Gather Round The Campfire! It's Matcom's Joke O' The Weekend!

[matcom]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this... How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."
"Passssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great
sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's
about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightly and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up her nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down ..."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

[Thucydides]

1. Bwahahaha, that was a good one, so you like parrot jokes...

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying "I can see you and Jesus can see you". The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step and he hears it again "I can see you and Jesus can see you". This time he realizes the voice comes from above and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says "I can see you and Jesus can see you". The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer". The burglar laughs again and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing and says:
"I agree completely and Jesus is a pretty silly name for a rotweiler".

[underpants]

2. Jesus

WARNING what follows is a BAD Jesus joke probably the worst I shouldn't tell it but I am going to anyway and yes I have accepted Jesus as my savior and I am planning on washing my face in a Shoney's in Lynchburg later today which I think counts as a baptism....oh and I eat kosher hotdogs just to be on the safe side. Okay here goes, BTW the joke was funny I can't wait to tell it to me mother-in-law.
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Jesus walks into a motel lobby. He walks up to the front desk and lays down three nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"


Again I'm sorry.

[matcom]

3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i sense a 'theme' with you this weekend :D

[underpants]

4. NO that's it

I'm off the religion thing.

[matcom]

5. sure you are

until you glide through the sunlit gates that are the entrance to The Shoney's and bathe yourself in the soothing light that entices you twords the heavenly salad bar!

you shall be cleansed

[GOPisEvil]

6. LOL! An oldie but a goodie!

:thumbsup: