20 things you have to believe to be a Republican:

[Cuban_Liberal]

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

3. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

4. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

5. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

10. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

13. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

14. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

15. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

16. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

17. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

18. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

20. George W. Bush.

:P

[RobertSeattle]

1. Another outstanding list

Might I also suggest:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=104&topic_id=1154532&mesg_id=1154566

And I would add:

21. You are a deficit hawk when a Democrat is President, but quickly excuse deficits when a Republican is President.

22. You beat your chest in regards to getting tough on crime, but shriek like a 3 year old when the IRS gets tough on tax cheats.

23. You wear a flag pin on your suit, two flag bumper stickers on your SUV, and a big American flag in your office, but have no problem with Corporations shirking their taxes by setting up a "corporate headquaters" in the Caymans or outsourcing jobs to keep profits up.

[waterman]

5. Wow, good on both of you. Knocked it outta the park.

I'm saving these!

[waterman]

2. That is so damn good.

Yours or did you find it somewhere.

[RobertSeattle]

4. I think the original was in a gay maazine

(not that there is anything wrong with that)

But is has morphed over time.

[Cuban_Liberal]

7. I got it from my mom in an e-mail a bit ago.

Wish I could claim authorship, but I can't. :)

[lovedems]

3. A little copy and paste is in order to send this out to all my buddies!

That is just too good! Thanks CL! :)

[lovedems]

6. I will add this...

RESUME

George W. Bush
The White House, USA
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

LAW ENFORCEMENT:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for
driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty,
paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for
30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and
is not available.

MILITARY:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I
refused to take a drug test or answer any questions
about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National
Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
I was a cheerleader.


PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland,
Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't
find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt
shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a
sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and our right-wing friends
in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I
was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil
companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the
Union.

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the
most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the
tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any
governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida,
and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I
became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.


ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter
office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing
cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted
the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit
in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies
filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a
12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the
history of the U.S. stock market.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans
lost their jobs.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the
richest of any administration in U.S. history. My
"poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron
oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips
by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for
receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of
my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the
largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History,
Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and
corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S.
Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton
against investigation or prosecution. More time and
money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has been spent investigating one of the
biggest corporate rip-offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S.
history and refused to intervene when corruption
involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S.
history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals
to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration
than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the
largest bureaucracy in the history of the United
States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any
President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the
United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights
Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S.
"prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused
to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United
Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S.
election).

I set the record for least number of press conferences
of any President since the advent of television. I set
the all-time record for most days on vacation in any
one-year period. After taking off the entire month of
August, I presided over the worst security failure in
U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the
World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later
made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the
largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people
worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public
venues (15 million people), shattering the record for
protest against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an
unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military
occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the
will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S.
citizens, and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and
support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops
and their families -- in war time.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our
reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on
our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority
of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest
threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical
Bunker Buster," a WMD.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now
in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for
public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider
trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in
secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my
Vice-President, attended regarding public energy
policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for
public review.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY VOTER YOU KNOW.

[flakey_foont]

8. You, Sir

are a bad, bad man