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It was a few short weeks until Christmas, and DU member "LeftyFingerPop", who was only 10 years old, still believed in Santa Clause. He could hardly contain his excitement, because tonight, his father, DU member "Clown_Shoes_A_Go_Go" was taking Lefty on their annual pilgrimage to the Olive Garden to see Santa Clause.
Clown Shoes and Lefty hurriedly jumped into their yellow Hummer which proudly displayed two bumper stickers...."Bush Sucks Ass", and "Pit Bulls Are people Too". As they drove slowly to the Olive Garden, they were both so overwhelmed at the thought of seeing Santa, they gave nary a thought to their daily fear of another DU'er finding out that they rode around in a Hummer, and then calling them out in the lounge about it.
Even though Clown Shoes was 42 years old, he too still secretly believed in Santa. As Clown Shoes pulled the Hummer into the parking lot, he smiled at Lefty, gave him a knowing look, and said "Well son, should we continue the yearly tradition before we go in"? YEAH DAD!! LET'S DO IT!!, Lefty exclaimed. So Lefty plugged the laptop into the cigarette lighter, surfed to the DU lounge page, and posted the same thing, as they do every year..."Me and Dad are at teh Olive Garden, and it fucking rawks"!!! Then Lefty typed in the "woo hoo" and "I love you" smilies", and as he hit the "post" button, they both giggled uncontrollably. Ah, life was good!
Then, with the heat running full blast in the Hummer on that cold night, they sat back with some nice hot chocolate and waited for the friendly replies.
But...this year, something seemed terribly amiss. Lefty had to refresh the page only 3 times until the first angry response was posted. It said, simply..."You spelled "rocks" incorrectly". Lefty's smile turned into a frown, and he looked at Clown Shoes, his eyes searching for reassurance. "Don't worry son, they probably forgot to use the "sarcasm" smiley. Yeah!! That's it Dad!! They forgot to use the sarcasm smiley!! Then, Lefty grinned at his dad and said "LOL", as they burst into a fit of laughter.
The laughter soon ended as the second response came in.
"Hey Hitler, "the" is not spelled "teh".
This time, Clown seemed visibly shaken as Lefty began to sob. "C'mon son", he said, as he pulled lefty out of the Hummer and walked with him toward the Olive Garden entrance. As they walked hand in hand, Lefty began to cry. "I want to leave DU dad, it gets nasty there sometimes". Clown's expression turned serious, as he got down on his knees facing lefty and said "Son, do not ever say you are leaving DU. People who say that always end up posting again 3 weeks later, more bitter than they were before. You don't want to end up like that, do you son? DO YOU??" "No dad" Lefty said sheepishly.
They walked into the Olive Garden. A surreal scene to be sure. Santa, who was sitting in the foyer, stared at them both with bloodshot eyes. Clown immediately noticed that Santa reeked of bourbon and stale cigarettes. As they both looked toward the floor in embarrassment, Santa said..."Hey so what, so I had a few cocktails and PUI'ed last night. So what? Fucking sue me".
Even though Santa was a complete mess, his heart showed through as he took pity on little Lefty, who was now sobbing hysterically. "C'mere kid", sit on my lap. Lefty sat down and Santa asked him "What do you want for Christmas"?
Lefty was sobbing so hard, he could not speak.
"I-I-I end do ibes"
"Eh"? said Santa.
"I-I-I end do ibes" said Lefty.
"What the hell are you saying kid"? said Santa.
I NEED SOME VIBES"!!!!! Lefty screamed as he broke down in Santa's arms. "Fuck that" said Santa as he stuffed a bread stick into Lefty's mouth and said "Here, eat this. They are good. Bread is comfort food you know".
Lefty screamed and ran into his father's arms as Santa took a swig from his flask.
Clown looked at Santa is disbelief. Santa sneered at him and said..."Well, What can I do for YOU"?
Clown said..."Well Santa, I may be a little old, but may I ask you for a Christmas present"
"Sure, why not" said Santa.
Clown sat on Santa's lap and asked for a good photo editing program. Santa asked him why he needed one, and Clown began a psychotic rambling..."Well Santa, you know how they always post picture threads in DU? Well, I have been posting the same picture of myself for 5 years and I want to post a new one but I can't get a decent picture of myself now because I look so terrible. The picture I did post was of me in 1973, on the one day in my life that I happened to look good and the lighting was just right and my triple chin was barely noticeable. People used to remark about how I looked "hawt" in that picture, but then they just started asking me why I kept posting the same picture over and over and over...so now I want to take a current picture of me and edit out the chins and blacken the grey hair and maybe increase my bicep size so the DU women will type *swoon* and....and....
Clown stopped speaking as he realized that Santa had fallen asleep with his eyes open.
Dejected, lefty and Clown left the Olive Garden. This Christmas, and every other Christmas, had been ruined for them because of this terrible evening.
The moran, ermm, I mean "moral" of the story is this...try to be nice in your thread responses, ESPECIALLY at Christmas.
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