An expression or phrase that never fails to crack you up?

[bif]

Mine is: "I'm getting more ass than a toilet seat."

[unpossibles]

1. that boy is about as sharp as a sack full of wet mice

wet mice, I say!

[underpants]

2. Pretty much anything to do with replicants

:rofl:

[Fire Walk With Me]

30. Damnit, it's an IMPORTANT SUBJECT!

I want my action figures to be as accurate as possible. Don't you?

[Ediacara]

3. The least interesting class I ever took was metamorphic petrology

In that class, we talk a great deal about an important mineral that's very indicative of the metamorphic facies etc, and on and on. The name of that mineral?

CUMMINGTONITE

Absolutely, positively never fails to get me laughing. It was the only thing that made met-pet bearable.

[rug]

15. Is that the active ingredient in Viagra?

[SallyMander]

21. ...

:spray:

[woo me with science]

31. ROFLMAO!

Oh my god that is fantastic.

[Fox Mulder]

36. That was one of my favorite geology classes.

I absolutely hated Structural Geology. :puke:

[PVnRT]

49. ...and it has perfect cleavage

[CreekDog]

Anything said by Dan Dierdorf (i.e. "He's not the brightest tool in the shed")

still better than Dennis Miller.

[buzzard]

24. Or the coldest beer in the fridge.

[kwassa]

4. Between you, me, and the lamp post.

Uncle Arthur.

[DS1]

5. creative uses of douche and knob

as in douchehammer from athsmaticeog or knobcobbler by yours truly


shitwhistles being used for the squirts is another fav

[Cabcere]

59. Don't be such a doucheknob.

:P :hi:

[NewJeffCT]

6. spit or swallow

:rofl:

[MrCoffee]

7. "Cram it with walnuts, ugly!"

Homer J. Simpson

[fizzgig]

37. yes!

:rofl:

it's an oft-use expression for me

[Cabcere]

8. I'm a fourth-year anthropology major, so I should really, really be beyond this...

...but "Homo erectus" still makes me giggle like a fourth-grader. :eyes: :blush: :shrug:

[ThomCat]

29. Isn't that an awesome name for a gay club?

:P

[Cabcere]

58. LOL!

That's pretty damn brilliant. :rofl: :applause:

How're you doing, Thom? :hug: I kicked the scooter thread in GD, but unfortunately I'm pretty broke right now so that's about all I could do. :( I've been thinking about you, though, and I hope everything works out for you - you are an amazing person and deserve the best! :pals:

[Dr. Strange]

9. pickle shit

I really don't use it anywhere enough.

[CreekDog]

10. "As a whole..."

because I always think they are calling somebody a bad name (on the down low) when they use that phrase in a sentence.

I started thinking this after reading an Edward Abbey essay where Abbey gets into a fictional argument with someone in Utah (that I'm remembering from memory as best as I can):

Abbey: well who do you represent?

other guy: Utah

Abbey: Utah as a whole?

other guy: yes, Utah as a whole.

I have no idea if that was intended to be what I thought it was, but it sure is funnier and coming from Abbey not unlikely.

[Kutjara]

11. "He/she has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle." n/t

[bif]

19. Nice one! I'll have to remember that.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

12. "Vote for me, and all your wildest dreams will come true."

[Greyskye]

13. Asian woodcarver

:hide:

[conscious evolution]

14. Olive Garden

[zabet]

16. ...

Grinnin' like a jackass
eatin' briars.

Shinin' like a diamond in
a goat's ass.

[Xipe Totec]

17. You have the right to remain silent

Use it.

[Richardo]

18. On the golf course: "Ball washer"

Every group I've ever been with sounds like an extended sample from 'Beavis and Butthead': "You said ball washer." "A-huhuhuhuhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuuhuh."

I laugh too.

[Kat45]

33. I remember that episode.

It was a riot. Sometimes my friend and I, who used to watch that show together, start doing the B&B laughing and saying "You said... whenever we see or hear a word that would cause them to do that. We'll be doing it in Home Depot when we walk by the wood or in a deli when we see wieners. :D

[Wapsie B]

20. He's about as worthless as nuts on a priest.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

22. As useless as cold diarrhea in a dixie cup.

[rurallib]

23. she was so ugly that ewhen she was a kid they hung a porkchop

on her neck to get the dog to play with her.

[Arugula Latte]

25. He's nuttier than squirrel poop. nt

[Reverend_Smitty]

26. Sweatin' like a hooker in church

[MilesColtrane]

27. Hunter Thompson referring to one of his enemies as a "greasy pig fucker". n/t

[av8rdave]

28. Several

He/she is a waste of gravity

he/she is a slow leak

dumber than a small soapdish

dumber than a month old oyster fart

sharp as a bowling ball

couldn't find his own ass with both hands

[ThomCat]

32. "S/he is a total waste of sperm"

And the version I've always used of that last one is "Couldn't find his own ass with both hands and a map."
:P

[av8rdave]

48. "Couldn't find his own ass with both hands and a map."

:rofl:

[Arkansas Granny]

57. Around here that expression goes "Couldn't find his ass with his

hands in his back pockets".

[Hatchling]

34. "Open Trench" signs.

I mean really, have you ever seen a closed trench?

[chknltl]

35. Neighbor-Blight and Windfall Profits (Farmer expressions)

Neighbor Blight refers to what happens when folks sneak into your crop and help themselves to a little. Neighbor Blighted corn is quite common. A sturdy electric fence is often good prevention against Neighbor Blight.

Windfall Profits are sprouts which just mysteriously got mixed in to the farmer's crop or field. Generally those seeds were blown there from elsewhere. Unwanted wheat sprouting in a potato field for instance could be called Windfall Profits.

Like Neighbor Blight, Windfall Profits are rarely a good thing.

[Skittles]

38. dumb as a bag of hammers

yes INDEED

[TZ]

39. dumber than a box of rocks

My stepfather's favorite saying....

[Fire Walk With Me]

40. "A complete waste of blood and hair" or "Can the balloon juice!"

[Maraya1969]

41. Upon waking in the morning...........

"My teeth feel like they're wearing little fur jackets"

[TrogL]

42. Batshit

[Amerigo Vespucci]

43. "Beat you like a red-headed stepchild"

:toast:

[Fire Walk With Me]

44. What do you think, Mr. Hat?

:rofl:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

45. my possibles. n/t

[Kucinich4America]

46. "Democratic Leadership Council"

I guess they might be a council, but the other two words sure as Hell don't apply.

[BulletproofLandshark]

47. "Useless as tits on a bull"

[Rambis]

50. U R messin with a 165 gallon drum of whipass

x

[Blue_Tires]

51. for whatever reason, i can't say "Whitey Ford" without giggling like a schoolgirl

[montanto]

52. Balzac! nt

[seemunkee]

53. Nailing 95 thesis to the door

Always takes me back to a National Lampoon cartoon of Martin Luther nailing 95 feces to a church door.

[Cabcere]

62. The first time I heard someone say that, I really thought it was the other one.

:blush: And I was all like, "Wouldn't that be hard (and gross) to do?" :shrug: :rofl:

[murielm99]

54. Signs that say,

Slow children playing." Slow children, as opposed to fast children?

[EnviroBat]

55. She's got one great fart locker on her...

[youthere]

56. "He couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. "

[mikeytherat]

60. "That's really frosts my balls." My MOTHER'S favorite expression.

It explains a lot about me. It really does.

mikey_the_rat

[mikeytherat]

61. "Couldn't find his ass with both hands, a flashlight, and assistance."

mikey_the_rat

[calico1]

63. Two french fries short of a Happy Meal n/t

[Cabcere]

64. A few that I saw on a different message board a few years ago

from a poster who developed some very creative insults by pairing certain body parts with breakfast foods:

- twat waffle
- ass bagel
- scrotum toast

:rofl: Yeah, call me immature, but I thought it was hilarious. And useful. :P

[jakefrep]

65. "Tougher than wang leather"

nt

[Bucky]

66. Astronomers have discovered dark rings around Uranus.

The classics never age.

[SKKY]

67. His/Her face looks like someone lit it on fire...

...and then put it out with an ice pick.

[Cabcere]

68. S/he doesn't know sh*t from apple butter

S/he doesn't know her/his ass from a hole in the ground. :) Both favorite expressions of my dad.

[Sock Puppet]

69. "hotties"

I dunno why. People just sound kind of stupid when they say it.

[Inchworm]

70. buttcrack, buttcrack, buttcrack

it just tickles me for some reason. :rofl:

:hi:buttcrack:hi:

[Richard Steele]

71. Apparently, "neck stabbin' fork":

After almost 24 hours, it's still making me chuckle:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=132&topic_id=4074899&mesg_id=4075484

[ceile]

72. "Baby's arm, man...baby's arm"

Or
"doodoo elf": the doodoo elf hits you on the head and shits in your mouth after a long night at the bar
Or
"Can you believe it, Joseph?!" (must be said with a thick Tex-Mex accent) This was said to my friend Joseph (obviously) after word got around campus that Selena had been shot. It became the "incredulous" expression that my group of friends used. Like when Bush was elected a second time....

[YankeyMCC]

73. "Bob's your uncle"

It's an expression I've heard colleagues in England use and I'm not totally sure how to use it properly or what it means, though I've had it 'explained' a couple of times. Something about indicating something will be done or finished just fine after listing the tasks. Doesn't matter it always comes at unexpected times and cracks me up.

[Turbineguy]

74. "As much class

as a sneaker full of shit"

"As fucked up as a soup sandwich"