A Valentine Bribe

[Spacemom]

These were only my front porch when I got home yesterday.



They're from my dad, who I'm estranged from.

It's just awkward, I don't know what to do. Should I call and thank him?

[Phillycat]

1. I can only assume you have good reason to be estranged from your father...

might have something to do with his being emotionally manipulative, judging by this gesture... :hug:

[Spacemom]

2. You hit that nail on the head

36 years was enough of the abuse. Some people are just toxic. It was difficult, but I told him I didn't want him in my life anymore.

It's a really warped situation. My mom passed away almost 3 years ago, and one of her last requests is that I help take care of him. He was abusive to her too. I had to tell myself that she would prefer I live an emotionally healthy life than honor that request.

It's just like domestic abuse. It's the cycle of abuse, then beg forgiveness, then start all over again.

I know it's best to be away from him, but there's always that part of me that so badly wants to be loved by my only remaining parent.

:shrug: Thanks for letting me ramble anyways. :)

[Phillycat]

5. Where your mom is now...

she knows that her request to you was wrongheaded...she knows now that she didn't deserve it, and you don't either. There is nothing to be gained from continuing to try drawing water from a dry well. Happy Valentine's Day, dearheart. :hug:

[Spacemom]

7. Thank You

You can't know how much those words mean to me. I struggle with it everyday. :hug:

[skater314159]

3. Take the flowers to a nursing home...

...or to the Emergency Department of your local hospital to brighten up the place and let the nurses/staff know people thank them for the love they show through their work.

That way, you pass the flowers on and spread happiness, and you get to keep your happy space free of toxic, manipulative vibes.

Peace!
:hippie:
skater pi

[jojo54]

4. I haven't spoken to my father in 3 years.

It's a long story and I won't go into it, but I did write him about a year ago and told him how I felt. Lately I've been thinking that maybe I should try to get past my hurt because he's 83 now. I lost my mother almost 36 years ago. So, I know your dilemma Spacemom.

Maybe some soul searching and prayer (if you're religious) would help you decide what's best for you.

PM me if you need to talk because my father was abusive too, but that's only part of the reason for my distance.

[Scarlett17]

6. This is so hard. I've been there.

Your situation is uniquely yours and obviously I don't know the details. I'll tell you my story and maybe something in it will help you decide what you want to do.

I made the choice when my kids were born that I was not going to subject them to the erratic, unstable behavior of my alcoholic father. I didn't speak to him for seven years despite attempts throughout the years by him and his latest wife. Then, in October of 2002, he called and told me he was dying. Cirrhosis and Hep-C had his liver function down to 8%. He had quit drinking and was undergoing the necessary therapy to try to get on the organ donor list. His apologies finally sounded authentic--whether that was because they were coming from a dying man or a finally sober man, I don't know.

I debated for several weeks whether I was going to let him back into my life and, more importantly, my kids' lives. My dear friend (and surrogate father) advised me that if I did not try to find some kind of closure and peace with my father, I would regret it later. He said that for myself I needed to try to accept my father's apology. I saw my father that Thanksgiving and afterward decided I would let the kids meet him at Christmas. Over the next few months we spoke regularly and even my mother (who he put through hell for 20 years) was considering seeing him. Unfortunately, that never happened. In early May my dad got the call he was waiting for and went in for a remarkably successful liver transplant. That same day, my mother went in for a routine kidney stone surgery and went into a coma. Three weeks later, she was gone.

For those seven years that I did not speak to my father, my mother was all I had. The course of events that brought my dad back into my life right before I lost my mom amazes me. For the first time in my life, he was there when I needed him. If I had not followed my friend's advice I would not have him now (we speak several times a week) and my kids wouldn't have their Grandpa Jack that they adore. He is a different person now. Actually, I shouldn't say that--without the alcohol he is finally himself.

My husband deals with a similar situation, but his father will not stop drinking (of course he has yet to face the "quit or die" choice my dad did). My husband struggles constantly with the desire to have a relationship with his dad versus the toll that relationship takes on him. He has gotten into a routine where he talks to his father every other month or so and sees him about three times a year (always at times that it's less likely he will have been drinking). It's not what my husband would ultimately want, but by limiting the contact he can limit the exposure to the disappointment and possible verbal abuse. For his father's part, he tends to be on his "best behavior" because he knows my husband is serious about not putting up with the old patterns.

As I said, this is so hard. Whatever you decide, they best thing we can do is make sure that our kids grow up to have better parental relationships that we did. That's really the best we can hope for.

:hug:

[Spacemom]

8. Thank you for sharing your story

One of the reasons I struggle so much with cutting him out of my life is because of my boys. My husbands parents are both gone, my mother is gone. My dad is the only remaining grandparent they have. By removing him from my life, I also remove him from theirs.

Then on the other hand, I don't want them subjected to the same erratic behavior that I was.

I'm glad you were able to move towards a loving relationship with your father. My dad is also not in the best of health, and I worry about the regrets if he goes before there is some sort of healing between us.

:hug:

[Scarlett17]

9. I know. . .

it's so hard to make that decision and stick with it. When I decided not to see my dad anymore my kids were both babies--18 months and newborn. We live in Michigan, my dad is in Indiana. He had only seen them once and, of course, they were too young to remember. I wasn't removing anything from their life that they were aware of. It would have been a much more difficult decision if they were older and knew him.

Do you think that you could form a "limited" relationship like my husband has with his father? My husband has been able to see his dad and let his kids (this is a second marriage for both of us) visit their grandpa on "neutral" ground so to speak. By meeting in public places he can limit the potential for conflict while still allowing some communication.

I'm sorry that you have to go this. With your dad's age and health problems, I can see why you're feeling pressure. There are no easy answers. PM me if you want.