Let me be the first to wish Agent Mike a Merry Christmas

[Ptah]

Arlo Guthrie/The Pause of Mr. Claus


The Pause of Mr. Claus
words and music by Arlo Guthrie

This next song we're going to dedicate to a great American
organization. Tonight I'd like to dedicate this to our boys
in the FBI.

Well, wait a minute. It's hard to be an FBI man. I mean, first
of all, being an FBI man, you have to be over 40 years old.
And the reason is that it takes at least 25 years with the
organization to be that much of a bastard. It's true. You just
can't join, you know. It needs an atmosphere where your
natural bastardness can grow and develop and take a
meaningful shape in today's complex society.

But that's not why I want to dedicate the song to the FBI. I
mean, the job that they have to do is a drag. I mean, they have
to follow people around, you know. That's part of their job.
Follow me around.

I'm out on the highway and I'm drivin' down the road and I
run out of gasoline. I pull over to the side of the road. They
gotta pull over too - make believe that they ran out, you
know.

<snip>

And that's why tonight I'd like to dedicate it to every FBI
man in the audience. I know you can't say nothin', you know,
you can't get up and say "Hi!" cause then everybody knows
that you're an FBI man and that's a drag for you and your
friends.

They're not really your friends, are they? I mean, so you can't
get up and say nothin' 'cause other wise, you gotta get sent
back to the factory and that's a drag for you and it's an
expense for the government, and that's a drag for you.

We're gonna sing you this Christmas carol. It's for all you
bastards out there in the audience tonight. It's called "The
Pause of Mr. Claus".

Why do you sit there so strange?
Is it because you are beautiful?
You must think you are deranged
Why do police guys beat on peace guys?

You must think Santa Clause weird
He has long hair and a beard
Giving his presents for free
Why do police guys mess with peace guys?

Let's get Santa Clause 'cause;
Santa Clause has a red suit
He's a communist
And a beard, and long hair
Must be a pacifist
What's in the pipe that he's smoking?

Mister Clause sneaks in your home at night.
He must be a dope fiend, to put you up tight
Why do police guys beat on peace guys?

[Lilith Velkor]

1. Me next

Happy Christmas, poor DHS bastard who has to read all this shit tonight! :party:

:hi:

[sarge43]

2. Not only read all this stuff, but I heard

his wife finally got fed up with him being away every holiday, so she's divorcing his ass.

Season's Greetings, Mikey.

[Lilith Velkor]

4. Sucks to be him

But hey, at least he gets to stalk her and her new boyfriend/girlfriend/box turtle on our dime. Gotta love the land of the free! :patriot:

[sarge43]

5. Oh right, tell him he can do that.

Our Mikey isn't the brightest bulb in the chandelier which why he got the DU job.

[Lilith Velkor]

7. Now he's frantically googling "woman on box turtle sex"

Quality assurance is *such* a fun hobby. :evilgrin:

[sarge43]

8. And what do you know, there's his ex.

The things you learn on DU, eh Mike?

[Jamastiene]

3. Yo, Agent Mike.

Dude, are we keepin' ya busy enough or are ya hurting for some more?

[av8rdave]

6. Happy Holidays, Agent Mike

Hopefully you can track down some more insurgents in the war on Christmas!

[Ptah]

9. And a Happy New Year to you, Mike!

:hi: