I need a kick upside the head

[Rosemary2205]

My job is great - wonderful enviroment - paid decent - appreciated for what I do.
Both my parents are still on the planet sending loving thoughts my way though I am in my 50's.
I have healthcare benefits I can mostly afford.
I have a decent roof, enough food.
I have a new wheelchair that is SO much better than the first cheapoid one.

With all this, I am unhappy to the point of crying every single day. I hate going home from work. Every night, every weekend is nothing but one pain the ass after another. It isn't his fault. It isn't. He was damaged in the same car accident I was. --- but he was selfish and emotionally abusive even before that.

I want out to the point where I'd cut my nose off despite my face just to be free. I've spent all weekend glued to the computer trying not to feel, trying not to interact with him. Even before, I used the computer as a place to hide.

It would be nearly impossible for either one of us to live alone. And then there's the guilt of divorcing a brain damaged man who can't survive on his own. There's facing both families. There's the even worse economic hardship to go along with the physical hardship.

I long ago forgot what it's like to look forward to a warm sunshiney day. I don't even know anymore what my favorite color is, or what music I like, or even what I want for supper. I don't dare think about what I want -- for 15 years I've been told I do not matter. It takes it's toll.

Sometimes I think if I was rich that would solve everything - but none of this can be solved by money. I have the basics of life - more would be the extras. Money does NOT buy happiness.

I'm sorry for the pissy post. I just needed to get it out.

[ThatsMyBarack]

1. Good for you....

....for getting this out of your system! :hug:

[IzaSparrow]

2. what kind of music did you like?

[Rosemary2205]

3. I don't remember anymore

1000 yrs ago I sang in church. Sang doing the dishes. Sang in the shower. I don't remember what. The song died more than 20 years ago.

I don't even own a music playing device anymore. My van has no radio. Maybe a little radio would be a place to start.

[Breeze54]

11. Does your computer have speakers? Turn them up!

If so, you can listen to music online!

1980s Music Video Mash Remix

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0Rhj46yCXc

Views: 12,056

50+ Videos from the 80's all in one megamix.

[Redstone]

4. Easy, Rosie. Easy. You have a LOT to be unhappy about, I'll not try to minimize that.

May I suggest a starting point?

Go to a psychiatrist or other therapist. If your knee hurt, you'd go to the knee doctor, wouldn't you? No reason not to see a specialist when your mind hurts.

Second: Try to take one little bit of your life back at a time. You don't remember your favorite color? Try to take just one moment each day to look, REALLY look at just ONE color. After you've looked at a dozen or so colors, and thought about them, decide then which one's your favorite.

Next time there's a sunshiney day, roll yourself outside and just lift your face to the warmth. Don't think. Just enjoy.

That's the best I can offer, goddammit. I wish there was more I could do.

Redstone

[Rosemary2205]

5. In all honesty

Most of my life is full of blessings and advantages. The only real suckage is what goes on in my own home. That started a LONG time before the accident. In all truth I think the accident was the wake up call that me realize I stopped living a long time ago.

I think you are probably right. I need a pro. Mostly because it's gone on way too long to dig out on my own.

[greatauntoftriplets]

6. The best I can do for you is this....

:hug:

Though I would take Redstone's advice about seeing a professional. Despite the things that get you down, you have a great attitude.

[Angel]

7. Like Others Said Start With A Pro

Get a Radio, cd player, whatever. I've learned that it is possible to lose yourself in music. It isn't a cure but it can, at times, bring you a small measure of happiness. I have been in a place of such unhappiness that music was my only get away. Just like anything else it is a one step, one day at a time approach to where you want to be in your life.

[astral]

8. I love singing in the car

where I can try my best (baaaaad singer!) and nobody can even hear me. It's very therapeutic. Get a car stereo for starters, and let yourself take drives just to enjoy some song. It will strengthen your spirit.

Do you have to come straight home from work everyday to take care of your husband? Can you get time away to find other people to talk to and visit with?

[Suich]

9. Dear Rosemary...

I wholeheartedly agree with Redstone's advice.

Best of luck to you!

:hug:

[Breeze54]

10. That sucks, Rosemary!

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Maybe you could find him a roommate and move to your own place? :shrug:

http://georgiaoptions.org/support.htm

http://georgiaoptions.org/supported-living.htm

I hope things get better for you. Do you have headphones? :P

Maybe they would help give you a little peace & quiet at times. ;)

[raccoon]

12. Glad you did get it out here.

Sorry you're in this situation.

I second what Redstone said. :hug:

[applegrove]

13. So sorry you are in a bad place. Spring is coming. That should help a bit.

[JoePhilly]

14. You mention facing BOTH families ... that may be exactly what you need to do ...

Look ... how can they help you if they don't know where you are mentally and emotionally?

You say you "want out" ... "out" can mean many things ... but if you don't talk to the families involved ... there is "no out".

I'm not sure how you do it ... but you need to get them involved.

You sound like the one who takes responsibility ... so maybe you need to reach out and get some others to take some responsibility too.

As for music ... Boston always worked for me ... this one has your name in it (well, almost) ...

More than a feeling ...

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away

Its more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
till I see marianne walk away
I see my marianne walkin away

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the years go by
Yet I still recall as I wander on
As clear as the sun in the summer sky

Its more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
till I see marianne walk away
I see my marianne walkin away

When Im tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away
She slipped awa y. she slipped away.

Its more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling)
I begin dreaming (more than a feeling)
till I see marianne walk away
I see my marianne walkin away