Your Friday advice thread. Post here with your problems and questions

[Phillycat]

and I'll give you advice. It's free!

DISCLAIMER: I'm not an expert on anything. Consult your doctor. This advice thread may cause dizziness, nausea, and memory loss. Do not operate heavy machiner when using the advice thread. Advice thread is not a toy. Children should be supervised when using the advice thread.

[regularguy]

1. My wife wants us to go to church.

I'm going to go with her to be supportive, but how do I keep myself from making irreverent (and likely quite funny) comments?

[Phillycat]

3. Wear all black, and get yourself a pair of black earbud headphones.

Snake the wire under your shirt, and listen to something somber on your iPod.

Or else, when you feel like you're going to laugh or shout something potentially offensive, just prostrate yourself on the ground and start moaning in tongues. They'll think you're overcome with the holy spirit and will compliment your wife for having such a pious spouse.

[regularguy]

13. I'd like to receive your newsletter!

[Phillycat]

16. I'm thinking about starting a cult!

But Scientology's getting all the Federal Cult Startup Capital. :shrug:

[Shine]

2. I'm trying to remember what movie this particular line was in:

"Be the ball, Danny. Be the ball." I saw it in another thread last night and smiled b/c I remember it from some silly movie....I just can't remember the name of the movie, itself.

Help? :shrug:

[Phillycat]

5. Ah, the venerable Caddyshack.

"And the Lama said, 'Well, I'm not going to pay you in cash. But when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total. Consciousness.'

So I got that goin' for me. Which is nice."

[Shine]

12. Very cool, janesez!

that's awesome. :hi: :hug: have a fun day!

[Phillycat]

14. You too!

:hi: :hug:

[MrCoffee]

19. that's not what the Lama said!

he said "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will recieve total consciousness."

what kind of crap oracle is this?

[Phillycat]

22. Did you READ the disclaimer??

At least I quoted it from memory, instead of looking it up on Google like some kind of cut-rate cheater advice giver! DAMN.

[MrCoffee]

23. correction...you MISquoted it from memory

i'm giving my nickel to Lucy.

[Phillycat]

24. But mine is free!

Don't leave me! :cry:

[madinmaryland]

4. I have to go to my wife's christmas party.

Can I wish everyone Happy Holidays? :evilgrin:

[Phillycat]

6. Tell them you worship Thor and hand out miniature lightning bolts as favors.

[bertha katzenengel]

7. It's been 18 mos since I left a thoroughly oppressive job, in which

my boss took exception to every god damned hour I was out of the office.

In my new job, which I've now had for a year, I work with adults who treat me like an adult. I am respected. My rights are recognized. And I am believed when I give the reason I'm out.

I used to be asked to get a doc's note every time I went to the doc. And once when I was with Mrs. V. all night at hospital, I was asked to provide a copy of her discharge paper. :wtf:

My current problem is the anxiety I still feel - in spades - whenever I am out of the office now. Today for example: Mrs. V. broke her wrist last night, and of course I'm home. My boss is very understanding. But I'm still anxious.

How do I break this anxiety?

[Phillycat]

9. Think long-term.

Like the rest of your life longterm. On your deathbed, you are going to be really freaking glad that you were with Mrs V when she needed you, and you are not going to give two sh*ts that you weren't at work.

Also, a small belt of whiskey can usually ease anxiety. :) (doesn't work for me anymore, but I hear good things!)

[bertha katzenengel]

10. Hmm... i do have that half-pint of 99 Peaches in the freezer...

:9

Thanks for the advice... believe it or not it does actually help. :hi:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

8. what activities should lisa and i do together? we are looking into doing some things together

since in general we have very different tastes.

thanks

pri

[Phillycat]

11. Get into roller derby.

Hot chicks, good exercise, and the ever-present chance of violence.



Or, you know, a knitting club. :shrug:

[AllegroRondo]

20. Take a jewelry making class

especially if it involves metal working. You'll get to use blow torches, saws, files and hammers.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

30. thanks, i will look into it. i will enjoy the jewellery, lisa will like the saws/blowtorches

:hug:

[AllegroRondo]

33. I bet if you two put your heads together

you could come up with some truly amazing jewelry.

[MissMillie]

15. I have a cold and my head hurts, but I need to keep working on my Christmas presents

lots of crocheting to do (which also hurts my hand, but that's another matter).

How can I finish what I need to?

[Phillycat]

17. Drink a bowl of the hottest clear chicken broth you can stand.

Follow that up with two Dayquil and a shot of vodka.

Then lie down and watch soaps. When you give your Christmas presents, just add "lette" to the end of everything. "It's a scarf-lette. Very popular in Europe this season!"

Feel better! :hi:

[AllegroRondo]

18. What should I get my wife for Christmas?

Shes hard to shop for, and if I ask her what she wants she says "Oh, you dont have to get me anything"

[Phillycat]

21. "Oh, you don't have to get me anything" is woman code for:

"I want jewelry, but I don't want to be the woman who asks her husband for jewelry, I want you to surprise me with it!"

Look in her jewelry box and buy something similar to the pieces she already has.

Or else, get her a vaccuum. I hear they go over really well with wives. :D

[AllegroRondo]

29. Jewelry is probably a no

I make my own and have a small business selling it on line. The wife gets first dibs on whatever I make.

Guess I'll go with the vacuum. thanks!

[fizzgig]

25. can you cancel friday?

there's snow outside and i don't want to go to work...can you make today be over right now?

[Phillycat]

26. Unfortunately, my time traveling Delorean is on the fritz.

Can I interest you in a memory-erasing procedure afterwards, so you don't remember experiencing the day?

[SallyMander]

27. I'm working on a manuscript

and i have writer's block combined with a lack of motivation.

Should i keep working, or just go play in the snow with my dog?

:hi:

[Phillycat]

28. Force yourself to write 2 more pages, no matter what comes out,

and then go play!

Or, combine the two - let the dog write it. Make him earn his keep - you've invested in a lot of kibble, it's time for him to start giving back.

[SacredCow]

31. Should I go to the office Christmas party tonight?

It's a semi-formal affair at a very exclusive club, with an open bar. But I somehow don't feel too social today....

[Phillycat]

34. Definitely. Instead of drinking, employ the use of a discreet handheld

video camera.

Enjoy sitting back for the next year as others do your work for you. You'll never even NEED to send those video files to their spouse like you threatened. :)

[SacredCow]

36. Well, the spouses will be present, too....

Everyone is encouraged to bring their spouse/significant other (but I'll be stag if I go)...

[MrCoffee]

32. why do i wake up crying in the middle of the night?

[Phillycat]

35. It's the chopped onions under your pillow.

I TOLD you to stop taking hoagies to bed with you!