Menopause question (trying to do the right thing!!)

[Beer Snob-50]

My wife (47 yo) has started to go thru the change. IMO she has been going thru some wild mood swings and periods of depression. The one time I mentioned this to her, her answer was she is not it is all due to me and my sons lack of doing things to help around the house (to an extent we probably could have done more). This latest period has been going on three weeks now. At one point I gently asked what was bothering her and she told me I should know better because she has tokd me she hates her job, her friends are irriating her, money worries, and we don't do what we should. She was saying this as she was packing for an overnight with these same friends and she came back with bags of stuff she bought (knick knacks and the like).

My question is what should I be doing?

[NewWaveChick1981]

1. Pirate, she should see her doctor.

There is a test to determine the onset of menopause, and it will confirm whether or not it's starting. The doctor can suggest ways to deal with the inevitable mood swings, night sweats, etc. She may also be going through midlife passage/crisis/whatever you want to call it, either by itself or along with menopause. Either way, it's really tough for both the woman and her family. I have not gone through menopause myself, but I have two friends that have gone through it and have read a lot of literature on the subject.

This website may help her (and you): http://www.menopause.org/default.htm .

I hope that helps. Big hugs to both of you. :hug: :pals:

[Beer Snob-50]

2. thanks for the input!

i am trying not to be short with her but sometimes it has been very tough!!

again thanks,

[elehhhhna]

23. Heck, they sell mon-o-check at the drugstore! It's a pee-stick, like

a preg. test. Maybe tell her but don't just buy one & hand it to her, lol.

Also get off your butt and quit taking her for granted. Why should she be the maid?

[elehhhhna]

24. Heck, they sell mon-o-check at the drugstore! It's a pee-stick, like

a preg. test. Maybe tell her but don't just buy one & hand it to her, lol.

Also get off your butt and quit taking her for granted. Why should she be the maid?

[elehhhhna]

25. Heck, they sell mon-o-check at the drugstore! It's a pee-stick, like

a preg. test. Maybe tell her but don't just buy one & hand it to her, lol.

Also get off your butt and quit taking her for granted. Why should she be the maid?

[NMDemDist2]

3. menopause, it's a team sport

:rofl:

at least according to my husband. :evilgrin:

she should see her doc and look at some transitional assistance. I found the hormones made the moodiness worse while helping with the 'power surges'. I preferred the hot flashes

tell her you love her, buy her some soft hand type towels to wet and put around her neck when the flashes hit and ignore the rest the best you can.

if you want to get an idea what she's going through, take a mega dose of niacin. you'll have a lot more sympathy.

hang in there, it only lasts 5-6 years

:pals:

[Beer Snob-50]

4. 5-6 YEARS!!!!!

:wow: :scared:

I know I gotta try and ignore as best as I can. sometimes it is hard to take all the punches however when you are the one big punching bag!!

Thanks for the advice:

[GirlinContempt]

26. My mother has been going through menopause for 8 years.

Hell.
On.
Earth.

For everyone.

[CBHagman]

32. Just imagine how she feels!

I'm not saying that to razz you either; it really does look like the endless road when you're in the body that's having the...fun.

I think it was More magazine (which is directed at women over 40) ran the cover headline "Daughters in puberty, moms in menopause, dads in hell." :rofl:

Hang in there, bubbeleh. (Place pat on shoulder smiley here)

[Mugu]

10. My ladyfriend suffered the same effects with hormones.

Even in small doses she went from occasionally being difficult to completely impossible. There was just no getting along with her. She wanted to fight if you didn't agree with her. She wanted to fight if you said nothing. Hell, she wanted to fight if you agreed with her. She finally quit taking the hormones when she noticed that everybody (including her kids and me) were avoiding her.

Once she quit the hormones she quickly returned to normal, but the hot flashes were awful. I could actually feel her get warmer when I was sitting next to her and she would turn bright red. It's much better now, but she was just miserable for a while.

Regards, Mugu

[zanne]

11. I love the niacin bit!

So true!

[radfringe]

21. I'm not really getting the mood swings

yes, a bit irritable around the edges occassionally, no power surges either...

but OHHH BOY!!!! those night sweats.. had to get up twice in one night to change my t-shirt, soaking wet...

ennywho, started taking the over-counter stuff for menopause. helped me out, with the irritability and the night sweats

[Hell Hath No Fury]

5. Menopause...

is "offical" when a woman has gone 12 months without a period. Perimenopause is a lead-up time to menopause that can last up to ten years and be filled with sometimes serious mood disturbances, relationship strife, body changes, and general life upheaval.

If your wife is anything like me, everything is bugging the shit out of her -- my motto during those days was "if you're breathing, you're bothering me".

During peri I began to hate everyone around me and everything I was involved with. I had explosive rage outbursts. I suffered from massive depression and anxiety. I wanted to blow up everything in my life -- dump my job, my friends. Much of what I was feeling about things was completely irrational, but some of it was genuine -- it is a time in a woman's life for a complete evalution of what is and isn't working in her life.

I have been peri for 8 years now, with menopause nowhere in sight. What did the trick for me was getting on an antidepressant, getting into supportive therapy, and learning everything I could about what was happening to me -- knowledge is power.

As for what you can do, try not to take what is going on personally (I know, I know, impossible to do!). Learn everything you can about the radical hormonal change she is going through. Practice patience, patience, patience. Give her LOTS of personal space -- many women during this time experience a strong desire for being alone (this can also be easier on you :P). Make sure you are all eating healthy food and getting lots of sunshine and fresh air. Listen to her when she does want to vent -- don't offer solutions, just listen and say supportive things like, "I'm so sorry that happened," or "That's terrible, I can't believe they did that," -- statements that validate her expression. Finally, honestly look at what is saying when she answers you're questions about what is bugging her -- is it valid? If so, tell her she is right and make any neccessary adjustments. Will that make everything better? Probably not, but you still need to do it. :D

There is a great book by Christian Northrup about menopause that is must read for those going through it and their loved ones -- it talks in great detail about the physical and emotional changes a woman in going through -- I found it invaluable to finally understanding why I was feeling the way I did.

Also, there are some great sites for information and community -- one my my favorites is http://www.power-surge.com If I remember correctly, there is a forum for spouses -- that might be a great place for you to find support/ideas from other men going through what you are your wife are. Also, the site in general is full of personal peri/meno accounts, health advice, peri/meno solutions.

As hard as it is for you and those around your wife, just remember it is worse for her -- she's living with a storm inside her, 24/7, with no escape. :(

[Beer Snob-50]

6. thanks for the input

just a quick question, i made the mistake of mentioning mood swings at one point when i was really pissed. i was told at the time, "it ain't mood swings you are just doing things wrong!" was this your point of view also?

[Shine]

13. Great post and I completely agree w/ you about Northrup's book

It's outstanding. :thumbsup: I love the way she re-frames "hot flashes" to "power surges".

:hi:

[redqueen]

7. No idea...

I have a friend who's dealing with this and she just went on antidepressants... she's much happier now. :)

[Kashka-Kat]

8. Been there done that!

Her perceptions may be correct & valid - its her emotional reactions to those perceptions that are intensified and way out of proportion to what's happening. You can support her by not invaldiating her perceptions and working thru those issues with her ... you shouldnt have to be her emotional punching bag though... she needs to own her own biochemistry & not make it the fault of other people.

I myself had to quit sugar, caffeine & my usual high carb diet because it was greatly exaggerating the highs and lows (and my god those lows were reeeeeeally low). I also found a lot of value in doing intense therapy getting into where the emotions where coming from, what things in my past & in childhood were holding me back, and working thru those (a lot of RAGE - your classic midlife crisis!) Its possible to have a relationship with your s.o. where you can share those feelings in a safe nondestructive way.

[zanne]

9. I usually avoid threads like this like the plague, but...

I've been going through the same thing as your wife (if that's what it is). With me, I think it's a combination of things that can make me irritated with my husband. One is that we've been married for a long time (28 years), and we're getting older. That can make anyone a bit irritable. "Romance" isn't exactly a thing of the past, but it's definitely lacking now.

As we all get older, it gets a little harder to care for a house and children. This is where the husband comes in. (Hint, hint). I get resentful now if I'm working around the house and my husband is just sitting there.

I know that men tend to want to "solve" problems in a hurry. Whenever my husband asks me what's wrong, I tell him and he wants to "solve" it right away. Here's another hint; sometimes women like to vent and don't want you to "solve" the probem.

I'm glad you're thinking about it, regardless. It shows that you're trying. You just might have to deal with it for awhile, and you might have to ask yourself some questions about your behavior, too. Sorry about that!

[Beer Snob-50]

14. I do know what you are saying

and i realize i have my faults also (tiny ones only!!) i have been trying a little harder to anticipate what needs to be done and get it done. sometimes it is hard when we haven't had to do that in the past and knowing what needs to be done.

thanks for the input

[Beer Snob-50]

15. I do know what you are saying

and i realize i have my faults also (tiny ones only!!) i have been trying a little harder to anticipate what needs to be done and get it done. sometimes it is hard when we haven't had to do that in the past and knowing what needs to be done.

thanks for the input

[PassingFair]

16. Do you work outside the home?

Does she?

[Beer Snob-50]

17. both of us do nt

[JVS]

12. Move out

[Sequoia]

18. Clean the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry

and give her some roses and ice cream. Those little chores can be overwhelming at this point. Quite times and coolness help too.

[Sequoia]

19. Clean the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry

and give her some roses and ice cream. Those little chores can be overwhelming at this point. Quite times and coolness help too.

[Sequoia]

20. Clean the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry

and give her some roses and ice cream. Those little chores can be overwhelming at this point. Quite times and coolness help too.

[Sanity Claws]

22. Alternative medical help

I've had some of those problems and didn't want to take hormones. I also didn't like the antidepressants -- they made me tight-chested, kind of anxious, just not right.
I tried naturopathic help and got phytoestrogens. They are derived from plants and safer than hormones. They helped at first but as I've progressed along, I found I needed something else. Now I'm having acupuncture once a month and taking Chinese herbs. I really feel like myself again. I strongly advise Traditional Chinese Medicine for this kind of medical problem.

[laylah]

27. Educate yourself

about what she is experiencing, when she is acting all crazy, just nod and smile, ignore it when she is unreasonable, hold her when she cries for no apparent reason, tell her she is still as beautiful to you as she was when you first got together, etc. Most importantly, as I told my husband, never forget that menopausal women have been known to kill their young, eat their mate, and get by with it :evilgrin:

[Missy Vixen]

28. I'm 47

I'm in the "perimenopause" stage, or (as I call it,) the "wonder years". Let's just say that I know I am crankier and harder to live with. My husband is coping admirably thus far. Plus, there's another side effect that is causing problems, but would get the thread instantly locked if I posted it here.

I don't know what your situation is right now, but it might be nice if you bought your wife a massage for Valentine's Day, or some other experience or thing that made her feel cherished and important to you, and that she'd never do for herself. (How about a housecleaner every two weeks for the next few months?) Of course, this is IMHO. Even going out with the girlfriends sometimes doesn't help, so you may have to do a little detective work. I don't think there's any woman on the face of the planet that doesn't like feeling cherished and loved, though.

Julie

[intaglio]

29. My mother and sister went the HRT route

(Hormone Replacement Therapy) both knew the dangers (both nurses) and both said - "we'd rather have a better quality of life"

[noamnety]

30. I think the absolute worst thing to do

is to tell her - especially in a moment of anger - that's she's being irrational or having mood swings due to menopause. Even if it's true.

It's just not constructive. It's something for you to reflect on maybe, but it kind of gets interpreted in a pissed off woman's head as "you're hysterical because you're female."

If she's just starting, it's new for her as well, and it's going to take some time before she's self-aware enough to recognize it. It took me a few years to recognize PMS for what it was, and to get to where I could feel it coming on, and just announce, you know, I'm in a bad mood, I need to just go away and chill for awhile. I doubt your external analysis is going to make her get to that self-realization any quicker. It might make her defensive to the point where when she goes into denial, or when she does start to recognize it, she won't be willing to discuss it with you because nobody likes to have to deal with a potential "I told you so" situation.

Maybe instead you could suggest some joint activities that help deal with stress, like signing up together for a yoga class, or paying for yoga classes for her as a birthday gift, if it seems like something she'd be into. And you know, help out around the house some if you are guilty there, because it shows you appreciate her instead of treating her like your maid.

[yellowcanine]

31. Hmm. Every woman is a little different and it is going to play into other bad stuff that

might be going on. If it is really starting to mess with your relationship I would focus on that and suggest it might be time for the two of you to see a marriage counselor. Also, it doesn't hurt to notch up the romance a little - and I don't mean sex though if it leads to that it is a bonus of course. Valentine's Day, birthday, Friday night all should be seen as opportunities to let her know how special she is to you.

[China_cat]

33. Hiding in a closet.

Think pms, not just once a month but every day, all day.

Yes, she needs to see a doctor. But even with a doctor, you're going to be wrong no matter what you do or how you do it until she evens out. My sister's husband made himself a room in the basement with a door that locked. Of course he got a double dose...wife going through the change, daughter just starting to get her periods and all the hormones that entails.

This advice is brought to you by a woman who's been there and made life miserable. I'm lucky my husband just knew how and when to duck and we are now married 34 years.

Good luck. You'll need it.