way home from a post-graduation party. I don't visit her grave often, although I visit that cemetery several times a week when the weather is halfway decent.

In the section where her grave is, there are quite a number of children and teenagers buried. Most of them died in the early to mid 1990's.

One gravestone struck me as very, very odd. It was the grave of a boy who died at the age of 16. It said in large letters underneath his name and dates of birth and death:

CAR WRECK

Now, I have NEVER seen the cause of death on a gravestone before (the only exception is veterans who died in battle). This just blew me away.

I spent an hour trying to figure out why someone would put the cause of their son's death on his gravestone. I came up with only two possibilities:

1.) As some sort of warning? i.e, "drive carefully, car wrecks kill!"

2.) Because the parents were afraid that people would assume their son had committed suicide. I live in a medium-sized city (260K population). It's smaller than it seems, however, and news of suicides always go quickly through the town gossip mill. In that section, three teen suicide victims are buried. Perhaps they were afraid their son's grave would be "tainted."

I am curious if anyone has a better explanation. And is this something that happens in other parts of the country? I have not been in the North much, and never farther West than Utah, so I'm not familiar with death etiquette in other parts of the country.

Thanks to anyone who read this far.

[southerngirlwriter]

1. kick, dammit

:kick:

[yankeeinlouisiana]

2. No, you're not morbid...

or maybe with both are ;-) I, too, enjoy visiting cemetaries. Some can be very interesting. Actually, the graveyards in New Orleans are quite the tourist atraction. It's sort of odd walking amongst the crypts instead of people being burried underground.

It's always sad when you see gravestones of young people, no matter how long ago they died. The older the cemetary, the more interesting.

I really don't have an answer as to why they listed the cause of death, but your explaination seems the most logical. Remember, suicides were once burried outside of the cemetary.

[flamingyouth]

3. I love visiting cemeteries

And I usually visit at least one whenever I travel to a new (to me) city. I think my favorites are Forest Lawn/Glendale and Rosehill in Chicago. Lake View Cemetery in Seattle is quite nice as well.

Some of the older stones I've seen indicate a cause of death, but I think it's pretty rare. I've seen it mostly for young children, or sometimes young mothers (i.e. "Died in Childbirth"). I think I agree with your assessment in #2, frankly, but who knows what goes through people's minds when they lose a child so young and so tragically. You're probably right. :hi:

[rasputin1952]

4. I don't consider you morbid at all, I do the same thing...

wherever I go. It is a curiosity, cemeteries have great histories, and you can follow a lot about the ton/city your in by visiting cemeteries.

Here in NE, there are a lot of CW vets, mostly Federal. They came here after the CW to stake themselves some land and get on with life.

When I lived on Shelter Island, NY; there was a family cemetery that went back to the 1600's. It had head and foot stones and cut into the stones was a winged skull. Many of the graves were children, and a few listed 'consumption', (Tuberculosis today), as the cause of death. If you check back tot he time of the 'bout of death' where several, or many people, died at the same time, you will generally find that a flu or some other disease went through that section of town.

The grave of children and migrants are the most disturbing, IMHO. There was a grave marker made out of adobe brick in Kingman AZ that had etched into it, "unknown negro male, killed by train, 1941". I found that particularly sad because I had to wonder what became of any family he had. There was no one to pass on the information to, very sad.

There was also a 'slave graveyard' on Long Island NY. Each grave was marked by a white painted stone, no names, no words, no dates. I found that sad too. But at least someone put markers there.

on edit: one other thing I've taken up lately. I will occaisionally go to a cemetery and pick, at random, and untended grave, and place flowers on it. It just makes me feel better, just to show that someone cares.


O8)

[twistedliberal]

5. In Medora, ND,

there is a cemetery overlooking the town. One of the stones reads "The Man The Bank Fell On."

Like you, I also enjoy walking through cemeteries. I live next to one, and occasionally take a nightly stroll through it. At first it feels awkward, but I find it exhilirating in a way I can't explain. I think part of it is that I sometimes feel unfortunate in that I completely lack superstition and have no belief in any diety or an afterlife, and some part of me wants to believe. During my walks I try to purge my mind of all thoughts and be completely open to anything I might see or hear that might give me reason to believe that there is something greater.

Also, the feeling of peace in a cemetery can be very refreshing.

Anyway, back to your question, I have occasionally seen the cause of death on a grave marker--I've seen a couple that have simply said "cancer" or something similar, but it's not very common. To me, "car wreck" sounds rather blunt, like a warning.

Just a guess though... :shrug:

[GOPisEvil]

6. I think "CAR WRECK" is just the answer to a question.

People see a grave of a young person and wonder how a young life ended so early. This gives them the answer.

Maybe? :shrug:

[arwalden]

11. I Believe This Is The Correct And Most Logical Answer...

and perhaps to serve as 'warning' to other teens to let them know that they are not as invulnerable as they imagine themselves to be.

It reminds me of a friend of mine who INSISTED that his obituary mentioned specifically that he died of complications due to AIDS. He didn't want to couch it with vague reasons such as "renal failure" or "pneumonia" or "heart failure" (when you think about it... doesn't almost everyone die of "heart failure").

Anyway, I believe his reasons for wanting to state the EXACT cause of his death was to inform others that it's still happening and to warn folks that even with all the advances being made, young folks are not invulnerable.

-- Allen

[demsrule4life]

7. Southern girl

Where is this cemetery? There is an old cemetery near Elkmont. Several graves from the 1850-1860 time frame. There is one tombstone, I don't remember the name but lets say Joe Smith and his birth and death dates. On the tombstone next to Joe is one that says sister of Joe Smith. No dates or anything else written on it. Makes me wonder what her transgression was not to even have her name on it.

[rasputin1952]

8. They may have purchased that stone at the same time...

people often do this to save money, a discount, say. Then, as was the norm back then, she could have left the area and died somewhere else. I once saw a stone with the date of death in 1897, and except for the name and birthday of the wife, it was empty. I saw a group of people a few yds over, and asked them about this, as I was new to the area. One in the company was the cemetery keeper. He told me that after about a year, the woman remarried and went to California.

All kinds of things can happen in these situations. That's one of the reasons I find cemetery walks fascinating.

O8)

[southerngirlwriter]

10. this is Maple Hill Cemetery

in Huntsville.

[demsrule4life]

12. Thanks

I live near Ardmore, I will have to check it out.

[southerngirlwriter]

13. It is absolutely amazing.

I've been hanging out in it since I was 12 and haven't come close to exploring it all.

My favorite grave (of someone I didn't know personally, anyway) is of a lady named Molly Teals who ran a brothel here in Huntsville for years. When the gov't finally shut her down, she donated her extreme wealth to help found Huntsville Hospital.

Prostitution built the medical district!! And the medical district has a restaurant named after her, ha ha ha!

[rasputin1952]

14. Now I would have to say that is pretty cool...

A madame did what the gov't wouldn't!

O8)

[southerngirlwriter]

15. exactly!

People appreciate it, too. I found her grave for the first time when I was 12, and I have visited it at least monthly for the last almost-14 years, and NEVER ONCE has it been without a beautiful arrangement of flowers.

[Darth_Kitten]

9. This link may be interesting to you.....

www.findagrave.com

Cemeteries hold an odd fascination for people. I've been to a few, but I could never live right near one.