Psssst! Peek into my server logs!

[Sapphocrat]

I love my server logs. My server logs tell me that even people in Saudi Arabia find something amusing about my Web site. My server logs also tell me that far too many people are screwing around on the Web when they're supposed to be working. My server logs also tell me that several scary-sounding government agencies like to check up on my site once in a while (or else, they're screwing around while they should be working -- only on your taxpayer dime).

My server logs don't identify individual visitors to my site -- which is a good thing, since A) I believe in personal privacy, and B) I don't want to know if Charles Manson is a fan of mine.

The main thing my server logs tell me is stuff like what other sites are referring visitors to my site, and how popular each page on my site is. This information helps me make my site better. (Are people missing a particular page I want them to see? Should I make a link more prominent? Should I ditch an entire section nobody ever reads?)

What I enjoy about my server logs is the list of search-engine queries that refer people to my site. I'm happy to report that my site ranks in the Google top ten for lots of specific queries, and does quite well in Yahoo and AOL Search, too. My site contains lots of esoteric information, so it makes me very happy to know that someone desperately searching for, say, "social groups for crossdressing bisexual saxophone players" has found what s/he's looking for.

But sometimes, even I am surprised at how people get to my site, based on search-engine queries such as these -- which are are quite real, I assure you, culled from the www.amuseyourself.com server logs between January 1 and February 5, 2004:

byu aversion therapy
No thanks -- I already have an aversion to BYU.

why do undertakers place a white sheet over a mirror if there is a coffin in a house
Because they don't want the deceased to know how bad he looks.

Could I really be a lesbian?
Yes, you could! Let me share some success stories -- at no cost or obligation to you!

catholic ideas of hell
Parochial school, for starters.

coaching lesbian
You can do it! Come on, put your heart into it! Atta girl!

military "secret message"
Here it is: There never were any WMD!

Drag Queen makeover software
They make software for this? Cool!

gay dating terminology
Pretty much the same as straight dating terminology; e.g., "Pick you up at eight" ... "Thanks for a nice evening" ...

did paul mccartney die in a car wreck
Yes.

manson is paul from the wonder years
Charlie or Marilyn?

"George, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"
Laura, I told you he's not here. Now, take your meds and get some sleep.

"John lennon" "burial place"
Try the top of Yoko's television.

nude patch dead or alive
I don't even want to know what this means.

are you full of yourself? pictures
I could be, but they haven't invented a camera that will take pictures of my ego yet.

the real tinkerbell
Tomorrow, on the E! True Hollywood Story!

pictures that make your eyes go funny
Have you been to the member gallery at FreeRepublic?

quirky things you should do each day
Check the door to make sure it's locked 15 times every hour.

gay your e-mail
A fine idea, but I'd really rather lesbian my e-mail.

how to have funny entertainment
As opposed to all that depressing entertainment?

"Hollywood heterosexualized Jessica Savitch"
Yeah, but at least Hollywood didn't drive her off a bridge to her death.

Embarrassing gay and lesbians
Liberace and Rosie O'Donnell. I can't think of any other embarrassing ones.

Reasons for migration from germany to America
How about: You love war, and hate homos?

find out if you're gay
Done and done -- like, when I was in utero.

perverted chick tracts
Yeah, those born-again hens sure do leave some weird crap around, don't they?

really really really funny pictures and more that you don't have to download
Oh, I'm sorry -- I only have really really funny pictures.

haircut of homosexuals in the 19th century
They ALL look gay to me.

quizzes that tell you what you will destroy the world with
George, I told you to stop visiting my site. Now go back to bed.

"gay men in love with women"
I'll take "Closet Heterosexuals" for $200, Alex.

PICTURES OF TICKLE BELL FROM PETER PAN
Tickle Bell?

"BOB BARR" "WHIPPED CREAM"
Thanks for putting THAT picture in my head for the rest of the night.

I want to look at some pictures of people which I can write to and to be friends with them
You want to be friends with the people, or their pictures?

UFO sexual orientation
All aliens are gay! All of them!

fair sex genitalia
You mean people use different genitalia for unfair sex?

funny picture of a man with really big arms
Try Popeye.com.

funny protestant pictures
Try PatBoone.com.

funny stuff to hang in your cubicle
My ex-boss. That was pretty funny.

straight people invade gay bars
Can you blame them?

tell me about yourself
Well, I'm 5'2", with long, wavy-- hey, waitaminute, it's none of your freaking business!

the invention of heterosexuality
I think it was invented about nine months before the first baby was born.

queer spread
I like the transgender plum preserves best myself.

words to let one know you love them
Try "I love you" for starters.

yahweh bisexual
Alex, I'll take "Subject Lines Guaranteed to Cause a Flame War on DU" for $400, please.

"my gay world"
No, damn you, it's MY gay world! You just live in it!

19-year crossdresser
Well, I'll ask around, but I'm not sure I know any.

20-year crossdresser
What, you weren't satisfied with the 19-year crossdresser I found for you?

do it yourself love objects
"Subject Lines Guaranteed to Get Your Lounge Thread Locked" for $600, Alex.

pictures of nosy people
Here's one: http://www.usdoj.gov/ag/ashcroftbio.html

Finally, this one makes perfect sense to me -- do you know what it refers to (no Googling, people!)?

beatles 2317438

[foreigncorrespondent]

1. Finally!!!

With all the trouble DU has been having this morning, I haven't been able to post my reply until now. Thank you so much admin for getting us back up and running as quickly as you have. :)

On with my reply:

I also love to read my server logs, some of things people search for that end up bringing them to your site, is unbelievable. I tend to sit there and laugh so hard, then stop and think to myself, what on earth did that person come to MY site looking for such things? LOL

Anyway, Sapph, thank you for posting this, I really enjoyed the good belly laugh! :)

[SoCalDem]

2. Have you two ever used skype to talk to each other

It's free and you don't have to type messages..

www.skype.com

It's amazingly clear and so fast.. It also has a messaging center..

:)

It'll save you a bundle on phone calls :)

[foreigncorrespondent]

3. Thanks for the tip...

...SoCal, but the puter Sapph is using presently doesn't have a sound card, and neither of us have the money for her to get one at this time. I added the link to my favs anyway, so when we do have the money to get Sapph a sound card, we will be able to get the program. :)

We do okay in the chat department. We talk daily on AIM, and I get phone cards when I can afford them, which saves a lot on the phone bill. I am actually in a better financial situation that Sapph, because I get a fortnightly unemployment cheque from the government, which is permanent until I find full time employment. Sapph doesn't have any income whatsoever, so it works out better for me to get the phone cards.

Granted, it isn't the way a relationship should be run, but we don't have any other choices, right now.

[hunter]

4. I never look at my logs unless I have to...

They always make me feel sort of sick, like the human race is doomed.

Whenever I get some unusual number of hits it's usually because I did something stupid like putting "Paris" "Hilton" "night" and "vision" on a page, long before I knew who "Paris Hilton" was.

And wow! That "Paris Hilton night vision" search is up to 26,300 pages on Google, which is good, because I've long since vanished into the noise. But those first few hours will leave your web host screaming "WTF!!!!!!!"

I'm thinking of giving all my web page images random hexadecimal names like FEDB91.jpg, and inserting a lot of random spam text into my html to drown out all those disconcerting "BOB BARR" "WHIPPED CREAM" sorts of refferals.

Ah, thank goodness, my randomly generated FED910.jpg doesn't come up on Google yet, but I'm sure it will, and then the feds will come looking, and they will blame me...

lalalalalala I have my fingers in my ears and I can't hear you!

[Sapphocrat]

14. Bob Barr & whipped cream...

...is one of the tamer queries I've gotten. LOL

I know what you mean. Server logs can often provide an unwelcome look into some pretty twisted minds.

As for the feds, well, I just roll merrily along in deliberate denial that they're doing anything more than messing around on company time.

However... Right after 9/11, I opened a section on my site called "Scare Yourself!" which contained all sorts of bizarre news stories coming out, related to the attacks. Do you remember, for instance, that rap-album cover that was released before 9/11, with these two rappers standing in front of an image of the twin towers on fire?

Well, a lot of the stuff I was posting was much more disturbing than that, because it involved conflicting news reports and the sort of unanswered questions we've all since asked over the past 2.5 years. It was a very popular section of the site, and I was really getting into it...

And then I noticed a sudden, huge upsurge in hits from .gov and .mil sites -- and I didn't like what I was seeing. So I panicked -- pulled the section down, and, unfortunately, in my haste, screwed up my own backups.

It was fascinating stuff. But I'm still glad I yanked it. And I checked -- it doesn't even exist at the Wayback Machine, or in Google's cache.

Shame to be so scared of your own government, isn't it?

Nothing to see here... Move along!

[Anaxamander]

5. nude patch dead or alive -- what it means

They're searching for a patch for the video game "Dead or Alive" to take the clothes off the (female) characters.

[hunter]

8. Once again....

lalalalalala I have my fingers in my ears and I can't hear you!

The human race is doomed, I tell you, doomed.

When I was a young man real live women would take off their own clothes.

I never went "searching for a patch."

[Sapphocrat]

10. Aha!

Thank you, Anaxamander!

See, I wasn't aware of the game "Dead or Alive" -- and I'm much more in tune with finding nude patches for The Sims. :D

[redqueen]

6. This is honestly the most amusing post I've read here.

Thanks!

What a lovely way to start my lunch hour this Friday.

:D

[Sapphocrat]

11. Thank you, redqueen!

I'm happy it made you laugh. :)

You might want to check out Disturbing Search Requests, which consists of nothing but the, well, most disturbing search queries from countless server logs. I post my nastiest finds there (meaning, the ones I wouldn't pollute DU with!) -- but be forewarned, as the name implies, DSR contains some of the ugliest drek from some of the sickest minds searching the Web:

http://searchrequests.weblogs.com/

[geniph]

17. Oh man, I'm still giggling

Someone actually put "Is Sponge Bob a Tampon?" in a search engine? Ummm...why? Were they in dire need of one, and the kids' toys were their only hope for hygiene?

I don't want to think about Bob Barr and whipped cream any more, ever, please.

[redqueen]

7. Oh yeah

And the beatles thing... interesting... a guess would be that the numbers seem to almost correspond to how you would spell beatles on a keypad.

on edit, that can't be it... or google wouldn't help, would it?

Ah well. :)

[Sapphocrat]

12. Very sharp eyes!

And astoundingly close! Read on...

[twistedliberal]

9. The Beatles thing...

"2317438" looks kinda like a mirror image of "BEATLES"

:shrug:

[Sapphocrat]

13. VERY good! ...

From the most popular page on my site, which attracts Beatles lovers from around the world, and earned me my only Yahoo category listing:

Magical Mystery Tour

On the cover:

When BEATLES (spelled out in stars) is held up to a mirror, the reflection reveals the phone number, 2317438, of a London mortuary. Some people report that the number is actually 23LTA38, and, upon calling it, received such messages as "You're getting closer" and "Paul McCartney is dead." ...

Paul Is Dead... Not!
How a Nation of Hysterical Teenagers and Respectable Journalists Was Duped Into Thinking Paul McCartney Was Dead, and Why
http://www.amuseyourself.com/amuse-2000/epitaph/paulisdead/paulisdead.html

[Melsky]

15. thanks for a hilarious thread

One of the funniest things I've read on DU.

[Pale Blue Dot]

16. LOL. This is hilarious!

Let me apologize, on behalf of all heterosexual males, for all of the unprintable search queries that must send people to your site.