Mitch Hedberg thread.

[LaraMN]

Because he was approximately the funniest person who has ever taken a breath.

"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

[Starbucks Anarchist]

1. "I'm sick of 'soup of the day' -- it's time to make a decision."

From his new album.

[LaraMN]

2. "I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars,

and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

[MadrasT]

11. I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall.

If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

:rofl:

[DS1]

3. Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit.

You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"

[LaraMN]

4. "I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. "

:D

[vard28]

5. I was at this casino minding my own business,

and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

[LaraMN]

6. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

:crazy:

[lildreamer316]

7. I saw a wino eating grapes. I said to him,"Man, you gotta WAIT!"

[Initech]

8. "How about this? You give the answers, I provide the questions."

"Downhill."

"Which way is my career going? You fucker!!!!"

[Kerrytravelers]

9. Mitch on cell phones and pagers.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

[MadrasT]

10. I got an ant farm... them 'fellas didn't grow shit.

:rofl:

[Iggo]

12. "I like an escalator...

...because an escalator can never break down. It can only become stairs."

[Taverner]

13. I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH"

...so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had a "HH" button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.

[Initech]

14. "What am I drinking? Nyquil on the rocks. It's for people who are sick but social."

[Mad_Dem_X]

15. My favorite:

"When I was little, I slept in a twin bed. I would lie awake every night and wonder where my brother was."

[realisticphish]

16. No one has ever said "Look, here comes a frog" in a scared voice

perhaps he will settle near me... :)

[Initech]

17. "Anyone watch ESPN classic? I saw a baseball game, guy hits a foul ball. Fuckin' classic!"

:rofl: