Wedding Etiquette: Who's right?

[LynneSin]

My mother and I got into a big argument about a wedding invite I got from a cousin who I barely know anymore. It turns out that my Aunt's 2 kids are both getting married around the same time. Now when we were younger, we kept in touch with this family, but after my dad died we didn't see them as often.

My brother does keep in touch with the Aunt (mother of the 2 getting married) but that's because they're both religious nuts. Me, last time I saw either of them was about 5 years ago at my grandfather's funeral, I spoke maybe 5 minutes with them. I found out the one cousin lived near me in the Philly area and I sent an email to him but never heard back.

Well, I got wedding invites from them. Personally, if I was getting married I would not send invites to someone just because I was related to them if I barely knew them. My mother thinks I owe them some sort of wedding present since they invited me. Me, I think I owe them an RSVP saying I'm not attending and leave it at that. If they were one of my nieces or nephews from my stepfather's family I would do anything for them, but 2 cousins that I saw about 4 times a year between the ages of 9-15 does not constitute a gift from me (nor sure it have been an invite from them).

Who is right my mother (send them a gift) or me.

[Kenneth ken]

1. I'll play

if they're registered somewhere, go ahead and send a small gift. If you don't know where they're registered, just send them regrets, and well-wishes.

[Bunny]

2. You are correct.

An invite is not automatically gift-worthy, especially under the circumstances. For all you know, they may have only invited you cause they were afraid you'd be offended if they didn't!1 :)

You are not obligated to go or send a present, just send back the RSVP with your regrets and leave it at that.

[Raven]

3. If these people were friends and not relatives I would say

that you were right but since they are related, you probably should send a gift. I'd make it a real small one or I'd donate to a charity in the bride's name. Since your mother is concerned about this, I would do this just to keep the peace. :-)

[LynneSin]

7. To me, family doesn't have to have simliar DNA

They are related to me but they are not family. I might run into them once every five years. To someone I consider family, I would probably talk to them every five days.

And on edit note: I have friends that I consider more of family than these 2 cousins.

[rbnyc]

4. I think you are correct.

I would not have invited, nor would I have expected a gift from an estranged family member. You don't pwe them anything.

[LynneSin]

8. Speaking of owing

......but that's another matter.

Any chance you can make it down to Philly on April 24th? Libby has a room with your name on it

[rbnyc]

15. I'm not sure.

We're going to try to go on our honeymoon around that time. It depends on when we decide to go. I have to talk to Cliff, and we have to look at our budget.

That's so sweet of Libby, and you. I'll try to figure it out soon and let you know.

[Alenne]

5. I would not send them a gift

I don't know if that is the proper thing to do but it is what I would do. People go trolling for gifts for graduations and weddings. Relatives who have not tried to contact you in 20 years all of a sudden send you an invitation when they are getting married or their kid is graduating.

[Bertha Venation]

If it were me, I'd RSVP "no thanks," MAYBE send a "congrats" card --

and leave it at that. :shrug:

[JVS]

6. I'd send them a gift, but one I can get for a bargain

For example a set of glasses that are $11.99 for 16 pieces at Target

[TXlib]

9. A wedding invitation is not a gift obligation

If you attend the wedding, you are obligated to bring a gift.

But given that this IS a blood relation, I might get them a token gift off their registry... a set of napkins or something.

But since you haven't seen them in so long, I might not even bother with that... I'd assume they're trolling for gifts.

[displacedtexan]

10. Unfortunately, you are obligated to send a gift.

As tacky as the sudden recognition that you exist is, tradition dictates that you offer a gift to the wedding couple if you receive an invitation.

As difficult as it will be, try not to include snide comments in the gift card.

Since these folks are obviously tasteless, I suggest a pair of small crystal candle sticks: they won't know what to do with them, and you will be celebrated for your class!

[TXlib]

11. I think those etiquette standards are antiquated...

but if the family consensus agrees, I'd get a token gift off their registry.

[Bertha Venation]

12. That's probably where Lynne's mom is coming from.

I say, etiquette, schmetiquette! I believe in real life, not someone's fancy-dancy notion of how many points should be on the Tuesday tea doilies.

[pagerbear]

16. Tradition dictates?

Whose tradition? Nothing is written in stone on these matters. Remember the purpose of etiquette, as Miss Manners writes often, is to make everyone feel comfortable, not to to prescribe a list of do's and don't's.

I myself think an RSVP with regrets is perfectly sufficient. If one feels warmly enough about the couple to be married, or about the institution of marriage itself, one can then send a gift. In no case should a gift be considered the price of admission to a wedding.

[LynneSin]

22. I appreciate what you're saying but when do we stop the tackiness?

I mean, if I send them the gift then I'll just keep the tradition of trolling for gifts going on for generations to come. It's a cycle we need to end now. I am not obligated to amuse their tackiness and if I don't stop the cycle now then I'll probably have dozens of their kids they'll expect presents from me.

And what do I, a 30 something gal who is committed to singledom and no children, get out of this? I don't celebrate birthdays (heck I barely remember to send birthday cards), I'm not getting married and I don't want kids. Am I obligated to them for every blessed event they ever have even though I not only won't have any blessed events but would have never sent them an invite if I did?

It ends now - I'm sending them nothing but best wishes!!

[KCDem]

13. I don't think you should feel obligated at all.

Lots of other people already have written what I would have, but I'm just agreeing for the sake of numbers. :)

They probably only sent you an invite because of their mother, anyways.

Send them a nice card.

[PVnRT]

14. I would send a card

A nice-looking congratulations card, but you do not owe anyone a gift. I have a feeling you got that invitation simply because your cousins' family was telling them to just send them out to everyone.

[Newsman Matt Drudge]

17. Here's what you do

You send along a big big gift, something really huge. Then you rescind it, once you realize that you don't really know these people.

Cover your ass by changing the story when you get called on it, and be like "Oh, I have really good friends with the same name" or something like that.

I hope this helps!

God Bless,
Matt

[Butterflies]

18. I've been in similar situations

and I sent the "no thanks" RSVP, then I sent a small gift with my sister (who wanted to go to the weddings, it happened more than once - I don't like weddings.) Anyway, I never inquired about whether they were registered (I hate those things), and I spent about $20.00 on something practical. You could even regift something you don't want if it really bothers you to have to spend the money!

[Skittles]

19. I would send them gifts

take the high road. They don't have to be really expensive gifts.

[ConcernedCanuk]

20. I think a gift, to anyone, should be from the heart

.
.
. If you don't feel like giving one . .

Don't

A "Congrats" card, and thank you for the invite,

yeah, and maybe a "keep in touch", or "thank you for thinking of me"

But I still wouldn't feel obligated . . .

That's how I'd see it anyways . .

[LynneSin]

21. Ok, I just spent 20 minutes stewing on this one while buying new food dish

for Abbie.

They are not family, they are related and they should have never sent an invite to me. If I give in to what is considered "etiquette" written by some lady 100 years ago, then I can almost guarentee I'll get invites for every baby shower they have (they're young enough and I can guarentee they'll be big time breeders).

I'd rather RSVP no now, skip the gift and that way I'm assured of them never 'trolling for gifts' again. I have never once trolled them for gifts and as a 30 something 'quirkyalone' who chooses not to get married or have kids - this whole 'etiquette' thing spells SCAM. Obviously they've sent invites to every relative they have regardless of whether or not they have any kind of relationship with them. I do not care what these relatives think of me (believe me, some of their parents put my family through hell when my father, their blood uncle/brother, died). They are not family but I'll be curtious enough to send back the RSVP since they paid for the stamp

[Ramsey]

25. That reminds me of a recent SATC episode

Remember the one in which Carrie goes to a party for a friend's kid and they make everyone take off their shoes at the door, and Carrie's Manolo's get stolen? The friend offers to pay for the shoes but balks when she finds out they cost $450. Then Carrie gets totally pissed off as she adds up all the thousands she has spent on this woman for showers/wedding/anniversary/kid's birthdays, etc.

She sends the friend an invitation for her own wedding, to herself, and notes that she is registered at the Manolo Blahnik boutique. The friend takes the hint and coughs up for the replacement pair of shoes!

[LynneSin]

26. I wonder if I could get a pair of Manolo Blaniks if I did that

I have no problem getting gifts for friends I care about (and don't you DARE bring up the bottle of wine, I was pissed only because we all told each other we weren't bringing gifts and my wine kinda ended up as a gift anyways).

[Ramsey]

29. Do they come in size 12??

Ducks!!

Kidding, sweetie. :evilgrin:

[TXlib]

27. And if they send you invites for baby showers

I'd say, send them a Congrats card. If your mom guilts you into getting a present, get one pair of baby socks.

[Ramsey]

23. If you send regrets

You are not obligated to send a gift, unless you want to. Which apparently you do not.

[LynneSin]

24. That seems abour right

$10 says my mom will put my name on the gift she gives them since she ticked at me for not wanting to send anything. I told her not to bother, but I know good ole mom, she'll do it anyways.

[Ramsey]

28. I didn't attend my cousin's weddings

Nor did I send them gifts. They invited me, but I had no intention of attending or spending one dime on them. The truth is that I cannot stand my maternal uncle or his offspring. I wouldn't shed one tear if I did not see any of them ever again. They are provincial, narrow-minded, generally nasty people who sucked my grandmother dry and then tried to do the same to my mom.

That is one of the reasons I got married in the Carribbean, with only 15 close friends and family present. My mom had a party for me later, and she invited them, but they are her brother's kids and it was her party. Only one of the three came. I had to have a brunch with this cousin and her husband and listen to how much they liked Bush (this was the summer before the 2000 election).

[Solly Mack]

30. The only reason to invite relatives you don't speak with is to get a gift

You owe them nothing for simply being invited. RSVP your regrets, wish them well..and let that be the end of it.

[Nevernose]

31. I send these people picture frames.

Really expensive looking ones that I actually buy for $5.99 at some discount store. Keeps the family happy, I don't have to go to the wedding (unless it's nearby and there's an open bar, of course), and I don't look like an asshole. All for under ten bucks or so.

Is "Ross Dress For Less" a national chain? I buy most of my kid's clothes there, and ALL of my picture frames; you would probably be amazed at the sheer quantity of knick-knacks a clothing store can carry.

MORE IMPORTANTLY
These people are your family: even if they're distant, even if you don't communicate, and even if you don't like them. By sharing similar DNA sequences, you are morally obligated to buy them a cheap token gift on their happy occasion.

[LynneSin]

33. These people are my relatives, they are not my family

There is a big difference between the two. But when I reread your full comment, I noted the humor in the gift. Believe me, if I end up getting them anything, I will find those $5.99 picture frams from the Family Dollar store and send them (closest Ross is over an hour away)

[mdmc]

32. Send a regret

And if your mom wants to buy a present for you to give, then let her.