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by Noor Karyn Wyse
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of
an inflatable love doll.
Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself.
I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this
do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone
number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night
of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so I could use
the car pool lane during rush hour.
I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild
mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all.
(That also describes a few ex-boyfriends.) Finding what I wanted was
difficult.
Love dolls come in many different models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was
a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise.
She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key
hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come
and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom.
I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on
a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of
hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.
I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.
It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and
and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer
her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas
at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in
a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth
to mouth resuscitation.
My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her
right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored
her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
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