A couple weeks ago, I miscarried my baby

[Nikia]

At the end of my first trimester.
I think that I'll be alright, but I avoided posting about it (or anything on this website) until now and skipped out on my volunteer work without calling (where they all knew about my pregnancy) because I feel like some kind of failure because of it. I have found out though that miscarriage is more common than I thought, but yet few people talk about it.

[auntAgonist]

1. I'm so sorry for

the loss of your baby. I too miscarried many years ago. It was almost as if no one wanted to acknowledge that I'd ever been pregnant and that hurt a lot.

My heart goes out to you and yours for this sad loss. You have to mourn. People have to allow you that time to grieve.

:hug:

You did NOT fail.

aA

[Nikia]

28. Thank you for your kind words n/t

[KitchenWitch]

2. I am sorry for your loss.

:hug:

[Pale Blue Dot]

3. My first wife miscarried our first try.

Without that miscarriage, my wonderful, beautiful son Kevin would not be here today.

I know that this is very tough now, but I promise that it will all make sense to you later.

As hard as it was for me, it was much harder on my ex-wife. Yet I doubt she would change the outcome today for a billion dollars.

:hug: Hang in there. I promise it's going to be OK.

[undeterred]

4. I'm sorry.

I've heard that one in three pregnancies miscarry. Some people don't tell anyone until they are farther along because of that. Its not a failure, though I'm sure everyone feels that way. Its just natures way, I guess. I hope that you have a successful pregnancy next time. :hug:

[Nikia]

29. I hope that I have a successful pregnancy too

I worry, of course, about whether or not it will happen again, but having been pregnant for a while and thinking that I would have a baby makes me really want to have a baby.
Part of me wishes that I had not told other people that I was pregnant, but my pregnany wasn't nothing to me and now I am trying to deal with my loss.

[peacefreak]

5. I'm so sorry.

It happened to me, too. There are many reasons why it happens. Please don't be too hard on yourself.:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

I'm so sorry, Nikia.

You are not a failure. I know that women often feel that way (both of my sisters did when they miscarried), but neither of them did anything wrong, and I believe that is the case with you, too.

Please accept my condolences. :hug:

[Nikia]

31. Thank you for your kind words

Intellectually, I know that is true. It tried so hard to do the right things. Unfortunately, my baby was probably doomed from the moment it was conceived because of some genetic flaws that prevented it from developing properly. Emotionally though, it is harder to really believe this.

[SeattleGirl]

52. I know.

Emotions can sometimes be our enemy, in that they can ruthlessly beat us to pieces.

I sincerely hope that your pain eases over time, and that someday, you will have a beautiful baby.

[Haole Girl]

6. Please don't blame yourself

:hug:

I found this link for you: http://www.epigee.org/fetal/coping.html

[Nikia]

30. Thanks for the link n/t

[FloridaJudy]

7. I'm sorry for your loss

Don't feel like a failure. It just happens. Most times there's nothing wrong with you: it's just a pregnancy that didn't "take" for reasons beyond anyones's control.

:hug:

[Mike03]

8. Nikia, my heart goes out to you.

This is a very sad and emotional experience, and until very recently there was almost no support or respect for someone who had been through what you are going through.

Fortunately, the health industry understands now how painful this is, and there are some helpful things available to people in your position.

Hugs and love to you!!!!

[RadiationTherapy]

9. I hope you will recover well and soon. n/t

[huskerlaw]

10. Nikia, I'm so sorry

2 of my sisters had miscarriages. One, very early in her pregnancy, the other at about the same point you were. They both went on to have three healthy kids.

Please don't give up or blame yourself. Nothing that you did caused your miscarriage. Thank you for talking about it, I'm sure you will help other people who have or are going through the same thing.

:hug:

[Mike03]

11. There is more support now than there used to be.

Whatever you are feeling now is totally normal.

It is a very serious event to lose a pregnancy. Whatever you are experiencing or going through is not your imagination, nor is it worse or different than others who go through this.

I'm so sorry, and my prayers and love are with you.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. Oh, that's so sad

but I bet if you tell your fellow volunteers, you'll find that some of the other women have had miscarriages, too. :hug:

[seemunkee]

13. I'm very sorry

:hug:
You are not a failure. This was beyond your control.

[Mike03]

14. This is one of those rare Lounge threads that I would vote up and rec....

This is a really important subject. And nobody pays attention to this, except for some very unique groups that are in the phase I test phase of helping people with these kind of issues.

[Nikia]

32. I agree having found that miscarriage is a common experience in women's lives

Until it happened to me, I never thought much about it because of the silence.

[bridgit]

15. That is a great sadness, Nikia, please accept our condolences...

:hug:

[Mike03]

16. If you want to cross post this in other forums, please do.

It is so touching and helpful to others who have been through this.

Thank you for your courage in posting this.

[lost-in-nj]

17. I have never had to go through this....

My Mom.... she had 4 miscarriages...
My sister.... 2

my SIL- 2



Nikia


:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
I was there
in different capacities for each of them....

oh hon......



lost

[Nikia]

34. Thank you for having been there for your relatives

I am sure that your support meant a lot to each of them and your post means a lot to me as well.

[Arugula Latte]

18. I am so sorry. I know this probably won't reassure you, but

miscarriage is unbelievably common. I had one between my first and second babies. My mom had one before my older sister was born. My sister had one between her first and second babies. I have several friends who have also had at least one miscarriage.

I know that feeling of profound disappointment, when your excited anticipation turns to mourning ... I do think people should talk about it more.

:hug:

On edit: One thing that helped me was thinking about it as a process of nature. Most likely something had gone haywire with the embryo's development. That happens in nature -- frequently. Not to be heartless, but if the embryo/fetus wasn't viable, it's better for find out in the first trimester.

[Nikia]

36. I have found out how common it is

I had thought that I was far enough along that I was safe, but it turns out that many happen at my stage too.
It felt so strange to go from talking about how things would be for my baby and doing things to ensure a healthy pregnancy to not being pregnant anymore. It happened right before Christmas when we were going to tell our parents and we ended up telling them that I had been pregnant but miscarried instead.
They told me at the hospital that my baby had not been viable, that it wouldn't have turned into a full term baby even if they had somehow managed to keep me pregnant. Still, I had already become rather attatched and had hopes and dreams for her/him.

[GreenPartyVoter]

19. I am so sorry *hugs* I lost 2, possibly 3, in my their first trimesters as well. But I now have

2 beautiful boys, one of whom was a "surprise" so my body seemed to get past its miscarriage issue on its own.

I hope your does too. :hug:

[Nikia]

38. I am sorry about your earlier losses

I am glad that you were able to have two wonderful children.
I know that the ER doctor (an older woman) mentioned that she had three miscarriages, but also now had three grown children.
I hope that I will eventually have children too.

[Withywindle]

20. I'm sorry for your loss.

It's very common. One in three, roughly.

I think I had one once, but it was so early on I'll never know for 100% sure. I didn't grieve because I wouldn't have wanted to be pregnant, but I know for those who are glad to be, it is a very real tragic loss and I'm sorry it happened to you.

[Guava Jelly]

21. I am so sorry.

Things happen..Nothing is wrong with you and I can't imagine the pain you went through.
All i can offer is a kind word and a virtual :hug:

[Madrone]

22. I am so sorry.

I know many women that have gone through this - and I know that even though it is definitely more common than you think it doesn't make it any easier. Take care of yourself, and be gentle. Please don't blame yourself. :hug:

[Coyote_Bandit]

23. .

:hug:

I am so sorry for your loss.

My sister in law miscarried recently. They gave the baby a gender neutral name, had a brief ceremony and planted a tree in his/her memory. A former college dorm roomate miscarried five times before finally carrying her first child full term. Both grieved deeply for the loss of a life that might have been. Neither of them did anything to cause a miscarriage - and there was nothing either could have done to prevent it.

Don't blame yourself for stuff you can't control.

[Blue-Jay]

24. I'm so sorry to hear about that.

:hug:

[LynzM]

25. I'm sorry for your loss, Nikia

There definitely can be a social stigma with it, and I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I'm on a message board with about 40 moms on it, and I'd say about half have experienced a miscarriage or loss. :hug:

[Arkansas Granny]

26. I'm so sorry to hear that. I know that words don't help much, but

time does help heal the hurt. Take some time to recover and do something nice for yourself. Having had two miscarriages myself, I know how disappointed you feel, but chances are that your next pregnancy will have a better outcome.



:hug:

[Kajsa]

27. I'm so sorry, Nikia.

My condolences on your loss.

You are NOT a failure, please remind yourself
of that often.

Are there any support groups in your area that
can help?
It really helps to talk to people who know
first hand what you are going through.

My thoughts are with you.

:hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

33. oh honey i am sorry.

:hug:

[Redstone]

35. Oh, Christ, I'm sorry. Please, do NOT "feel like a failure." I know this is common among

women who have miscarriages, but PLEASE do not feel that way.

It is NOT your fault.

Redstone

[YellowRubberDuckie]

37. I am so sorry for your loss...

I know this won't help, but the way you have to look at it is, there was something so wrong that the miscarriage kept the baby and you and your family from a lot of pain both physically and emotionally.
I never talk about it, no one knows my story, and I am not ready to talk about it, but just know that I've been where you are. I know it's not easy, but there was a reason for it.
:hug:
Duckie

[Nikia]

39. Thank you for all your replies

I really meant to respond individually to more of your posts. I really appreciate all of you posting messages of support. I just feel a bit overwhelmed.

[femmocrat]

40. I am so sorry, Nikia.

:hug: No need to reply.

[bigwillq]

41. That is terrible.

I am very sorry for your loss.

It wasn't your fault. You are not a failure. :hug:

[electron_blue]

42. I'm so sorry, Nikia. It is much more common than most people would think.

I had 3 miscarriages. It's tough. Take good care of yourself and get lots of rest.

eta: I don't mean to be flippant - I know this is really rough and you did *not* fail. I still think about my babes from time to time and remember them on the dates I lost them. Fwiw, I was successful on the 4th try and have a beautiful daughter so my body also somehow got the hang of it. It helps to find others who went through it to talk with.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

43. ~

:hug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

44. It is a real loss

No matter what the length of the pregnancy. Once you are pregnant, you already love that little one.

Have had several miscarriages, including one that was stillborn at 5.5 months.


Out of the four miscarriages I had, I did up being the proud parent of one very wonderful and fantastic son...my only child.


Take care of yourself. Mourn. And believe that you are not a failure...you did nothing wrong.

Hang in there, and take your time to heal emotionally and physically.

Many :hug: :hug: :hug:

[xchrom]

45. i can't know how you feel -- but i certainly sense your loss.

please -- i hope you feel all the good thoughts from everyone here -- some people have said some truly lovely things.

take care of yourself -- and i'm very sorry this happened to you.

[UrbScotty]

46. My mom had a couple of miscarriages

I'm thankful I wasn't one of them. :scared:

Just know that, while it is very difficult, you are not alone. :hug:

[Flaxbee]

47. I'm sorry.

You must really be grieving. Please don't think you failed. I can understand how you would think that, but it just isn't true. Miscarriages really do happen frequently, for a variety of reasons you have/had no control over.

I hope you have some understanding people around you, who will let you talk about it if you need to.

Again, I'm sorry :hug:

[fudge stripe cookays]

48. If you need to talk or PM,

please do. I had one in 1997. Supremely painful and awful, both physically and emotionally.

:hug:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

49. I'm so sorry Nikia

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family :hug: :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

50. My dear Nikia...

I am so sorry to hear this...

I miscarried my first pregnancy, and only then did I find out just how common it is...

Please take care of yourself...

It's a tough thing to get through...be gentle with yourself...

:hug:

[lildreamer316]

51. Oh, dear.

I am sending lots of love to you.
I'e had several friends go through this.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

[puerco-bellies]

53. I am very sorry for your loss.

Just because it is a common occurrence, does not make it easier to deal with. Peace to you.

[Infomaniac]

54. I am so sorry.

I am so sorry that you miscarried. I had one in 1990 and remember feeling like a failure too. We're here for you if you want to talk.

[Bunny]

55. Oh I'm so sorry.

:hug:

[laylah]

56. ...

:hug: I am so sorry for your loss, Nikia. Don't beat yourself up. There are reasons for everything, even miscarriages. Been there, done that, and my heart goes out to you.

[YDogg]

57. Nikia, I am so very sorry

The same thing happened to two of my family members, and to a handful of the many women my wife has worked with over the years. Take care of yourself ...

[Ellen Forradalom]

58. It is a very common occurrence

By no means are you at fault in any way.

That doesn't lesson the grief and loss, I know. But I'm glad you're not blaming yourself any more on top of it.

:hug:

[Darth_Kitten]

59. Don't be hard on yourself.

You are not a "failure" and you didn't do anything wrong.

[Breeze54]

60. It's not your fault at all, it's nature's way of telling you somethings wrong.

:hug:

Take sometime to recuperate and take care of yourself.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

61. Very common

and not something to feel like a failure about

There are specialists that can help reduce the risk as well since unfortunately there is a risk.

One factoid, many pregnancies don't get beyond the stage of a "chemical pregnancy" in that the blastocyst is not able to implant and is miscarried and the would be mother never knows that she was there at the point of becoming pregnant.

I'm very sorry for your experience. I've worked with people who were in the aftermath of a miscarriage and it is a grief like any other grief in the sense that it takes time and letting your feelings out. Grieving what might have been.

I know, too many words SPK

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[SarahB]

62. I lost my second pregnancy.

I was 22, just went back to school after having my daughter at 20, and felt the worst kind of guilt because I was not planning the pregnancy (got pregnant on the pill). By the time I was lost the baby, I was almost 12 weeks, used to the idea and looking forward to another baby. All I could think was that it was my fault. The pain was awful and it changed the course in terms of a lot of my life decisions. Just remember that it happens and it isn't anything you did wrong. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[rbnyc]

63. I understand.

It's so hard to face the people who knew about your pregnancy. Everyone asks how you a re feeling, how it's going, and you have to explain over and over again. And then there are everyone's expectations of how you should feel. People seem to think that the longer you carried, the more entitled you are to grieve--even if they don't say it, you can feel it, and you wonder if your feelings are out of proportion. They are not.

It's so hard when you lose a baby, because there is no closure, no name, no memorial, no wake, no service. You're just suppose to go on. "Keep trying."

I totally understand when you say you feel like a failure. It's so hard not to feel that way, even though it's not true and it's not fair. I think part of it is because we are so conscious of everything we do when we get pregnant. Everything we eat and breathe, when we go to sleep, when we wake up, every single thing has a potential impact on the development of the baby--I'm sure for most of us, we have never felt a greater sense of responsibility. And responsibility seems to translate into fault. But you can do everything right and still something goes wrong. It's not your fault...but it's so hard to let go.

And add to that what your body is going through. Changing back and forth. Hormones.

It's amazing more women don't talk about it, and that there isn't more support out there, because it's one of the hardest things a woman will ever have to go through.

I'm glad you decided to post about it.

PM me if you want my phone number, if you ever want to talk.

Also, I found a lot of support here when I lost my baby...and even months after, no one made me feel like I should be over it.

My thoughts are with you.

Rene

EDIT: typo

[ThomCat]

64. I'm very sorry.

I hope you are physically well. :hug:

I don't know what to say, so I'm going to just send some very good thoughts your way.

[SallyMander]

65. *hugs*

Please don't blame yourself. Miscarriages often happen because the fetus was non-viable for some reason. It's natural and NOT your fault -- but of course it is still a terribly hard thing for you to go through.

:hug:

[LeftPeopleFinishFirst]

66. I'm so sorry

:hugs: You will be alright, stay strong.

[lightningandsnow]

67. I'm so sorry.

I'm not sure what else to say, but I send you some virtual hugs.

:hug:

[easttexaslefty]

68. " A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet I continue to wear them.
To learn how awful my shoes are, might make them uncomfortable
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women, like me ache daily, as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt as much. Some have worn them so long, days go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet,because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost her child."
Author unknown


Please let me know if you ever need to talk.
Hugs,and some peace to you,
Danny's mom 12/18/73-9/11/07

[GoddessOfGuinness]

69. I'm so sorry, Nikia...

I hope that you know you are not a failure, even though you're struggling with those feelings.

You may find something helpful on this website: http://www.silentgrief.com/

I wish I could give you a real hug right now... :hug::hug::hug:

[soleft]

70. sorry to hear this

I wish you boundless comfort and peace. What your feeling is probably a common and natural reaction - just remember feelings are not fact - sorry for the cliche - but as others have said, please don't blame yourself.