I am in love with a man who is controlled by his ex-wife.

[qb]

They separated 10 months ago because he is gay. She doesn't approve of his dating. I think he feels obligated to her, and is actively involved in parenting their kids. He seems stressed out a lot of the time and is becoming less available. We enjoy ourselves when we're together, but there is almost no communication otherwise. I suspect she is badgering him to stop seeing me (I have never met her). He won't talk about it. I want to stick with him until his ex loosens up, but I don't know if he's pulling away or if she's pulling him away. I don't want to stress him out more, but the uncertainty is hard for me. I don't want to give him up. I have gently asked for more information, but he gently refuses. Any thoughts?

[Karenina]

1. This advice is worth what you paid for it...

Drop it like a hot coal unless you like getting burned.

[Solon]

2. Sounds like he's not ready for a committed relationship...

a divorce, especially with kids, can really turn someone's world upside down. If you are patient enough, you can wait out the storm, if not, then you should drop him.

[Bucky]

5. It takes year and a half to get over a divorce. I read that somewhere.

Now I pass on that unsubstantiated aphorism for your contemplation.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

7. Actually, It can take longer. That is the least amount of grieving

time. It is a process.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

9. Very true

Any woman with any life experience at all will avoid men who have been divorced less than a year. They tend to be angry, depressed, and generally not in their right minds. I've had friends who have gotten into intense relationships with recently divorced men who were on the rebound, only to be dumped abruptly when the man moves into a different phase of recovery.

I have observed the same dynamic working when gay couples break up.

In fact, one of the things that convinced me once and for all that same-sex couples deserve the same rights as heterosexuals was seeing gay or lesbian couples at all the different stages: the early stage of being crazy about each other, being an "old married couple," breakups, and death of one partner, and I noticed that the emotions were exactly the same as for heterosexuals.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

10. The heart is non-sexual. It wants only to love and to be loved.

I run away from a man who has been divorced less than a year. I regret it every time I don't. They are squirrely as hell. They don't know what they are doing, like a squirrel in the road.
I will be friends, that is it.

[havocmom]

13. At the beginning of my divorce process, a dear client gave me this:

For the next three years, forgive yourself for anything you do. You will not be really sane for at least that long. But, try not to hurt others, and don't enter into anything long term. DO have fun whenever possible.

She was really a hoot and she sent me kind postcards to let me know she was keeping me in her thoughts and her version of prayers.

Her words were golden wisdom. Took that long for the anger and burning hurt to be tamed and integrated into the new, improved me. I am richer, more evolved for the process, and not ignoring it. I was blessed for such wise counsel in my worst of times.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

6. Yes, I agree. n/t

[AlCzervik]

3. He sounds like he needs some alone time.

he has a lot to work out.

[qb]

4. Thank you for saying that.

I think I knew that, but my impatience was getting the best of me.

[RainDog]

8. wow

the guy just came out? and he's not divorced and has kids and custody to work out and knows the remaining prejudice about gay parents? How many other guys has he been with?

I mean, your situation is even more complicated than most divorces and relationships after. I can't tell you what to do (isn't it different for different people?) - beyond emphasizing the big changes for him at this time in life would seem likely to have a big impact and he'll need to work that out.

[lost-in-nj]

11. If he is controlled by his ex-wife

he IS NOT READY

you deserve better


lost

[Robb]

12. 2 cents worth: run. nt

[UTUSN]

14. Sorry to deliver the bad news, but if he is (your words) "less available" and

"no communication" - why don't you give it up and look for somebody who is MORE-available and who *does* have SOME communication?!1

[qb]

15. Thank you. I think I am gradually moving in that direction.

It is hard because he seemed SO right for a while and I don't want to let go.

Full disclosure: I'm in a similar situation... out less than a year, kids (joint custody... I keep my dating from them... When I go out it's with "friends"). My marriage has essentially been over for 4 years. We were just in limbo until I came out. My ex had a boyfriend before we split up, so my social life is okay with her. Maybe I'm in denial about my own situation. I don't know. Thanks all for your advice.

[RainDog]

17. lots of stuff going on

for both of you.

the only thing I know to say or do is to ask if he wants to be there for each other for now, and see what happens over time. that's all you can do anyway, right?

wish I knew answers to such things.

hugs to you.

[Dangerously Amused]

18. He may still be the right guy for you.

It doesn't have to be an either/or proposition. But now is definitely not the right time. I mean, if he is the right one for you now, then he is still going to be the right one for you a year and even two years from now, when both of you have worked through some of the difficulties you each have going on and are in a better position both emotionally and logistics-wise to be together and to make good, healthy relationship decisions.

To that end I say give him the gift of time and distance so he can work through this current situation without the complications/pressures/hopes/expectations of another serious relationship "on the side." Keep in touch, but stay in the background; let him know that you care and will be there for him when he's ready. And don't freak out if he starts dating someone else in the interim, because as others here have pointed out, relationships which begin during and right after a divorce often end in disaster because the divorced person is consciously and subconsciously dealing with all sorts of issues from the breakup of the relationship and subsequent dismantling of their life.

My .02, FWIW.

Good luck.

[New Earth]

16. if you really think you love him

maybe just let him go for awhile until this stuff is straightened out. Doesn't mean you have to just straight out forget about him and go find someone else...

[La Lioness Priyanka]

19. i would cross post this in the glbt forum too

are you the first man he has dated long term (i mean more than 2 months?) has he just come out?

imo no matter how wonderful/fabulous you are, if someone is just coming out and you have been out for a while, that relationship is not going to last.