Is this accepted child-rearing today?

[grasswire]

A high school freshman is flunking biology and has a D in global studies and a C in Spanish -- her core classes. The progress reports came today, and her mother decided to let her choose what her restriction would be. The mother said "I'm not mad at you" despite the lying about homework and school assignments and the betrayal of her mother's trust in her maturity.

Do kids really get to choose their own punishment today?

So she isn't grounded. She gave up playing Minesweeper on the laptop. No restrictions otherwise. She can go to the mall, have friends over, etc.

Does that make sense?

[supernova]

1. Well, I would probably say

something like you can choose door A, B, or C. (not really a punishment, more like a repriortizing so she has more time to study.)

I wouldn't say, choose ANY PUNISHMENT YOU LIKE.

I personally don't like the idea of "punishing" students for bad grades. It punishes them with the very thing you are trying to get them to do better at. Seems contradictory.

[grasswire]

4. it isn't the bad grades that the "punishment" would be aimed at...

...it's the multiple times of lying about having schoolwork finished when it obviously wasn't, and the betrayal of the mother's trust when the girl said she would manage keeping up the work without mom talking to teachers and micromanaging.

[Fire Walk With Me]

2. The work ethic of the real world shall come as a rude surprise to this girl.

[poisonivy]

3. exactly

if you fail at your job you get fired.

I am lucky as my 2 girls are doing outstanding in their classes. My youngest was named one of the Students of the Month in her middle school and my oldest is pulling a very heavy load, alot of AP classes to get ready for med school.

[unpossibles]

30. well, depends on where you work and whose butt you kiss

but yes, you're right.

Welcome to DU, btw!

[poisonivy]

32. that is true

where I work I usually spend part of my day fixing one other guys screwups. I am a network/pc tech and recently we have had some issues with some pc's that necessated 1 hdd and mb replacement (laptop) and a couple of desktop replacements.

In none of these cases, where the individual in question preformed the move, setup of the new systems did he back up ANY of the documents or bookmarks on the old pc's. On the hdd/mb replacement I had luckly replaced his tower fairly recently and I had backed up his bookmarks to my folder on the network so I was able to move them back with no issues.

On another we had an issue with a single pc and some software that we use, and instead of trying to fix the issue or calling the vendor to see if there was a fix, he just took his old tower (we just got new ones ourselves YEAAAAAAAA) and gave him that one. Not calling the vendor for a fix, so the issue is still there AND he did not copy the favorites for several websites that this individual that uses them for their job. He is also an older guy and not really computer savvy at all. When I mentioned this to my coworker he went off saying crap like why did he need them? etc...

This is just the tip of the iceberg, I have to rant before I blow up on him. He has the same degree as I do but he doesnt know his ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to this stuff. Oh and here is the kicker, he is full time, and I am still part time, for over 2 years now. yes I am looking for a new job but right now this close to the holidays there really isnt much out there other than 1 day contract jobs that I do that pay more than what I make now.

Ty for the welcome

[Rabrrrrrr]

5. Nah, she'll go straight to mid-level management. She's perfect for it.

Incompetent, spoiled, always gets her way, and not willing to actually do anything.

[supernova]

6. LOL!

:loveya:

You always cut right to the chase. :D

[kwassa]

22. Sometimes she'll get to high level management

I've seen that behavior there, too.

[Fleshdancer]

7. that's just lazy parenting

I hope the mom isn't surprised by the lying and the poor grades next time around. :shrug:

[tigereye]

8. there's a balance somewhere between total punishment and over-reaction

like the folks who ground em for a month, and the folks who go too easy, with no real consequences.

You want em to know you mean business and that things have to improve. I myself prefer the carrot approach - here's what you need to do to earn back my trust, and these privileges. Kids need to learn that their behaviors have consequences, and I think there is a fair, even-handed and kind way to do that....

[Ellen Forradalom]

9. This is generally understood as 'total cluelessness'

And it seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Capn Sunshine]

10. Everyone parents differently

That wouldn't be my choice. But motivating kids is almost impossible at that age unless it has to do with their peers.

In our own experience despite our begging and pleading it wasn't our punishments over bad school performance ( she lost her license until age 18 even though we bought her a BMW for her 16th birthday) it was her friends telling her what a loser she would be if she didn't go to college that motivated her to graduate from High school and go to college.

She got that degree, but we owe a huge debt to her friends who were a positive influence on her.

[JVS]

11. Beat the child until unconscious and when she wakes up promise to repeat the beating every Friday...

afternoon until you see an improvement in her grades.

[ProfessorGAC]

27. Unenlightened, But Probably Quite Effective

At least in the near term! I like the way you think! :evilgrin:
The Professor

[Orsino]

12. There ought to be some punishment...

...and the loss of free time seems appropriate. Grounding plus no computer or TV? The drop in grades is incidental, and not yet catastrophic; the kid should have to provide daily updates on assignments, which the parent(s) should check every day. The thing is, the only reliable way to rob the child of her time is for the parent to give it up, too. It won't be fun, but this is remedial parenting, as well--making up for whatever failures have let the daughter think she could get away with this.

[PeaceNikki]

13. What makes less sense is

people who don't know every intimate detail sitting in judgment stating that they are "doing it wrong".

Live and let live. This child is not a menace to society as a result of the behavior, so why the outrage? Really... are we at a point where we want to judge every decision a parent makes? Are you all ready to sit and be judged having the world (or DU) scrutinize every decision you make as a parent?

I don't get it.

[Jimbo S]

18. There's a lot of screwed up people out there.

And this is how some of it starts. Just let the kids do whatever they want. Parents who want to be their children's "friend" instead of being the child's parent.

[PeaceNikki]

20. To infer all of that by the OP is ridiculous.

[Sock Puppet]

21. HELL TO THE YES!

:applause:

[PeaceNikki]

28. Thanks.

How about everyone STFU and:

[gbate]

14. I don't ground my HS freshman for bad grades.

But when I do ground him, he does not choose his punishment. That's ridiculous!

[poisonivy]

33. I wish my parents did

I left Junior High with a 3+ gpa, when I got to HS I got lazy and barely graduated. If my parents HAD did something I would have had a much easier life up till now. The last 6 years tho things have gotten better, I got remarried, earned my degree and am working in a field I love.

Parents need to start putting their foot down and quit trying to be a friend, it dont work.

[Ms_Dem_Meanor]

15. HELL NO!!!

1. She wouldn't have gotten a choice.
2. She would be grounded.
3. Her punishment would be to take away the phone, computer (unless homework related), no leaving the house for unneccesary things, and no company.
4. Anything in "her life" that she deems important would not be allowed. You know the things that would boost social standings.
5. Punishment would end only when improvement is shown on progress report or report card, which ever comes first. Then she would get back what was taken from her.
6. Once #5 is acheived, it would have to be maintained until the end of school year.

This is what my mother did to my brother and I. Now, this is what I have been doing to my daughter. My brother & I graduated, and my daughter will be graduating in June 2008.

[yellowcanine]

16. I don't presume to tell other people how to raise their kids. And I was not there.

So I really do not know what transpired between mother and daughter. And I do not know the abilities of the daughter. Also, punishment is not an effective way to motivate children academically. That is my take on this discussion.

[redqueen]

17. IMO no, it doesn't make any sense at all.

I wish I could say I was shocked that the mom said she wasn't mad about her child lying to her and shirking her responsibilities... but I'm starting to realize this kind of thing is common... explains a lot, really.

[LibDemAlways]

19. At my daughter's school grades are posted on

something called Zangle, accessible on the school website. A parent can go on at any time to check the child's grades - not just quarter or semester grades, but ongoing grades for tests and assignments in each class. All of the teachers are also readily accessible by e-mail in case a parent has any questions or wants further clarification.

Even if that girl's school doesn't similary post grades, the mother could be in touch with the girl's teachers more frequently to find out how she's doing and make sure she's keeping up. I have a 14-year-old and take great interest in making sure everything gets done. I don't wait for report card time.

And I wouldn't punish a kid for poor grades. I'd make sure she got whatever help she needed to bring them up.

[grasswire]

36. excellent point

The mother's inclination is to allow the daughter the opportunity to "manage" the problem and find the solution. The daughter does not want the mother to talk to the teachers. However, this is the mid-term report for the second grading period, and the grades have slipped since the first grading period, when she was also told that she could manage the problem and find the solution within herself. Obviously, the accountability for the grades should be managed differently than the accountability for the lying and manipulation. The mother (IMO) oughta be meeting with the teachers ASAP. There is some slight indication that the daughter has a condition called Central Auditory Processing Disorder, where the student can't follow multiple directions or remember what she is told to do, but there are diagnostic processes for this and workarounds and remedies if this is indeed diagnosed. A request for a referral is needed to start the diagnostic process, but that hasn't happened. But a physical problem with auditory perception has nothing to do with lying and deceit.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

23. Before deciding what to do, I'd want to know WHY the girl is flunking

Several possibilities come to mind:

1. New friends who have convinced her that studying is uncool and "for losers." This happened to the very bright son of a couple that I know. Fortunately, they had the financial resources to send him to boarding school and away from the slackers.

2. She's having emotional problems, whether caused by family circumstances or by something happening at school or by a chemical imbalance. Depression can make a person incapable of doing what needs to be done.

3. She's chosen this way to rebel. Some kids take up smoking or weird clothes. Others let their schoolwork slip.

4. It's a cry for help. She wants her parents to give her some direction, and they're not.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

24. maybe the mother has a philosophy behind this decision that she hasnt cared to share with you

[redqueen]

25. Is it just me or is it odd that most people responding are ignoring the lying

and focusing on the grades?

I don't get it...

[quip]

26. I thought this was going to be an apologetic thread for

pedophilia.... :shrug:

But as to your question: Not in the least.

[lunatica]

29. My kids are all in their 30s now but...

I had rules and they knew what those rules were. There were no surprises for them when they broke those rules, and under normal circumstances (if they just broke the rules out of laziness or whatever) the punishments were consistently given. Punishments were being grounded for a week up to a month, no friends able to visit, and if the crime was a bad one being unable to use the telephone. The telephone groundation usually kept them on the straight and narrow though. Before texting the telephone used to be a permanent fixture and appeared to grow out of their heads. There were times we seriously thought about getting another phone so the adults could have one. This was befor voicemail. But we did get a microwave sometime during those days, so we aren't THAT old.

Nowadays I would add email, text messaging, computer time, etc., but that wasn't an issue then. Geez! I didn't realize how much times have changed until I wrote this response! How did we ever survive!

And I'm only 59 years old!

:scared:

[Zoigal]

31. I would sit down with the kid and develop a plan together

on how to bring the grades up to an acceptable level. Then keep regular contact with
the teachers to check progress. Some freshmen sometimes take a while to adjust to high school. z

[Pacifist Patriot]

34. Can only speak for myself

That is not how I would have handled the situation. I have let my children have input into their punishment in terms of contemplating logical consequences. But my husband and I have always had final say. It's a dialogue in logic that at this point is directed by the parent as a learning exercise.

Core class failure? My child would be facing far more than the loss of Minesweeper. Then again, I'd have been more aware of her progress throughout the semester.

[pitohui]

35. the child's lack of a future will be the real punishment

nothing the parent can do will be as bad as a life as somebody who can't even pass high school at the freshman level