OK pop psychologists, get in here…

[Blue_Tires]

This is one issue I’ve been pondering in my head, and I don’t really have anyone to talk with about it, so here goes:

All my life, I was never really interested in dating the really, really attractive women (i.e. supermodel/adult film industry types)…Good lefty that I try to be, I’ve always been of the philosophy that looks are only one small dimension of a person’s being; that beauty is fleeting; that it is shallow to just be concerned with looks, not falling victim to society’s definitions of beauty, etc etc… And as a result, I’ve more often than not dated average-looking or girl-next-door types who I though beautiful in different ways.

Until now – Recently for whatever reason, I have been obsessed with the really beautiful types and I cannot understand why…Before someone asks, I am not an oil painting of chiseled granite myself, and could stand to lose a fair amount of weight… I would have thought my views would have been reversed, as in being looks-obsessed in my teens and 20s while being more open-minded in my 30s…Even more disturbing is the fact that when I see them with other guys, I just seethe with hatred and resentment…

I was hoping to get a little feedback other than the standard “you’re fucked in the head” response…When I go on dates, I’m thinking to myself “Yeah, she’s all right, intelligent, warm and we have some things in common, BUT she doesn’t look like that hottie a couple of tables over!”
I’ve been beating myself up mentally trying to figure out the why, since I never used to be this way and it has now permeated all of my thinking… Is it because they have become ‘forbidden fruit’ since I never dated them? Have all the images of movies and popular media finally colored something in my subconscious? Or is it something even deeper and uglier? Maybe there is nothing to it at all, and what I really need is a long rest...

[DebJ]

1. Maybe it is just hormones....

[flvegan]

2. I'm just going to sit back and watch this one for now.

[Droopy]

3. Lay back on the couch and tell me about your childhood

Do you think it might be the nice guy syndrome? Kind of like, "Why is she going out with that asshole when she could have a nice guy like me?"

Or maybe you have hit the middle age crisis a bit prematurely.

[Blue_Tires]

28. that is a small part of it... i've always played the role of the 'nice guy'

it's not like i'd know how to behave any different toward women..

[Haole Girl]

4. This is total pop psychology... but here it goes:

I read somewhere, once, that men can go through a sort of mid-life crisis in their 30's. Instead of 40's (like most women). It's not a common belief, but it made for interesting reading. So, possibly, you might be going through a sort of mid-life. Possibly, you feel you missed out on something earlier in life.

How's that for an untrained opinion! lol

[Blue_Tires]

15. that could be the case...

I know about midlife crises and have noticed some similarities, but a 31-year-old talking about a midlife crisis is more unsettling that what i wrote in the OP

[Haole Girl]

19. Men reach it earlier, the article said...

because - in our society - they are more wired for success at an earlier age.

[DarkTirade]

5. Hate to break it to you...

... but you're human. :) Nobody's perfect.

[Blue_Tires]

18. I was human before this... But why do I feel so strange about it now?

[BrklynLiberal]

6. I vote with the majority here...midlife crisis.

Instead of a sports car, you are craving a hot chick.

[crispini]

7. Ok, remember, you asked for this.

The combination of wanting the hot girl AND the "seething with hatred and resentment" bit is making me think like this: You're in your 30s and you're quite naturally thinking about your life and what you have achieved in it. Now, in our society, two of the most common outward signifiers of success are the hot babe and the hot car. They sort of, in a shorthand way, say to the world, "Here is a man who is successful; he has made money and professional success and is enjoying the fruits of it."

Therefore, my completely bs diagnosis is that you are feeling a lack of success, OR, a lack of recognition of your success in OTHER areas of your life, possibly professional. And, because it's often very hard for us to recognize areas where we really feel major lacks, we disguise them as something else, and so this is coming out as a desire for armcandy and a hatred and resentment of those who have said armcandy.

I'm going down this road specifically because of your hatred and resentment phrase that you use. If you had simply said that you were wanting the hot chicks, I would just be like, "ah, hormones, whatever," but the anger at what other guys have and you don't make me think that it is a deeper issue.

My two cents. /Freud. :D

[Pale Blue Dot]

9. You and I should open a practice together.

:D

[crispini]

10. Snort! We did say sort of the same things, yes?

:hi:

[Blue_Tires]

20. That is much closer to the

line of thought i have been pondering (without getting into too much personal detail about my professional/private life)...But I'm not certain how to reverse this or find a remedy for it...

[crispini]

24. A few thoughts.

Idea 1: Date some really hot chicks. You may find one with all the right qualifications. Or, you may have some spectacular failures, or you may get bored with the idea. Either way, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Idea 2: Continue dating women who you really enjoy being with, personalitywise, and leave the hot chicks for the mental spice-o-rama.

Idea 3: Figure out what criteria you're using for "success," career-wise, and either figure out how to go for it, or how to redefine it.

Try one, try all -- any of them might work. In a nutshell, go for what you want with gusto and/or figure out how to live happily without it. :)

[Blue_Tires]

29. ok...

#1: I've been trying, with zero success...For so long I didn't feel confident or capable enough to approach them, but now I do and still get nowhere...

#2: This is what i've already been doing

#3: I am in the process of slowly re-evaluating my views of wealth, materielism, and success...It has helped clear my head a little...

[Pale Blue Dot]

8. I appreciate the honesty in your post.

Perhaps what you really are struggling with is the fact that the "supermodels" don't find YOU attractive. This isn't a criticism - they don't find me attractive either. What's stuck me about your post is the "seethe with hatred and resentment" statement; because of that, I don't actually think this is about the women at all - I think this is about how you see yourself. You have been dating women who are the female equivalent of you. Now, in your thirties, you're wondering if you've chosen the wrong things to admire about yourself, and are therefore transferring that feeling to the women you're dating.

Figure out who YOU want to be, and then be it. After that, look for the woman of your dreams.

That will be $300. :D

[Blue_Tires]

30. and I also don't think of myself as good looking as i used to be....

[Chan790]

11. (Humming)

:popcorn: I want to see how long it takes for someone to stumble across the right answer. (Currently nobody is on the right track.)

Hint: you're all looking at this from a psych standpoint. Think Biology. It's a known phenomena. (What do the hot women not have in common with the women Blue_Tires usually dates or even desires, but all have in common with each other?)

Hint2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTW8oUV8Aq0 (Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch.)

[Schema Thing]

13. g-spot injections?

[Chan790]

21. No...

well...maybe. It is money well spent IMO.

I'm suggesting that it has nothing to do with the sorts of women he wants to date and typically does date, but the little part of his brain that has been conditioned to associate "really-hot" with extremely-viable carrier of progeny. Until the last 200 years, people lived into their late 30s and 40s. This is the age when the alarm goes off that if you're going to continue the bloodline, you'd best get the ass in gear.

What they have in common is that at no point does he say he wants to spend time with them. this impuse has nothing to do with happiness or contentment or enjoyment. Jealousy when you see a hot potential partner with someone that isn't you...rooted in the reptilian brain. It's competition for the fittest mates.

What makes it funny is all men do this on some level...even the ones that don't want kids. Humankind got to where it is by being a creature of impulse and habit as much as one of intellect.

[Blue_Tires]

27. i understand what you are saying now

granted, i didn't quite understand when you posted that vid...Even though I do not want kids, the biological mating impulse probably does play a role in the way i'm feeling now...But I'm more inclined to think post #7 cuts deeper to the heart -- After reading some of these replies last night, I'm beginning to think these feeling are about something more than wanting to date pretty women, and psychologically i'm acting out in alternative ways...

[XemaSab]

33. I disagree:

"Humankind got to where it is by being a creature of impulse and habit as much as one of intellect."

I think we got WAAAAY further being creatures of impulse and habit.

Take kids for example: it doesn't make any "sense" to have kids. If it made "sense" nobody would have them. But most people do, and they do it more or less mindlessly. Ditto for sex. It doesn't make "sense," but people do it. :shrug:

[Haole Girl]

16. I can't believe I watched that whole video

Now I'll probably have nightmares again.

And, I can't figure out what you are talking about!

[Chan790]

22. Impulse of genetic continuation.

Also, the hard-wiring to compete for what have been the traits of the fittest mates going back to pre-millenia. It doesn't even matter than these traits are no longer meaningful (or that someone doesn't want kids). It's not intellectual.

Attractiveness, prior to modern medicine, was a sign of health. Health made one a good choice for breeding. Nothing more.

[Genevieve]

23. You beat me to it.

The innate, subconscious need to reproduce and pass on our genes is what drives humans to be attracted to each other.....even if we do not consciously WANT to reproduce.
It's all about:
Health
Youth
and
Symmetry.

[johnnie]

12. You want to be with someone hot?

Wow! That's fucked up.

LOL, welcome to life.

[Droopy]

14. The fucked up part is the anger

I like hot chicks, too, but you've seen me, man. I don 't even bother to try! :D Might as well go for the ones who are in my league. I don't have any issues with that.

[johnnie]

25. Oh c'mon dude, all the hot chicks were checking us out that night

Ok, maybe it was you and I was just standing too close.

[begin_within]

17. Get it while you can!

At least that's what all the old men say.

[bridgit]

26. well...what about lollipop psychologists...

we don't get no invite!? :(

[edbermac]

31. Well, I go with mid-life evaluation.

I think the things a person most regrets are not choices they've made, but the ones they didn't make. When you're young you think you're going to live forever. Getting older, people start to 'hear the clock ticking.' As a consequence I think men and women are more interested in expanding their life experiences rather than going through the same old drill.

Don't know if this is any use to you. You might want to check with a therapist to help you focus on what's bothering you. Maybe your job offers 'wellness assistance'; they do at mine.

[Lorien]

32. I've been going through kind of the same thing

makes me feel like a complete idiot, too. I had been like your earlier self for most of my life. Then I got involved with a guy a few years ago who is drop dead gorgeous; kind of a mix of Viggo Mortensen, Jason Lewis and Gabriel Aubry. So handsome, in fact, that I couldn't go anywhere with him without other women and gay men propositioning him right in front of me (which was an awful feeling). The thing is that he's absolutely what I DON'T want in terms of personality. We have a lot of things in common, but he's pretty conservative and when he loses his temper, he's a horror show. I've been doing the online dating thing now and I find that it's hard for me to give the average guys a fair shake. I really DON'T want to go back to having women come on to the guy I'm with every time he's out in public, so it's the really handsome ones that I should be passing over. I'm 43, so maybe it is a midlife crisis thing. I don't know. It was never any kind of issue before so I don't know why it should be one now. I keep wondering if I wouldn't have this problem had I not hooked up with the devastatingly good looking guy in the first place. I'm a professional artist so I am pretty visual, but shallow is something I have never been...until now, apparently. It sucks. :-(

[XemaSab]

34. I got over the hot guy thing a few years ago

Hot guys are jerks. :P

[Blue_Tires]

35. tuesday kick

[La Lioness Priyanka]

36. several different thoughts...

some evolutionary biologists would say you are merely looking to procreate. your chances of procreating are better with younger/healthier women. Good skin, hair and body are things we are attracted to partly because it indicates health. Health in turn makes it more likely that you will be able to procreate

sociologists will argue that the media has been more successful at feed you info that younger and prettier equals better.

psychologists (and this is the direction in which i lean), would argue that as you aging you want something younger/prettier to reclaim your youth and to validate that you are still attractive. also it could be a viable way for you to avoid commitment. as you are looking for women, who are unattainable you are giving yourself less of a chance to develop a committed relationship. it is possible that your fear of relationships and commitment are fueling your desire for women who are not readily available to you.

[Blue_Tires]

43. even though i don't want children,

the biological urge to procreate is probably still inside me....As for the second part, I haven't really been a relationship/commitment-phobe since my college days -- Quite the contrary; it seems the more i look for someone interested in a relationship, the less success i have...

There are other factors in my life which I haven't felt comfortable to share, but I think you are on to something with me wanting something prettier (not necessarily younger) to show i'm still desirable after leaving the all-powerful 17-28 age demographic everyone caters to.

[regularguy]

37. Another angle.

Maybe you're pretty happy being single? I've found that when I'm content (weather in a relationship or not) I'm usually, um, having shallow thoughts about the super sexy women out there. When I'm feeling lonely I notice a lot of other things about the woman I see or come in contact with. I notice a nice smile or warmth, or intelligence, and even (gasp) fantasize about wholesome things! Maybe your "problem" is that you're not lonely. Sounds silly when I put it that way, no?

[Blue_Tires]

42. no...not at all

I'm a miserable single who has absolutely crapped out in the dating market...

[MsTryska]

38. No matter what, it's still the inside that counts...

Sure the packages can be prettier, but if you can't dealw itht heir personalities or they aren't treating you right, there is no point one way or the other.

And I'm int he positions now where i'm torn between one average guy with a great personality that doesn't treat me right, and one complete stud, who is a good guy but a little slow, and does treat me right.

I'm opting for being treated right. And yes the package makes him very compelling, because i'm feeling my mortality too.

[Blue_Tires]

40. i know

remember, up until now, looks didn't even matter to me (relatively speaking)...now they are all i can think about

[MsTryska]

45. Well then maybe you need to experiment

with the beautiful ones. at least that way you'll know you've done it and you can go back to choosing on the content of one's character.

[mnhtnbb]

39. Eye candy on an average guy's arm makes all the other men in the room jealous.

They think, "what does that guy have?" It clearly isn't looks, so is it money? power? It brings
out the competition in other guys. And that makes the guy with the eye candy on his arm the winner.

I think you're looking for recognition, perhaps envy, from other men.

Just my humble opinion.

[Blue_Tires]

41. yeah, i agree that is part of it...

i get jealous over high-dollar exotic cars too.... the difference with that is of course i've always been jealous of fast cars ever since i could drive..

[Maraya1969]

44. I believe all men like hot chicks. Maybe you bullshitted yourself

by trying to be "enlightened" or something back then.

Or maybe you've been hurt by an average looking woman or slighted by a hottie. I had an episode of racism years ago and I felt terrible about it until I realized, (I was the victim of reverse racism and really put through the ringer - I have some serious shit on my record because of it. Anyway I realized that if the people who hurt me had bright red hair I would have the same feelings if I saw people with beright red hair. I freaked at cop cars and could not even watch Judge Judy.

Anyway it was displaces anger and PTSD.

I don't like to look at George Clooney because he looks like my X-husband. I guess my point is people and things remind us, if even subconsciously, of traumas in the past.

My 2 cents......

[Blue_Tires]

46. final thoughts:

First of all, i'd like to thank those who chimed in -- this was kind of a strange topic about myself to bring up...

After some reflection during the week, the 'obsession' isn't as strong as it once was, once i took the time to think calmly about it...I'm in agreement with some others in that my feelings are really a combination of getting a little older and not feeling as attractive combined with my perceived lack of success in my career and life...and of course a resentment of those who do have what i want...

But hey; desire leads to suffering, right? Now that the reasons why have been determined, I've got to figure out how to resolve them...This I can only do on my own:banghead: :)