Am I stupid to be friends with this person? Or inherently flawed?

[FunBobbyMucha]

I'm going to lay this out as free of bias as I can, I'd really like some insight/opinion/support.

I'm 39, and have been friends with B. for about two years. He's 26. We have stuff in common--we kayak together, go to concerts together, watch bad movies together, etc. I'm married and my wife is a notorious homebody, and gleefully kicks me out of the house to go "hang out with B. do some guy stuff." She likes B. as well, has been very protective of him. Our 3-year-old adores him.

Things were cool for a while then he met his nightmare girlfriend, we'll call her Ava. Ava was a cokehead and a drunk, a terrible mother to her daughter, who she regularly pawns off on anyone so she can drink, snort, or fuck. B. details all of this quite bluntly, but little B. is in control here. I've played several rounds of "Lose a pal to Succubus" in my life, and despite Ava being the worst example of Ms. Wrong I've ever seen a friend get hard for, I held my tongue. Even when he would seek my opinion (I barely saw him for the six months they dated, but he would show up whenever they were fighting), I would say something Switzerland like "Well, she's got her faults, but you must see something in her. Whatever you decide about her, I wanna be your friend." When the relationship crashed hard on NYE, he was suddenly omnipresent in my life again, literally hanging out an entire 72 hour weekend "because I can't stand to go back to my empty apartment." My wife and I have a 3-year-old and we live for our weekends, but even she said "Hey, B. needs you right now," and deferred our family life to me being big brotherly to a hurting friend. At his request, I arrange the possessions swap so he doesn't have to see/talk to Ava. For the first two months of 2004 he's been an almost omnipresent figure in our house, lonely and hurting and hungry.

Now, inherent in our friendship all along has been the dynamic that, as the older guy with the family and the house, I make more money than a struggling 20-something, and so invitations to the house for steaks grilled out, pizzas, even some trips out to restaurants, have always been gratis. He's generally never offered to pitch in, moneywise, and we've never asked, except maybe the occasional "Wanna get the tip?" I grew up in a family that took calculators to restaurants, so I never wanted to be that guy, y'know? Despite the fact that some medical bills, etc, have really hurt our family finances and I'm currently working about 60 hours a week to get caught up/ahead. I've made a point of never making an issue about money to B., though even my wife got peeved when he made a sideways promise about helping me move my elderly father and then never showed up ("Totally forgot, dude, had to do my laundry."). My wife at this point muttered to me (B. nowhere around): "Have we not fed him enough?"

So in a work schedule that currently provides me 4 days off a month, I saw a concert coming up that B. and I both wanted to see, and we agreed that we wanted to go. I then asked if he would mind being the DD that night, as I've not drank in 14 months and am overdue a drunken revelrie. B. goes out with his younger friends at least twice weekly, I didn't figure he'd mind missing out on one night. Also, we live a half-mile from each other and the show is downtown. He says sure, absolutely, and when I remind him a few days later, he's still on board.

The day of the show, he turns his never-without-it cell phone off. The time of the show comes and goes, No B., and finally I think to call a mutual friend. She's at a downtown bar with all of Ava's old gang (minus Ava), a group B. has spent the last two months complaining about. He's already drunk himself, and in fact leaves his car downtown and goes home with someone else. The mutual friend quotes him as saying "I'm no fucking chaperone." He nevers shows at the concert. No word from him since Thursday night.

So I'm left really hurting here. I've come to believe there's something inherently doomed about befriending someone so much younger than myself, as invariably their goals and aims are so much different than my own, though I've always wanted to think that like minds/souls can overcome that sort of thing. So am I just friend-repellent? Am I a doormat? I promise I have tried not to slant this.

[ALago1]

1. HIs behavior was inexcusable

His life may be in turmoil and is thus acting out like this.

Has he exhibited behavior like this in the past when his life was fairly stable?

If not, I'd patiently wait for him to come around and withdraw from him for a bit. He most likely will realize the good friend you are and make the effort to come to you.

Just my opinion...

[FunBobbyMucha]

10. I don't know if I've seen his life "fairly stable."

I don't mean that as a dig, either, but he's a 26 year old, new to his chosen career, notorious before and after I met him for meeting, in his words, the wrong girl and going apeshit over her until it ends ugly. He moved apartments while in the relationship with Ava and was literally at his own "new" place long enough to grab a change of clothes before going back to shack up with her. I left a note on his door once that was still there unread five days later. And yes, I did help him move and yes we did use my pickup.

As far as patiently waiting around, I've always felt that if I role-modeled "good friend behaviors" he would pick some of it up by osmosis, though I'm losing faith in that theory.

As I re-read my own post and the replies, I'm beginning to get pissed at myself. Leaning towards "fuck him" now, but again, trying not to be "that guy."

[trumad]

2. I am a cold hearted bastard when it comes to this type of stuff

I've dumped more relationships than you can imagine because of similar type of shit.... Dump him and move on to better more responsible friends...

[Care Bear]

3. You sound like a really good person.

I still believe people can be very close with large age differences between them.

However, this guy isn't treating you with the respect everyone deserves.

There is no evidence that you are either friend-repellant or a doormat...if you halt this now. If you like, show him your post and discuss it with him. If you are able, tell him your feelings.

It seems to me your family needs you and you need some good friends; he doesn't appear to be capable.

[HEyHEY]

4. Fuck him

Seriously man, that chperone remark is a little too much. I've been in tight spots before when I had to depend on friends and such for money, booze, entertainment. But I ALWAYS made it up to them. Any sensible person would. THis guy has not only not done that, he's basically told you he doesn't give a damn about your hospitality.

Be strong and don't be his friend.

[TlalocW]

5. Either

Let him know that he's abusing the relationship and not following through on his promises as a friend should, or next 5 or 6 times he wants to do something, tell him you already made plans since you figured he would be busy doing something else.

[nini]

6. Let him go... he's a user.

User's can be fun to be around sometimes which is part of our problem in putting up with them, but you have to weigh the emotional and financial losses you have endured trying to accomodate this guy as a friend.

He needs to grow up and learn to respect himself and others. Let him loose so he can do that. If he never does then you have saved yourself from more hurt.

Sorry you have to go through this. There's gotta be better guys to hang out with in your area.

[SCDem]

7. Don't let yourself feel guilty for bringing this friendship to a close

Friends come and go, even the best of them. Either you lose track because your interests change or you move or your busy with other parts of your life. New friends will come in and old ones we sometimes just lose touch with.

And your not stupid or a doormat for letting him hang around for this long. Everyone we meet and get to know is for some purpose. But now obviously you are uncomfortable so just break it off and concentrate on another part of your life which will bring you new acquaintances.

[bif]

8. Totally fuck him!

I think a lot of people deep down resent it when you help them Here's a true story to illustrate that. My dad and his brother-in law were very close. Then one day my uncle lost his job. So my dad helped him get another one where he worked for years and years. Their relationship was never the same after that.

I think you should have piped up and made him pay for stuff all along. Just my opinion.

[bearfan454]

9. He fucked you over.

Shitlist for life dude. Sorry, he's out of there. Your wife is way more important than your friend in the end, besides, he fucked you over and talked shit about not being a chaperone. Fuck him.

[FunBobbyMucha]

11. Thanks, folks. Your replies mean a lot. Now,

anybody want this left-over ticket for Jewel?

[bif]

12. Sure. And can I come over for some steaks?

Just kidding.

[Demonaut]

13. Definitely a user, move on and dont look back

He's still trying to find his place in this world and he can only do it by himself

[Demonaut]

15. Jewel, no wonder!

just kidding

[FunBobbyMucha]

18. It's all about earplugs and binoculars, Demonaut,

if you know what I'm saying. Me like boobies (tix were free).

[Demonaut]

19. Me likum too

lol, neanderthal talk

[Rowdyboy]

14. I would forgive....slowly, very slowly, and only after

he had shown he appreciated how severely he had fucked up. At first, my cold shoulder would be freezing but if he makes a serious attempt at atonement, I would BEGIN to forgive. He absolutely MUST show he understands how awful his behavior was and understand that if it ever happens again, he is permanently unwelcome in your home.

No, 13 years is not too much of a gap for you to be friends, but his immaturity could be too big a problem.

Why am I forgiving? Because I screwed up a lot when I was young and can halfway identify with the idiot.

[Blue-Jay]

16. I've always been loyal to a fault to my friends,

regardless of their sometimes bad behaviour. Still, after reading that, I say dump him. Friends like that, you don't need. If he gets his shit together somewhere down the road, maybe you can take another look at reestablishing a relationship.

[Lars39]

17. I got to say up front, your 3 yo needs you worse than this guy or any guy

for that matter. You're working a lot of hours. Your child needs to see more of you. It's easy to get busy with adult things and lose track of how much time you spend with children.

[FunBobbyMucha]

20. Lest it be thought I'm an absent dad,

I spend every waking non-working moment with my little guy. I was the one who stayed home with him when he was born, and I've been Mr. Mom for his 3 1/2 years. Wifey and I struggled for six years and four miscarriages before the miracle monkey arrived, and he will never be taken for granted. Hanging out with B. is my "adult time," generally occurring only after the monkey has gone to bed, or the occasional day when my wife can tell I'm losing my mind and orders me out. I'm very lucky in the wife and son department, but the friend thing needs some new applicants. Does Monster.com have a friend department?

Damn you DU'ers, not a one of you is anywhere near SC or I could suck the lifeforce out of you.

Especially that slackerwink, grrr, grrr...

[SCDem]

23. Hey I live in SC

But I am in Rock Hill and work in Columbia.

[bearfan454]

21. It sure is

I work 60 + hours a week. I miss my time with my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter. She is my angel. She changed everyone's life that knows her. I work midnights too, so I do have to sleep sometimes. Being a grandfather takes a lot.

[MissMillie]

22. I don't think his age has anything to do w/ it

I've known many considerate, responsible 26 year-olds. This just wasn't one of them.

It's quite reasonable for you to feel hurt. You've been treated badly.

I think maybe it's time to let this one go. At some point he'll realize that he gave up a really good friend, but right his learning curve just isn't up to snuff.

Don't contact him. If he contacts you, it would be ok to tell him that you're too busy w/ work and family to accommodate him anymore.