Need opinions on settling an old debt

[Xithras]

Alright, the wife and I can't agree on this one, so I'm looking for some unbiased opinions:

Nearly twelve years ago, when I was 17, a few friends and I piled into my old Camaro and took a road trip to San Francisco. None of us had been there before, and we spent the day cruising around the city, checking out the sights, trying the local herb, and otherwise having a good time. We spent the night at the foot of Coit Tower and woke to a beautiful sunrise, and the sight of a low, wispy fog flowing through the Golden Gate and across the city below us.

Then we realized that someone had stolen our wallets, ALL of our wallets, the day before. So much for an enjoyable trip :mad:

Anyway, so here we are, stuck in a strange city many hours from home, no money, no gas, no way to get home. Our parents would have KILLED us if they knew where we'd gone, so calling for help wasn't even an option. So we begged, we panhandled, and we tried every trick we could think of to make money, and yet by 3PM that day we still only had $2.50 between us.

Now, I'm Catholic by baptism, but I had never really been active in the church (in fact, I'm still not). Still, with no other options, I eventually found myself on the doorstep to Saints Peter and Paul church asking for assistance. The priest, who's name I do not remember, looked over our disheveled group, removed $20 from the donation box, and handed it to me after asking me to promise to return it when I had a chance.

Twelve years later I have yet to fulfill that promise, and I find that it STILL bothers me. I don't know why...it's only $20 after all, but I've always felt like I'd done something horribly wrong. It's not that I hadn't had a chance to pay them back, I've visited SF hundreds of times since then, and even worked in the city for a brief period, but I've never taken the time out to drive out to little Italy and hand back that $20. I want to fix that.

My wife and I are going to San Francisco next weekend with our kids to spend a day at the Exploratorium and the zoo, and I told her a little while ago that I wanted to detour to the church and pay them back. I explained the whole story to her, just as I did you, and I EXPECTED her to be sympathetic...but instead she LAUGHED and said that it was one of the dumbest things she'd ever heard of. She told me to get over it, or give the money to charity, or even to one of our local churches, but that she thought it WEIRD that I even remember it after all these years, and even weirder that it bugs me...and she DOES NOT want to detour across the city just so that I can ease my conscience.

What should I do?

[brokensymmetry]

1. Peace of mind -

it's cheap at $20 plus postage. :-)

[Misinformed01]

2. Pay them back

And do it in person. Don't just drop a twenty in the collection box; pay it back, and say "thank you."

I personally would add "interest" money too-

[radwriter0555]

21. I paid an old "debt' once, and got a JOB out of it. I stopped in an office

I had temped at; after I was done, they gave my name -- unbeknownst to me -- to a head hunting agency looking for good workers to farm out. They got me a ton of good gigs for quite some time.

So I happened to be in the building of the folks who had recommended me.

I stopped in on a whim to say thank you, and they offered me a job on the spot.

I stayed there for quite some time, working with Jack Hanna on Zoo Life and was involved in some amazing projects.... like when we lost 12 wide rhinos in Rwanda for a week; we were rescuing them and transporting them to a sanctuary in TX... have I got STORIES.

Anyway, KHARMA KHARMA KHARMA.

[camero]

3. Mail it. With a note.

Stating the whole situation. I'm sure they would appreciate it and even ask you to stop by. Then your wife may not have anything to complain about. And she may learn the value of atonement.

[Alenne]

4. As a wife I hate to say this but

don't listen to your wife. Make the detour and put $40 in the donation box. It's the right thing to do.

[DS1]

5. That was a very valuable 20 bucks, it got you home.

I'd take at least that much back, whether or not you give it to the same priest or not is irrelevant, and at this point neither is your story to them. You'll feel better for doing it though.

[Eureka]

6. I reckon do it

I don't know how old the kiddies are, but maybe there is a lesson in there for them somewhere.

And you'll feel better for it.

And what goes around comes around/karma type thing.

If ever I help someone out, like a breakdown or something, I never accept payment if offered, but always tell the person they should consider doing something in return next time they see someone else who needs a hand. I like to think it keeps the charitable part of society going (whereas in reality they probably laugh at me, but whatever)

the best thing would be if you went back to give them the money and the same priest was there, that would definately be worth it just for the story IMHO

[curse10]

7. Give 'em 40!

You'll feel better :-)

[Susang]

8. Yikes! Give it back with interest

I wouldn't care if it who gave me that $20, I would make sure that I gave it back, particularly if it was bothering me. I'd also give a $20 for each of the friends I was with, for karma's sake.

[Pithlet]

9. You should do it.

Not only is it right thing to do, but it will make you feel better to not have that hanging over your head. I wish all of the things I regret could be fixed that easily. I don't think it is silly at all.

[DuctapeFatwa]

10. Drop her at the museum, mall, wherever she would like to go, while

you go to St.Peter and Paul's and present them with the most generous donation you can afford to give. Thank them for helping you out, then go pick up your wife.

[Exultant Democracy]

17. I have to agree with Ductape

Make sure to give the money to someone in person and tell the story. Perhaps you may even run into the same priest (probably not.)You are very lucky that you got that $20 in the first place and you need to even the score.

[philosophie_en_rose]

11. It sounds like you've made up your mind.

Don't feel guilty for taking the money, because you were in need. However, if you have the means to make a donation, you should share with the people that helped you in a dire situation.

I'm not a religious person. But even if it wasn't a deity, someone blessed you. Remember that there are other people who also need some support and the money that you send might help some other kid in a tough situation.

It's a funny story. I don't blame your wife for smiling, since she isn't a part of the story. However, don't let it stop you from returning a favor that is overdue.

[ConcernedCanuk]

12. It's YOUR conscience, - go pay it on your own terms . . .

.
.

leave her with the kids at the Exploratorium or the Zoo ( only IF it's OK with your SO and kids), go do the pay thing on your own. :shrug:

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

13. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!

Pay up.
Pay more.
Feel good.
Be well.
and Prosper.

[Duncan Grant]

14. One good turn deserves another!

Go to North Beach and give 'em $40...you'll be walking on cloud 9 for the rest of your trip!

(Don't forget to stop at one of the local bakeries for bread-sticks and Italian cookies...) Enjoy!

[confusionisnext]

15. Detour?

Please, North Beach is just seven miles away from the Exploratorium. Stop by when you're heading for the Bay Bridge toward I-5.

[cally]

16. 40 is not enough

I assume that since you can afford the zoo, that you can give more. It's time to give back and set up a fund for the stupid teens stranded in the city. Give back. Go in person and help set up the next stranded person.

I can't believe anyone wouldn't do this.

[YouMustBeKiddingMe]

18. Pay back $40. In person.

[Xithras]

19. Hmm...my wife is coming around

She's saying now that we can stop by if I make it quick (run in, drop off the donation, run out). She still thinks that the whole thing is incredibly silly, but she's starting to realize that I'm serious about this. Her biggest complaint, I guess, is that I've decided to do this NOW, and our schedule on Saturday is already going to be pretty packed (doing the Exploratorium AND the SF Zoo in one day takes time).

Oh, and I'll be paying back $50 since so many of you seem to favor that option. I was only planning on paying back the $20...that last poll option was originally meant as a joke :dunce:

[chemenger]

20. It's a matter of honor

Forget the guilt. Forget what your wife says. It's a matter of honor and personal integrety. Nothing is more valuable than those two things. Besides it makes for a good story to tell your kids. And it'll make you look ten feet tall in their eyes.

[tinnyguy1777]

22. Congratulations------you have a conscience------

Repay with interest. You decide how much---------

[TEXASYANKEE]

23. Stop in person.

Give whatever you can afford. You'll feel better and it will be an amusing story to whomever accepts the money. Perhaps you'll even run into the same priest?

[Love Bug]

24. Pay the money back!

Take your kids with you-- by setting this example you will teach them that your word means something, a lesson worth far more than $20. I guarantee they will remember this for the rest of their lives.

[sangh0]

25. Pay it back with interest and bring the family too

Insist that the family come along. IMO, it's important for your children to see their father honor an old commitment.

[nini]

26. You could teach your kids a great lesson here..

Pay it back with them with you - all of you will feel great over it.

If they wife doesn't want to join - let her go walk around Pier 39.

[BlueCollar]

27. Look up the church address in the phone book

and write a letter to the church...include a money order for what you personally feel it's worth. There's no reason to make a side-trip if your wife isn't going to support you on this one and the kids will have a blast at the zoo and "sploratoroom" without having to witness an argument.

[Rabrrrrrr]

28. Speaking as one who has worked in the church for a long time

Take the money back - and include interest - for two reasons: 1) You promised to. That's important!!

and number 2 is where I, as the religoiuos professional fall, is that 2) there's a great sermon story in it.

And if you can write the story up, in a paragraph or two, that would be wonderful to hand to whatever priest is there. And make sure to give it to a priest, not a secretary.

I know I would really appreciate it if someone came back - not for the money, it's a rather trivial amount, but because it is a promise fulfilled, and within that is a wonderful story that needs to be shared.

Adjusting for inflation, your $20 is worth today about $27 (approx. 34% inflation from Jan. '92 to Dec. '03). So $40 is a nice compromise.

What a great story!

[Rhiannon12866]

29. This is exactly what I was going to say!

It's a lovely story and I think that whoever is the priest there now would be really touched to hear it. It would be even better if it was the same priest and he remembered! It's definitely a great story for a great sermon! And they no doubt would appreciate the donation! Let us know how this turns out...:-)

[nuxvomica]

30. Don't hurt yourself. Do it!

If this wasn't bothering your conscience, you wouldn't be agonizing over this. If it's a conscience thing and there's no ethical dilemma, always always always follow your conscience. And pay one dollar more than you would consider appropriate, just to make sure. Rabrrrrrr is right about the sermon potential. Maybe some kid who hears that sermon gets set on the right path by it and grows up to save the world from extraterrestrials or something.
Don't take any chances, do it.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

36. Also, it encourages people like that Preist to do it again for

someone else.
Pay it forward.

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. Yes, absolutely!

Pay it forward!

I try to do that in my own life - I often help people, for some reason I tend to find lost purses/wallets and return them, and often they want to give me money or something, and I always say, "No - nothing for me. Just do someting nice for someone else when they need it." I hope that, somehow, that is helping to build a better world.

I could be many hundreds, perhaps thousands, of dollars richer now. But I'd much rather see their stuff get returned.

I remember one woman on the subway, she was with a friend, and I had been watching them both for a long time (early Sunday morning, so very empty train), and when they left, one left her purse. So I took her purse - and even though I did it with the intent to give it back, I tried to do it without being noticed... and then later, since I knew I had to find some way to find the woman, I HAD to open the thing to get some ID. Thankfully, didn't take long to get her contact info, but man, I felt so terrible opening her purse, and when I returned it to her, I apologized that I had to open it. And I saw was her ID, since it was right there when I opened it. I don't know how people can steal and feel nothing about it. I so felt like I had violated her, even though opening it was necessary.

Anyway, she was totally aghast and surprised, as people always are when stuff is returned to them without having been looted in this city.

[DU GrovelBot]

31. ## Support Democratic Underground! ##

RUN C:\GROVELBOT.EXE
 
This week is our first quarter 2004 fund drive.
Please take a moment to donate to DU. Thank you
for your support.
 
- An automated message from the DU GrovelBot

Click here to donate.

[nuxvomica]

32. Yes, Govelbot, we all should also donate to DU if we can

How clever of you to draw the connection between this ethical question and the wider question of whether it is ethical to enjoy DU and not donate if you have the means to. You have given me, at least, much to think about. :thumbsup:

[Rhiannon12866]

41. LOL! He is very astute, that one!

How very kind of you to encourage him in his opinions!:D

[Rabrrrrrr]

35. As the Hawaiians say, "Napuaokamakaola"

"Living through the eyes of children" and you, GrovelBot, are the essence of clarity of wisdom of the small child, and you put us to shame.

Yes, it is only money, and money is best when given away for good reasons. Your short sermon on this dilemma, through your economy of words, by mentioning another, is truly sublime.

truly, living through the eyes of children.

We could all do worse. And sadly, many of us have.

[Deja Q]

33. Pay 'em back in person

Mailing it with a note seems impersonal. Acceptable in different circumstances, but you're going to be in the neighborhood.

Maybe add $10 (not $20) in interest.

That'd be super-kewl, even if she finds it an inconvenience.

I'd do it. It needs to be done.

[voice of reason]

34. restore the karmic balance

the weight removed from your chest will feel like life itself.

v.o.r.

[Liberal Christian]

37. If you have the money to pay them back

then you will not only feel as though you have paid the debt, but you will help the church to continue helping others as they helped you.

When I pastored a local church, we often gave money to people in need. Once in all that time, someone paid it back. I about fell over from astonishment. Then I put the money right back in the Discretionary Fund to help someone else.

If you're not comfortable giving it in person, by all means mail a contribution with a note. But I promise that if you take it back and give it to the priest who is currently serving there and tell him the story, you will absolutely make his day.

And if you are now in a place where you can repay the original amount with more, then that would be extra wonderful.

[hellhathnofury]

39. The peanut gallery has spoken...

Pay $40 you cheap schmuck...you owe 12 years worth of interest!

[Beaker]

40. make the trip, and take the kids.

it could be a good morality lesson for the kids, if you explain to them why you're doing it...(it's never too late to make things right, or something to that effect)
plus they get to see another part of the city.
and if you can spare $100, do it...otherwise $50 bucks would be nice.

[VOX]

42. Pay $100 if you can -- this is such a cool opportunity!

That priest saved your butt that day, and obviously his act of kindness made a deep impression on you. The fact that your wife doesn't get it is regretabble, but this is your deed to do, and in doing so, you can restore a kind of natural balance to your life.

You have a chance to make a small circle whole again -- do it, and do it with joy and gratitude.

Best to you, and thank the priest, whoever it may be now!

:toast:

[Rhiannon12866]

43. I agree. This has obviously weighed on your conscience

all these years. This is a chance to do a good deed and to get rid of some baggage once and for all.:-)

[Lindsey]

44. It really a matter of your personal code and personal integrity

to pay that money back. I agree that you should pay back $40. And look at it this way, maybe some other kids in a situations similar to yours will use the money. I think you'll regret it forever if you don't and it's only $40.

[jukes]

45. They might spend your twenty

annoying some innocents @ a clinic.



!Vaja con dios!

[LWolf]

46. Pay them back with interest.

Model integrity for your wife.

[alwynsw]

47. Go pay it with reasonable compound interest

$40 doesn't cover it.

[trof]

48. I like the "pay it forward" idea.

Pass the good deed along to someone in need.
Might do more good to an individual, like it did to you and your friends, than to dump it into some box to be done whatever with.