I need a Lounge ruling on this.

[MilesColtrane]

I have received a wedding invitation from a couple who are really more acquaintances than friends.
The problem is that there is no way I can attend the ceremony and reception, and I think that they know this.

Is the invitation a heartfelt wish for my presence, or a heartfelt wish for my present?

The wedding is a "destination" wedding, over 1,000 miles away round trip. The invitation makes it clear that while hotel rooms have been reserved, everyone's on their own as far as paying for them, and for getting there.

I calculated the bare minimum cost of attending at over $450.

The fact that I am even questioning whether I should send them more than a card has a lot to do with the fact that I've bought wedding presents for many folks over the years (sometimes twice) and yet will probably never get married myself.

Maybe I'm just bitter and a cheap bastard, but I really don't feel like springing for a toaster for this one.

[taterguy]

1. Why give a wedding present if you can't pig out at the reception trough?

[MilesColtrane]

2. It does seem like a one way social transaction.

...which I would be down with if these people were good friends, but.....

[dawgmom]

3. This whole "destination wedding" thing

Ugh. Hate it, hate it, hate it. "Gee, we're getting married, and we barely know you, but we think you should plan your vacation around us, and shell out $450 while you're doing it."

I would send a card, and wish them the best. I feel no obligation to send someone a wedding gift, just because they sent me an invitation to the wedding. If I go to the wedding, that's different. I think guests should give a gift that at the very minimum covers the cost that the couple had to shell out for your meal.

[SacredCow]

4. I wouldn't feel too obligated to send more than a card for this....

If they were close, but you still didn't want to attend the wedding for whatever reason- Perhaps it would be proper to send a gift.

[DS1]

9. I work with a guy who had to cough up near 2Gs to get to India

and stay for the week.


I don't even know if I'd do that for my own brother ( at my current salary, of course )

[dawgmom]

19. Had a niece that got married in Cancun

Neither one of them had a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out of (a folksy expression my Mother uses), but they just had to have this wedding they couldn't afford in Cancun. AND they expected us all to come. I sent a nice gift, as she was my niece, but that was it. I'm not the beach resort vacation type -- bores me stiff to lie around in the sun, I don't gamble, and I'm past the age where getting plastered is entertainment. Now, if they had gotten married someplace interesting, like Paris, I might have gone, and tacked a vacation onto it. But Cancun? Yawn.

[kick-ass-bob]

14. I see it more as a

"want a chance to get away?" type of thing.

If I don't want to go, then screw it, don't go. If you'd like to get away and get some free food / booze(?) one night, go ahead.

Most times, I just wouldn't bother.

[Gormy Cuss]

5. You aren't obligated to send a gift.

Send a card with your regrets and well wishes for them. There's no rule that says you owe a gift just because you were invited to the wedding.

[mikita]

6. totally agree....

(especially in current economic times).

[Deep13]

7. If they are not actual friends, then just forget it.

Send your regrets sans toaster.

[jobycom]

8. It may be neither. It may be a polite attempt so that you don't feel excluded.

That's not to say they aren't sort of hoping for a gift--of course they are hoping for as many as they can get, and of course they figure that each invitation they sound out could bring back a gift. Heck, I do that with my kids' birthday parties.

But that doesn't mean they are just trying to get a gift. They may sincerely hope you can come. At the very least, they may be making a gesture of friendship. Not being invited to an event is a signal that you are outside of their circle, so being invited is a notice to you that they do include you in that circle, even if you can't make it.

Of course, you know them, and I don't, so you would be a better judge of their true intentions. Certainly they could just be fishing for gifts. Whether you send one or not should depend more on how you feel about them, not upon correctly interpreting their invitation protocol.

[ceile]

15. That was my first thought, too.

Generally for destination weddings you already know who is going to make it, but you invite others so that they don't feel left out.

[mainegreen]

16. Agreed. We invited people we knew couldn't make it to ours.

We knew they just couldn't come. But we wished they could, so we sent them an invite.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

10. regret city

so solly gi!
no boom boom

[Jamastiene]

11. Ah, hell, just thank them, send them a congrats card, and be on your way.

No big deal. See? That was easy. :)

[LeftyMom]

12. Just send them a card

If you wanted to get them a small token gift (a fairly nice bottle of wine or something) you could, but I wouldn't let the invitation make you feel obligated.

[Parche]

13. Get Them His And Hers Ped Eggs

:woohoo: :woohoo: :hi:

[Orsino]

17. Besides the wish for your presence or present...

...there is also the desire not to give offense. The likelihood of your feeling hurt at being left out may also have entered into the equation.

[Rosie1223]

18. Another vote for just sending a card

You can always take them out for lunch or something after the wedding.

[Arkansas Granny]

20. I think a card would be sufficient. Sometimes people send invitations out

thinking that other people will feel slighted if they don't receive one.

[bigwillq]

21. A card and a gift card

valued at no more than $40 or $50.

You should at least send a card as an acknowledgment since they did send you an invitation.

[machI]

25. RSVP that you can't make it and give them a gift card to Denny's for breakfast

If you can get one, send them a $5 gambling chip for some name casino like
<>

[harmonicon]

22. I wouldn't even bother with a card

If they're asking for you to RSVP, just say that you can't make it, but you wish them well - that's all you need to do.

If you're not going to the wedding, you don't have to get them a gift.

[alarimer]

23. Send them a nice card.

I don't think you are any obligation to go if you cannot afford it and under NO obligation to give any kind of present, whether or not they expect you to.

[Zavulon]

24. It sure sounds like trolling for presents to me.

I'm in your situation several times a year, and despite a long-term and basically live-in girlfriend to come home to, I'm not interested in being married and - bless her - neither is she. We get such invitations from both my "acquaintances" (as you said, not really friends) and hers, and neither of us ever spring for the present.

A wedding present is supposed to be a heartfelt gift, not an obligation. Decline the invite and send them nothing but your congratulations and best wishes.

[MilesColtrane]

26. Thanks for everybody's input.

I'll send them a note and rest easy now.