My fucking rant. "Fuck on!"

[Writer]

So I'm seated before the therapist today crying my eyes out over issues that are my own, never ceasing to believe that I truly do not have much reason to feel the pain I feel, because I am white and attractive and smart and can eat and have a roof over my head, believing still that the world contains little sympathy for someone who feels the way I feel in my current circumstances, that the only way I can gain such sympathy is if I were to drink heavily or do drugs or be the typical "case" one would find in a psychology 101 book, watching people excoriate attractive celebrities who have problems as if those celebrities checked in their humanity before they walked in front of a camera, watching others who make destructive decisions in their lives earn an arm around their shoulder and a type of fan worship, while I sit alone, very alone, wondering if anyone can relate to me, the attractive white thing with no real treatable problem but only the hidden scars I wear within me, hidden by years of aggressive pursuits of self-efficacy, of minor successes and of running away from psychological abuse that has told me that I am never worthy of love, affection, or joy, the great trap of misperception, and my conscious understanding that the only way I can overcome those scars is to mask them and move on, as if I never earned them, as person after person sees only the Pollyanna but never the person, and so now I sit here writing all of this in a public bulletin board site, knowing like hell that it will neither do me nor anyone reading this any good as no one would fucking understand, and at this point it is so useless to get into the details, but regardless I just feel pain pain pain and anger that I cannot have a simple discussion over what ails me because all of the scars are old yet hurtful, and any professional sees the outer package and all I have survived and fails to address the fact that deep down I hurt so fucking much and goddamn it I would like my feelings to matter, too!

And that is my rant. Fuck on, brothers and sisters!

~Writer~

[Oeditpus Rex]

1. That was a really good rant

No periods or paragraph breaks.

[Matariki]

2. hey

in so many ways the culture we find ourselves in is so lacking. in real connection with others, in any sense of deeper meaning. and it's so easy to think it's our isolated personal problem, not the shallow place we find ourselves in.

hope you find some personal peace and happiness.

[Writer]

3. Hell YES our culture is shallow, base,

and banal, devoid of ANY depth, and beset between the selfishness of people and the tyranny of the wicked.

Fuck the world.

~Writer~

[Tuesday Afternoon]

4. uhmmmm

yeah. what you said. about the posting:

"...and so now I sit here writing all of this in a public bulletin board site, knowing like hell that it will neither do me nor anyone reading this any good as no one would fucking understand,..."

I do that, too. damned if I know why. Although, sometimes it does feel like I have cleansed my soul. A release of sorts, throwing it out there to the universe.

[Ptah]

5. .

[Writer]

6. C'mon, man, now what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I only have half a brain here, while the other half is distracted by trying to figure out what the first half is thinking. Perhaps I have some room to unravel the great mystery of your visual and quote, but I can't see it. Enlighten me!

~Writer~

[Ptah]

8. World Champion pitcher, Jenny Finch

Another Tucson Champ!

She gave it all, just as you have tonight!

[Oeditpus Rex]

7. Mmmmm!

Jennie.

[Writer]

9. Never mind, Oedi. I am in no condition to address anyone properly this evening.

Sincerely, now, good night.

[Ptah]

10. Yes, she is a very attractive woman

[billyskank]

11. Remember you can always write to me if you want.

I'll always listen.

[blockhead]

12. wow,

at least you're white

[bicentennial_baby]

13. ...

:spray:

[datasuspect]

14. being white in this country is like 2/3 of the battle.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

17. and being a man is the other 1/3 --

you do the math. They got it made.

[datasuspect]

18. the poorest white male in this country at least has a theoretical CHANCE

[Tuesday Afternoon]

21. You are correct. The door is opened, what he does once he

walks through that door is up to him. That door is shut to everyone else, no matter the color or gender.

[Deja Q]

15. Alone? We are here.

:hug: :hug: :pals: :hug:

:grouphug:

[taterguy]

16. This man feels your pain

He's middle class and white

He's real pissed off and he wants to say fuck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GUkiFLURt38

[supernova]

19. LMAO! Thanks for starting my Sat w/ a laugh

:D

I too feel his pain.

Clever how he manages to poke fun at himself and other MOR hair bands. :rofl: :P

[supernova]

23. Hey writer, I feel your pain

I've always been the aloof odd one standing in the corner watching everybody else, saying :wtf: And I spent a lot of my time being extremely annoyed, irritated, angry, and hurt that other people seemed to have a very different idea of me than I did. It hurt because it hurt to realize nobody understood me and was supportive of me the way I felt about myself. I always looked for that one mentor that would finally realize (magically, I guess) what I was about.

I found it strange that no one saw the world as it so obviously was to me. I mean, full on Midday Miami sun obvious. You know that joke someone posted the other day about how your best friend is someone who sits in jail with you saying "God, that was fun!." :D I've had fleeting glimpses of such companionship, but nothing enduring. Then there are times when I just wanted to fool myself. :P

When I was little, I used to console myself with the idea that things will be better when I'm a grown up. I'll have friends, I'll have people who understand me and be supportive of me.

Now that I am a grown up, it's partially true. I do have some people in my life who understand me and that's for two reasons:

1) I've deliberately sought out people who, like me, feel different from the norm. Regardless of their reason for being different, they often have similar observations about the world, so that helps. And it's been a wonderful journey in to people, places, and things most people will never know, even if they spent a lifetime reading Deepak Chopra in a vain attempt to be more aware.

2) I really work at opening myself up. Yes, it's hard work. It's exhausting. I don't always like it at first, but it is rewarding. And here's the fun part. I do it regardless of the reaction I get from the other person. :-) Whether it's positive or negative, I know at least I know I didn't let anyone shame me into being less than my authentic self, or try to force me into some mold they have of me. And because I'm an adult, I have the added veto power of not interacting with people who won't let me be me.

Sorry this is so long. If any of it sounds familiar let me know. :hug: But I just wanted you to know that we all struggle too.

[SPKrazy]

20. Pain is relative

and the outsides of a person don't tell what's on the inside.

You just keep plugging at it, okay!

:hug:

fuck on!

:woohoo:

[MissMillie]

22. I sort of understand

I'm alone too, and the scars from the lovers that have broken my trust still hurt for sure... and paralyze. Make me not want to even try to trust anymore... so I'm alone too.

the only substance abuse I'm delved into is the one that few see as a problem: food.

So everyone thinks I should just "get over it"

:hug:


part of me is resigned to be alone... and even enjoy the fact that no one will hurt me like that again.

the other part hates that I spend the holidays w/o someone to share the joy with. Is it even joyous if it's not shared?

:hug: I feel for ya

[Guava Jelly]

24. We all have our pain my friend.

And I care.
Yes you are white,attractive,and super smart but you are also human..
:hug:
If you want to talk about it or anything feel free to spam me.
:pals:

[hfojvt]

25. I would like your feelings to be joyful

Especially so close to Thanksgiving. Maybe if you started each day praising God (Really, that was a sermon by Charles Stanley, and not a bad message, on the order of a "what to say when you talk to yourself" instead of constantly telling myself that "my life sucks, and I dread today" I could focus on the good things in this world if only the nice warm winters and the ability to take a hot shower.)

I want you to be happy. Of course, I want myself to be happy too, and I am in my third day of an exceptionally foul mood. A fairly simple reason though. I had gotten my hopes up that I was going to get the decent job that I had applied for. If my two university degrees qualified me to do something besides mop floors and haul tables, this had to be it. Plus, I was really hoping to leave not just the low status of my current job, but also my abusive supervisor. The interview process itself, was, of course, also a slap in the face. The guy says "so, you have never had a job that uses your college degrees." Of course, one reason for that is because I started my own motherfu$%ing business. Isn't THAT supposed to be the American Dream? But he acted like I was an idiot for doing so. "So why did you start a bookstore?" Of course, since I spent seven years losing money in it, by American standards I was an idiot or a failure (if the two are not exactly the same thing). Later, as I replayed this interview in my head I yelled back at that question. "Of course I have never had a decent job, because in order to get one, I have to have an a$$hole like you give it to me. It is because of a$$holes like you giving jobs to other people with more experience or more connections that I can never get experience because nobody ever gives me a fu$%ing chance!"

That's my rant, and maybe this is appropriate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFFl0VBY3jc

I should know better than to get my hopes up. I was gonna quote my poem "Crystal Castles" but I cannot find it, and only remember the first two lines "I build crystal castles and watch them shatter. Cruel people and fates against them batter."

So never forget that there's always at least one place where you can find sympathy.






"It's in the dictionary between sh*t and syphilis."


Now put down that knife, that was supposed to be funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QG1UEkC8aZY

[YellowRubberDuckie]

26. That was a great rant/run on sentence.

:hug: