The economy's tanking, and so is my marriage.

[knitter4democracy]

Just one week after promising me that he loved me and would never bring up divorce again, my husband got everything set in the guest bedroom and went to sleep in there. After doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen (and some knitting time during Daily Show), I found him there and asked him what was going on and why he wasn't in our bed. Apparently, he had decided that he was wrong and that he thinks he wants a divorce.

The best I could figure, it all boils down to housekeeping, and apparently he'd rather pay for and go through a divorce (with our two young kids getting the brunt of it) than for a cleaning lady once a week. Even with all of my health problems (which at one point he told me weren't real and that I just needed more willpower--'cause, yeah, out-of-control asthma and broken bones are totally made up diseases), he thinks I should do all of the cleaning and housework with no help at all.

Ugh. I'm so lost right now.

[ceile]

1. Oh that's awful

I'm sorry if you find this offensive, but the guy sounds like a selfish prick!
:hug:

[knitter4democracy]

8. Not offended. That's how I feel, too.

I think it's more that he's going through a lot right now and just can't handle any of my stuff on top of that, but divorce?! Ugh.

[TZ]

2. I'm sorry, I wish I knew what to say..

:hug: :hug:

[blueraven95]

3. ...

:hug:

[NJmaverick]

4. Very sorry to hear that

:hug:

Have you guys tried counceling?

[knitter4democracy]

9. He's refusing.

I was in therapy for a year and then lost my therapist. I finally found a new one I think it going to work out great just last week, and she would like it if he came it so she could hear his side and help us communicate better, but he's flat-out refusing any and all forms of therapy right now.

I wonder how he'll handle it when I tell him that we're meeting with our priest tomorrow night.

[BlueIris]

5. I'm sorry.

That your husband is a sick bastard.

I hope you'll forgive me for putting that so crassly. But damn. What an asshole.

[knitter4democracy]

10. Yeah.

He really is right now.

[redqueen]

6. Am I alone in thinking that housekeeping reeeeeally isn't the issue here?

I bet if you got him to go to counseling, you'd find out what the real problem is. Houskeeping sounds more like an excuse...

Good luck... hope he agrees to at least try counseling.

[knitter4democracy]

11. No, you're not.

Thing is, he's not talking about anything else. I've got nothing to go on. He's refusing counselling, and I'm fresh-out of ideas after months of this crap.

[Sequoia]

21. Go and mess up the guest bedroom

Short change his sheets

Put clear plastic wrap on the toilet

Put arson in his coffee. Oh, never mind that one.

What a prick. Tell him to pick up his dirt and do his own laundry and wash his own dishes or just throw them out in the yard. Better yet, get all his stuff, pile up in yard and burn it.
Wait, that sounds like a movie I saw.

Not trying to be cute, but clearly he has other issues. Tell him to have his mom clean up after him.

[zanne]

37. Maybe that's what he wants.

Mom, I mean. Some men expect their wives to be their mommies, too.

[Lorien]

41. There are SO MANY like that out there

I had a boss who divorced his first wife (mother of his kids) and married another woman because he thought the other woman would keep his home more like his mother did. Well, wife #2 didn't do his laundry the way he liked (never ironed his t-shirts or sheets, and folded his socks the wrong way) and didn't mop the floors to his taste (he bought her a new mop for Christmas). So he returned to his first wife once the debates over housework became too hostile. There were no other women gullible enough to date him, so he "settled" for the woman who folded his socks correctly. :eyes:

Some people really ARE that shallow. Bends the mind, but there they are! I think that Knitter's hubby is in for a rude awakening if he does leave.

[zanne]

78. Maybe that's what it will take.

You don't know what you've got till it's gone. (With apologies to Joni Mitchell).

[BlueJazz]

88. Yep...You're right, Redqueen...there's something else going on that he....

...either won't or Can't admit to himself or his wife...

[malta blue]

7. I am so sorry

:hug:

I am in the same position these days too. My husband casually told me he wanted a divorce a couple of weeks ago, but he thought he was still coming up to bed. His reasons seem as ridiculous as the ones you are posting. Sometimes there is no understanding what goes on in people's heads.

I am sorry for your children and I hope you two can keep it as amicable as possible, for their sakes.

:hug::hug:

[knitter4democracy]

13. I don't get it either.

I have no idea what's going on in their heads. Why pay all the expenses of a divorce when therapy and a cleaning lady are cheaper in the long run?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. thats is majorly mean and inconsiderate of him

[knitter4democracy]

14. It sure feels that way.

Look, I'm no prize. I'm messed up myself, and I'm only now coming out of an almost two year long depression (health crap really got to me). Still, way to hit me just when I thought there was hope.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

15. yes, very selfish.

sorry.

[knitter4democracy]

16. You know, he even admitted that last week.

I guess that was just last week, though. *sigh*

[La Lioness Priyanka]

17. well i am sorry you feel like you are no prize. if i were you, i would look into

getting therapy so this doesnt pull you into another depression

[knitter4democracy]

24. Just started up again this last week.

Great timing, eh?

[alarimer]

18. He's an asshole.

If he can't help as he SHOULD, you are better off without him.

[Bunny]

19. Isn't your husband a doctor? Or am I confusing you with someone else?

Anyway, so very sorry for your situation. I hope everything works out for the best. :hug:

[knitter4democracy]

25. Yeah. He's never been the same since med school.

We've known each other since our frosh year at college, and med school really changed him. It made him a great doctor, but it brought out all the jerk crap, too.

[Bunny]

26. I wondered that when you mentioned your health problems.

He doesn't sound like the most sympathetic doc, does he? Sending good vibes your way. :hug:

[knitter4democracy]

27. Oh, he's sympathetic with his patients, just not me.

That's the real irony. I hear from his patients all the time how he's the best doctor and really listens and cares about their pain and health problems and makes them better. I just don't get it at home very much.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

66. Not uncommon in the helping professions

One hears of psychologists or clergy who are so kind and understanding to their patients or parishioners and are absolutely callous toward their family.

[AspenRose]

20. I'm sorry.

:-(

:hug:

[rubberducky]

22. I have always thought that once the "D" word is spoken, it`s only a matter of time.

Divorce is so sad for everyone. Prepare youself. Always remember, if you decide to stay "no matter what", you owe no one an explanation. Do what you feel is best for you. Best of luck to you!

[grannylib]

23. I'm so sorry. I hope the counseling works out, if you want to keep

the marriage and family together...
Been in your shoes, many years ago, and it sucks. I'm so sorry. Please do what you can to take care of yourself in the midst of this stress; I know that's a lot easier said than done.
:hug:

[raccoon]

28. I'm sorry to hear this, Knitter. Is it possible he's involved with someone else? nt

[SmokingJacket]

29. I thought this, too.

His behavior sounds familiar...
Hugs to you , knitter. It stinks.

:hug:

[knitter4democracy]

32. I don't think so.

I've been doing some sleuthing (family history of this sort of thing, so I tend to think of it first), and I can't find any evidence that he is.

I'm not stupid, though. I'm getting a full STD checkup at my next doctor's appt.

[ThatsMyBarack]

30. That stinks!

:hug:

[Deep13]

31. So he wants to call it quits because you won't conform to a gender stereotype.

What a man! I'm sorry, but that is the most intensely stupid thing I have heard this week. To throw away a marriage and wreck two lives plus the children emotionally and financially for that--stupid. How old is he? Is this some kind of midlife crisis?

[knitter4democracy]

33. I think it is something like that.

Apparently, his dad does this periodically to his mom, too. His mom called it "burnout", but I call it depression. I told him flat-out last night that his behavior's abusive and that it's stopping now. No divorce but no more crap.

[Name removed]

34. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Pale Blue Dot]

35. knitter, can I ask you a question?

Why do YOU want to stay in this marriage? You have been psychologically abused by this man, and frankly, no matter how badly he feels right now I think that he is EXTREMELY likely to do this again. Think about it - he was able to carry on multiple affairs for 6 years without you being able to find out. Whats to stop him from doing this again?

It's good that you are both getting counseling, but I have a hard time understanding why you would want to. And trust me, I know a little bit more about these types of situations than you might think.

Either way, good luck. I hope it works out the best for everyone involved.

[knitter4democracy]

47. I love him.

I grew up as the daughter of the other woman. My dad and stepmom never forgave her and did their darndest to destroy her. I don't want to be that person. I need to forgive for myself, and I need to honor my love for him and give him this one last chance.

If he does it to me ever again, I will destroy him. I know how, he knows this, and I wouldn't hesitate.

[BlueIris]

52. Ask yourself, seriously, though...what is there to love about this person?

I hope that for your sake you will get yourself to a real psychiatrist for individual therapy. Someone who is not your priest or a physician who knows your spouse. Read your post about your husbands affairs and dishonesty to the shrink and see what she or he says in response. (Hint: it isn't going to be pretty.)

[knitter4democracy]

53. My next session's on Monday.

And I am going to see what she says.

I honor what you're saying, I really do, and I totally agree up to a point. My point is that there's still a lot to love about him and if he's going to finally give this marriage everything he's got, it would be petty and small of me to run away just to hurt him back.

[BlueIris]

63. "(P)etty and small"? Of you? The one who didn't cheat for six years sans protection

or conscience?

I just hope you're seeing a real doctor here, not a Dr. Phil wanna be. You need serious, professional help.

[knitter4democracy]

79. Ph.D.

She's also married to a physician, so she might be able to help with that a bit more.

[WolverineDG]

38. Sorry to hear you're going through this, knitter

:hug: Hope everything works out for the best.

dg

[TroglodyteScholar]

39. I don't understand...

Your update is so full of "I'm making him do so-and-such" and "if he doesn't meet my demands, it's over.." etc. Why are you clinging to him? If he was already talking about divorce, how can your ultimatums be effective? Aren't you just drawing the pain out longer and longer? Seems like his heart's not in it, and you've been deeply hurt. I'm not trying to be judgmental, but it seems to me like you're better off splitting up.

[knitter4democracy]

48. His heart's in it, though.

At least, it is for now. When we get into therapy, we'll see what's what.

[TroglodyteScholar]

50. I hope you're right...

...and wish you the best of luck. I've been through a divorce, and my ex- outright refused to go to counseling--that's when I realized that any effort to save the marriage on my part would be wasted energy. I hope your experience is different :hug:

[KatyaR]

77. Sadly, his heart may be in it now simply because he got caught.

I'm glad you're discussing this with a therapist--there's a lot here that needs to be resolved.

Hugs to you and your kids . . . . :hug:

[Beausoir]

40. I am so sorry, Knitter. You are a better person than I am, that's for sure.

I would have found that nurse and scatched her eyes out.

I hope you can find some peace and comfort.

[Gormy Cuss]

42. Best wishes for the counseling.

May you both gain insight into his behavior.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

43. Oh Jesus.

:hug:

Maybe it's better to just split up? Forgive, yes, but forgiveness doesn't mean staying married. :(

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

44. This is almost too much to digest

First of all, you need to be completely open and honest with your OBGYN about this. Be tested for everything (including HIV). You do get annual pap smears, right? :shrug:

Please continue counseling. Be strong. Get as healthy as you can-- both physically and emotionally.

I wish you well.

:hug:

[knitter4democracy]

49. Got tested for everything today.

Getting more testing next week.

My doctor and he trained together, and when his doctor's phone nurse wouldn't call in the labwork, he called my doctor and actually had to ask her for the favor of calling in his labwork as well as mine. That felt good.

[MasonJar]

45. Forgive but move on

I am sorry to say this, but this man is never going to change. He is going to cheat again and he is obviously psychologically abusive. You need to find the strength to leave him, or be prepared for a lifetime of cheating. And pain. I am sorry to be so blunt, but it is simply the truth.

[PassingFair]

46. I can't believe that you are even THINKING of staying married to him.

He has blatantly LIED to you for over 6 years!

Get the nastiest lawyer you can find. FAST.

You don't strike me as the kind of person that
would make your life a living hell just to be
a "doctor's wife".

Really, have some self-respect.

And I say this as someone who DOES respect you.

[BlueIris]

51. For real. PLEASE leave him.

I'm having a hard time believing this story, but let's assume for a second that every word of it is true: RUN. You have NO idea what else he has been doing on the side. Drugs? Other illegal shit? Hiding money? How do you know for sure that ANYTHING you think you know about him is true? (Other things to check on are whether or not he actually got that vasectomy or whether or not he is even a real doctor.)

Pathological liars and emotional abusers don't change, but you can.

HE IS VILE. RUN AWAY.

[knitter4democracy]

54. I appreciate your concern.

Considering I've been with him since college, was there when he signed the book of the profession and when he got his license in the mail, and was in the office when he got the vasectomy, no, I don't think it means I should question absolutely everything, including things I've seen for myself first-hand.

When someone hurts, they do stupid, hurtful shit a lot of the time. The fact that he's actually telling the truth now (I'm not stupid--we got tested today for almost everything, and I do have a bank account he can't touch) for the first time in years means that I should at least give him a few days.

If I have to run, I will, and I totally understand where you're coming from on that, but I'd hate to have regrets or always wonder if I gave it my all. That I'm doing for myself.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

67. I don't have a hard time believing this story

I know a man who puts up with the same kind of nonsense.

[BlueIris]

68. It's knitter4democracy's flat affect in relating this story,

as well as the too-convenient ultra-fast STD panel, (which makes them both look more sympathetic) that ring a little false to me here.

[bicentennial_baby]

69. Well, I've known her on another forum for years

A knitting forum, and she's nothing if not stone-cold honest. Really.

[knitter4democracy]

86. Thank you.

I like that: stone-cold honest. That's how I feel right now.

[knitter4democracy]

80. Um, okay.

Flat affect? You do realize it's written, right? You can't see the tears rolling down my face.

As for the STD panel, my doctor's a friend of ours, and I called her up, she agreed to it all, faxed over the order to our lab that's open on Saturdays and then faxed over a second one for Hubby when his doctor's phone nurse wouldn't forward his request as a favor to him. Doctor privilege means things can move a bit faster for us.

[LeftyMom]

57. Even if you want to make it work, you should talk to a lawyer now.

So that you're in a good position if things go south.

You need to make sure that you're getting enough money to support the kids, if things go badly.

[fed_up_mother]

58. Sweetie, let me tell you something

I'm over fifty years old, and have seen a number of friends suffer through adultery and usually divorce.

Let me give you a hint: the women in these affairs frequently tells the guy that she's being abused. It made him feel strong and needed. He liked feeling protective of her. Confiding in him created an almost instant, emotional intimacy.

My best friend went through this, and she even met with the other woman and forgave her, but all the while, the other woman was scheming to get him to divorce her. I'm happy to say that after a couple of years of counseling, they went on to a very happy marriage, and it's been several years.

And conversely, I'm sure he told her that he was being "neglected" at home, and didn't love you. It's the games people play to live with themselves when they're acting like jerks.

[LeftyMom]

59. That's a very good point.

He's probably made up this whole narrative about how you're not really ill, just a malingerer trying to get out of housework, so that he can justify his behavior to himself and to others. The sick thing is, after all this time he likely believes it.

[Zuiderelle]

60. You need to leave him. There's no way that someone who's cheated for six years will ever change.

And even if they could change, they betrayed you to such an extent that you can never really have the relationship you thought you had before. You owe it to yourself to leave. You owe it to your children to leave. Don't pretend that everything will be ok. It can't be ok. You can't just wish it away. He destroyed it, and you need to move on. You will NEVER be able to trust him.

This didn't happen just once. It didn't even just happen for a day, or a month, or a year. SIX YEARS. You need to let it go. It doesn't matter if you love him. He obviously doesn't love you, not really... there's no way he could love you and treat you like that.

[bluethruandthru]

61. Good for you for trying to make it work.

If the two of you didn't have children, I might say you should leave him. However, I'm a firm believer that, when children are involved, it's no longer about you or him..it's about them.
I went through a similar situation 12 years ago. The kids were little. I found out about it...blew up..talked about divorce, etc. The kids knew none of what was going on and I wanted to keep it that way. A family member who is a marriage counselor told us to put any divorce plans on hold and read a book called "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman, M.D. My husband was willing to read it and it changed everything. He broke it off with the other woman. We agreed that the kids didn't need to know anything...and they never did.
He was willing to try, if I was. We spent 5 years in marital therapy (based on another book called "Getting the Love you Want"). We learned alot about ourselves and each other and what we each needed from the marriage.
People often asked me why I didn't just leave him. I always told them that I loved my children more than I hated him! And, yes, I hated him for awhile.
We've been married 22 years and I can honestly say our marriage is better now than it was before the affair.
I hope the fight for your marriage works out for you!

[fizzgig]

75. staying together for the children does more damage to them than divorcing, imho

if the parents are unhappy, the kids are going to be, too.

i'm glad you were able to make your marriage work, but the bottom line is that her husband has to want to change. that's it. if they are going to be unhappy as a married couple, the kids are going to know it and i would not wish that feeling on any child

[Mojorabbit]

73. Sweetie

This is the exact same thing I went through 12 years ago. I think it is an occupational hazard. Counseling worked wonders and though it took a long time for me to get over it we have a wonderful marriage now. Better than we ever had before. But both of us had to want it to work at the time.
PM me if you ever want to talk.

[zanne]

36. Housework is no longer something trivial. It can ruin a marriage.

Especially if both people work full time jobs. It isn't really the housework itself, its the thoughtlessness of someone who won't help out when he/she knows the other has already had a full day of work.
It's one thing to say "I love you". The real proof of love is the willingness to share burdens. My first husband was spoiled rotten growing up and never had to lift a finger. It showed up in our relationahip. He thought I'd be like his mother.
More than one marriage has broken up because of someone else's selfishness and immaturity.

[latebloomer]

55. I understand why you need to to give it one last shot

Though, given his history, I don't feel too hopeful about it, I do believe that a marriage should not be given up on until marital therapy is given a serious shot. Especially when children are involved, you need to be able to say you did everything you possibly could.

You may each gain some crucial insights about yourselves, individually and as a couple. Maybe he will begin to understand what makes him behave the way he does. Even if it develops that this marriage is not meant to continue, you would be able to part and to co-parent in a more civil fashion.

All the best to you. I'm sorry this is going on- it really sucks.

[fed_up_mother]

56. Do you work outside of the home?

[knitter4democracy]

81. Not really.

I teach part-time at the Art Center, so no, I really don't work.

I've looked into what it'll take to renew my teaching license, and I'm going to get the paperwork from the state started this week. Not many jobs locally, but I'll feel better knowing I could get a teaching job if I had to.

[Callalily]

62. I echo much of the sentiment

listed above, so all I'm going to offer you is strength and hugs. Wishing you the best, no matter what path you take.

:hug:

[InvisibleTouch]

64. I can't help but wonder why you would do this to yourself...

...or why anyone would, for that matter. I can only encourage you to love and value yourself enough to cut this jerk loose and look toward the future. If you've been ill, you might be amazed how getting away from the stress of such an abusive situation can do wonders for your health. You deserve that, and you deserve serenity.

Easier said than done, perhaps. Given my own history with people, it's fairly easy for me to cut people loose when they've crossed an unforgivable line, because it just isn't worth my time and energy to put up with them. Consider how many (few) years we have on this Earth, and how many opportunities there really are to be joyful and to interact with people who lift us up, rather than drag us down. Why would anyone dissipate that limited time and energy on people who hurt us? Be good to yourself. Consider this guy a closed chapter in your life, an experience to learn from but not to repeat.

[NorthernSpy]

65. what bothers me most is that he tried to make you the bad guy...

People with serious asthma are supposed to avoid contact with things like dust and mold spores, and whatnot. As a doctor, he knows that. Refusing to allow you to get some housekeeping help is callous; leading you to believe that your illness is what's soured your marriage is even worse.

Lots of people have weaknesses. Whether it's drinking, or pills, or cheating like your husband did. But not all of those people try to blame and vilify the person they hurt or let down. Doing that indicates a more fundamental deficit of character and human sympathy.


I know there are children to consider, and you must do what you think best. Just, please be careful.

[knitter4democracy]

82. That's what bothers me the most, too.

That's what's going to be the hardest to forgive, and that's what might ultimately mean that it's over.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

70. Knitter, know that you did nothing wrong

and that your husband is not worthy of you. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

You're lucky to be Orthodox, rather than Roman Catholic, since there is no prohibition against divorce, but in the end, only you can make this decision.

I don't want to hear any nonsense about how you are imitating Christ by suffering this man's infidelity and lack of consideration. (I heard that from a friend recently, and it sounds wack even to another Christian.) A very wise priest once told me that the admonition to "Love your neighbor as yourself" assumes that you had a healthy portion of self-love.

[knitter4democracy]

83. Even our priest told me in confession that he'd understand if I left.

He's so shocked and hurt himself by that idiot's behavior that he said that he would understand fully if I ended it all. He asked me to try to forgive, if just for myself and our children, and to try the counselling, also if just for selfish reasons.

And no, there's no imitation of Christ here, unless I got some bulky yarn and put it together into a whip and started whipping him and turning tables over in anger. That, I could probably do right now.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

87. Sounds good to me

:evilgrin:

[Connonym]

71. I'm so sorry

first of all :hug: I think people who don't have asthma cannot even comprehend how debilitating it can be. It contributed greatly to my marriage failing when I was having bouts that required hospitalization and it was triggered by fumes at work -- I wanted to quit my job and my ex told me I needed to suck it up. It hurts on a lot of levels and I'm so sorry you're going through this -- your husband really should know better.

The decision to stay or to leave is something only you can determine but I hope that you do make sure that you're protecting yourself financially as well as physically (with condoms). If you can, make sure that you've got enough money tucked away to leave if you have to and if things don't work make sure you get a good, aggressive lawyer. Again :hug: I'm sorry you have to deal with all this.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

72. Good point!

I had a friend whose husband acted all normal as she went off to work, and when she came back, all his stuff was gone (including one of their dogs) AND he had emptied their bank accounts.

[knitter4democracy]

84. Got the bank account already.

Have the lawyer's card in my wallet.

He's agreed this morning to do direct deposit into my personal account to build it up to enough to get through the first couple of months, just in case.

[Robeson]

74. I'm not qualified to give marriage advice...

...just want you to know I hope for the best! :hug:

[Kat45]

76. I have to ask: did you put him through medical school?

You said you've known each other since college. Were you the one working and supporting the two of you while he was in med school? If that's the case, his behavior pisses me off even more than it would anyway. People here are giving you good advice. I don't have any advice but I wish you luck in this shitty situation.

[knitter4democracy]

85. Yeah. I even took a crappy teaching job to do it.

Really hard not to be furious about it all right now.

[WinkyDink]

89. I hope Elle goes quietly.

[knitter4democracy]

91. He'd deserve it if she doesn't.

Frankly, I'm not sure what she'll do. I'm assuming she'll corner him at work on Tuesday, and I've walked through with him what he needs to say and how to say it to make sure the message stays clear. Beyond that, I have no idea what she'll do.

[UndertheOcean]

90. Listen , I don't know you , but I can feel that staying with the bastard is not good for you

you need to dump him , and you need to see a good therapist as soon as possible .

This is not love ... there is no love without both sides giving .... other types are almost mental illness.

I know , I've been there ... done that ...

get over him, I promise you your life will be much better.

[ThomCat]

92. Reading this thread has made me incredibly sad.

I'm very sorry you're living in this situation. Whatever you do, I hope you somehow find the happiness and security you need. :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

93. *hugs*

[OhioChick]

94. You're in my thoughts and prayers....

:hug:

[mizzuzmojorizin]

95. You know the situation better than any of us

And far be it for me to go on and on with advice to a stranger about so important an issue, but in regards to your statement about wanting to keep your family intact, please let me give you some feedback about why that may not be healthy for your children, nor the true reason on your part.

My parents were married for 16 years and it was not a good marriage. They fought like cats and dogs and I remember many a time crying to myself about it. I believe that they didn't get divorced because of their own issues. My father has used that same excuse to explain why he won't give his second wife a divorce (she lives away from the home most of the week!). I believe he is using his teenage son as justification for his inability to leave.

Even if the two of you don't scream in front of the kids, they will sense the bad vibes. And I want to say one more thing: I have read this whole thread and seen multiple times where you are taking his word for stuff (telling him what to say to the other woman, as if you trust that he will actually do this, listening in to his phone call to her, as if he can't meet with her privately and say that it was all an act).

This is easy for me to say but I still maintain I'd do this: if I had the financial means to split (and it sounds like you do), I would say: "You want her? It's been a slice...go for it!" Because I have absolutely no interest in being with anyone who is not totally into me. I wouldn't even put up with someone who was unsure about it. If you have detachment, I think you give the impression of dignity and strength. Clinging to anything is never the answer. I really wish you well.