Damn, do I hate the Big "D."

[Writer]

I get moody, as many of you know, and it's mainly due to bad PMS/PMDD. At least that's what I think. I guess, because Mr. Writer has already done everything he knows to do, I need to request another pick-me-up from all of you, and I apologize for being such a pain-in-the-ass.

I'm completely conscious of how illogical my depression is: right now I feel absolutely hopeless and enervated. I do not have much motivation to "take on the world," sort of speak. If anything, that's because I need to see firm evidence that one day I will be doing somewhat better, doing some type of post-doc job that will challenge me. (I bore easily.) I do not see my future. I don't see how all of this upcoming hard work will translate into a richer, more fulfilling life.

Anyway, enough with my whining. Thanks for listening.

~Writer~

[yellowdogintexas]

1. right there with you, and in the boat.

currently moving through a med change that I am still not settled into but I AM starting to get interested in things.

If you can make yourself walk, or swim or do aerobics or something that might help . I have been trying to exercise more and it seems to be helping a little.

Don't drink, it just adds to the problem

[Writer]

2. Yeah, thanks.

Our house is fairly unsettled, because we've scaled down (size-wise) and have a bit too much stuff.

A walk would be good. There's a trail not too far away.

What are you taking? I take meds, too, although they're light.

[yellowdogintexas]

3. a Welbutrin derivative. It is a generic version and I have to take it 3 x a day

and that is a hard habit to form. Anyway it is a bright teal blue pill, no mixing it up with anything else.

Lexapro made me so sleepy and foggy and dull.

[Writer]

4. I take that, too, but just once a day.

200mg, I believe. The generic is not as effective as the original Wellbutrin. I can feel the difference.

I've never taken Lexapro, but I too Celexa many, many years ago. I gained 15 lbs. in two-three months.

[Guava Jelly]

5. Hey you..

:hug: I'm sorry Writer.
Things will get better for you my friend ,I promise.
:loveya: :pals:

[Writer]

6. I hate to be cynical, but they typically don't.

At least that's what my FEELINGS tell me... my actual life might be going splendidly.

But thanks, m'dear. You're kind to try to cheer me up.

:loveya:

[ThomCat]

7. I am very, very sorry.

I know how draining depression can be. :(

I've gone through periods of depression because of my chronic pain. It was like a weight that also sucks away all my energy and my ability to care. I hate the idea of anyone feeling the way I felt.

:hug:

I really hope your depression passes quicky. If this is a regular, recurring problem then please, please, please mention it to your doctor and see if an antidepressant might help.

[Writer]

8. Thanks. I already take a med.

I'm not sure what else to say, but to say thank you for caring.

[SPKrazy]

9. As I empathize with you

having had battles with the big D for years.

I take more meds and have more therapy than I've had in years.

I still struggle which gives my psychiatrist great fits because she thinks I should be better.

:shrug:

I am better, just not free of it all.

stress doesn't help it either.

[Writer]

10. Stress also induces depression.

I have hit my pareto's curve of optimality on therapy. I've done that for so long...

[Starbucks Anarchist]

11. Hey.

:hug:

[Writer]

15. Thanks for the hug.

That's very kind.

[Shine]

12. Remember: what you're feeling now will pass

:hug: It's easy to make big and negative pronouncements about the state of your life when you're feeling like shit and not very motivated.

Our task when those feelings hit is to not get sucked into the drain of despair and instead step into TRUST and remember that this, too, shall pass and all is well.

In some ways it might even be harder to do that......esp when there is no "evidence" of it.

Keep your intention of having a richer and more fulfilling life and you will create it.......even if you can't see right now how that will unfold.

:hug:

[Writer]

16. You're correct...

it's hard to see outside with a veil over my eyes.

My problem is that I have lost a lot of trust in the world and in people.

Thanks for your encouragement. I'm sure I'll find a way to regain that trust.

[Shine]

19. Just look at your own sig line

:hug:

[lost-in-nj]

13. hey

:hug:

we are here for you to whine....

any time writer


:hi:
lost

[Writer]

17. Thanks for being there.

I've sort of come to the realization that if I don't find a way to feel better on my own, then I will never feel better again.

[Haole Girl]

14. It's darkest before the dawn

Just remember that. Sometimes just a good nights sleep helps. I'm fighting my own demons tonight, Writer. I wish I had more to give you than an old, worn out, cliché. :hug:

[Writer]

18. Bless you for your sensitivity to cliches... but it's the kindness that makes a difference.

Demons... I understand what you mean. I hope that, as we each struggle with our demons, that we can find that way of making it through the night.

I hope you feel better soon.

[vixengrl]

20. I hope this helps--you don't have to feel like you can "take on the world"--

you only need to take on the bits of it that pertain to you, and you can take them on one piece at a time. I get depressed and fatigued from PMS and arthritis, and I have learned over time to just take things in steps, and to appreciate it when things do go my way. Nobody really "sees" their future, but what you have to do is manage your present. The pay-off is understanding that tomorrow will be different, and maybe has new challenges, but you will also be different, and bring your new experiences to the table. You might not be able to forsee what comes, but if you try, you can realize you've been preparing and facing down challenges for a long time. Knowing your strength that way, you can turn your "ennervation" into a plus.

When depression really hits, and you really feel uncertain about things, you might just need to take a breather and focus on yourself-not obsess. Just spend time doing something for you--that long walk, long bath, splurge on a dumb novel or play hooky and see some movie you wanted to see. It's amazing how these little things can build you back up when you're feeling beat down.

I feel where you're coming from, and you are not alone in having those days.

[Writer]

21. That's a good point... only little by little i guess.

i think there's a lot of wisdom to keeping one's expectations low. i really wish i knew what else to write because i pretty much identified with everything you wrote.

thank you

[zippy890]

22. insidious thing about depression

it robs you of just the things you need to fight it. undermines motivation, self esteem. the fucking hopelessness.
all the NEGATIVE emotions rule the brain.

I'm going though a rough time now, too. I'm a cranky depressed bitch.
I cope by directing negative thoughts away as best I can. Feelings can be your worst enemy.

and laughing, humor helps me. movies whatever. and repeating the mantra THINGS ALWAYS GET BETTER.
:hug:


cranky bitch time.

[Writer]

24. It's funny. I sometimes imagine myself as The Bride in Kill Bill when I get this way.

I get complicated, I guess, because anger fuels a lot of how I feel...

I hope that you feel better, too, and that you can rid yourself of the leeching effects of depression and negativity.

It's the next day now, and I do feel marginally better. I'm still angry, though (mostly at myself for getting this way) and wish I wielded a sharp kitana a mean grudge.

:hug:

[hunter]

23. I wonder what it's like to have moods anchored in some reality?

My &*^%$#@*&%*&^% emotional anchor has never hit bottom. Sometimes I grow weary of my changing meds and endless sailing.

Ah well, wherever I go, there I am, and it's always best for me in the times of bad dark moods to gather up whatever memories I might savor when my mind happens to drift into some sunny place.

Some of my favorite memories and accomplishments were built when I was feeling like crap. And some of the crazier psychotic stuff I did as a young man is far enough behind me now that it's sort of funny to me, even though it was quite terrifying at the time, especially upon any rational reflection. Nobody wants to be known for their lunacies.

It's certainly none of that "mind over matter" bullshit, forcing myself to trudge on when I'm in a black mood, it's more like keeping my eyes open during the worst storms, enough that I don't crash and burn, destroy relationships, or quietly slip beneath the waves.

Sorry you are feeling down, Writer. Nobody sees the future. Some people simply follow a personal storyline that happens to coincide with whatever happens.

Even when I'm not happy at the picnic, it's still a picnic! So I take lots of pictures, taste the food, play with the kids, and maybe someday, if not today, it will pop up in my head as a fond memory. And even if it never does, oh well, at least I was there. :crazy:

:hug:

[Writer]

25. It's learning to live with the monkey on your back.

You'll never really be able to get rid of the monkey, but you learn how to work despite its weight.

Over the years, I used an active imagination to assist me through my darkest times. I did, however, keep conscious of the fact that it was my IMAGINATION.

As an adult, I use the strength I've gathered from life experience and education... and also an incredible amount of therapy and some medicine. I've also learned to trust less (not the best thing), more as a means of protection than of hatred. But deep down I fiercely hate some of the people who have lent to my current condition.

[Redbear]

26. I'm right there with you, as well.

I've started exercising daily and that helps.

I really enjoy your great comments on here.

[Writer]

28. Hey, Redbear.

Thanks for that. It's too bad that I can't always be the person I WANT to be, instead of the complaining person coping with pain and struggling with inner demons.

I want to be a level-headed, somewhat affable person with the typical ups and downs. But I don't think that was meant to be.

I'm sorry that you're also hurting, and I hope that you find a way out of the darkness, too.

:hug:

[bertha katzenengel]

27. hey, Writer

:hug:

keep writing about it, if it helps.

[Writer]

29. Thanks. I haven't been journaling as much lately.

I guess I'm missing the interaction, etc., which is why I'm discussing it openly in here and not privately on my computer. My husband and I just moved recently from a nice area where I was fairly locked away from social interaction. It's not a good place for someone who needs change and stimulation. But I'm now living in a place closer to large cities and more culture, and of course I have school in the fall. Hopefully I won't be going through these swings when I'm busy studying.

Thanks for the hug and for listening.

[bertha katzenengel]

31. i'll always listen

been in your shoes, and i go back there from time to time. i'll always listen.

[Burma Jones]

30. Jeez, I thought you meant Dallas

I understand your complaint......and logic has jack shit to do with any of it.

When I get these Depressive episodes, I do more working out, I kind of have to physically beat this Depression out of my system - this is very very difficult to get started, but it works for me eventually

I am assuming you're finishing up a Dissertation. Mine messed mightily with my mind. I gained weight, I lost weight, I got a gout attack, we had another child.....

There's something to be said for slogging on through and trying not to look too far ahead....

Keep the Faith Baby........

[Writer]

32. Actually I haven't even started yet...

my doctoral work, that is.

We just went for a long walk and I do feel a bit better, thanks.

Oddly, I spent a lot of time in Dallas growing up... which can be a depressing place.