Okay. Just how long is an infatuation supposed to last? And when is it love?

[crim son]

Any thoughts?

[Droopy]

1. I'm tempted to look up a cheesy, 80s, Whitesnake power ballad

My dictionary defines infatuate as, "to fill with a foolish or extravagant love or admiration." May you always be infatuated to the person of your desire.

[crim son]

2. Now I am compelled to look up that ballad.

Excellent. :D
On edit: Cheesy ballad? You need to see the video!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujnH4yNqL8E

[Droopy]

7. That's some prime cheese right there

I need some saltines and some Alabama Slammer.

[crim son]

8. And I need a really short, flippy white polyester dress and heels

so I can sashay at the foot of the bed until my man goes CRAZY! :rofl: :P

[margotb822]

3. Until you have your first fight

If you fight and it's over, it's infatuation, a fling. If you fight and stay together, it could be love.

Just the first thing that came to my mind.

[crim son]

4. Oh, that's ancient history.

We are both battle-scarred and there are fights. But I never think after making up, "Why am I doing this?" The fights are always about something we need to work on, and when we talk it through it is better than ever. Scares the crap out of me.

[margotb822]

5. Hm, well I guess I would need more specifics

to analyze your situation.

[crim son]

6. Fair enough.

I guess what I'm saying is that, dating before marriage, and then being married, the common denominator in the failed relationships was a gradual erosion of... respect, I think, for my partner through fights and the resultant recognition of our differences. Eventually the end was a relief. It isn't happening this time; I keep growing more impressed.

[Ellen Forradalom]

9. That last sentence says it all

I seriously think you're on to something.

[crim son]

11. Me too. I'm so cautious, always too cautious.

I sort of can't believe it, you know? Except I seem to know. Thank you. :hug:

[margotb822]

10. I think infatuation

is very short (on the order of weeks or a few months, depending on contact). It's based on looks and extrapolations of what you think you know about that person, which is why a crush can be so fleeting. But, love, well it's different for every person. I agree with you about the respect piece, and I'd like to add a shared idea of the future. I think a lot of being in love is having a common path. Differences can be ok, depending on how you interpret them. I won't say that I don't think you're in love because you're asking about it. In fact, I think you probably are but are hesitating for other reasons (maybe past experiences). But, and again, this is only my personal experience, I think that if you're going to love effectively, you have to love completely. You have to give yourself over to it. I would recommend talking to your partner. If you're holding back because you don't know for sure how they feel, you may just need to have that conversation.

[crim son]

13. You give very good advice.

I had the talk you recommend last night. I don't think that in any relationship before this I have... given myself up, you know? And I have been fighting the absolute instinct to do it for about two years (because of my past, yes, and because of my very controlling personality). Suddenly I see myself growing old with this man, and it isn't abstract. It's desirable. Eeeeeek, if you know what I mean.

[margotb822]

16. Thanks. If only I could follow it...

If the trust is there, and you're both on the same page, I say go for it, jump all in. You have a lot to lose, but so much more to gain. It is scary, but it's the only way to truly succeed. If you haven't already, I would read Eat, Pray, Love. I resisted reading it because I thought it was some sappy chick book, but it's actually very funny and thoughtful. I highlighted some points that I thought I'd need in the future, and I have gone back and reread.

Good luck!

[crim son]

19. I will look for the book.

I, too, am resistant to sappy chick books (or movies!) but I respect your advice. :pals:

[lizziegrace]

26. I agree

jump in. Get your head out of the sand and tear down those walls. He obviously loves the real you (imagine that!) ;-) If I can do it, so can you my dear...

:hug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

12. In my experience, when you're infatuated you're rather giddy

School-girlish (or -boyish).

Love is more peaceful and more sure of itself.

I think you'll know. :)

[crim son]

14. I know.

I think I'm asking because I'm amazed, happy, and wanting to talk about it. :hug: Thank you, Oeditpus Rex. :hug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

15. That's a good sign

Seems to me that infatuation wants to keep itself quiet because it thinks it's kinda silly. But love wants to tell everybody.

:)

[crim son]

17. I'm a sensible girl and have made a very conscious decision not to hide it any more

especially on DU where our arguments (and his conservatism) are known. Somebody posted today about our being older, and not so free to make choices in terms of our mate. I wanted to say NO! because I've found something I didn't know was out there. But if I'd stayed married I would have counted myself among the normal, regular, tolerant-to-unhappy people who did what they have to do. Instead I have this: a gift.

I'll stop. You have given me my outlet and I truly appreciate it.

[Oeditpus Rex]

23. I just hope he loves you

Because you're worth it. :)

[crim son]

24. Too dear, Oeditpus.

He does. That's the miracle of it.

[Roon]

18. My first lover, James

(he died in 1993) was about 12 years older than I was. He was so gorgeous and treated me like gold. Things didn't work out and everyone kept telling me not to worry about it, I was infatuated with him. I thought I loved him. So I don't know what to think. I still think about him every now and then.

[crim son]

21. I am sorry to hear that James died; I hope you know how sincerely.

I've had so many relationships, both long and short term. The most recent was a very long marriage. What I know is that this is different but I have been plagued by people telling me about "rebound" relationships. My Love himself has worried about that. It doesn't feel that way.

You say you thought you loved James. I still think of certain past relationships, the more serious ones, with either amusement, or fondness or exasperation. Not one of those men can I say I still love. Do you still love James? (this is no litmus test... I'm just wondering.)

[Roon]

29. Yes..I still love James

and if he were here today I wouldn't have made the same kid mistakes that drove him away from me.I was a kid, I was strung out,and he couldn't handle it. I will never make that mistake with anyone again.

I like my new boyfriend. We text all day and then talk for an hour every night on the phone. I accept his flaws and he accepts mine. I hope to bring him home soon to my parents.His name is Jason just like mine but my family calls me Jay and we will call him Jason. The only problem is my gay name is Jason,so all of my gay friends know me about that name. Oh well, we will manage. If that is the worst thing that is bad about our relationship then we are lucky.

Sorry to go off topic. But it's really tough when you are an overweight, 40yearold,hivpoz,toothless man to find a boyfriend and I just have to talk to everyone about it.

[crim son]

30. Roon!

I've read your at least one recent post about Jason, and I know about aging, being unwell, and doubting oneself. Part of loving must be putting aside our own conceptions of self, and accepting the vision that is held dear by our Lover. I don't know you well, but have read your posts for some years and know you are a kind, sincere, complicated person. I hope this Jason is the one for you, and that you both learn from one another. :hug: Thanks for responding to my post. And you are not off topic. The topic is LOVE!

[Roon]

34. Thanks Crimson!

I hope this is the one too! He is studying to be a nurse and would make an excellent one.I would have brought him to Denver for the DU meetup but he lives in all the way Boulder and doesn't know how to take the bus to get down here.He had a couple of DUIs and can't drive his car so his parents drive him everywhere. He has a car but is still suspended from driving it.He is off probation and will be finished with school next spring and he can get a nursing job. He took up smoking again since we met, but I don't care. Smoking is like it was when I was a kid and the adults smoked. I just don't notice. I spent a lot of time in the hospital in the early 90's and had plenty of nurses that smoked. So it's not unheard of.

Anyway, thanks for the kind post. Jason is very liberal and politically aware but he doesn't visit any of the websites and chats like I do. Still, it's cool to have someone you can talk politics with and who is on the same page. Kadien and Cathandler have a relationship like that and I think it's really nifty!!

[crim son]

35. And I thank you for your response!

I've done the DUI and know the disability!

Sometimes I hope we'll all meet, all the DUers who don't despise one another. I'd love to meet you and James... maybe some day, when DUIs don't matter, buses are like carousels and the best hangout is right around the corner from us all. :hug:

[Roon]

37. We'll keep in touch

:hug:

[crim son]

39. I'd like that, Room.

:hug:

[samuraiguppy]

20. it's love when you really know them

inside and out--all the warts, all the flaws and you are still crazy about them. Until you fully know them--it is infatuation.

JMHO

[crim son]

22. That's what I think.

Then why am I still so high?

Don't answer :)

[samuraiguppy]

38. sometimes that absolutely crazy wonderful

kind of love can last a life time (I know it is very rare though).

It happened to my grandparents--they knew each other only about a week before they eloped! They were married nearly 70 years---and at least on my grandfather's part--he was madly in love with her. When my grandmother was in her 80's I know that he still looked at her and saw the beautiful young girl he had fallen in love with. When she died he never walked again, never cared about anything again---just went straight downhill and died a few months later. He just gave up without her. Before she died--he was in perfect health--because he had to take care of her. Madly in love--all his life. Sometimes it happens.

(not to me yet though)

[EFerrari]

25. Wait -- it's supposed to end?!

[crim son]

32. Maybe that's the point of my post!

I've done two year relationships, and I've done eighteen year relationships. The thrill ended, to be replaced by something else. I'm two years into it and feel like I haven't had the first date. I am in LOVE! but I'm posting my question anyway. :)

[Zavulon]

27. It's love when you no longer have to ask "when is it love?".

As for infatuations, I've had a couple last for roughly half a year or so, but usually they're gone in well under half that time.

[crim son]

33. Thank you.

I'm no spring chicken, and this is not my first, second or tenth relationship, nor is it his. It just seems amazing to have found one another so late in life, when we are no longer young and idealistic. It's almost better, though. NO: it is better. As a young idealist, nothing in myself was good enough. In my advanced age, I recognize the gift others have to give, and am further grateful when they accept mine.

Yeah, I"m a freaking poet tonight. I should go to bed but am really hyper with happiness tonight. I mean, this morning. :D

[LeftyMom]

28. If you're asking, you're not there.

When you get that "oh, so that's what it was I needed" feeling, and you have no question in your mind that this is exactly what you want out of life, you're there.

[crim son]

31. You might know me better by now, though you don't much like me.

I remember this night last year in the fall. We had watched a movie, shared popcorn with his kids, and we were then alone, embracing on a couch in his livingroom. We were a year into the relationship. I lay there, holding his body and cradling his face, and suddenly identified the thrill I was feeling. It was exactly like Christmas when I was a child, still believing in miracles, still ignorant of truth. At that time I cast my mind back to the one "true love" I identified in my past, and suddenly realized that with this man, TB, I had everything I had imagined in the one Love, except he loved and treasured me back. It was good before then, and has astonished me by getting better.

I once offended Drum by posting an email of David's. It was a joke, a questioning of our romance in ludicrous, theatrical terms, and Drum responded with huge support for what he hoped was my disdain. I told him it was a joke, and he has never since responded to any post of mine. Tonight I posted because I'm curious what people think. I already know what I think.

Thank you for your response, LeftyMom.

[Guava Jelly]

36. Infatuation can last a long time

as for the second part of your question. Hell I dunno.:shrug:

[crim son]

40. Geez, Sweetpea, it's been so long since I asked the question

I can't remember the secong half. Thank you for answering though. I think of you as something of an expert. In relationships, time, and consideration of the above, I mean. :hug:

[Guava Jelly]

41. I'm good at very few things.

Infatuation is one of them :) As far as relationships go.I'm still working on that part.
Good Morning Crim son. You've got to be getting sleepy by now :)