Alone again on Saturday night.

[alarimer]

I don't know if I should be upset or not.

I have been seeing someone for the last two months. Everything is going well so far I think. But for the last 10 days or so his daughter and grandson have been visiting. I have met then and it went well but we have no time alone, if you know what I mean. He promised to call me tonight but hasn't yet. I've been a good sport I think. I KNOW how important it is for them to spend time together but I do feel a little left out. Sooner or later they will leave and things will go back to normal. I shouldn't be too upset I know but somehow I am.

[alarimer]

1. Nearly 11 pm here now.

I guess I won't answer the phone if he does call.

[lizziegrace]

2. I'm sorry...

I'm seeing someone in Ohio who puts family before me all the time. I can't tell you how many times he's bailed on me. It gets old really fast...

[alarimer]

3. I know it's way too soon to be concerned about this

But when someone says they'll do something, I expect them to do it (unless they get hit by a bus or something).

[Zavulon]

4. No, it's not too soon to be concerned at all.

Remember, in the initial stages of dating you always see the best of your partner that you're likely to see, ever. If you're being blown off now, imagine what it'll be like in a half a year or later when you've been taking it like an adult and are fully expected to keep doing so.

We both know you didn't ask for my advice, but here it is anyway: BAIL. Life's too fucking short. What you're seeing right now is a clear set of priorities, and unfortunately you're not on the top of the list. I've seen dozens of such relationships and none of them end well. Move on and find someone who will put you on top of the list, making sure to accept no less than that.

Really, take my word for this. It'll spare you a lot of heartbreak later.

[alarimer]

5. If that's the case then I will quit dating altogether.

I had about given up when this one came along.

[Zavulon]

19. Giving up is not necessary. Taking a break might be, but throwing in the towel entirely isn't.

I don't know anything about you, how many lessons you've taken from the school of hard knocks or whatever, but if you keep trying it generally works. Unfortunately, you'll probably have to suffer several unpleasant asskickings along the way, but that's the way it works.

Don't quit dating altogether, but seriously consider bailing on your current situation. I feel like shit for telling you this, but given what you described I can tell you I'm not wrong. I wish I was, but I'm not.

[Pushed To The Left]

13. It was like that with my last 2 girlfriends. They just wouldn't return calls!

Or they would say they were going to call and then not call. The last one even admitted to me that she wouldn't even listen to voice messages that I left her because she knew we would talk eventually. Both of these women ended up dumping me via e-mail.

[SPKrazy]

35. wow

thats wild

hmmmmm bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvb

[SPKrazy]

6. Hey I'm alone

I'm tired of it frankly

I'm gonna do something about it

:hug:

[The Straight Story]

7. You?

And here I saw you as the playboy of the lounge.

Hope someone good comes your way soon.

[SPKrazy]

22. LOL yeah, that's me

playboy of the lounge

living in his pre-divorce 1 bedroom awaiting divorce so that he might actually have enough money to afford to buy someplace again.

It's been hard to be a playboy when I've been feeling so many emotions with this. Maybe soon I'll let it all go in a direction and go totally wild.

:hi:

[The Straight Story]

27. Well, i think you will do just fine - my wife and I both think you are pretty cool

A guy like you should not have too much trouble finding someone.

I mean - look at me. An overweight computer geek with a wonderful and pretty wife, and she can cook amazing meals and we can talk all night long about a ton of subjects.

Seriously - I am no big catch and I have an amazing spouse. And you are a pretty amazing person. If my wife was not with me she would probably PM you (and, uh, I hope she hasn't already...).

Don't go kicking yourself. I have been there before my friend, and it sucks. Try to see the best things about yourself and realize that others will see those same things.

You are cool and fun here, a guy with intelligence and a sense of humor. You won't be alone long, just don't jump at the first thing that comes your way - have faith in yourself.

I have a ton more to say on this, but will shut up for now - don't want to hijack the thread :)

[SPKrazy]

29. thanks for that

your wife is mighty hot but no she hasn't pm'd me yet :D

thanks

:pals:

[alarimer]

8. Good for you.

I should have too, instead of waiting for the phone to ring.

[orleans]

11. you know, that would piss me off too. when someone says they'll do something

and they don't.

unless...he's gonna split hairs over the whole thing like
"i said i'd call and i did...even tho it was midnight or one in the morning. you didn't tell me i had to call before ten"

whatever.

it would piss me off. too busy or having too much fun to think about me or keep your word to me? fuck off.

that's my attitude. at least for tonight.

[SPKrazy]

23. don't wait for the phone to ring

that's a control thing

do what you want to do

live your life

if he fits in, then he'll deal with it.

concessions, sure if they are worth it to you.

wating by the phone, no

[alarimer]

26. That's absolutely true

I have a bad habit of waiting by the phone. But the fact is that I really had no where else to go and nothing much to do. And I just feel let down.

[Breeze54]

16. I'm planning the same thing soon!

:P

I've been 'looking' but I'm not ready yet.

Good luck in your hunt for an SO! :hi:

[SPKrazy]

25. Thanks

did I say SO?

:rofl:

might just be looking for, you know :evilgrin:

[Breeze54]

33. LOL... I hear you!

But it would be significant to me! :rofl:

So, 'SO' would fit, considering the alternatives.... No SO.

[SPKrazy]

34. yeah

here too

[Contrary1]

9. It looks like your quality alone time is going to be non-existent

until they leave. Why not call him tomorrow, and invite all of them over for dinner? Rent a movie, and let the his daughter and grandson get to know you.

At least, you will be able to spend some time with him. It most likely won't be the last time they come for a visit, and you don't want to be left out.

[alarimer]

10. My place isn't really set up for guests.

There is way too much for a little kid (actually about 11 months) to get into here. Not to mention it's a mess.

Friday I tried to get him to come over here but he preferred Battlestar Galactica. :eyes: Or maybe my hints were not strong enough.

[The Straight Story]

12. I know that can all be hard on you my friend

When I met my wife she was in competition (if you will) with my kids (3 young boys) and my X girlfriend who was pregnant with my daughter.

My kids were a top priority as they were not in control of their lives, or the time we were able to spend together (which ended up being zero after my wife and I moved 2000 miles so I could be near them...)

Parents will almost always put their kids first, it is hard not too.

And YES it is hard and one can (and should) easily understand why someone (like you in this case) feels left out. In my case I ended up losing my kids, and it hurt me for many many years.

Love is not always easy and can mean a lot of sacrifice over the years as things change. Now I live in CA where my wife's family is, and friends. I know no one here, feel disconnected, and it can be hard for me at times. Add to that how sick she gets with the Parkinson's, job situations, etc, and it can be really hard for us.

But in the end we have been together 10 years and love each other more now than when we met. We toughed it out together because in our hearts we believe we were meant to be together.

She put up with my baggage, and I have put up with hers - because in the end our love was stronger than all the other things put together.

I don't have any smart answers for you - but if you love this person I can say that things will get better.

I have a LOT of poems from those early days about it all, and if you get really bored I could post em for you :) they tell a lot about what I/We went through.

[alarimer]

14. Well obviously I will have to have a discussion with him about this.

I do not mind that he wants to spend time with his family. In fact I encourage it. But is it so very hard to make just a little time one night for me? He keeps saying he will but it never actually happens. Is this going to happen every time one of his kids comes to town? I visit my parents and don't spend nearly as much time with them when I do. They never even take time off from work!

I just think this does not bode well for the future, if we are to have one. And it upsets me because it is so hard to find someone and I have been so alone for so long.

[Breeze54]

18. Screw it! Just drive over there in the AM and bring coffee and bagels!

;)

Be upbeat and friendly! See what happens. ;)

Be daring, you said it took you awhile to meet someone, so maybe it's time you send him a message!

[The Straight Story]

21. my advice (if I may)

Talk to him about how you feel, and listen to him back about he feels.

Relationships are about compromise and communication. And one of the big things within all that is trying to see things from the others' point of view.

Often times (and, yeah - I am guilty of this....) is that we try to compete with each other in relationships over who needs more from the other because of x/y/z.

I was caught up in a lot myself - losing my kids, then X wife dying and finding my kids after 8 years, mom dying and about 8 other close family/friends all within a 2 year stretch, and so on. At times I was so caught up in my own hell I didn't see my wife's. And vice versa.

Let him know again that you really do understand and that you want him to be happy, but that you also want to be happy and a part of his life - and that you want to feel (and need to) important to him.

My wife put up with the hell I have went through, and I did the same for her. But we did it because we talked about it all A LOT. Sometimes those talks were fights :) but in the end we got it all out and came to respect what we were both going through.

NOT easy - but worth it. She is the love of my life, and I am hers as well. Through the storms of our lives we have held each other, we both however sometimes tried to take the umbrella.

Now we have a big one we both fit under :)

[alarimer]

24. That sound like good advice

I am glad things have worked out for you.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

15. You can come hang with me.

Although I do have a woman at my side, she's curled up sound asleep on the arm of my chair with one paw on my leg.

I'll be nice! :toast:

[Breeze54]

17. Why doesn't he want his daughter to know about your relationship?

Have you ever met her? Maybe you should discuss this with him.

Is he divorced? Is she the jealous type daughter?

Daddy's little girl type or does HE think she'd be upset about it?

He needs to know that he's allowed to be happy, in spite of his children.

If I were you, I'd have a discussion about that over coffee in a casual way.

[alarimer]

20. I've met her.

And we were all out together today at a museum. Had a very nice time.

My issue is about the fact that he keeps saying he will find some time for us to be alone together but somehow it never happens. He said he would call me tonight but he didn't. I mean, she's a grownup, surely she can entertain herself for a couple hours one evening?

Friday night he blew me off for Battlestar Galactica. Well I guess I only hinted around that I wanted him to come over; I didn't come right out and say it.

[Breeze54]

28. Your OP made it sound like it had been ten days since you saw him but

you saw him this morning!! :rofl:

maybe you're the spoiled one! :P

Hell; did you stick your tongue in his ear before you left his place?

If you had, I'm guessing he's have been knocking on your door pretty quick after you left! :P

[alarimer]

30. I knew I forgot something!

Well we were in public.

It has been 10 days since we had any "alone time" if you know what I mean. But it isn't that really either; he just keeps saying he'll do things (like call me or come over) and then never does it.

[Breeze54]

31. Who cares if you were in public?

You only live once! Go for the gusto!! ;) Throw off those bonds of decency and get sexy!!

Show a little cleavage and give him a reason to want to come over more often. ;)

It's always about sex, don't kid yourself.

[The Straight Story]

32. I can understand how that makes you feel

Like you are less important to him than a lot of other things.

And that has to hurt. Especially when it may seem like he needs you less than you need him (ie, he has a lot of things in his life that bring him joy, and you feel low on that list - then he re-enforces that feeling by not even freaking calling you).

You ARE worth at least a phone call, even if he is calling to say he cannot make it over.

And you are worth some alone time, and he needs to try and understand your perspective on that.

That does NOT mean he is a bad guy, he just may not really understand what it means to you. People tend to get caught up in other things. And sometimes they ignore the ones they love the most as they just expect them to understand.

Communication without anger or condemning someone can help a ton (often we communicate and people get defensive as they feel attacked).

Get him out somewhere and tell him how it makes you feel, how he makes you feel, and let him know what he means to YOU - and wait and see what he says about what YOU mean to him.

Just my 2 cents (I don't know you or this situation well enough, so take my ramblings with a grain of salt....or rum).

[alarimer]

36. That makes a lot of sense.

I have to try and not make too big a deal out of it, though. I realize this morning that I probably blew it out of proportion last night, feeling a little sorry for myself. But I will bring it up in conversation if I talk to him today. And I think it is mostly a matter of him getting caught up in other things and not anything willful on his part. Or at least I will try and look at it that way.

[The Straight Story]

38. Let us know how it goes (if ya want)

Just want to see things look up for you. And I don't think it was blowing out of proportion - you felt the way you did and it bothered/hurt you, and it helps to discuss that.

Maybe you feel better about it today, but you didn't last night. And it helps to talk to others. Trust me, I talk a lot about my issues here - mainly because I like the input I get from others and it is nice to have someone to blow steam off to.

[Faygo Kid]

37. Instincts are, unfortunately, normally right in this situation.

I know. Just got the word this morning that it's "over" after 13 years, and have been asked to move out. Kind of felt it coming since Christmas; she says it's been six months.

Been through it before; first marriage ended after 18 years. I saw that one coming, too. Tried both times to work through it, but neither wanted to try. At 56, I will never put myself through this shit again.

Anyway, think I will go drink some wine and watch the Masters in the basement. Bottom line is, if you suspect something is wrong - something IS wrong.