Wanted: Woman advice and/or good single female in VA

[leanings]

My girlfriend of 2.5 years goes up to an Ivy League school in September of last year. I stay down here in VA, going for my undergrad at UVA. Plans are for me to finish up, move up there, support her while she goes to school, marriage, kids, etc. All's well until Christmas. Four days before she's supposed to come down here on Christmas Day, she breaks it off over email. No reason given. Come to find out she's dating another guy, didn't sleep with him. But that's not it, not entirely. She feels as tho she's reinventing herself, and I can't be a part of that process, and other intangible irrational stuff such as that. I can respond to questions on that point.

So she comes back down here towards the end of Jan. We agree that we both still love each other but right now isn't the time for us to be together. She decides that the guy she's seeing isn't worth the investment and blows him off. We talk on the phone freqently thereafter. Plans are made for me to come to Boston this Friday and spend the weekend.

Today I get a call. As near as I can figure, she's blown me off to spend the weekend with her other single friends. Now, mind you, we're not in a committed relationship at the moment. But we'd been making plans to see each other for some time. I have plane tickets, altho I didn't have to pay for them (airline employee friend).

I still love this woman, deeply. I just can't believe she'd treat another human being like that, much less someone with whom she spent so much time.

Advice? Insight? Anything need clarifying? I know I might be getting a bit personal for a message board, but I'm hurt bad, again, and I'd love to hear what some other, objective females think. I'd like to put this up in as unbiased a fashion as possible; I don't have anyone to run this by that isn't a friend of mine and who won't take my side.

[Qanisqineq]

1. Don't know what to tell you

I did the same thing to a guy. All I can say is that I was selfish.

[leanings]

2. Please, elaborate.

Selfishness has come up quite a bit in our conversations. Did you ever regret it?

I mean, I'm not familiar with selfishness. It's not something I was raised to believe in. You don't do anything that's really detrimental to your own well-being, but the needs of others certainly occupy some sort of priority in your life. I mean, what kind of world is it where everyone's looking out for Number 1?

As an aside, would you, perchance, consider yourself to be a pretty mobile person?

[Qanisqineq]

4. This is what I mean by selfish

I wanted someone there as a "safety net" so if I got too lonely I would have someone there to fall back on. I was young and dumb. Also, shortly after I broke up with him I moved to DC (30+ hour drive from home), was lonely, and he was willing to fly out whenever I said pretty please.

I wasn't raised to treat people that way either, but it was more a lack of self esteem and this was someone that loved me. I didn't want to totally give that up.

[leanings]

7. Understandable

Maybe the lack of self-esteem has quite a bit to do with it. I find that's pretty common among women. It's really too bad, too; I know many wonderful females who really screw themselves because of it.

That's actually an angle on this I hadn't figured yet. Part of what I see in my ex is a need for social climbing, a need to make herself distinctly part of a higher social class than the one I hale from. That could definitely stem from a lack of confidence in ones self.

But I know, I know for a fact, that I really sparked her. We always had a beautiful time together, hiking and camping and going to shows and wonderful conversation...everything seemed positively fairy tale...I'm just not sure what went wrong.

[Qanisqineq]

10. hope it works out for you

I am off to bed now. :hi:

[leanings]

12. Thanks...n/t

[SoCalDem]

17. I did it too...as a 19 yr old

broke an engagement by collect call.. a month before the wedding..:(

[camero]

3. Be hard to find somebody that won't take your side

I hate these things. Look at it this way. If she is treating you like this now, odds are that it will continue. It may be better to just move on. But then again what do I know. :shrug:

[uberotto]

5. What you should ask yourself...

is do you want to be with this woman, or is it more of a need? In other words, are you willing to be treated like shit because you feel that it is preferable to being all alone?

I can tell you from personal experience, the worst thing you can do is get into a relationship based on need.

[leanings]

11. I entertained that notion.

I'm not sure that I'm able to completely differentiate "need" from "love". I'm happiest when we're together. Can I get along without that? Sure. Do I want to? Nope. She's not part of Mazlo's hierarchy, but she really goes a long way towards fulfilling parts of my life which would otherwise be empty, you know? I kinda thought that's what love was about. I know she did that for me and I'm pretty sure I did that for her.

[zbird]

6. FWIW, my 2 cents.

First off, I am assuming that you both are in the 18 to 21 range in age. If this is the case, this is an age where so much change and growth occur. Looking at it from her standpoint. She is hundreds of miles away from home, at an academically challenging school, where she probably did not know anyone until she got there. What better time to do some personal reinventing? Sounds like she is a little confused and maybe even scared.

I don't condone the way she has apparently blown you off, but it seems to be a little bit of immaturity and perhaps inexperience dealing with such issues.

Has she had another long-term relationship prior to the relationship with you? Again, I am assuming you are both young (I know you probably don't like that term, but hey, I'm 43), so I doubt that she has a whole lot of experience.

Doesn't make it easier for you, but I would venture to say that this situation probably isn't all that unusual.

[leanings]

8. I'm almost 26, she's 24. Old enough to know better.

I'm getting to the point where I don't mind being called young one bit. :) She's getting her PhD and I spent four years active duty.

I think her longest term relationship up until now has been about a year and a half.

[REP]

14. Still Pretty Young

Not that I condone what she's doing, I can understand it a little - she's just starting her life, and you're talking about marriage and kids, which are staggering responsibilities. She may not be ready for either, or have even come to term with wether she wants to be a mommy. She may be trying to find out what she really wants to do with her life, rather than just follow the expected script for women (which is what a lot of women want - but just as many don't).

If she's worth all the stuff she's putting you through, be there for her while she figures herself out and don't put a lot of pressure on her (but don't let her yank you around, either). Be sure that she's really worth it, too - you have your own life and plans to figure out, and you shouldn't put yourself on hold while she's making up her mind.

[zbird]

15. OK. That changes things a bit.

She probably is old enough to know better, so I'm going to have to go with emotionally immature.

If your impressions about social climbing are correct, you probably will not want to continue in a relationship with her. She will never be happy unless she has the social status, then ironically, she will probably still not be happy once she gets what she thinks she wants. I've seen this behavior in my sister.

Sounds like it is time to cut and run. You sound like a good guy who deserves better. Not all women are like this. There is someone out there for you who will be able to give you what you want and deserve. Sometimes it just takes a little longer than we would like.

[YouMustBeKiddingMe]

9. Well, you've had plans for this weekend for some time

and have plane tickets. Now she wants to spend the weekend with her other single friends. Hmmm. Seems rather inconsiderate to me.

Considering she cancelled her trip over Christmas, dated another guy, says she's reinventing herself, and you can't be part of the process, I'd say she is letting you go. Sorry to say. I'm sure she knows how you feel and doesn't want to hurt you.

That's my insight. I wish I could be more optimistic. Sorry.

[onebigbadwulf]

13. College ends all pre-college relationships...

always.



If you love her you'll go your seperate ways in peace and get in touch when it's a better time.


I was actually thinking about this today. The first year I went to college I was tied up in a long dist relationship and I realized it was the worst decision of my life. You can't keep people tied when they're exploring their individuality and new found freedom to the world.

[SoCalDem]

16. Cut her loose... She does not love you..

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's the honest truth.. Don't waste anymore of your time on her..or worrying about what you could have done..should have done..could still do..

Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder.. If you are young, absence makes the heart forget !!

Someone who loves you will move heaven and earth to be with you.. You were a convenience to her, and when she was not with you, she found other people to fill her life..

If a relationship needs a "time-out" , it's OVER..


You are lucky to have found this out BEFORE you got married or it went on longer..

I know it hurts like hell, but just concentrate on things you enjoy doing, and don't be afraid to love again.. Not all women are that way, and there IS someone out there who will blow everything and everyone off to be with YOU.. :):)

Chin up sweetie.. You will survive this.. It does not seem like it now, but a few months down the road and you will be glad she's out of your life..

Some people are just plain toxic...and her "new" boyfriend will probably find this out too :)