SCRUPLES! If you knew that a friend of yours was having an affair on his wife...

[Writer]

and you know your friend better than you know his wife, would you tell his wife that he's having an affair?

[taterguy]

1. She'll find out soon enough

[lost-in-nj]

2. I wish someone would have told me sooner

it sucks being the only one that doesn't know...

not to mention you feel like a fucking schmuck once you do find out.....

if you really know this friend

and you have PROOF

then yes tell her
she might not be happy with you at first but she will get over it

:hug:

lost

[lizziegrace]

25. Me too

I'd have kicked his ass to the curb a year earlier.

[FloridaJudy]

43. And I at least

Would have insisted on condoms!

Kind of a bummer when you find out your SO's been cheating by way of a phone call from your gynecologist telling you you need treatment.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

3. nope. not my business. if you do, you will end up losing your friend and his wife

as friends. just fyi.

[Sanity Claws]

4. No

I would talk to my friend and tell him that I'm not going to hide his affair. If his wife asks, I would tell the truth.
I would also urge him to end the affair or tell his wife. If he is unhappy in his marriage, he should try to work it out or else divorce.
Why I would not tell the wife: She may already know and does not want to be embarrassed by finding out that others also know. If she doesn't know, I don't think I would be able to offer the comfort or advice she would need.

[LeftyMom]

5. I sure wish somebody would have told me.

I'd say something. At the very least, she needs to know so she can protect her health.

[HEyHEY]

6. OOOO that's tough

I'd stay out of it.

[elshiva]

7. No, not if you want to stay his friend. Also, a question,

are you friends with the wife as well? I would try to encourage him to either tell her about it or stop having the affair.

[LaurenG]

8. No

It's going to hurt really badly when she finds out. :cry:

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. Not gonna hurt her as bad if you tell her compared to her finding out a year later

and that you (and maybe others) were in on the lie.

[LaurenG]

14. Well here's the thing

What if he decides to stop, would she be better off if he told her or if I did?

It happened to me, I would have been crushed if his friends had decided they should tell me. I'm OK with them for not telling.

[Rabrrrrrr]

16. What about potential for disease? Possible pregnancy and child?

Too much at stake.

Certainly, we are all different, but I think the majority of people would not react as you have.

If the friend decided to stop as soon as I told him/her that I was going to tell the spouse, then that's one thing - but there's still the issue of possible disease to worry about.

Sometimes we have to be the bearer of bad news to our friends, because it's actually the least bad thing to do.

[LaurenG]

22. Relationships are hard and when one partner strays there is a

problem that should be addressed in the relationship. Does the couple have an open relationship or is this strictly a monogamous relationship? Would I help or hurt more by inserting myself into their lives?

I may speak to the friend about the behavior and let him know this has the potential to become his worst nightmare and I may ask him to consider the harm he's perpetrating but I seriously doubt I'd tell his wife especially if he's the one I'm friends with.

Thankfully my friends either don't stray or if they do they do a good job of hiding it so I haven't had to consider this.

[Rabrrrrrr]

10. I think telling is the honorable thing to do.

Not that one needs to be a snitch, but better to hurt the spouse now than to risk the far greater hurt that would come later.

Also, by lying and not saying anything, one becomes complicit in the affair.

If the friend was dumbfuck enough to bring you into it, then he/she is dumbfuck enough to pay the piper tomorrow.

If it were my friend, I'd give him/her one day to tell the spouse, because in 24 hours, I'm telling.

[pitohui]

27. dear god, do you have any friends, do you even know what the word friend means

sometimes i read posts on DU that genuinely scare me

[moriah]

35. Actually I agree with the poster you responded to.

If a person told me this, I would tell them

"Look, you SHOULDN'T have told me, that puts me in a very bad position. Now that you have.... you need to tell your spouse. I'll give you a bit of time to tell them, but seriously... if you don't, I feel obligated to do so."

And I say this because I have been in that position, I'd known the girl since we were in high school.

She told her husband the next day.

And we're still friends.

[Rabrrrrrr]

36. I'm glad you chimed in! Now I know for sure that I'm right.

Thanks!

[lildreamer316]

44. Are you serious? He's exactly right.

A true friend encourages one to be a better person.

[pitohui]

68. snitches and rats are ugly things to be

as for me, if i thought a friend was a snitch and a rat, i would have no more to do with that person, life is too short

who knows when the friend will decide *i'm* doing something he doesn't like, that should be ratted out?

hell, who knows how much of this is in the rat's own imagination? amazing how many people are in the bedroom with writer's friend and KNOW for a fact that he doesn't use a rubber to protect against disease

[Rabrrrrrr]

75. Oh, man, I'm crying tears from laughing!

Thanks for making my day again, pitohui.

You are a gem of overblown hilarity.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Goddamn, what an insane definition of friendship you have.

[quakerboy]

50. I do

And part of why we are friends is that we keep each other right.

Sometimes I read posts on DU that scare me too. T'aint my friend right or wrong. When they are wrong, they are still my friend. And they are still wrong.

[woo me with science]

65. Wow. Just wow.

You are a piece of work, apparently.

[Midlodemocrat]

71. Coming from you, this is a hilariously funny post.

:rofl:

[Midlodemocrat]

70. That is the right answer. Tell the friend you are giving him

a set period of time to tell the spouse or you're telling.

I actually had to do that a few years back. It sucked, but my friend was being humiliated behind her back and that sucked worse.

[UTUSN]

11. I'd split from BOTH of them until the whole thing (marriage?) is over & settled!1

Numero Uno, who wants a lying, cheating, a-hole as a "friend"? And, yeah, I've heard "the other side," where the cheater's spouse is wicked, mentally impossible, whatever. The cheater needed to terminate his marriage, and THEN go on with the life.


Numero Two (tribute to Molly IVINS), NOT telling the cheated-on spouse means being COMPLICIT, being an ACCESSORY, or, to put it bluntly, being a virtual PIMP.



I've seen that situation, where the cheater brought the new honey and introduced her to the gang and expected all of us to accept her (and him) and go about our business with the two different relationships (him-honey, him-wife) being totally compartmentalized. I felt *I* was the dirty one. He started telling whoever would listen that he had had it with "a crazy woman" and had suffered enough with her and wasn't going to suffer anymore.

[RetroLounge]

12. MYOB

EOM

RL

[Inchworm]

13. Slap your friend with a glove

and say WTF.

Then hope for a while.

There are too many variables open for much more.

Maybe she knows and is getting a little side action herself. I myself would stay out of it and ask to be kept out of the loop.

:shrug:

[lost-in-nj]

15. Writer let me ask you a question

with all these nays in the thread


if you were the wife
would you want to know??

as simple as that

:hug:

the FIRST thing I did after confirmation was get an STD test...
because I knew HER reputation....

lost

[Mutley]

17. That's such a hard position to be in.

I know I'd tell her for sure if she was a close friend. If she was only someone I knew in passing, well, I'm not so sure. Maybe encourage your friend to tell her himself. I'd bet of all the ways she could find out about this, she'd most rather hear it from him.

[Inspired]

18. Don't tell his wife and put a hold on the friendshipl

[Whoa_Nelly]

19. Personally, were it my friend, would tell him

to tell his wife or you will.

That if he as any respect for her as a human being, she has the right to know, not only for her health, but because she deserves the respect and the right to make choices about something that completely impacts her life.

He got to choose to have an affair. She should have the prerogative to make a choice, too.

And, would tell my friend I've lost respect for him by lying to the one person he promised not to lie to; that says a lot about him and how he views respecting those close to him. And, that definitely would make me rethink remaining in close contact with him.

Sorry if it all sounds harsh, but have been so done for years with the drama and lying that can happen in relationships. Just don't have tolerance for any of that anymore.

Hope he comes clean with the wife on his own. It would be the right thing to do.

[last_texas_dem]

31. I agree with your post 100%.

[BlueJazz]

20. No..No..No...Nobody else's Business.

[BarenakedLady]

21. Not my business.

[johnnie]

23. They are big people

Stay out of it

[Lyric]

24. Yes, I would tell her--but anonymously.

I'd leave her a note or drop her an anonymous e-mail to give her a heads-up and recommend an STD test. Ordinarily, I mind my own beeswax--but there are too many life-ruining diseases for me to ignore it and let someone unknowingly be put at risk.

I suppose my POV is because I've lost friends to AIDS, but that is what I'd do. It would be easier for her to hear it from an anonymous stranger than to hear it from a "friend." She might even choose not to believe it, or to ignore it, but she will at least be informed so she can make her own choices, rather than being put at risk by someone else's irresponsible behavior.

[pitohui]

26. not if you care about the friend, if you hate and envy your friend have at it

as for me, i will leave it up to my friend to make important decisions about his marriage and what his wife needs to be told or not told

won't you feel a fool when you find out his wife already knows and doesn't appreciate you horning in and embarrassing her?

what possible good can come of playing the sexual tattletale?

people of good will do not go around hurting their friends or their friend's wives just so that they can pat themselves on the back and pretend they're better than their friend (which is what is meant by playing the "scruples" card)

i'm not saying you have to alibi your friend, just tell him to leave you out of it and then let it go without further comment between you

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. I love your posts!

:rofl:

Seriously, you bring great humor in sometimes humorless days.

"If you hate and envy your friend, have at it" - priceless! Absolutely fucking priceless!

The way you assign you emotional motivations (and not just here, but everywhere in the past few years you've been posting) is some of the best science-fiction and over-the-top bizarro-land lunacy.

Of all the posters, I know I can count on your to shake my gut with laughter.

[tigereye]

45. very sensible comment

hmm, I've agreed with you twice in 2 days... holy smoke.

[woo me with science]

66. Just stunning.

Your posts are amazing, actually.

[Xipe Totec]

28. No

No, no, no.

Even if the situation was reversed, and you knew his wife better than him,

Still...

No, no, no.

Even if one or the other is your sibling, you are treading on thin ice.


Stay out of it, unless you are willing to lose both friendships.

Taking sides on any situation like this is deadly.

Think what will happen if they patch things up later.

You will be an enemy to both.

I speak from experience.

[I Have A Dream]

29. I don't know if I would tell the wife, but I couldn't stay friends...

with the person. Is this judgmental? Probably, but I have the right to choose my own friends, and infidelity is something that I can't be a part of in any way. My heart would hurt too much for the wife to be a part of the deception. :(

[billyoc]

30. Well, certainly not before I slept with her, that would be highly unscrupulous.

Well, wouldn't it? :shrug:

[mokawanis]

32. No, but I would hate that situation

and I'd try to talk to him about the reasons for the affair, and I'd probably try to talk him into stopping the affair if he was planning on staying in the marriage.

[MrSlayer]

33. No.

Just flat out, no.

[mainegreen]

34. There is no universally correct answer. Depends on who played what role to bring this about.

If your friend just wants to stick his dick somewhere else for a bit, tell her.
If your friend has been driven to this, or feels that he has been due to her behavior, (whether real or not), then don't tell.

[Dangerously Amused]

37. Wait, is this the prof that was hitting on you?

[Genevieve]

61. That's what I'm thinking. nt

[Dangerously Amused]

63. Right, if it is then that would change my answer.

[enigmatic]

39. yes

Absolutely.

[Fleshdancer]

40. I think your friend sucks for putting you in this position

If it were me, I probably wouldn't tell the wife, but I would have a big come to Jesus meeting with the friend.

[kwassa]

41. I would confront the friend, if he is a real friend.

That is part of the job of being a friend. Getting tough with them when they are fucking up. I would expect the same from them.

There might be mitigating circumstances, but it is unlikely I would support a friend in being dishonest.

Not telling the wife, after fair warning, is participating in the dishonesty. I would be an accomplice to the crime.

[Orrex]

42. Depends how much he'd be willing to pay for my silence

Alternatively, if there was ever a time to make a play for his wife, then that's the time.


(:sarcasm:)

[realisticphish]

56. haha

dark, but haha nonetheless :D

[BlueIris]

46. Yes. As it could affect her physical health, I would tell ASAP.

Fucking morons (not, not you, Writer).

[emilyg]

47. Nope.

[Nikia]

48. No

If he talked to me about having the affair, I'd probably express my disapproval and concerns. After that, it would be up to my friend.

[petronius]

49. I might tell one of her close friends rather than telling her directly

However, if I decided to keep the secret I would never admit that I'd known it...

[Iggo]

51. I know for a fact...

...I'd tell him to tell his wife or we ain't friends. And if he refuses (and he will) then make sure his wife (your OTHER friend...quit acting like your friend's wife isn't your friend) make sure she knows you aren't friends with her husband anymore. If she asks why (and she will) tell her "Ask him."

You can't "stay out of it." You're already in it.

[JVS]

52. Hell no! I'd tell him that I know he's having an affair and say that it's probably not a good idea.

[ferrferr]

53. I was the wife who was being cheated on.

And it hurt worse that people knew and just tip-toed around it and said nothing to confirm it to me. I mean I had my suspicions, but never any solid proof. I wish someone had told me flat out, and not just beat around the damn bush.

[realisticphish]

55. gasp

but then you would have been embarrassed, and it would have meant your friends hated you!!!!!11

:eyes:

[ferrferr]

58. Yeah .. you're right..

Because having my "friends" point and talk behind my back was better.

Oddly enough the one person that was suppose to be more my "friend" than my husbands keeps sending me messages saying "I don't know if you're still mad at me or not". Uh, naw, why would I be? After over 3 years of my ignoring you I'd hope you'd answer the clue phone bitch.

[realisticphish]

59. wow

some people can't take a freakin hint

[realisticphish]

54. Don't tell her, but tell your friend

that he's a goddamn douchebag, and he needs to fix it. It is my belief that cheating (particularly a long-term affair) is absoluetly reprehensible. If he wanted to sleep with someone else, he should have split with her first, bottom line. I don't care if the marriage is rocky, a promise is a promise. What happens between them isn't your business, and telling the wife is far worse than getting him to tell her, but that doesn't mean you can't tell him what you think.

[fourvahl]

57. Use it to your advantage!

I would blackmail them with all the goodies and toys they have and you want to borrow! Say Joe, you know that power drill you got? Say Joe, can I borrow your jeep this weekend?

Just kidding..

But seriously, its not your place to tell. Does he know you know? Bottom line IMO is that you definitely could tell him that its not cool but you're there for him as a friend. Beyond that you can only hope he "gets it".

[sarge43]

60. So you do the right thing and tell the wife.

Yes, she may be grateful, but what if she isn't or can't handle the truth. What if she does a .38 pre-frontal lobotomy on your friend or, worse, takes it out on herself or kids? This isn't an unreasonable possibility.

Your conscience is clear about the adultery, but at 2am some sleepless night how's it doing about those dead people? What if you hadn't told her? Maybe they would have worked it out; maybe the worst that would have had happened was a bitter divorce.

Everything we do has consequences and good intentions don't always have good results.

Certainly tell friend you know and that you may have to rethink the friendship if he doesn't clean up his act. Further, let him know if confronted about his adultery, you're not going to lie.

[pitohui]

67. tattletales don't have good intentions

your post is well meant but someone considering ratting out a "friend" is not a true friend and probably would just feel more important if several people get killed in the resulting gunfire

sad experience w. this kind of drama queen

the decent person does not get involved w. playing tattletale or ratting out other people's sexual foibles, that is a game for the sociopath

someone upthread suggests that the "friend" is not actually a friend, but a professor who has been hitting on and thus more or less sexually harassing the OP -- if so it is quite understandable that she wants revenge and doesn't much care if the wife is hurt -- but this isn't about friendship, this about anger and not caring if the innocent wife is hurt as long as the harasser is more badly hurt

[Genevieve]

69. 'SCRUPLES"?: ironic.

"Revenge" is more like it.

[sarge43]

72. I'm not sure if you meant your post as an answer to mine, but

I said nothing about ratting out a friend. I said that telling tales have consequences and sometimes terrible ones.

I'll be clear. No, I wouldn't tell the wife. As the OP said, I don't know her that well and wouldn't know how she'd react. For all I know she knows, doesn't care or for some reason prefers to let the situation be. Marriages are complex; outsiders usually have no clue what's going on. Unsolicited 'help' is seldom welcome.

[Genevieve]

73. I'm in total agreement with you.

Unsolicited help is mostly unwelcome. And it can backfire.

But, this topic is really about revenge anyway, not scruples.

[sarge43]

74. Ah. I didn't realize. Thank you. n/t

[lunatica]

62. How about what you tell your friend?

Would you continue to think he's such a great friend if he's lying to his wife, who should be his soulmate? Maybe you should confront him and hope it isn't too late for him to stop cheating on her. what kind of a friend do you consider yourself to be? The enabler kind or the true kind. Sometimes your friends are just the people to kick your ass soundly.

Then when she finds out he cheated on her and that you knew about it she'll feel less humiliated to know that you confronted him. Feeling that she were cheated on is bad enough without finding out that people she thought were nice people and her friends also lied to her while she welcomed them into her house. Her reaction will be that she's been made out to be a fool and that people just laughed at her behind her back. It's extremely difficult and profoundly victimizing on many levels.

[Lucian]

64. Absolutely.

If I was being cheated on, I'd like to know.

[Zavulon]

76. The only way I'd even CONSIDER getting involved in something like that would be if

I knew my friend was boinking a girl who had an STD. Other than that, I'd refer to my several instances of true-life experience with this question, all of which had me sticking my nose in such business to do the "right thing" and all of which blew up in my face.

Seriously, you're better off staying out of it. Remember what the road to hell is paved with.

[flvegan]

77. Yes, because there's a chance she'll sleep with me to get even.

j/k, but I parrot Rabrrrr's response above and would tell as he suggested.

[trof]

78. Been there, done that, wish I hadn't.

I was MUCH younger, in my mid 20s, and friends with both.
She backed me into a corner at a party one boozy night.
"Look, I just KNOW Jesse's seeing somebody on the side. If you're REALLY my friend you'll tell me. I'm going to hire a private detective, so you could save me a lot of money too if you'd just tell me."

I liked her a lot.
She was the matchmaker responsible for badgering two reluctant souls into their first (blind) date. We will celebrate our 40th anniversary next year.

So...I ratted him out. Actually, at the time I thought he was a real shit for doing what he did. She was a sweet lady with two cute little girls and adored him.

When the shit hit the fan he knew it was one of his friends who had ratted. He just didn't know which one. She never told him.
Of course I was a total chickenshit and denied it. Me = Judas.

She left him and left town.
He left town.
Never saw either of them again.
Wish I'd let her hire the gumshoe and stayed out of it.
Just my $.02.
:shrug: