Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.

[demnan]

1. Good one!

[Davis_X_Machina]

2. The versions I know are:

"Two -- one to screw in the light bulb, and one to not-screw in the lightbulb"

...0r:

"A leopard".

My favorite Zen master joke:

"A Zen master goes up to a hot dog cart, and asks the owner "Make me One with Everything".

[alterfurz]

5. so the hot dog vendor makes him one with everything...

...and the zen master pays with a twenty, which the vendor pockets.
"Hey, what about change?" the zen master asks.
The vendor replies: "Sorry, change must come from within."

[WhoCountsTheVotes]

3. Zarathud and the Cow of Mu

Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers.

One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.

"Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?"

Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)

Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.

-- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"

[ZenLefty]

4. Did you hear about the bar that walked into the Zen master?

n/t

[Wickerman]

6. Q: How do I become a Lama?

A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.

Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.