This is hard for me...but I've been a bit out of it lately

[Khephra]

I'm not going to go into specifics....

I hope some of you can read between the lines....

I had, pretty much, a nervous breakdown over the last two months.

I did a lot of things I didn't think I'd do again.

I screwed up my life BAD.

But that was also because my life had gone BAD.

Everything in my life had gone bad.

EVERYTHING.

It started with the flooding of my home and didn't let up.

Oh, did I say my house was flooded twice?

My Mom also going though a midlife crisis...or whatever you want to call it.

Somewhere along the lines, I got given responsibilities that I didn't wasn't or ask for...

and...
after a few months I started to crack.

I once found my Savior in life in being in politics, but I could'nt deal with it anymore.

I started hating both fucking sides.

I still don't see much difference between D or R. They seem to vote for it all.

I'm ABB, but after this...I'm not sure.

Idealism and politics don't mix, I guess.

BUT....

I see the tide turing finally.

I think we have a chance.

People are waking up.

There will be a new day.

I'm sure the Democratic candidate can win. The energy is just too much against Bush. We Won't lose.

I really feel that for onne.

So....

I'm Back in the fight. I'm sorry to have hurt some of you during my time of pain. It's over now. I'm like Rocky now and ready for the next round, even though I've had my head pounded in.

But...

I'm Back.
SAL/KEF

[RandomKoolzip]

1. Welcome back.

Nervous breakdowns are a bee-yotch. I'm glad I play an instrument to channel the anxieties and nervous whirlwinds I have in me....I hope you have a similar outlet outside of politics.

[Skittles]

2. Kef, you know you can open up to us

you don't have to wait until it overflows. I'm glad you are back; DU would not be the same without you.

[lpbk2713]

3. Good for you. You have fought your way back.

It looks like there really is a light at the end of the tunnel ..... :thumbsup:

[lcordero]

4. I hope that things get better for you

:hi:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

5. Lines read between noted

You are still one of the greatest souls to ever grace the pages of this board and you have my love and respect.

[Rick Myers]

6. We've got a chance to save Amerika

There is NO defeat in getting knocked down. The DEFEAT comes by not getting back up!

This is as significant as the Civil (ack!) War, the Robber Barons or the Wall Street money masters of the late 20's!!!

We need an FDR! We need a JFK!!!!!

We're doing a Rock the Vote on March 1st (night before our Ohio Primary) with Dennis Kucinich! We believe Dennis WILL be the NEXT governor of Ohio! Chulu willin' and the creeks don't rise...

Read a book that has NOTHING to do with politics. Listen to some music you haven't heard for years... Journal...

I was diagnosed bipolar 14 years ago. It took 4-5 years to balance out a med, but since then I've been A-Okay 95% of the time. Just my confession...

You are a great guy, and one of the 'souls' of DU! Take pride in what you've done over the past months. You HAVE made a difference...

[Lydia Leftcoast]

7. You're one of the best

Sorry about all your troubles, but I'm glad your back!

[SoCalDem]

8. hi...we're here for you

[Fridays Child]

9. Hugs to you, kef. Don't stop trying, but remember that...

...fuckups are allowed. Things hurt and it's difficult to stay tough. It's okay, though. We know you're human, and a lot of us admire you tremendously.

And hugs to your mom, too. I think she and I are going through the same thing.

[woofless]

10. Welcome back Kef, you were missed.

I wondered why I wasn't seeing your posts. Hang in there dude. Shit gets deep sometimes. Take it from me, if you just keep steppin' eventually you will step out of it. You don't know me but I am an old fart with a lot of experience and empathy. PM anytime and if I can help I will try. If I can't I'll tell you so. Every day you wake up suckin' air is a good day. Just hard to see it sometimes.

Woof

[Indiana_Dem]

11. I'm glad you're feeling better....

after watching NOW tonight I feel like there's no hope for our future......I think I need help now. With our tax system the way it is I don't think we'll ever win with a Democrat or Repub. All of this will affect my future. I used to think getting my degree and having a skill would save me from living the life of welfare and low self-esteem like I had to endure as a child. Now I'm seeing this isn't even the answer. There is no politician who's even talked about reforming the tax system. This "stealth" tax that is coming in future years (initiated in the 1960s) will kill us. It's just sickening. I'm sorry to bring everyone down but I'm feeling so bad and hopeless. another problem is my husband also is without a job now and 56 with nothing but factory experience and no factory jobs to be found without 1000 people applying by his side as competition. We have a 16year-old who needs to go to college in 2-1/2 years with no money saved for such a thing and haven't been able to save any money for retirement yet. I'm only 39 and have time but my husband has never been able to. He is a Vietnam vet and has lost 2 jobs since then, both due to factory closings. I thought my education and by becoming a nurse I could get us up out of the hole but things don't look so great. I've done what I can but it's all I can do. There's no way we can save any money right now! Thanks for letting me rant. I just feel hopeless.....


oh yeah did I tell you my house flooded this year, too? Two weeks after that I was in 2 consecutive wrecks with one totaling my car. Now I think I'm back to being agoraphobic and won't travel unless necessary.

Oh yeah this past year my dad was diagnosed with Colon cancer and lives in Los Angeles (I live in Indiana), my aunt had breast cancer, and my father-in-law has prostate cancer, my sister-in-law fell and broke her knee, my mother suffers residual from a cerebral hemorrhage she had 2 years ago and is not the same person anymore, and the list in my family goes on and on... sorry but I just need to share.

[thebigidea]

12. ah ha! Well, I look forward to the relentless barrage of khephratic energy

[GoddessOfGuinness]

13. I'm glad you're back!

:hug:

[Khephra]

14. Theree's a lot a could say....

lets just say my future acts will show

and thank you to everyone

[JCMach1]

15. Good to have you back Keph...

:)

[Khephra]

16. Right Now

Right Now

I'm feeling mean today
Not lost, not blown away
Just irritated and quite hated
till control breaks down
Why's everything so tame
I like my life insane
I'm fabricating and defeating you
I'm gunna kick around

Right now
Can't find a way
to get across the hate
When I see you

Right Now
I'm feeling strange inside
I want to search and feel you

Right Now
I rip apart the things inside
that live beside you

Right Now
I can't control myself
But I fucking hate you!

I'm feeling cold today
Not hurt just fucked away
I'm devastated and frustrated
God I feel so bound
So why I'd feel the need
I think it's time to bleed
I'm gunna cut myself and
Watch the blood hit the ground

Right now
Can't find a way
to get across the hate
When I see you

Right Now
I'm feeling strange inside
I want to search and feel you

Right Now
I rip apart the things inside
that live beside you

Right Now
I can't control myself
But I fucking hate you!

You open your mouth again
I swear I'm gunna break it
You Open your mouth again,
By god I cannot take it

Shutup, shutup, shutup, or I'll fuck you up
Shutup, shutup, shutup, or I'll fuck you up
Shutup, shutup, shutup, or I'll fuck you up
Shutup, shutup, shutup, or I'll fuck you up
Shutup, shutup, shutup, or I'll fuck you up
Shutup, shutup, shutup, or I'll fuck you up

Right now
Can't find a way
to get across the hate
When I see you

Right Now
I'm feeling strange inside
I want to search and feel you

Right Now
I rip apart the things inside
that live beside you

Right Now
I can't control myself
But I fucking hate you!

I fuckin' hate you
I fuckin' hate you
I fuckin' hate you
I fuckin' hate you
I fuckin' hate you
I fuckin' hate you
I fuckin' hate you
I fuckin' hate you

[hippiechick]

35. KORN !

They've helped me thru alotta low days, too.

:pals:

[DemBones DemBones]

17. Sorry for your time of pain, and glad

you're back.

Good News: Nobody caught up to your post count while you were away!

At least, I'm betting they didn't. :7


"Every affliction has its own rich lesson to teach, if we would learn it."
-- Gandhi




Take good care of yourself.

[Coventina]

18. So glad

:hug:

[Tigerlily]

19. Hi Khephra

I did not know you were having a difficult time as I have not been here very much. I completely agree that Idealism and Politics do not mix easily. Many vacations have been necessary for me. I'm glad you are doing better. Take care of yourself and I hope you will do what is best for you (not easy for an idealist) :hi: :loveya:

[Enraged_Ape]

20. Hang in there, buddy. I know just how you feel.

For the last year, I've been fighting terrible depression, gained about 50 pounds, and even had a couple of shocking episodes where suicide seemed like a perfectly rational way to handle all of my problems. I'm coming out of it now, just taking things one day at a time, slowly but surely, counting whatever blessings I have, and trying to get back into some sort of physical, mental, and spiritual shape. It's a long, slow process, but I am helped by something I read long ago in the L.A. Times about Dick York. Yes, that Dick York.

In Dick York's final years, he was destitute, lived in a ramshackle trailer, and spent every minute of the day breathing from an oxygen cannula due to emphysema. He had not the strength nor wind to walk away from his chair. Years of addiction to pain medications following a crippling back injury sustained pre-Bewitched (and which resulted in him losing his job on that show) had long ago ruined him, physically and financially.

And yet, in his final years, Dick York spent long hours on the phone every day, day after day, talking to food companies, trucking companies, textile manufacturers, warehouses, and homeless shelters in order to organize a network of volunteers to provide relief to the homeless. He did this at first with his own meager Social Security funds, then with the help of donations from his fans.

In his final months, a reporter from the L.A. Times interviewed him and asked him, in the face of all his difficulties, what kept him going?

He said it was something he once read, believe it or not, in a Tarzan book.

Tarzan had been captured by some jungle cultists. He was stripped naked and bound to an altar by his hands and feet. Hundreds of cultists gathered around while the High Priest raised a dagger above Tarzan's chest and prepared to plunge it in.

And Tarzan started laughing.

The High Priest was stunned. An enormous exhalation of amazement rose from the cultists. "Tarzan," said the High Priest, "before I kill you, please tell me why it is you laugh."

Tarzan said, "Because I'm alive."

Small comfort sometimes, perhaps. But you wouldn't believe how just thinking about that has helped me out so many times.

[newyawker99]

21. Good to see you Kef!

I am sorry about your troubles but I am glad that you have survived and you have come back to us. This board is not the same without you.

I hope you and MommaKef are ok now and I am sending positive thoughts to both of you.


:loveya:

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

22. I'll be glad to see your posts again too

Here is my favorite quote in the whole world, from Winston Churchill: "Success is going from one failure to another without loss of enthusiasm." Although, he had it easier in a way, fighting publicly acclaimed battles. There aren't that many people that look below the surface of things, but the people that know you here can admire the strength it takes to fight the below-the-surface battles.

[hippiechick]

23. Up or down, Bro - I love ya

I'm here if you need me. Always.


:loveya: :pals:


:hippie:

[BiggJawn]

24. Welcome back!

Smack them demons REAL good!

[WilliamPitt]

25. This is good, good news.

Check your PM.

[WillParkinson]

26. Welcome home...

It's damn nice to see you!

[Raven]

27. We all love you Kef!

DU wouldn't be the same without you. :-)

[Ilsa]

28. Hang in there. I'm really sorry

you've been in so much pain. Life takes a lot of courage, doesn't it?

(It's been a really sucky week all around, huh?)

[Insider]

29. beautiful

and happy valentine's day, Mr. DU 2004

[molly]

30. I met you right after I joined DU - you gave me a hug

here's one back at you! :hug:

[DU GrovelBot]

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[silverlib]

32. from someone who always loves you posts

Welcome back!

For some reason, your posts always make me wonder what is going through your mind. They are full of, gee, I want to say oxymorons, but I don't think that is the word that applies. They are seomtimes inspiring and sometimes mischievous, which is what I like about them.

I'm glad you are leaving your "valley" and once again treading "up the hill." May your journey up be profound and peaceful. You can never climb a hill unless you enter the valley.

[Khephra]

33. You all have been so kind

I'm crying over here...

:loveya: all

[VelmaD]

34. Glad to have you back...

and in fighting form. :hug:

[Whitacre D_WI]

36. I'm glad you're back on the right track, Kef.

Fight the good fight, brother.

[bicentennial_baby]

37. Valentine's Day love for my friend Kheph

Oh Scott, big hugs for you! :hug: :loveya: :hug: :loveya: :hug:

[supernova]

38. ((((Khephra))))

How can you know the light if you never experience the darkness? There are things to be learned from both experiences if we can discern them. And I know you can.

Glad you are feeling better again. :hug: :pals:

[Flaxbee]

39. I'm glad you're back!

Everyone needs to retreat sometimes, to lick wounds or reassess life or direction...to paraphrase, an unexamined and untested life isn't worth living.

Anyway, the important thing is to come back, and we're all so glad you did, khephra. Without you, I'd have no idea what was going on in the science fiction world; where would I get all those interesting stories with which to impress my husband, who is a sci-fi devotee?

But of course, you're valuable for much more than your science fiction knowledge - ;-) - you're valuable just as you are.

It is depressing to realize that while the ideas and beliefs of the democrats and republicans are vastly different, those who claim to practice democratic politics all too often sacrifice their ideas/beliefs once power beckons. The best place to find true kindness and hope for humanity is in places like DU, or soup kitchens, or humane societies or peace rallies where people are actually helping and listening rather than making deals to benefit their own sorry selves.

[legin]

40. Hi khephra

Maybe the human body and mind is happiest trundling along at 75% capacity.

Politics, especially when there are big issues at stake, tends to cause one to run at 100-110 % capacity all the time, which then catches up with one later down the line.

Maybe we should be upfront about this and say that there are certain pitfalls to what we are doing and then list them so that we all don't have to make the same mistakes.

I'll chuck in one: Being so interested in what is happening politically that I let other things in my life slide or didn't pay enough attention to them, with disastrous consequences.

[legin]

41. The problem is

there are things you can do when you are running at 110% capacity, when that fire is burning inside you, that you can't do running at 75%.

It's like when you play sport, you get out on the pitch, the adrenalin starts pumping, and you are in 'the zone'.

But a sporting match usually lasts 80-90 minutes tops, not 2 or 3 years.

[legin]

42. Although

whatever is happening to us, is also happening to bush* and his merry band of arseholes, because they are living in the hurricane too.

[davsand]

43. Glad you are back.

I'd wondered what was up with you based a few of the things I'd seen you put up in here. Gawd, this is some rough shit--this business of living.

I want to remind you of something that has taken me a long time to come to grips with: I've made mistakes, and the number of fingers pointing at me was always increased by one more than there should have been--my own.

Let it go, darlin. Just let it go and resolve not to repeat whatever mistake it was this time that led to the problems. Seems like looking back at it now, my biggest mistakes were when I didn't seek support and tried to carry it all on my own. (I have to wonder if that is part of what you face as well.) However, I can't change what I did--I can only resolve not to make that same mistake over again and then learn to forgive myself for being a frail human.

There is way more love for all of us than we realize sometimes. We can increase that love by loving ourselves...

I do love you.

Laura

[David Zephyr]

44. Hi Khephra

:hi:

[5thGenDemocrat]

45. There are none so screwed up that they cannot come to my party

Hang in there, buddy. It is now 125 days, 19 hours and 58 minutes to FUNDAY X. Polly and I are looking forward to seeing you (and Davsand, et al) then.
John
Hope things get better. They haven't been all that swell around here lately, either.

[UTUSN]

46. Your Brilliance, Insight, and Energy Can't Be Dimmed n/t

[KG]

47. hang in there, bro.

:)

[rbnyc]

48. Love you Kheph!

:loveya:

You're such a great person. I know you've made mistakes, but you're allowed, and you've learned so much. It all adds up to who you are, and I love you through and through!

Welcome back and thanks for being here.

[PVnRT]

49. Cut me!

To quote Rocky...hang in there kef...

[Khephra]

50. I really don't know what to say

reading alll your comments makes me cry.

Thank you SSOOOOO much.

[Jax]

51. I love you khephra

When I have had my demons I have come to DU to search out YOUR posts to lift me up and you always have.

You mean so much to so many. So many. If you ever need anything in life, me and Mr. Jax are here for you.

Jax

[latebloomer]

52. Welcome back, kheph!

You are very important to us and we missed you.

Hang in there, brother!

[drfemoe]

53. WB Keph

:hi:

[buddhamama]

54. Welcome back, Kef

and glad to hear you are feeling better, and a little stronger.

unload on us if it helps. the DU community is here for you.

take of yourself :hug:

[Elidor]

55. I feel for you, keph

I don't care what gutter you've been sleeping in, you're still someone I respect and admire. Sometimes a person feels compelled to self-medicate. I'm having one of those times right now myself. Peace to you, friend.

Edit: whoa...a star. It took me long enough.

[rasputin1952]

56. Welcome home Keph...

I think we've all been a bit on edge over the past couple of years.

Shit happens. Just hang in there, every time stuff like this happens, we come back stronger. Sounds silly, but it's true.

You are one of the shining lights here at DU, don't let this stuff rile you.

O8)

[Alopenia]

57. Want the unvarnished truth?

If you want to salvage some sort of positive outlook on life, then the last place you should look is in the hateful climate of the current political scene. If the folks you consort with are filled with negativity, then you will be also.
I would image a large number who fill their days venting anger online slowly, gradually find that these rooms are their reality and the real world is less so. I imagine many have slowly forsaken old personal contacts and relationships because their minds are filled with what new thing they can say online to deliver their anger. And, of course, venting anger begets new and more anger. Real life and its concerns become nuisances that interfere with this fake reality.
My advice...and I know this may be far more difficult than kicking a narcotic addiction....give up this stuff cold-turkey. Start living life the way you used to, before you became consumed with venting ire against political people and philosophies. I'll wager you were a far happier person before politics became the focus of your life. But once you get back to the way you used to be, I think you'll find the burdens of life will be a bit easier to endure.