Tips for Cleaning the House the Lostmessage way

[Lostmessage]

Cleaning the House

HERE AT LAST ARE CLEANING TIPS THAT MAKE TOTAL SENSE!!!!!!!

DIRT:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

COBWEBS:
Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations)

PET HAIR:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter)

DUSTING:
If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

GENERAL CLEANING:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean.

Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

[Bronco69]

1. LOL

I'll have to print those out! :-)

[Red State Rebel]

7. If you are late getting dinner on...

put an onion in a pan, put it in the oven and turn it on, it will make it smell like you've been busy cooking and give you enough time to throw something together.

[Lostmessage]

10. My Mom use to do something similar to that

If we had a problem with a dog getting sick and smelling the house up.

My mom would cook a turkey or chicken and stuff it with onions, celery, carrots, etc. and bake it long enough for the aroma to permeate the house before the company arrived.

Also, get some break and bake cookies and bake them before your landlord shows up so that your house doesn't stink.

Works like a charm.

[soleft]

2. This is brilliant

Did you write this, you should expand this and submitt it for publication.

[Lostmessage]

5. I move instead of cleaning

LOL

[ohiosmith]

3. You're a hoot!

[silverlib]

4. Love it! and here's one more.

Dishwasher full of clean dishes? Dirty dishes in the sink? Unexpected companay?

Keep a Rubbermaid container for the dirty dishes in the sink so that if the need arises, you can stick it in the oven. Just don't forget they're in there! (from a friend of mine married to a doctor)

[Lostmessage]

6. Here is one that I left out

If you get too dirty tell people someone broke in or the police searched your house by accident and then move.

Nice clean new place to start over again in.

[Intelsucks]

8. House cleaning???? Never heard of it.

:shrug:

[terrya]

9. I like my place to have that "lived in" look.

That "comfortable" appearance.

:-)

Terry

[put out]

11. Me too. Grab a blankie, grab a pillow, get a game or

movie, pick up a book, play around on the computer, talk to the humans, play with the animals, and talk to them too, but the conversation is not very stimulating; put on some music, lots of food, request your poison of choice (I mean liquor or tobacco or coffee, Mr. Ashcroft). I believe if people are happy, they are not about to fret about dust bunnies.

But, I would have toilet paper. Now, folks do tend to fret about that.

[Lostmessage]

12. I always have the lived in look in my place

Even tho I don't cook I make sure there are plenty of pots and pans around to give the illusion that I just prepared a huge dinner.

[baldguy]

13. How do I explain the dishes piled up in my sink?

[put out]

14. Big silly.

Put them in the oven. Just don't forget about them. Or tell your guests you prepared a meal for a shelter. Or say that your ne'er-do-well relative came over and you took pity upon them and fed them.

Or, do as we do and say, proudly "I am a slob. You got a problem with that?".

[RebelOne]

15. Sounds like my house-cleaning method.

But that's a good one about the get-well cards. I would never have thought of it.

[Lostmessage]

16. If your curtains, windows or blinds are dirty

Tell your company that you had a small fire and it's residue from the smoke.