AAAAUGH I hate marriage

[Ellen Forradalom]

Just had to get that off my chest. Who else am I going to tell?

[gmoney]

1. What seems to be the problem?

On another lonely Saturday night, the grass on the married side of the fence tends to look pretty green.

[Ellen Forradalom]

3. It's not an obvious in-your-face thing

like "he beats me" or something. It's more like accumulated resentment and anger. And no sex for a long time. I want out.

[LuLu550]

4. any kids?

Basically, you ask yourself one simple question: Are you better off with or without him?
I left my husband 13 years ago when I had no job and two kids. It has been a hard road, but I think the kids and I are really better off.
Know there are people here you can talk with.
:hug:

[Ellen Forradalom]

6. I don't have a definitive answer for that yet.

I've taken a wait-and-see attitude because of that, but I do get really mad sometimes.

[Habibi]

8. No sex for a long time

why don't couples understand that that is important?
--signed, Yankee who gets it

[LuLu550]

12. No sex means no intimacy

no intimacy means no connection.

[Ellen Forradalom]

14. That's about the size of it

sad to say.

[BiggJawn]

22. No connection means a LOT of resentment.

But so many of these women who've read too many women's magazines or watched too much "Lifetime" think you can have "intimacy" without sex.

Sorry, it doesn't work that way. If you haven't seen me at my grunting sweatiest "best", what makes you think I'm gonna trust you with the stuff I hardly ever mention to myself?

[prolesunited]

24. Why are you assuming

she is at fault for the no sex? Your post certainly implies that. Perhaps she wants sex and he doesn't. Believe it or not, some women actually LIKE sex. In fact, my appetites usually outpace my partner.

[populistmom]

26. Amen prolesunited!

While I can't say in my relationship, there have been quantity differences, there have definately been quality differences. It's most certainly not always the man who wants try new things and spice it up a bit anyway.

[BiggJawn]

29. Did I say that?

She implied that she's willing and he's not. I was presenting my opinion from MY POV, which is uncomfortably similar to hers.

I'm gonna shut up now, I'm in one of those moods. Alum's sweet compared to me tonight.

[prolesunited]

31. It seemed that way to me.

Sorry about that.

You know I didn't mean to make your night worse. :hug:

[bearfan454]

25. Gosh darn right BiggJawn.

.

[BiggJawn]

27. Sounds like we should trade.

My girlfriend likes it less than once a year. I'd like it a little more than once a week.
And then there's that clean-freak and stuff the house full of STUFF thing, too.
Hell, I couldn't move in with her if I HAD to. No place to hang my clothes!

I'm beginning to feel damn glad we haven't gotten married, and I'm really wondering why I haven't kicked her to the curb yet.

[K8-EEE]

30. I'm Kind Of A "Recycler" By Nature....

I have been married for 18 years and I have to say -- sometimes you have to put the brakes on everything else and sort of shine up your relationship (if possible -- my husband is a gem and well worth the trouble.)

By that I mean that you have to clear the clutter and get back to what made you attracted to each other in the first place, which usually means getting out of a rut.

One never-fail method is a weekend getaway -- I know it's hard to work out sometimes but if you can leave the kids at grandmas for a couple of days and get a hotel room, even if it's in town, it's really a tonic when the day to day stuff wears away at the romantic stuff...

[coltman]

2. Hate marriage

Divorce is many times worse

[LuLu550]

5. hi, coltman

Sorry to welcome you in such a somber thread, but welcome to DU in any case!

[coltman]

13. Thanks

sure are alot of terrific people here I think I'm gonna stay.

[Ellen Forradalom]

7. So I've heard

which is why I haven't made any rash moves.

[LuLu550]

10. will he go to counseling?

It is always better to try to fix it unless it is really really broken, as was the case with me...he had a drinking problem, got abusive. I tried to make it work for 10 years, then felt I had to get the kids out of the environment. It was the right thing for me and my kids.

You really need to find out what is best for you. If it can be saved, you should try.

If you just need space, come here and blow off steam! :nuke:

[acmavm]

11. Not by a long shot. The smartest thing I ever did in my life was to get

rid of my ex. I have to work, but I've worked for decades. I have to be very careful of my money, most times I don't have enough. But so help me, I don't regret one second. He was soooo hard to get rid of the court made me divorce him TWICE. I swear to God. He didn't show up for the final hearing on the first one, so he had a lawyer file papers stating I obtained the first one by fraud. The judge was an idiot and afraid that there might be some way he could appeal the judgement, so she nullified it and made me do it again. It was like the movie Ground Hog's Day. And it was all so pointless, same shit came up, same result.

I tell you what, I'd do it a thousand times if I had to. The only bad thing is now he's sponging off his 73 year old mother who has to work in order to pay the bills for both my ex and his 20 year old son. Neither one of them work. Neither one of them wants to work. They think life is one big party. And the poor old woman has high blood pressure and glaucoma, but has to work as a banquet waitress.

[camero]

9. When you're sick

Marriage looks awfully good. But I know also that being in no relationship is better than being in a bad one.

[uberotto]

15. Glad to see I'm not the only one...

The only thing keeping us together is that we can't currently afford a divorce.

We try to pretend that things are getting better, but we both know the truth.

[salinen]

16. Over here in the back

She's in the bedroom with the door shut. I'm in trouble for again asking her to smoke less pot.

[MikeG]

17. Before all of you decide marriage is so bad,

take a trip to your local divorce court and listen to some of the cases. It will sober you up real fast. Suffer any injustice rather than go there.

[Mrs. Venation]

18. You Might Feel Differently If

your spouse was of the same gender. Bertha and I want nothing more than to have our marriage legally recognized. There are a number of reasons for this, including the 1,049 federal benefits and rights identified by the GAO during the Clinton administration.

I am eleven years older than Bertha, and it's reasonable to think I will pass on before she does. As the law currently stands she cannot receive survivor's benefits from my federal employee pension or from Social Security; the government will simply keep the money if I pass away. If I were to (God forbid) die tomorrow, her immediate survivor's benefit from Social Security alone would total almost $2000 per month. That would help her keep our home, and keep her finances afloat. It is simply not fair that she should be excluded from these benefits because she fell in love with, and married, another woman.

Marriage is easily taken for granted when it's easy for you to obtain. It's a different perspective for those of us who are legally barred from marrying our life partner.

[NightTrain]

21. May you and Bertha (and all same-sex couples who wish to do so)...

...be granted the right to marry ASAP!!! :hi:

[Bertha Venation]

33. NightTrain:

:hug: TY

[YellowRubberDuckie]

35. I second Night Train...

It's ridiculous and bigotted that gays can't marry. It makes me gag. And there is no good reason to not let you marry. Good luck, and may someone get their head on straight. Damn Right Wing Fuckers... :hug: to you and BerthaV. It'll happen someday.
Duckie

[populistmom]

19. I understand

I'm trying to not go too much into deeply personal things here because I really don't like making myself so vulnerable, which is how I feel at the moment. Sometimes I complain here because in actuality I feel so frustrated and powerless in reality.
I compromised a lot of my own aspirations to have our children and a few years ago, some issues that I thought were resolved before we ever got together resurfaced and ultimately changed our relationship and my feelings forever. We communicate and can talk to each other, but sometimes when we do, it feels like pulling teeth in all honesty. We have sharp personality differences that I used to brush aside, pretending it didn't bother me, letting him snap at me for no apparent reason, but no more. I'm more than that, I don't deserve it, and I've put my foot down.
I'm going to be done with nursing school in either 2 or 3 years (depending on if I get to start my clinicals this Fall or I get wait-listed which I'll know in a couple months), but right now with my current degree I couldn't make enough to support the household I'd need to have. If things were real bad, I could get help from my attorney dad, garnish his paycheck, and have him off to a studio apartment somewhere, but overall, he's a decent man and a good father and a big part of me will always love him because I understand the pain behind the things I don't approve of. I know if we are to end, it must be done amicably because that's what's best for our children (they all love and need their father and vice versa), so I'm in limbo curently.
The irony is that in the past few months, he's been trying so much more than he ever was. I went out last Saturday for the first time ever on Valentine's Day (we've been together since 1990), but sometimes it feels like too little, too late.
I wish there were easy solutions. All I can say is get the feelings out in the open and deal with it all for what it really is. For too long, I pretended like I was fine when I wasn't. It took opening up to someone else to get me to realize I needed to tell my husband how I really felt. Life is not as easy, but it's real now. I know whatever ultimately happens with us, we both love our children and will both give it our all to continue making them know in their hearts how much we both love them.

[bearfan454]

20. Me and Mrs bearfan argue some times,

but all in all I love being married to her. We have good sex, usually, and we communicate very well. She doesn't have a problem climbing my ass if I fuck up on something. And I do her the same way too. I do a hell of a lot of house work so that isn't too shabby. She hasn't cooked in 11 years. I do the dishes most of the time too. I feel very lucky to have what I have.

[never cry wolf]

23. You are NOT alone

19 1/2 years for the sake of the kids, ain't gonna be much longer. In my case it IS broken beyond fixing, nor would I care to, I just want out.

However, I DO feel that marriage in and of itself is not the problem, it was the choice I made. With the right person, a best friend and soulmate, I sincerely believe it could be bliss.

[NightTrain]

28. I've never been married myself...

...but I'm not going to let the horror stories I've heard close my mind to the possibility. Best I can tell you. :shrug:

[kskiska]

32. Old Woody Allen standup routine:

My wife and I were trying to decide whether to take a trip to Bermuda or get a divorce. We decided on the divorce. We figured a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something that you'll always have.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

34. Sit him down and make him communicate with you...

I believe all problems can be solved one way or another through communication. In my relationship, we make each other communicate, and it works. If it's too hard, and you're not communicating, try communication, and then if that doesn't work, get counselling. Don't just give up without working on it. A marriage is precious and is worth at least trying to save.
Duckie

[put out]

39. Communication. That can be

the sword that cuts two ways. Some things are best left unsaid until and unless one is willing to deal with the consequences. Once written, it cannot be unwrit, you know. Few people leave a marriage la-de-da, and most I know have done it after countless hours of painful effort and a good, hard look at one's own part in the situation. But, it can take years and a lot of courage to communicate that things are wrong, wrong, wrong, and probably are never going to be right.

Maybe that's why people are talking here. Trying to work it out for themselves with the ears of impartial observers.

The ears of observers? I mean an emotionally uninvested audience.

[NC_Nurse]

36. My first marriage ended

after 13 years and I had three kids with him. I spent years dragging him to counseling and workshops trying to make it work, mainly because of my kids. I finally realized I was the only one working on it. I gave up and started living my own life and pretty soon found someone else.
We share custody of our children and he's a much better father than he used to be when he left everything up to me. I have remarried and am LOVING it, a totally different experience from the first marriage. He has just remarried too and I'm glad for him.
The divorce was hard for all of us, but definitely for the best in our case.

IMO, marriage requires both people ready to give their all to make it work. It's a partnership. When that happens, it's wonderful. When that's not the case, it's hell.

[Panda1]

37. Sent you a PM.

Check your box.

[liberalhistorian]

38. Well. given that I've never been married,

I can't say anything one way or the other except that I'm sorry you feel that way!

[Deja Q]

40. AAAAUGH I hate being single!

The lonliness can be agonizing and crushing.

Nobody to talk to, nobody to be with... Nobody to love. Nobody who loves you back... the emptiness and lonliness, eternal and never ceasing.

Don't consider sex as being an advantage for single people, that's best saved for somebody you care about and there are other emotional and biological considerations as well...

Feel better now? I thought so.