My Grandma's moving to Quaker Gardens tomorrow.

[Bertha Venation]

Less than a month after my father's wake-up call, he and his wife are taking Grandma to her new home, Quaker Gardens (assisted living/nursing), tomorrow.

Grandma is 87 and while her physical health is generally good, she suffers from dementia. Dad's wake-up call was when my eldest sister, Bonnie, told him that Grandma had tried to turn on the light in the kitchen by turning on the stove.

Yesterday, Bonnie retrieved photos and other mementos from Grandma's house, while Chette (my other sister) and her daughter went shopping for a whole new wardrobe for her, along with a stuffed cat to be her "baby." (Grandma has an orange cat that she can't take, but she also has stuffed animals -- her "babies" -- that are too filthy even to be laundered.)

Our family is suffering from sorrow and guilt, even though we know that this is the best thing for Grandma.

Have you ever been in this situation? Will you tell me about it, please? Thanks.

See this archived thread for original post.

[Hoosier Democrat]

1. I've been there, too...

It is not an easy decision to make. The same thing happened to my grandmother. While she was physically healthy, dementia had made it impossible for her to live on her own anymore. The decision caused our family a lot of guilt for a long time.

Looking back, we had no other realistic decision. It was finally a question of Grandma's safety. She was a stubborn gal and refused to move out of the neighborhood she had grown up in, despite the fact that it had gone to hell. One day, she decided to walk to the corner store (she never owned a car). Problem was, the store had been closed for more than ten years.

You're doing the right thing, no matter how upset you may be now. Furnish her new home with as many mementos as you can from her old one. it will make her more comfortable. Also, if she eventually "settles" into a particular era, play along. Buy some CDs for her of period music or try to watch old TV shows with her. Don't try to correct her, as it will only upset her.

For example, my grandmother's dementia had taken her back to about 1940. On my visits, she would tell me about how tired she was from spending all afternoon at Church packing CARE packages for refugees in Europe (she never left the nursing home that day) or how she needed to go check on her mother (who died in 1939). Most disconcerting for me was that she came to believe that I was her younger brother who was killed in World War II. Her grandson had ceased to exist, but she loved visiting with "her Tony". I tried to play along as best as I could and it made her happy.

It will be rough, there will be times you cry. But don't guilt yourself. Better o have grandma safe and enjoying her last years in her own world than to die in a tragic accident at home.

[nini]

2. My Dad had to put my Step Mom in a home for the same reason

It was heartbreaking to leave her with 'strangers'. But the nature of alzheimers made that the only alternative as she needed to be monitored 100% of the time.

It was hard to go see her with all the people wandering around, but it got easier when we began to acknowledge anyone there that needed a hello. My step mom didn't always recognize us though she knew she should. It got to the point that she didn't want to be bothered with our visits :-) because she was too busy racing others down the halls (she was a marathon runner and hated to sit still :-)

Our visits became less frequent as my father started to fail then die. She died about 8 weeks after my Dad. Even though she couldn't remember much, I believe she died of a broken heart after my Dad quit showing up.

It's a horrible disease. You did the right thing in keeping her safe. She will adjust and be fine. Just keep checking on her. The staff at those places always give a bit better care to those patients they know the families will be around alot.

:hug: Grandma will always love you for taking good care of her.

[madrchsod]

3. i know what you are

going thru. my grandmothers both went to homes. it`s really tough but you know it`s for the best for her and your family. my advice is that you and your family visit her as much as possible,maybe set up a loose schedule of times each person can visit, this way you can check on her condition and how the staff is taking care of her. it`s not easy but it`s what life has dealt you and your family i guess it`s how you handle it. from what i gather you guys will do your best.she must be a grand woman to have raised a family such as yours...

[Fenris]

4. Dementia is such a sad way to go

My great grandmother was in a nursing home after her Alzheimers got too severe for her to live on her own. She was well taken care of there. I don't remember much of her, only that she spoke French in her final years because, as is sometimes the case with the disease, she regressed back to her early childhood (being a Cajun, her mother tongue was French).

Now my grandmother is starting to show signs of a similar, if not the same, illness. That pains me. I love my gran and the last thing I want is for her to disappear and be replaced by a sterile being.

Much love and good luck to you Bertha.

[grannylib]

5. In the situation of considering it for my mom right now; Dad died a few

weeks ago, and while Mom is not in the greatest of health (Sjogren's syndrome and non-systemic Lupus) and is 82, she wants to stay home. But she lights candles and forgets about them, or puts things on the stove and wanders off to play the piano and sing and spaces out, and she has fallen before (while Dad was alive) so we worry about that kind of thing...
My brother lives just a mile away from her (I'm 100 miles away) so he checks on her 3 times a day and I stay with her when he's traveling and other times to give him a break, but it's hard...we don't want to uproot her if we don't have to (we moved them to be near my brother a couple years ago, out of the town they'd lived in for 40+ years) but we want her to be safe...and she says she'll go to assisted living "so I won't have to worry about you worrying about me." I don't want her to go if she would be miserable, and for that reason; we are going to try the "Lifeline" thing and some regularly scheduled phone calls to try to keep her at home, but it's still a risk...
We would just feel really bad moving her if there was any possible way to let her stay in her home...Dad wanted to stay there and die at home instead of going to hospital/hospice and we were able to do that, and I think she wants to be able to do the same (she is convinced that she is soon to follow Dad, and I fear she may subconsciously jeopardize her health just to make that happen)
I have asked her to please come and live with us, and my brother has done the same; he has also offered to sell her house and buy for her either one of the homes she used to live in back in our former hometown (they are both for sale at the moment) but she does not want to move again, anywhere...
So we'll see, sorry to ramble, but I know your difficulties/guilts on this issue and my heart goes out to you and yours as you deal with this...
Blessings to you and your Dad and your Grandma; as long as you do what you do in love and care and concern, my heart tells me that it will work out the way it is intended to, although that may not be the way of our choosing, if you know what I mean...God can bring some amazing things out of the most unlikely and seemingly miserable circumstances!!
:hug:

[Wickerman]

6. We had to put Grandma in a home

I lived 1,000 miles away and was hearing really scarry stories. I finally called my uncle who lived in town and looked after her and asked him if what I was hearing was true. He described it, but minimalized it. I told him it was dementia. They took her to a Dr and she had vascular dementia - acts like Alzheimer's, but is what we used to call hardening of the arteries.

It was sad and we hated to, but we put her in a nursing home. It seemed like the best available, but it turned out not to be the best place for her. We moved her after a year. The auction of her property was tough, the visits are tough, she wasn't coherent most of the time and was comabtive - but there is no way she should've been alone.

She is gone now - I miss her, but I rmember her as the strong, tough, and loving Grandma she was, not the woman in ht enursing home.

Good luck, you're doing the right thing.

[Don_G]

7. I Had A Mom That Had A Stroke

The second hardest thing I had to do was to move back home to keep an eye on her.

The most difficult was to explain to my grandmother how and why her oldest daughter died.

You're taking the best possible care of someone you love very much and making certain that someone can keep an eye on her where you can't.

[Bertha Venation]

8. thanks to all

for your stories, your advice, and your prayers and warm wishes. Your responses have helped. I'll post an update tomorrow evening or later, let everyone know how it went.

[Lostmessage]

9. Who's taking her Cat?

Sometimes we have to make decisions that we feel bad about that are better for the person that we care for.

My Dad is getting to that point and it's going to be hard to put him into a home because he has a cat that he loves dearly.

He will leave his apartment and come back 6 hours later and he won't remember where he has been or why he went out in the first place.

I took care of my Mom for years and I am sorry but I had to put him into a senior care facility because he gets violent.

Your grandma will be safe but you need to do one thing. Please visit her!