For chili lovers only........(got this in email recently...you will LYAO)

[karlschneider]

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment,
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event.

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy!

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick! Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Sam's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[davsand]

1. I sent this to my buddy down in Texas.

I think I can hear him laughing all the way up here in Illinois!

Laura

[The Lone Liberal]

2. LMAO --- That is too damn funny. LOL

Lordy, you need to copywrite that one. LOL

[RC]

3. Copyright?

He can't. That joke has been around longer than I have.

[SOteric]

5. For sure.

I read it in a usenet forum at least three years ago, - And I think it's already got a copyright. It was part of some legitimate newspaper column on local Chili contests.

[The Lone Liberal]

4. Kick this is too funny

to let slide away.

[greatauntoftriplets]

6. Except they would have the fire department out for me...

...long before they did for poor old Frank!