Jokes -warning - very pro female using male putdowns - but funny!

[papau]

I found these good for a smile or two, despite not being female!


Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Drum roll please......................

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

Another drum roll............

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

And yet another drum roll...............

Finally -Marriage (Part IV)

Man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,

"Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

sigh .....God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece (so says the wife!).

long drum roll, exit stage right ...................

:-)

:toast:

:-)

[brainshrub]

1. Will these jokes still be funny when gay marriage is legal in all states?

[Droopy]

2. Why wouldn't they be?

[brainshrub]

4. Well, if there were same-sex marriages

the stiff joke wouldn't be funny between lesbians.

I'm just trying to understand why there should be a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. Perhaps having to re-write the marriage-jokes would justify it? /sarcasm

[Droopy]

6. I'm sure we'll be able to think up plenty of jokes

for same sex marriages.

[Droopy]

3. I don't think there was anything offensive about those jokes

and I'm a guy.

[papau]

5. I agree - it made me smile!

:-)

[private_ryan]

7. nope, very funny

but here on DU many people are on the edge, afraid of the PC police. I don't blame her for the disclaimers.

[Fleshdancer]

8. HA!

"There will be sex here at seven o' clock whether you're here or not"...that's a good one. I'll have to use that someday.