Everyone, I need ssome real help here.

[Archae]

As of today, it's been 20 years since I've had a girlfriend.

I broke up with my fiancee back then.

Every time I try to sleep, I end up crying.

I'm so depprressed.
I have no desire to kill myself, but I'm just so damn depressed.

:cry:

[onebigbadwulf]

1. Well let's start off with a few things

1. what do you do for a living
2. what kind of shape are you in
3. what are your physical features
4. what is your financial situation


looking for brutal honesty, not a date.

[Archae]

6. Answers

1. I'm on full disability

2. Not good, I'm 30 pounds overweight, and frequently end up spending most of an entire day in bed, with severe headaches.

3. My picture is here:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/archae99

4. Little money to spend on a girlfriend.
I live from month to month on my disability check.

[Insider]

7. best wishes, archae

you are a young man, and handsome too. the internet helped me get out of my shell, make friends in a non-threatening way, and eventually stop drinking. today i take a mild med for depression. it works well for me.

as the pros told me, it may be as simple as a chemical imbalance. talk to a professional and find out. that's what they do.

best wishes.

[Archae]

8. Young?

Sorry, I'm not a young guy anymore.

I'm 44.

Handsome?
I just wish even ONE woman in my area would say so.

Last time I asked a woman for a date, (about 2 years ago,) she laughed at me saying I was so ugly she would never go out with me.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

15. You aren't old...

44 isn't young either (I'm 45, and I think middle-age basically sucks); but you're never too old to meet a nice woman.

It sounds like the last woman to reject you had a decidedly unattractive heart. You deserve much better than she was capable of giving.

Are you involved with any volunteer organizations, Archae? It's a great way to meet decent, caring people and help you recognize your self-worth. I'm not sure what the nature of your disability is; but I'll bet there are many organizations that would welcome what you have to offer.

I'm sorry you're depressed. Go to a doctor if you need to. There's no shame in taking medication to make you feel better.

Here's a little medicine of my own...I hope it helps! :hug::hug::hug:

[BiggJawn]

16. Well, you know how that Hilton broad is...

So forget Paris and try for someone else.
Uh, I saw your pic. you don't look any more homely than me, and I'm pretty handsome.
I've been in a Hell of my own making before. All I can tell you is tell your doctor what you're going through and take a chance.

Good Luck!

[Terran]

18. Archae

It's a little hard to tell from that tiny picture of you, but you're not a bad looking man at all (this coming from a gay guy, if that means anything). I think possibly it's the depression, more than anything, that's preventing you from meeting someone. I have a couple of good on-line friends who are clinically depressed, and they find it inescapable to an extent, yet they still have full active lives; one has been partnered happily for 12 years, and he isn't much to look at, believe me, although his partner is. Intelligence, personality, integrity and humor will win out with the people who value things like that over looks, and of course that's the only kind of person worth being with long-term.

I would take a lot of the advice you've gotten here: try to address the depression medically, if you can. If it's clinical depression, it can be treated. And simply getting outside more often, and getting involved, is a great way to meet people. If you can become more confident about yourself, people will see you as more attractive, regardless of your physical appearance. You're political--why not join a political group in your town?

And BTW, 30 pounds overweight is nothing to me...I love big men! And so do many women.

Dirk

[Madrone]

22. Oh YEAH??!!

<<<she laughed at me saying I was so ugly she would never go out with me.>>>


Oh YEAH? Well thanks for demonstrating you're such a BITCH I wouldn't date you if I were Tom Cruise! Invite REVOKED!



Jesus - I can't believe some bitch really said that to you Archae. I know it's hard to think of it this way, but REALLY, she did you a favor!

[nini]

21. does your disability keep you from going for a walk?

if not, make yourself go around the block - or a short walk to start.
If the depression is that bad get on something.. It's ok to take stuff to get us back on track. You have the right to live your life to the best of your ability.

If it's easy enough to get out.. go somewhere - anymore.. volunteer answering phones somewhere. Take a class... you are most likely eligible for tuition aid etc..

And most importantly dont'let that bitch you asked out that was so rude keep you from reaching out again. People like that are below humanity and you shouldn't even give her a second thought.

Not having much money should not keep you from meeting a 'decent' woman. If someone will not date you because you don't have money, you don't want her - she's too shallow. There are lots of understanding women out there but they need to know you are there too.

30lbs isn't that much and even if you were 100 lbs overweight it will not matter to the right people.

don't let anyone else define who you are - EVER.

Good luck and get out.

If you're not ready to get out .. .we are all here.

:hug:

[Dookus]

2. I'm sorry

:hug:

If you know you're depressed, you should see somebody about it. This sounds serious, and there ARE treatments. PM me if you want to talk privately.

[Droopy]

3. It's been almost 15 years for me, Archae

Last and only girlfriend I had was when I was 17. She dumped me because all I ever wanted to do with her was get into her pants. I'll admit I wasn't really in love, just lust. ;)

But I have a different take on this than you. It doesn't really bother me to be alone. I actually don't want a relationship right now because I've got so much going on that I wouldn't really have time for it. And I think of myself more as being free than of being girlfriendless.

But lonliness can be a real downer. If you get too down it's best to go talk to someone about it. Anti-depressants can work wonders in your life. They can make you more appealing to a potential mate because they make you have a more positive outlook and that attracts people to you.

Best wishes in finding a new mate.

[radwriter0555]

4. Get UP. Get OUT. Do things with REAL PEOPLE that interest you. Stop

wallowing. Get out and DO THINGS like volunteer at a children's hospital, read to some old people, walk or bathe some cats or dogs at a shelter.

The BEST medicine IS NOT PROZAC, it's living life and appreciating it.

This is on you. It's up to you to get up, get out and DO SOMETHING.

Find your bliss and the love will come along.

[Droopy]

5. It depends on the level of depression

Sure getting out and doing good deeds can make you feel better about yourself. But for some the depression can be so profound that you get nothing out of these experiences. Anti-depressants have saved some peoples lives. I know the original poster said he wasn't suicidal, but that doesn't mean that he could not benefit from some drug therapy. And drugs don't have to be a permanent addition to your life, depending on the problem.

I don't see why people have a problem with psychiatric drugs. I take them for a severe mental illness known as schizoaffective disorder. They have literally saved my life.

[davsand]

9. I'm 43, not trolling for a date, and you are a nice looking man.

I'll grant you that downstate Illinois doesn't really fall in your geographical specs, but hey--I think you needed to hear it.

When I was unmarried, I don't think I'd have batted an eye at a date with you (Or any man that looks like you) as long as you are clean and don't smell funky--funky body odor is outside my level of acceptable for a date, to be honest.

The main thing I wonder about is who are these women you are asking out that they'd say anything so hurtful to you? Are they really young? Are they not very nice women? I can't fathom it, personally.

Laura

[Archae]

11. Most women around here

They go for the rich "hunks."

But thanks.
Makes me feel a little better.
Want to move here to Sheboygan? :-)

[davsand]

13. Real women don't need "rich hunks."

To be honest with you, most of the men I found to have any kind of substance at all were just average guys who were struggling like the rest of us...

Mistake number one is not realizing that any woman who looks at you as either an accessory or meal ticket is not worth the time it takes to brush her off. Frankly, women like that piss me off--they make us ALL look bad.

I'm gonna sound like your Mom here, but you have got to realize how valuable you are before anybody else does. I've read several of your posts on here, and I've not always agreed with you, but I've found you to be both funny and intelligent. THOSE are the things that carry you thru in any long term relationship--not cash, not a set of rippling abs.

If I can be so bold, I'd seriously urge you to get your own cards in order, and THEN contemplate the idea of sharing THAT with someone. If you feel that you have a chemical issue and need some kind of drug therapy to combat it--then I'd say do that, and THEN get out in the world with things you enjoy.

I know you must have an interest in politics, so you can pursue that with your local political scene--volunteer to stuff envelopes for a campaign or work in the office. Your Yahoo page mentioned your cat--would you enjoy spending time at one of the local pet shelters or your local Humane Society? Maybe you'd enjoy finding some local non-profit that needs a hand in the office--say a consumer group or even some kind of social services agency?

I realize this stuff is all volunteer--but it also gives you the ability to be gone on days you don't feel well. Volunteers usually have more leeway with that kind of thing. Volunteers usually meet lots of people too! That is how you can build your social network and have an identity other than that of a person who feels bad and feels trapped. THAT is how you find a person who is worth spending time with!!!

I hope your burdens lighten soon!

Laura

[LuLu550]

10. First about the depression

go see a professional but quick! You need to talk to someone. Without knowing it, your depression could be turning off the women you meet. Next, get involved in the community. Volunteer to work for the candidate of your choice.

I hope it works out. It sucks being lonely.
:hug:

[geniph]

12. If you can do it,

get outside for a few minutes every day. Try to get yourself in the habit of walking somewhere for a little bit on a daily basis. You'll meet your neighbors, see the seasons change, get some healthy daylight, and get a little exercise. As a life-long severe depressive, I can tell you that just that one little thing can make the difference between life and (wanting) death. Literally.

Then, if you're able, find something that interests you - maybe it's a photography class, maybe it's volunteering at a homeless shelter, maybe taking a part-time job as a receptionist in a vet clinic, teaching a basic computer class at the local senior center - something that gets you out and around people with similar interests. Isolating yourself is the worst thing for depression, particularly if your depression partly results from loneliness.

I joined a health club when I was in your situation - I saved up money for it for some time. The Y usually has fairly reasonable rates, and if you're physically able, just swimming a couple times a week can help tremendously.

Don't underestimate the value of exercise. It can't cure depression, but it does help, and it is generally a good idea anyway. The better you feel about yourself, the more attractive you'll be to others.

Most counties have a mental health association that can arrange low cost counseling for you, too. Call a crisis line if you need to, they can probably direct you to community resources. There's a lot to be said for just talking about your problems to another human being in real life, even if they don't have any solutions.

[Khephra]

14. I wish I could help

But I'm at the 15 year mark myself. She ended up breaking up with me, "turning" gay, getting together with her best friend (hating herself for it), and then she tried to kill my male best friend (her girlfriend's ex-husband). Eventually she killed herself.

So, I'm not a good one to ask either, but I do understand where you are coming from.

[TXlib]

17. You sound like you have chronic depression

And if it's been 20 years, perhaps some social anxiety issues.

Go to a doctor, and get a prescription for antidepressants.

Then get involved in activities that will get you interacting with others.

In the meantime, check this out:

http://www.astonishedhead.com/images/OVOID.swf

[northofdenali]

19. I hear you, Archae - and all the good karma I can send is

heading your way. I agree with lots of the folks above - since you're on disability, I'm sure you have a regular doctor who can help with the depression. I've got fibromyalgia, and because I'd always been healthy before, this hit me hard - including depression. There are a lot of good, mild, antidepressants out there now with little or no side effects. Just lifting yourself up a little bit will help! Also, the volunteering - you'll be surprised at how many really terrific folks you'll meet.

And you are NOT ugly! Most of my girlfriends are married to guys who are "average" looking - they don't look for "looks", they look for heart and soul, intelligence and caring. You've got all those qualities hands-down.

I'm thinking of you - and if there's anything at all I can do, please PM me :hug:

[Lefta Dissenter]

20. Hey, Archae

I second (third, fourth, etc....) what everyone else has said.

GET some professional help, figure out if you have clinical depression and start dealing with that. That could open up a whole world to you. AFTER that, you can give yourself a swift kick in the ass to get out and volunteer, meet people, and do all of the other things that everyone has suggested. Jeez, the political season is just starting to heat up - it's a good way to meet people. It will be hard at first because you haven't been getting out, but once you do, you'll find it a great addiction!

OK, so you don't live in the most left-leaning part of the state, but there must be some good Dems out there you can volunteer for - and work your ass off for Russ Feingold, your stellar Senator! You'll meet some absolutely wonderful people in doing that. In the meantime, you'll feel better about yourself, because you'll know you're making a difference, and it will all snowball from there.

You look like a decent guy, and if you're nice and funny, there are plenty of woman your (my) age, looking for a good companion (sorry, I've been married almost 25 years, and plan to stay that way). Through my volunteering for Wes Clark, I've met just SOOOoo many great people, and if I were single, I'd sure pick that route for finding someone who is fun and has an interest in DOING something in this world.

Start with step one, call your doctor and get a referral to a psychiatrist to meet with. Do it NOW! You'll NEVER regret it, I promise you!

Best Wishes, and keep us all posted!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

23. A few points

1. You are not ugly. The woman who said that to you was a classless bitch and not worthy of consideration.

2. See a professional about your depression. Not being able to get out of bed all day is a sign of depression. I've been there.

3. While you may want to get a woman into your bedroom at some point, you certainly won't meet any new ones there. Get out of the house every day.

4. It sounds as if you may need to make some new platonic friends, if nothing else, and it's probably a good idea before trying the whole relationship thing. I repeat, get out of the house, especially to somewhere where people gather, like a health club, a coffee shop, adult education classes, or a park. I've met people in my neighborhood by busting into coffee shop conversations about politics or computers. I've met some more this week sitting in the hot tub at the Y after water aerobics class.

There must be all kinds of organizations in your area that are connected with something you're interested in. Political campaigns are good. There may be organizations of people who attend and discuss movies, play games such as chess or go or bridge, play or sing music, whatever you're interested in doing. If you have even the tiniest inkling of religious feeling, join a non-fundy church (a Unitarian one if the inkling is really tiny) for the sense of community and the feeling of being a part of something larger than one's self.

5. Did I say get out of the house?

6. Realize that it's your depression making you see the world as darker than it really is and making you believe it when people say bad things about you.

I've compared depression to walking around in a narrow trench seven feet deep. All you can see is darkness and monotony. The glimmers of blue sky seem to mock you. Therapy and drugs provide a ladder to let you see over the top of the trench so that you can start climbing out.

Good luck!

[geniph]

26. Archae, please read what Lydia posted above

in fact, print it out, put it on the wall, and learn it by heart. Everything she said is 100% Grade-A good advice.

I KNOW, only too well, how hard it is to get out of bed, shower, dress, and leave the house when the black dog has you by the throat. I once missed almost two weeks of work because I couldn't move. I was lucky I could even get myself out of bed to use the toilet. My big accomplishment for that period was to leave the house long enough to put a bag of trash in the dumpster, and even that, I did after dark out of terror that someone might look me in the eye, or speak to me. It's hard for people who haven't been looking up at life from the bottom of a pit to understand how difficult ANY attempt to climb that pit's slimy steep walls can be.

But even walking around the block is a start.

Oh, and Lydia - point #3 is one of the best-expressed statements of that fact I've ever seen. Bravo.

[Bunny]

24. Archae, you are NOT a bad looking guy.

Take it from this straight 45 yr. old woman!

Do what everyone else is advising. Get some help, take some meds, when you're feeling better get out and do some volunteer work for others. Things will improve for you if you're open to that.

I've read your posts here, and although I disagree with some of them, you've got a lot going for you. Good luck!!

[displacedtexan]

25. Are you religious?

If so, get your ass to church/synagogue/mosque/meeting house/whatever asap!

If not, get your ass to the Unitarian Church nearest you:

Great people, fellowship, and free coffee and pastries after the service! Tons of opps for get togethers, outings, and social action/political action work...

And lots of interesting women!