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If you ever have to write a letter of recommendation for someone you'd rather not,
but are afraid to refuse, here is a template...
To Whom It May Concern:
It is my pleasure to recommend Kurt Luchs for employment at your company. I have
known Kurt for nearly six years, and I can honestly say that I have not known
any other Kurt for nearly as long.
Kurt was with our firm, Pendleton Tool & Die Co., for five and a half of those
years. His employment with us ended amicably and by mutual agreement between
both parties and the United States Seventh District Court of Appeals. In fact,
Kurt was so dedicated that he stopped coming in each morning only when his desk
was removed and the locks were changed. Every once in a while, I think I see his
face behind the ventilation grille.
During his tenure with us, Kurt held a number of positions reflecting his range
of talents and responsibilities: administrative assistant, assistant to the
administrator, assistant administrator's aide, administering assistant's
associate, and filing clerk. While it would be an exaggeration to say that he
performed all his duties, it would be entirely fair to say that he performed
them all equally well. In fact, there was a consistency and tone to Kurt's job
performance which I have never before seen in a living employee -- call it a an
almost supernatural sense of calm. There were times when only a mirror held to
Kurt's nostrils would reveal the fiery spirit and pulsing intellect within.
I credit Kurt entirely for inspiring the recent overhaul of our human-resources
department's background-checking system. His knack for creative self expression,
by which he transformed a three-year stretch in a state reformatory into an
M.B.A. from Harvard, was a constant source of amusement.
While some people can be described as "all heart" or "all head", the best way to
describe Kurt is "all hands". From a friendly pat on the behind to a pat of
butter on the chest, he touched his female colleagues in more ways than most of
them had even heard of.
He was close to his male co-workers too; in fact on several occasions it took a
stun gun to pry them apart. There were a few who had a hard time seeing Kurt's
good-natured roughhousing in the proper light. But in my opinion he never
crossed that all-important line between first-degree manslaughter and
second-degree murder.
I envy the next company that adds Kurt to it's payroll. Why? Because hiring Kurt
is like getting a free law-school education. You may think you understand the
First Amendment, but I'll bet you had no idea that an employee has the
constitutional right to emit sudden, piercing shrieks and deafening bursts of
profanity near a fellow co-worker operating an industrial laser.
Kurt also displayed an uncommon willingness to follow instructions - not my
instructions, but rather, those he received from the voice in his head.
Kurt's influence on everyone in our company was so extensive that there are
still employees who won't start their cars without checking under the hood
first. You ask how and why Kurt left our company. Unfortunately, a court order
prevents me from sharing all the details. But I can say in perfect candor that I
heartily recommend Kurt as a resourceful and indefatigable addition to some
other firm -- any other firm.
Sincerely
Thomas R. Pendleton
President
Pendleton Tool & Die Co.
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