Joke time - post yours. I have to tell this one I heard tonight at poker....

[Skip Intro]

Why does Micheal Jackson love twentyfiveyearolds?

Because there's twentyfive of them.

Ok, ok....

A baby seal walks into a club...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. OK! I see how it is...

Here's my joke:

You know Bill Clinton has lost SO much weight!
























Wait for it



































Ready?


























He can now see his intern...:evilgrin:

[Whisp]

2. this is a joke I heard from Uncle Dirty in New York Improv

early 80's
Joe and Mark are walking down the street and see a dog licking his balls, like dogs like to do.
so Joe says to Mark,
o god I wish I could do that
and mark replies:
nah, he'd probably bite you.

[pokerfan]

3. Bill worked in a pickle factory

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[Angleae]

4. Here's one

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete... she is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, I.C.U.

[mcctatas]

5. here ya go...

A man goes into a petshop looking for an unusual pet.

"What have you got?" he asks.

"I've a special today" replies the shopkeeper "a centipede that drinks beer".

The man clearly impressed, buys the beer drinking centipede and takes it home in a little box.

Later on while watching the telly he decides to go to the pub, he turns to the box and says "Oi centipede, I'm going to the pub you want to come?"

There's no answer from the box, the man decides to wait a few minutes then says "Oi centipede, do you fancy a pint?"

Again no answer, the man decides to wait a few minutes more then says "Oi centipede I'm going now".

A little voice from the box says "I heard you the first time, I'm putting on my fucking shoes!

[TheCentepedeShoes]

9. That's funny,

I think. :D

[mcctatas]

14. Maybe we should go for a pint and discuss it....

start putting your shoes on now and I'll pick you up in a week;)

[Skip Intro]

6. ACK! A few hours later I realize, I screwed that joke up.

that's what posting super late at night after a few shots will getcha.

anyway, should be...

Why does Micheal Jackson love twentyfiveyearolds?

Because there are twenty of them.

Works better said than written.

[QueenOfCalifornia]

7. I will be shot for this

What does a Texas girl say after sex?































Well?






wait......










She says:
"Hey Dad, can you pass me my smokes?"

[AnneD]

13. Once again....

you are confusing Texas with Arkansas......


How can you spot an Arkansas Family Tree.....




















wait....











It's shaped like a wreath.

[FloridaJudy]

8. Do you know who the most popular guy

In the nudist camp is?

- The one who can carry two pots of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.


Do you know who the most popular woman is?















































- The one who can eat that last doughnut. :hide:

[Blue-Jay]

10. You screwed up the punchline.

"Because there's twenty of them."

EDIT: Crap. Sorry. You already caught it.

[RedShoes]

11. you actually got that joke wrong....It's "why does Michael Jackson love twenty five year olds"?

Because there's TWENTY of them (five year olds)

edit: crap. everybody already told you this. :) especially the post above this. (sorry)

[sakabatou]

12. OK

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."


I wonder how long until this thread is locked.

[From The Ashes]

15. Ok here goes...

...A guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piano and stool and from his other pocket, a little guy. The little guy sits down at the piano and starts playing up a storm.

The bartender was impressed and asked the guy where he had gotten the piano player. The guy said, 'from my magic genie' So the bartender says, 'do you think your genie will give me a wish?' So the guy gave him a lamp to rub.

The bartender rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. 'What is you wish, oh master?' So the bartender wishes for a million bucks. 'As you wish, master' All of a sudden there's a quacking noise, and ducks start pouring into the bar, and pretty soon they're up to their asses in ducks.

The bartender says, 'Hey fella, I think your genie's a little hard of hearing.'
The guy says, 'No shit, sherlock. Did you think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'

[Bicoastal]

16. Since we're being so un-PC:

A housewife gets an excited call from her husband one afternoon:

"Honey, you'll never guess what just happened--I just won 10 million in the lottery. Get the suitcases down from the attic and start packing!"

The housewife, as you might expect, is giddy:

"What should I pack for? Hawaii? Bermuda? Europe?"

The husband answers:

"I don't really care, as long as you're gone by the time I get home!"

[deucemagnet]

17. I think I see the direction this thread is going.

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer (Jeremy Saxton at 65) in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Jeremy Saxton: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.. "

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? Nooo... "

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo... "

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat..."

[MrCoffee]

18. A woman calls her husband into the bedroom.

"Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!"
"OK" - He does.
"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."
"OK" - He does.
"Now can you take off my panties?" He takes off her panties.
"Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

[Blue-Jay]

19. Two firemen were buttfucking in a smoke-filled room...

The Fire Chief walks in, and in disbelief yells "What in the bloody hell is going on here?!?"

One of the firemen stammered "Well, um..You see, Chief... He was suffering from smoke inhalation."

"SMOKE INHALATION!?" yelled the Chief. "Didn't you try mouth-to-mouth?"

"Sure! How do you think THIS shit got started?"

[Bicoastal]

20. A little cultural insensitivity regarding our European neighbors:

What's the difference between heaven and hell?

Well, in heaven--

all the cooks are French

all the police are British

all the mechanics are German

all the lovers are Italian

and the government is run by the Swiss.

But, in hell--

all the cooks are British

all the police are German

all the mechanics are French

all the lovers are Swiss

and the government is run by the Italians.

[MrCoffee]

21. A guy comes home from work to find his wife waiting with her bags packed

"Just where do you think you're going?", asked the man.

"I'm going to Las Vegas", said the wife, "I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!"

The man says, "Wait a minute!", then runs inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

"Where do you think you're going?", asked the wife.

The man says, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"

[ccharles000]

22. ...

Q: What did 50 cent say to his grandmother who gave him a sweater she had made him?

A: G-U-NIT

[TroglodyteScholar]

23. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

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He wiped his ass!

[pokerfan]

24. Super Bowl

A guy was sitting at the Super Bowl in the very best seat available. The guy on his left noticed there was an empty seat next to him and said, "Can you believe someone actually paid for that seat and didn't come to the game?" The fellow next to him replied, "Actually that's my wife's seat...we bought these tickets months ago. Unfortunately, my wife passed away so I came alone."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member or friend?"

"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

[SalmonChantedEvening]

25. Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replied, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[mdmc]

26. Thanks for the OP and all the jokes

I don't have one, but I sure love reading them.:)

[Whisp]

27. How to drive your wife wild.

The Frenchman says, to make my wife wild I pour dribbles of the finest cognac on her skin and lick it off. This makes her wild with passion

The Italian says he plucks rose petals and spreads them on her body and gentley blows them off - it makes her wild.

The Texan says when he's finished he gets up and wipes his dick on the curtains, and boy does that make my wife wild.


===
this may be delete worthy, i'm not sure.

[krispos42]

34. A Frenchmen, an Italian, and an American were vacationing in the Bahamas

They're sitting at a table drinking coffee, and the subject turns to sex.


"I made love to my wife three times last night!" boasts the Frenchman. "And this morning she gave me a back massage and told me I was the best she'd ever had!"

"Well, I made love to my wife six times last night!" boasts the Italian. "And this morning she hand-fed me chocolate-dipped strawberries, gave me a full-body massage with exotic oils, and said I was the best lover in all of Italy!"

The Frenchman and the Italian then turn to the American, who studiously doesn't say anything. Finally the Italian nudges the Frenchman with his elbow and says "Hey, how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

The American pauses, then says simply "Once."

The Frenchman and Italian snicker at this, and the Frenchman asks "And what did she say to you in the morning?"

The American looks up and says "'Don't stop!'"


:-)

[harmonicon]

28. never mind

[behave]

29. Man goes to Revivilist Meeting for help with his hearing

The Preacher calls the 'sinner' up on the stage
where he commands the devil to leave the
ears of this afflicted child of God.

The Preacher then asks everyone to pray when suddenly
he slaps the man on the forehead which causes him to
fall backward onto the floor.

After he's back on his feet, a little dazed, the Preacher quiets the crowd down and turns to our man and asks, "How's your hearing, now, my son?"

To which the man replied, "I don't know, it's not until Tuesday".

[bumblebee1]

30. I have one

A father and son Red Sox fans are walking around the stadium checking out the merchandise. The son spots a t-shirt that says "Yankees suck." The boy then asks his father if he could have the Yankees suck t-shirt. The father says, "No, and I don't ever want to hear you say that again." The vendor behind the counter says, "You're right. Suck is not a very nice word." The father then replies, "I was talking about Yankees."

My supervisor liked this joke. However, I changed the teams to the Eagles and the Cowboys. He's an Eagles fan.

[moriah]

31. This isn't locked yet???

A man is waiting in a hospital to get a vaccination, and he's very uncomfortable with the idea of being stabbed with a long needle. After a while, the nurse calls him in to receive the injection.

He nervously walks into the office and sits down where the nurse indicated, eyes bulging slightly at what seems to be an array of torture devices on the bench beside him.

As the nurse prepares the needle, he tries to think of the most pleasurable things he can, to try and dull the pain he is expecting.

The nurse turns to him with the filled needle, and noticing his obvious nervously, tries to comfort him with the words, "Don't worry, it'll just be a small prick."

The man jumps up, obviously upset. The nurse looks startled, but before she can say anything, the man yells out, "Just how many people has my wife been talking to?"

[sniffa]

32. 2 muffins are inside a preheated oven

One muffin says to the other, "Whew! Boy, it's hot in here."

The other muffin responds, "EEEEK, A TALKING MUFFIN!!1!!"

Another children's joke.


A cheese vendor in Mexico wakes up to start his day, and starts rolling a huge ball of cheese up the hill to where his farm stand is. After finishing this task he returns to his house to begin rolling the next ball of cheese up the hill. While back at his house, he sees a thief take off with his first ball of cheese. The vendor takes off after the thief screaming, "Hey you, come back! That's nacho cheese! That's nacho cheese!"

[krispos42]

33. This woman who's 6 months pregnant gets in a car crash...

...and is knocked into a coma for four months. One day, she wakes up and discovers, to her astonishment, she's ina hospital and no longer pregnant!

Frantically she pages a nurse, who runs in and asks her how she's feeling.

"Never mind me, what happened to my kids?"

"Oh, they're fine!" says the nurse. "You had a healthy set of twins by c-section a month ago."

"Oh, thank god," says the woman, sinking back into her bed. "Who's taking care of them?"

"Your brother is," replies the nurse.

"Him?" says the woman. "He's not the brightest bulb in the box but at least his wife is pretty good person."

Then a thought occurs to her. "What did I have?"

"Oh," says the nurse, "one of each, a boy and a girl. Your brother had quite a time with naming them!"

"He named them?" asked the mother. "Shit. Okay, what did he name the girl?"

"Denise," replied the nurse.

"Oh, okay. That's good. And the boy?"

"Denephew".

[SKKY]

35. How can you tell if you're at a "Gay Barbeque"???

Cause the hot dogs taste like shit!

[XemaSab]

36. .

So a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big fucker!"

The Priest says, "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" The Fisherman, thinking fast, responds, "I'm sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a fucker fish!"

"Oh, I'm sorry", replied the Priest. "I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop. "Eminence, look at this big fucker!"

"Please Father", said the Bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand", said the Priest. "That's what this fish is called, it's a fucker fish, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"

"Hmmm", said the Bishop. "You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?"

"My lord, what language!", said the Mother Superior.

"No, Sister", said the Bishop. "That's what the fish is called - it's called a fucker fish! Father caught the fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like you to cook it."

"Hmmm", replied Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that fucker tonight." Well, the Pope (would you believe it!) stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the fucker!", said the Priest.

The Bishop doesn't want his limelight stolen - "And I cleaned the fucker!", he says.

The Mother Superior can't be outshone either! "And I cooked the fucker!", said the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, and takes off his hat.
Puts his feet up on the table, brings out a huge cigar and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright".

[moriah]

37. Driving Dreams

Two men talking in the bookies: "What's wrong Charlie? You don't look so good this morning."

"It's the bloody wife: she's keeping me awake at night dreaming of this driving test she's taking next week. Every so often she grabs hold of my willie and moves it around like a gear stick. It's no joke."

"I've got an idea Charlie. Next time she starts, turn her over and stick it up her backside - maybe that will stop her."

The next night, Charlie does as his mate suggests, turns her over and gives her one up the backside.

"$5 of Regular, please." she says.

[moriah]

38. The Chicken and the Egg

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.

The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

[AwakeAtLast]

39. The Popular Mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"