Lounge vibes request- Going to "couples" counseling with the ex this afternoon...

[SacredCow]

He and the counselor keep talking about "not closing any doors" since things were going so well for us prior to the storm. However, it's just become clear to me that though I've been giving 110% to this relationship, my return of investment was 50%, at best.

My rhetorical question to them both today will be essentially, "What is so fundamentally wrong with me that you don't feel that I'm worth a partner who is everything to me, as I am to him?" And I can't see how they'd be able to argue that with me.

But the problem is that I still have feelings for him, as I've yet to find that "off" switch. So my resolve needs strengthening. That's the vibes I'm requesting- strength and conviction.

Thanks to you all for your kind (and sometimes painfully frank) words- past, present and future!

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. You have them.

Although my vibes are not usually very helpful. :hug: I hope all goes well and I wish you only the best future. You deserved to be loved 110% in return.

[SacredCow]

9. Thanks Mrs. G!

All vibes are helpful!

:hug:

[Resuscitated Ethics]

2. vibes abound

but keep your head gear on. Be strong. Gottmans http://www.gottman.com/marriage/relationship_quiz/ strategy of being forgiving to a fault is working for ME now but I have never been in ex status. Another Gottman link: http://www.gottman.com/marriage/self_help/ and finally http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0752837265/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222956259&sr=8-1

If you have succeeded in completing the 'ex' part of the equation and there are no kids you may wish to run fast...

[SacredCow]

10. Interesting quizzes...

Thanks! :hi:

[MissMillie]

3. There's nothing wrong w/ you.

But people shouldn't be each other's "everything".

You should have a full life all on your own, and then you should have someone that you really want to share it with.



(then again, you may want to ignore what I have to say because in my life I have never managed to keep a relationship for more than a few years.... I've seen what works, I've just never been able to find it for myself)

[SacredCow]

5. Well, I didn't mean 'everything' in a co-dependent sort of way...

I do have my own life, of course, as did he. I just meant that there shouldn't be other people who will routinely take priority over each other.

But his baggage was in the form of a prior partner whom he feels responsible for and ultimately made a decision to shoot me down on the ONE important favor that I ever asked for in our relationship, because it would have been a minor inconvenience to his prior partner. It's a long story- that's as short as I can make it!

edited for wording change...

[MissMillie]

12. gotcha

it sounds like you're healthy.... I'll back off.

[malta blue]

4. (((((vibes)))))

:hug:

If you feel you are not getting 100% from him, then he does not deserve 100% from you.

Having had marital problems in the past month, I too have realized that I have been putting all the effort in. Thing is, I found the off switch really fast and want nothing more to do with him. Even my kid (not his) found her off switch too - last night she yelled "Girl Power" as she assumed his spot on the sofa to watch tv. :rofl:

[SacredCow]

7. Yeah, I've read your posts on that....

and have been commisserating from afar with you.

But for me to do the "girl power" thing with you, I'd have to get into drag! :rofl: But good on you and your daughter! I wish you all the best!

[malta blue]

11. I'm sure you'd be great fun in drag.

Little MB and I go to our local pride parade every year - she loves the drag show. ;)

[SacredCow]

14. I've done it a handfull of times for fundraisers...

and have received good reviews... But I give all of the credit to my makeup guy- he's just brilliant.

I've posted this up before, but this is me the last time I did it- a little over a month ago:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

6. best of luck. lots of love. that man is lucky to have you. nt

[SacredCow]

8. Thanks, Pri.....

Not going to jump into anything right away. Some "me" time is in order, I think. Some solo traveling is on my horizon, I think.

:hug:

[pnutbutr]

13. Although I like

your question, it probably won't help the situation. Best thing to do is be completely honest and say exactly why you feel you only get 50% from him. Try not to criticize him about specific things but let him know what you do not like and what you would like from him. Know that changes will not be immediate and take some time. Keep this type of open honest, non critical if possible, communication open between you without the counselor and your relationship will be better for it.

[SacredCow]

15. I see your point...

But the relationship is probably over, really. I'm attending this Joint thing at his request, and what I'm hoping to get out of it is closure. I would like to maintain a friendship (eventually) with him but that's probably all that I can offer, unless he makes MAJOR life changes (which is not likely).

[SacredCow]

16. Well, the time almost cometh...

In about 30 minutes, I'll be headed to the session- for better or for worse. I'm dreading it like a 8 years of McCain-Palin....

Thanks for all of your kind words, Loungers- I love and appreciate every last one of ya (even when we disagree).




Man, this is just going to suck...
:cry:

[lost-in-nj]

17. in late but

:hug:

good luck



lost

[SacredCow]

18. Thanky....

packing up my stuff now to leave work.