Jerk Store: A Confession - Democratic Underground

alcibiades_mystery

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Wed Mar-19-08 11:43 PM
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Jerk Store: A Confession

It's been twenty years since my last confession. Here it is.

I'm generally a nice guy. In my work life, I write densely theoretical articles and other scholarship that is careful, highly qualified, and collegial to a fault. If I disagree with others in my field, even where the stakes are high, I take a very soft approach, and rarely - if ever - launch frontal attacks. If I don't like a book, I don't review it. If I don't like an article, I'll place my reservations in the subordinate clause, leaving the main clause for the positive. I rarely get into arguments at conferences that are anything other than respectful. To my students, I am kind probably even beyond proper limits. Sometimes they're just gaming me, because they know I'm "soft," but I don't really like the disciplinary role, and so I choose not to play it (grading is another story - there, not so soft). Among my colleagues, I suppose I'm considered an alright guy. I don't really go for department intrigues, though I'll engage in minor gossip when drinking. I don't think I'm known as a troublemaker. In fact, I wouldn't believe it if you told me.

At home, I'm giving, patient, and generally pleasant. My wife and I haven't ever really been in a knock-down drag out fight, and I can't remember a time when an argument we did have wasn't resolved within the hour. To my daughter, I am doting. In fact, I'm so permissive and sweet that I'll have to start fortifying myself for other tactics now that she's two (today!).

Helluva confession, right? Here's the kicker.

On DU, I am a total fuck-faced jerk. I deliberately seek out arguments with people I vehemently disagree with, and it is my goal to slay them utterly with words. I will use any tactic, no matter how vile, to destroy their argument, salt it over, and let it fester. I've had more posts deleted than I like to count. I'm probably on over 100 ignore lists, and rightly so. People have sent me threatening and outraged IM's, which make me laugh maniacally. I consider it a good session if I have completely and publicly belittled my opposition in the eyes of other readers. I mock posters unmercifully for minor kicks. I consider DU not so much a community as a gladiator pit. Sure, I'm cool (and even very cool) with some folks here, but usually I'm in search and destroy mode. I try to find the softest argumentative and emotional underbelly of my interlocutors and exploit it extensively. I'm accusatory, condescending, and crude. I harp on shit, like the Red Sox payroll, just because the outraged responses are amusing. I call my wife over and say "Look how mad this guy is!" And she laughs and says "You're such a jerk!" I devise ingenious work-arounds that allow me to insult people without breaking DU rules on personal attacks. I proceed by innuendo, sarcasm, double entendre, parody, satire, and cold reasoning. I take the tools of the trade I learned in academic argument and apply them in ways that would horrify Callicles. In short, I'm an asshole. And I love it.

So, why the disconnect? Why nice here, asshole there? Of course, there's the anonymity bit that all the internet theorists talk about. But I think it's also like a little safety valve.

You're expecting a sarcasm smiley? You're not going to get one. This is a confession. This is the truth. In The History of Sexuality, Foucault tells a story about a Serb who wanted to join the partisans to fight against the Nazis. He found some group of resistance fighters, but they were worried about infiltrators, so they told him to go away and come back with a written version of his life story. He leaves for two days, writes four densely packed pages of prose, then finds the group again. The partisan leader looks at it, reads it over, and says "Write it again, but this time tell the truth." This is the truth. The jerk store called, and they're running out of me.