What if a woman calls you safe? (Take 2)

[TXlib]

Back in college and grad school, it really miffed me when a woman described me to her (female) friends as "safe".

I always understood the term not to mean the opposite of dangerous, but emotionally safe, emasculated; there's no danger of emotional attachment. She introduces you to her friends as "safe", and you are automatically relegated to the "friend zone" with all of them -- when they're dating leather-wearing alcoholics, you are the one on whose shoulder they will cry.

My female friends initially protested that that was not what they meant by safe, but I countered with one observation and one question, which made them silent:

Observation: When the same women were actively seeking to set up a date between a guy and a female friend of theirs, the one word I noticed they did not use was "safe".

Question: When a woman introduces a guy to her female friends as "safe", could she also have said, "He'll be like a brother to you."?

---

So, what do you think it means when a woman introduces a guy to her female friends as "safe"?

On Edit:

I'd like to know the breakdown in votes by man/woman, so please vote in the right area.

[StopTheMorans]

1. you may as well be related to her

n/t

[Sandpiper]

2. There are two types of men

The one she tells her deep, dark secrets to, or the one who actually is her deep, dark secret.

Being called "safe" means that you are the former.

[catmandu57]

4. I love you just like a brother

when all I wanted was to love you like a lover, yeah, I still remember that. It sucked big green ones. Looking back, I would have gotten tired of her pretty quickly, but I still wanted to jump her bones.

[Loonman]

3. So long as she doesn't introduce me to her friends, like that

~

[Heyo]

5. I thnk the best remedy for this situation...

Is to take some of that "safety" away...put some distance, and maybe see a different girl...

hate to sound harsh... but.. it is what it is.

[TXlib]

9. Hey, I'm married now... I solved that problem!

And I don't think KCDem would ever characterise me as "safe"! :evilgrin:

And prior to meeting her, your advice is exactly what I did. As soon as I found myself in the friend zone, I stopped worrying about that woman as a romantic prospect.

[Droopy]

6. I thought that meant you were gay

Meaning you won't have any ulterior motives to your friendship with them like wanting to get into their pants.

[mlawson]

24. That is my take, as well.

And I would know...

[proud patriot]

7. I ended up marrying the Man that I felt the safest with

:hi: Still happily married .

[Burma Jones]

8. It means that she's the Umpire

[populistmom]

10. From me, it would be a compliment

If I told a man he made me feel "safe" or made me feel comfortable, it would mean I trusted him and cared for him. If I trusted him, I could feel free to fully express myself in EVERY possible way. For me, feeling "safe" is necessary to be dangerous myself.
But hey, that's just me. Many women may mean "safe" as in unexciting.

edit: grammar

[TXlib]

30. It's one thing to tell a man he makes you feel safe.

It's another to introduce him to your female friends as "safe".

[Goldberg]

11. Thank God I've never been called "safe."

[Bunny]

12. To me, it's like a good reference.

It means he's a known commodity, if you'll pardon the word. That means he's not a psycho stalker who's going to get all weird on you if things don't work out. It's a good thing.

[ProudGerman]

13. It's not a good thing

A man might as well be neutered to the woman who calls him safe, and all her friends. It's a code word. Once its been given, all the woman's friends know they can go to that man for just about anything, usually emotional support. Then, once the self esteem is patched back together, he's thrown away in favor of new self absorbed asshole.

And what usually goes with being called safe? A near endless supply of relatively non psycho, attractive women constantly bemoaning to you about why they can't find a man just like you.

Safe means treat him like a doormant, he's used to it. Maybe we can make yet another asshole guy.

Bitter? You might say.

[GOPisEvil]

14. Yep, yep...unfortunately this is true way too often.

[Goldberg]

15. Exactly.

Once you're called safe....that's it. You're done for.

Friendship, anyone?

[Bunny]

16. Well, I didn't mean to imply that being safe makes you neutered!

To me, I'd want someone I know to tell me that a prospective date is safe, that I won't be raped and murdered at the end of the evening, that he's emotionally adjusted, and an overall decent prospect. I guess me and my circle must be different, because safe is a good thing to be around us, in fact it's nearly a prerequisite.

And we WILL date you! ;)

[kevinam]

21. if your friends set you up...

with guys they don't describe as safe, does that mean there is a chance you might be raped or murdered by the end of the evening?? Wow, you have interesting friends :) I would tend to agree that being called safe does nearly equate to being neutered. I don't think I have ever been described as safe, yet I have never raped or murdered a woman after a date, well atleast never that has been proven in a court of law. :) I can't think of a similar one for women, maybe cute. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, but most women it seems don't want to be described as "cute"...Kevin.

[southerngirlwriter]

23. Agreed......

An especially safe guy I know, a few years ago, before I quit drinking and started going to church, got a phone call. We asked him to judge a contest.

No more details than that! Must not get deleted!

Go watch the Chris Rock HBO special of 1996 or 1997.

Enough said.

[southerngirlwriter]

22. WOW.

You must be really hurting, dude.

I'm sorry. I don't know what we female types have done to you, but it must've been awful.

Hope you find a nice girl. In the meantime, even though "safe" is a very high compliment among me and ALL my straight female friends, I hereby deem you unsafe!! :)

[kodi]

17. it means that the woman doesn't considered him a threat to rape a woman

that is what my female friends tell me.

[HEyHEY]

18. It means you're a virgin

And will remain one

;-) just kididn

[mlawson]

26. Well, a 50 year old male who is a virgin with women,

would indeed be very safe. But an 18 year old male virgin would be anything but... :-)

[Book Lover]

19. First of all

BIG faux pas that they let the male hear the word "safe." No, no, no, no, no.... never let them hear it.

[put out]

20. Safe is a good thing.

To me, it means the man is emotionally well-adjusted and won't A. declare undying love for you on your second meeting, then B. decide you are a using, worthless, manipulative woman when you try to back things off.

To me, it means that he doesn't have a substance use/abuse problem which will become apparent in a few dates, when the evening starts out with a quick drug run and ends with Mr. Hyde.

To me, it means that he may want to have sex with you, but if you don't want to or want to wait, there will be no pouting or put-downs or "You fucking *****!"

To me, it means that you can trust what he says. If there is something he doesn't want you to know, he just won't say it. He doesn't need to lie.

I could go on. Safe men are wonderful. I wish there were more of them. Women who insist on bad boys (when the woman is past the age of 22 or so) have major problems. Then they find bad boys and make more problems.

Edit: it's pretty early in the evening to be typing so poorly. Hmm.

[southerngirlwriter]

27. I totally concur.

I think the gender split in the poll is telling.

But, a lot of men want 21 year old girls, not adult women, so it would make sense that they resent being called "safe."

:shrug:

[southerngirlwriter]

25. Here's my post from the take 1 thread

To me, the word "safe" -- both when I use it referring to a guy and when I heard a female friend use it in reference to a guy -- means that he's not a predator. You can accept a drink from him without fear that there will be a date-rape drug in it. Should you decide to date or bed him, there won't be videos of it on the internet the next day.
I have....experiences.....in my background that are not all that atypical. They have made me self-defensive enough that I won't go to sleep on an airplane or doze off in a waiting room, and won't sit with my back to the door, or too far from an exit, in a situation where there are lots of men.
When a friend tells me that a guy is "safe," it means two things to me:
1.) I don't have to fear him.
2.) If there are other men around that I do need to fear, he would help me out if it became necessary to fight or flee.
"Emasculated?" Sounds like the opposite to me. A "safe" guy doesn't have to prove he's a man by being dangerous or predatory or otherwise an asshole.
But, that's just one straight girl's experience. :shrug:

[Donkeyboy75]

28. It means she's an umpire

And you just scored.

:eyes:

sorry

[Nihil]

29. Other

I missed the "take 1" thread but voted for "Other" rather than the
first option "responsible ... romantically dud".

I was a little bit concerned at first if introduced as "safe" but
this only happened after me and the future Mrs.Nihil became "an item"
(as they say). In the frank (though slightly sozzled) words of one
of the other girls, it was used to mean "damn tasty but currently
unavailable so might as well enjoy the company in the meantime".

In that group of friends it wasn't a reject slip but a recommendation
that though two-timing wasn't an option, you might still be interested
if the relationship broke down. (Found out this when asking about a
different guy so this wasn't just flattery. :-))

Nihil

PS: And no, it wasn't Mrs.Nihil who was introducing me as "safe" - it
was a mutual friend - so maybe there's a difference in the usage?

[TXlib]

31. The male/female breakdown in the poll is very interesting

But the question I have is whether the results primarily show self-selection bias, or are indicative of any truth to the underlying question.

Clearly the majority of men responding feel that being called "safe" by a woman to her female friends is NOT a ringing endorsement of romantic suitability. My own direct experience is similar to ProudGerman's (See reply #13), as well as is that of many of my male friends; I'm not saying that has been the majority of my social life, but there have been key instances my experiences were exactly as described by ProudGerman.

It's also telling that the overwhelming majority of women disagree with the premise of the poll. Whether this is, again, self-selection bias or something more significant i cannot determine from this poll alone.

I can say that when a woman introduced me to a female friend and wanted to convey that I was not dangerous, and would be a gentleman, AND that I might be a good dating prospect, she would go into more detail than just the one-word "safe".