What is your favorite article on The Onion?

[FunBobbyMucha]

I can't post a link because of my work computer, but I will always love the one in which God holds a press conference, post-9/11: "Let Me say this one more time, please pay attention: Thou Shall NOT Kill." It was, like the best of that site, heartbreaking and funny as hell.

Second up might be an out-of-favor Marilyn Manson going door-to-door in a suburban neighborhood, "shocking" Middle America with his wacky brand of Satanist/Goth/Metal. In no time, soccer moms are politely asking him to remove his upside-down cruxifix from the cul-de-sac, etc.

The Onion. Like The Daily Show, able to produce better journalism through parody than the real thing.

[vi5]

1. The whole post 9/11 issue was stellar....

It really struck exactly the right tone, sticking to the absurdity of the obvious rather than resorting to maudlin sentimentality in any way.

The whole article about how the attackers were duped and didn't find themselves in heaven with the promised virgins was just brilliant writing.

I also liked the article from years ago "Homoeroticism is the order of the day at Gun Show".

[GOPisEvil]

5. "Holy Fucking Shit" was the best post-9/11 banner!!

Totally captured the feelings I had...

[Bertha Venation]

18. GOD yes. Best banner I've ever seen on the internet.

It was PERFECT. I emailed it to everyone I know (everyone with a sense of humor, that is.)

[skippysmom]

9. post 9/11 was great

I liked the TV listings.

For example, CBS:
8-9 Dan Rather's 77th straight hour on the air
9-10 Dan Rather seriously loses his shit
10-11 Medicating Dan Rather

Or public access, which was showing "Extremely Uninformed Debate".

[MissMillie]

2. Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia

http://www.theonion.com/onion2816/vowels2816.html

[TheMightyFavog]

3. In my Opinion,

The quality of The Onion's satire has gone downhill a little bit ever since they moved their headquarters from Madison to NYC.

[bif]

27. I agree. Not nearly as funny as it used to be

Have you ever checked out ironictimes.com? Funny newspaper parody.

[Burma Jones]

4. I used to love T. Herman Zweibel's column

But he is now lost in space.

[TheMightyFavog]

7. Yeah..

He was one of the casualties of The Onion's move to New York.

[Shakespeare]

6. National Funk Congress Deadlocked on Get Up/Get Down Issue

Best Onion piece EVER.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3539/national_funk_congress.html

Here are a few snips (please put down any beverages before reading):

CHOCOLATE CITY—After months of ceaseless debate, including last week's record 76-hour filibuster slap-bass solo from Senate Rubber Band Minority Leader Bootsy Collins (D-OH), the National Funk Congress is no closer to resolving its deadlock over the controversial "get up/get down" issue, insiders reported Monday.

"The time has come to face facts: To move forward, we've got to get on up, and stay on the scene, like a sex machine," said Brick House Majority Leader James Brown (G-GA), one of getting on up's most vocal supporters. "Say it loud: Only when we have gotten up offa that thing will we, as a nation, finally get back on the good foot."

Upon learning of Brown's remarks, Downocratic leaders openly questioned his commitment to getting up. Said Robert "Kool" Bell, a top-ranking Brick House Downocrat: "It is a well-known fact that Brown has, on many past occasions, urged his supporters to get down with they bad selves. In response to his inconsistent voting record and history of waffling on this crucial issue, we will not rest until every American, as is their birthright, has gotten down."

"You got to get down," Bell added. "Hyuh!"

more....

And in honor of Bootsy's mention in the story, this lovely photo from last night's Grammys:

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

8. I love the "God gives props to his homies" one

I have the link around here somewhere!

[terrya]

10. "60 Foot Girl Forces Playthings Cheney and Rumsfeld to Marry"

I was laughing like a loon when I read this!

/www.theonion.com/onion3926/giant_girl.html

:-)

Terry

[snippy]

11. I have always liked this one. As time goes by I like it more and more.

Published just prior to Bush's inauguration, it has proven to be remarkably prescient.

. . .

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."
. . .

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.
. . .

Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.
. . .

Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.

"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and defeat it."
. . .

http://www.theonion.com/onion3701/bush_nightmare.html

[BiggJawn]

26. That and the "Props to Mah Homees" one

Missed the step-by-step on how to flog the dog, though....Wonder if I'd learn anything?
:7

[Loonman]

12. Clinton Threatens To Drop Da Bomb

http://www.theonion.com/onion3307/clintondropsdabomb.html

[CanuckAmok]

13. Sting's Op-Ed Piece: "Do You Remember-I Used to be Cool"

Also "My Teddy Bear Collection Fucking Rules"

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

14. The "Bush Twins Wetlands" one and the "Hijackers in Hell" one

Clinton Deploys Vowels was funny as fsck too.

[Thomas Servo]

15. My Dogg Herman Kornfield!

Down with the dope!

[nuxvomica]

16. When I saw the subject line, I thought of the post-9/11 PC by God

I've sent that to people saying it was the best commentary anyone published about 9/11 so soon after the event.

Also, I thought the story about Christopher Hitchens and his common-law wife was one of the funniest.

[AngryAmish]

17. "Why do these homesexuals keep sucking my cock?"

http://www.theonion.com/onion3604/why_do_all_these.html

"I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic boots?"

[ronnykmarshall]

21. I love that one

that one and the 9/11 "Holy Fucking Shit" are the best.

[Liberal Veteran]

22. South Postphones Rising Again For Yet Another Year

HUNTSVILLE, AL—For the 135th straight year since Gen. Robert E. Lee's surrender at Appomattox, representatives for the South announced Monday that the region has postponed plans to rise again.

[Lizz612]

19. Thats what I was thinking!

I have that one bookmarked. I find myself quoting that article in religious debates and they all look at me like I'm off my rocker.Who quotes the onion in serious debates? Me thats who.

[Shakespeare]

20. Another: Kid Rock Starves to Death; MP3 Piracy Blamed

LOS ANGELES—MP3 piracy of copyrighted music claimed another victim Monday, when the emaciated body of rock-rap superstar Kid Rock was found on the median of La Cienega Boulevard.

"How many more artists must die of starvation before we put a stop to this MP3 madness?" asked Hilary Rosen, president of the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). "MP3s of Kid Rock's music were so widely traded and downloaded by Napster users that he was driven back to the mean streets from whence he came, dying bankrupt and penniless in the gutter."

When found by police, the 28-year-old Kid Rock, born Bob Ritchie in Detroit, was still clutching the cardboard "Devil Without A Place To Sleep Or Anything To Eat" sign that had been his trademark ever since the rise of Napster's MP3-sharing software bankrupted him in January.

[mac56]

23. my all time favorite

http://www.theonion.com/onion3401/woodlandpals.html

Woodland Pals Hold Impromptu Oompah-Band Jamboree

THE WOODS—An estimated 15 woodland animals gathered for an improvised oompah-band jamboree Monday.

Performing in a pasture just outside the forest in which they live, the "Woodland Pals," as the creatures are known, put on a rollicking musical performance characterized by whimsical merriment and irrepressible mischief.

(snip)

News of the Woodland Pals' jamboree quickly spread throughout the nation's zoological community, which was electrified by the discovery of animals that possess artistic impulses and reasoning skills — qualities long believed solely the domain of humans.

"Until now, there had never existed proof that lower-order mammals were capable of performing music," University of Florida zoologist Lynn Sontag said. "Truly, this is the most remarkable case of aberrant animal behavior since Douglas Duck's birthday party in 1986."

(snip)

"These creatures are undoubtedly mammals and birds," said Dr. Russell Frehling, a professor of zoology at Northwestern University. "But their anatomies are radically different from those of most quadrupeds. The fox and goat, for example, seem to consist of nothing more than a series of circles and tubes which squash and stretch as they move. The creatures may represent some sort of bizarre evolutionary throwback, though nothing in the fossil record seems to support such a theory."

Added Frehling: "I am confident that I speak for my colleagues when I say that capturing and dissecting one of these Woodland Pals should be our top priority."

(snip)

[11 Bravo]

24. A few years ago they ran a step-by-step how to masturbate

article for teenage boys. Hilarious!

[midnight armadillo]

25. Jesus plays in the NBA

That was my all time favorite, but I haven't been able to find the issue # and date for that one in years.

[brainwashed_youth]

28. gigli article

When they did an article about how a focus group had to come up with the best way to kill Jlo and Ben Affleck at the end of Gigli. I have never laughed so hard in my life.

[bif]

29. "Area Bass Player Fellated"

Was one of my faves.

[slackmaster]

30. South Postpones Rising for Yet Another Year

On edit: Found link and corrected the title

http://www.theonion.com/onion3613/south_postpones.html

[ewagner]

31. In the 9/11 issue

Thge sub-headline: President Pleads with Nation's Ballad Singers for Restraint"

It was dead, center accurate...............